summary:
1. broke up with fiancee. I did this on a lot of opiate-based painkillers -- I don't normally take painkillers, so my tolerance for this sort of thing is very low -- and I largely don't remember doing this. I don't even remember making a lot of the posts I made in the thread about why I did this. I remember making the ones about my very questionable social behaviors, but not the actual parts about my fiancee.
2. immediately, and I mean 2-3 days later, regretted it. have since. still do.
3. sunk into massive depression. probably the first real depression I've had since ... I guess in 10 years. maybe longer.
4. to drown this, drove 5 hours to The Valley (several towns just above the Texas-Mexico border) with a woman I was lovers with. the purpose of doing this was to help her get a student loan that she could use to pay for a car.
5. I did self-destructive shit like drink an entire bottle of 50% abv bourbon and snort most of an 8-ball of cocaine in a single evening. I don't remember this evening and I'm not sure how I avoided serious injury since the alcohol alone should hospitalize someone.
6. the woman I was with, who I had grown close to, does visibly deceitful shit and I call her out on this.
7. she words things in a way that causes one of her friends believe I was a violent threat, so the friend, under this mistaken belief, attempts to rob me. then she leaves me stranded halfway across the state of Texas, without even so much as a ride to the greyhound station or money for a bus ticket. I was so undernourished and strung out that I couldn't hold my phone on the bus ride back without shaking, and received a pat-down from a drug officer because he thought I was smuggling something. the ride was a constant effort against vomiting.
7. this is explained further into detail here: https://www.facebook.com/a.macdonald...12218813812490
8. I am rocked by how much I didn't anticipate this happening. I'm usually ridiculously good at anticipating this sort of thing, so the fact that I didn't is like a tear in my universe.
9. I went into her motivations and psychology here https://www.facebook.com/a.macdonald...2246100534641/ the main thing is how much she put herself on the table -- by informing her ex-fiance and boyfriend of what happened I was basically able to fuck her current life situation over, and she knew this and did it anyway. she entrusted a ton of her information to me and nothing she did was the kind of behavior a manipulative person would have. I don't think she is this horrible of a person consciously. I think if she knew how much she hurt other people it would bother her a lot, because she was extremely kind and self-sacrificing and genuinely compassionate while we were regularly seeing each other.
10. when I got back, I barely ate and mostly slept for several days. the whole ordeal, which was supposed to be two days at most, set me back a week and I lost something like 5lb -- most of it muscle. since this also tanked my immune system, I was sick afterward.
11. have been a combo of legitimately depressed and legitimately ill
12. haven't been able to get shit done
13. just started lifting again, just started feeling like myself again and like I'm not in this fucking pocket reality of alt-America
basically if I said I was going to do anything don't count on it any time soon, I'm trying to Unfuck My Life at the moment and I have a *lot* of shit to do
I have to prioritize getting my entire existence back online, so to speak. this is not me expecting any kind of sympathy, I'm just letting you know know -- if you care -- so that you are not let down or misled by false expectations.
thank you for your time and patience.
1. broke up with fiancee. I did this on a lot of opiate-based painkillers -- I don't normally take painkillers, so my tolerance for this sort of thing is very low -- and I largely don't remember doing this. I don't even remember making a lot of the posts I made in the thread about why I did this. I remember making the ones about my very questionable social behaviors, but not the actual parts about my fiancee.
2. immediately, and I mean 2-3 days later, regretted it. have since. still do.
3. sunk into massive depression. probably the first real depression I've had since ... I guess in 10 years. maybe longer.
4. to drown this, drove 5 hours to The Valley (several towns just above the Texas-Mexico border) with a woman I was lovers with. the purpose of doing this was to help her get a student loan that she could use to pay for a car.
5. I did self-destructive shit like drink an entire bottle of 50% abv bourbon and snort most of an 8-ball of cocaine in a single evening. I don't remember this evening and I'm not sure how I avoided serious injury since the alcohol alone should hospitalize someone.
6. the woman I was with, who I had grown close to, does visibly deceitful shit and I call her out on this.
7. she words things in a way that causes one of her friends believe I was a violent threat, so the friend, under this mistaken belief, attempts to rob me. then she leaves me stranded halfway across the state of Texas, without even so much as a ride to the greyhound station or money for a bus ticket. I was so undernourished and strung out that I couldn't hold my phone on the bus ride back without shaking, and received a pat-down from a drug officer because he thought I was smuggling something. the ride was a constant effort against vomiting.
7. this is explained further into detail here: https://www.facebook.com/a.macdonald...12218813812490
8. I am rocked by how much I didn't anticipate this happening. I'm usually ridiculously good at anticipating this sort of thing, so the fact that I didn't is like a tear in my universe.
9. I went into her motivations and psychology here https://www.facebook.com/a.macdonald...2246100534641/ the main thing is how much she put herself on the table -- by informing her ex-fiance and boyfriend of what happened I was basically able to fuck her current life situation over, and she knew this and did it anyway. she entrusted a ton of her information to me and nothing she did was the kind of behavior a manipulative person would have. I don't think she is this horrible of a person consciously. I think if she knew how much she hurt other people it would bother her a lot, because she was extremely kind and self-sacrificing and genuinely compassionate while we were regularly seeing each other.
10. when I got back, I barely ate and mostly slept for several days. the whole ordeal, which was supposed to be two days at most, set me back a week and I lost something like 5lb -- most of it muscle. since this also tanked my immune system, I was sick afterward.
11. have been a combo of legitimately depressed and legitimately ill
12. haven't been able to get shit done
13. just started lifting again, just started feeling like myself again and like I'm not in this fucking pocket reality of alt-America
basically if I said I was going to do anything don't count on it any time soon, I'm trying to Unfuck My Life at the moment and I have a *lot* of shit to do
I have to prioritize getting my entire existence back online, so to speak. this is not me expecting any kind of sympathy, I'm just letting you know know -- if you care -- so that you are not let down or misled by false expectations.
thank you for your time and patience.
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