describes, with uncanny levels of accuracy:
* Portland residents (probably anyway, because the author is from there)
* Austinites
* the overwhelming majority of profiles I've seen on OKCupid
Some of my favorites:
1. "Then there is the conversation killer of studying abroad in Africa. If you studied in Africa, it is usually a good idea to keep it quiet, it will remind white people that they were too scared to go and they will feel bad. Use this only in emergencies."
2. "it’s important to know that all white people believe they have the intelligence and work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they did not actually go to one is that they chose not to participate in the “dog and pony show” required to gain acceptance. White people also like to believe that they were not born into a privileged (enough) family to get legacy admission. This should always be at the back of your mind as you talk to a white person about the Ivy League.
Once you have determined that a white person did not attend an Ivy League School, you should try to give them the opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this are to mention grade inflation, professors who value research over teaching, or high tuition costs. Any one of these will set a white person off on a multi-minute rant.
When they have finally run out of arguments about why they chose the right school, you should say “I knew a whole bunch of people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or are as smart as you.” This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance since white people need constant reassurance that they are smart and that they made the right choice with their life.
If you actually went to an Ivy League school, you will been seen as a threat so prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask questions about how much work you had, the type of students at the school, the professors, your dorm room, your reading lists, and they will try so hard to figure out your SAT score. They desperately need a source of comparison so that they need to figure out if you are actually smarter than them. In fact, the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that, white people will stop feeling threatened since they can now believe they too would have been accepted to an Ivy League school if they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of Affirmative Action."
3. "if you are reasonably skilled in sports, you have to be extremely careful how you approach your co-ed matches. If you try TOO hard (bowling over a female catcher, throwing a kickball EXTRA hard at someone) you come off as an aggressive, crazy maniac. On the other hand, if you don’t try at all you come off as a jerk who thinks they are above the game. The only solution is to approach the game like a point-shaving basketball player – play hard enough to be convincing, but not hard enough to win."
This next one I tried to quote selectively but the whole article is perfect:
4. "White people love “gifted” children, do you know why? Because an astounding 100% of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?
I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.
The way it works is that white kids that are actually smart are quickly identified as “gifted” and take special classes and eventually end up in college and then law school or med school.
But wait, aren’t there white people who aren’t doctors or lawyers, or even all that smart?
Well, here is another one of those awesome white person win-win situations.
Because if a white kid gets crappy grades and can’t seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How you ask? They are just TOO smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day to day operations of school.
Eventually they will show their creativity in their elaborate constructions of bongs and intimate knowledge different kinds of mushrooms and hash.
This is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain white person acceptance. If you see their kid playing peacefully, you say “oh, he/she seems very focused, are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say “yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at their mother, you say “my he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply “oh, yes, he’s too creative and smart for school. We just don’t know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more.
But NEVER under any circumstance imply that their child is less than a genius. The idea that something could come from them and be less than greatness is too much for them to bear."
5. "In most situations, white people are very comforted by seeing their own kind. However, when they are eating at a new ethnic restaurant or traveling to a foreign nation, nothing spoils their fun more than seeing another white person.
Many white people will look into the window of an ethnic restaurant to see if there are other white people in there. It is determined to be an acceptable restaurant if the white people in there are accompanied by ethnic friends. But if there is a table occupied entirely by white people, it is deemed unacceptable.
The arrival of the “other white people” to either restaurants or vacation spots instantly means that lines will grow, authenticity will be lost, and the euphoria of being a cultural pioneer will be over."
6. "If a white person starts talking to you about classical music, it’s essential that you tread very lightly. This is because white people are all petrified that they will be exposed as someone who has only a moderate understanding of classical music. When a white person encounters another white person who actually enjoys classical music (exceptionally rare), it is often considered to be one of the most traumatic experiences they can go through.
“Really? Beethoven’s 5th Symphony….that’s your favorite.”
“um, no, I mean…”
“You sure it’s not Pachebel’s Canon?”
“well, ah, I like that, ah, song”
“sigh, of course you do.”
Even the possibility of this conversation happening is enough to scare white people into attending up to (but no more than) two performances in any given classical season. Therefore it is essential that even if you possess a massive amount of knowledge about classical music, do not share it with a white person regardless of how much they profess to love it. It’s a recipe for disaster and shame."
7. "Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of the past by making promises to themselves that they will never keep.
Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises. But by far the most common self improvement promise is to learn a new language.
...
Since learning a new language is something that most white people fail at, it should be approached with extreme caution. When you hear a white person say that they speak your native language, you will probably think it’s a good idea to start talking to them in said language. WRONG! Instead you should say something like “you speak (insert language)?” to which they will reply “a little” in your native tongue. If you just leave it here, the white person will feel fantastic for the rest of the day. If you push it any further and speak quickly, the white person will just look at you with a blank stare. Within a minute you will notice that blank stare has shifted from confusion to contempt. You have shamed them and your chance for friendship is ruined forever.
Finally, though they won’t admit it, white people do not believe that learning English is difficult. This is because if it were true, then that would mean that their housekeeper, gardener, mother-in-law (if they are an elite white person) are smarter than them. Needless to say, this realization would destroy their entire universe.
The best technique is to just tell white people what they really want to hear: “You should move to (insert country) so you can really learn the language.” They will agree instantly and lament their employer’s lack of an office there. Share this lament and you can enjoy a gigantic increase in trust and friendship from that white person."