Lord of Porn (MATURE CONTENT WARNING)

[MalReynolds]

My friends and I were really bored, so we sat down to write this most excellent piece of fine literature.

-

They say when you try to quit the porn biz, they won't let you. They say, you either eat the porn biz, or the porn biz eats you... Which is good, depending on what side of the fence you're on. I'm a male, so it's not so good. They call me Monsoir Saussiscion, which means, roughly translated, "My Night Sausage." Use your imagination, I'm not going to go into the details surrounding my name, suffice it to say, they are now in the vast annals of porn history. Of course, porn history only goes back around fifty years, because pre-fifty years ago, people didn't like to talk about watching fucking. They just liked to do it.

When I started this biz, I didn't know next to nothing about it. By the time I quit, I thought the movie "Sideways" was about Chinese pussy.

It all occured one autumn afternoon when I was heading back from packing cookies for grammy, when I was suddently stopped by a tall wirery man in a pinstriped suit. He asked if I had ever been penetrated before... I then responded, "I've never eaten asian cuisine ". He then laughed and pulled me into his van, wait no that was the wrong night, it was the next day that I entered the realm of the magic that some call pornography, or so I thought. Her name was Tina Sparrow until I got her pants down and later found out that I was starring in a tranny film. Todd Sparrow, yes thats what his, well... it's name was. I was only fifteen but in Tiajuana I was whatever age I wanted to be.The Porn Industry had snagged me like a penis in a nun's vagina.

I have to admit I had a lot of fun to begin with. I mean come on, wouldn't you like to have sex everyday? I know I would, and I was. Plus I was getting paid for it. However just like every occupation and activity on this fine Earth, it became tiring. Movies requiring condoms (they don't feel as good), stiff managers that robbed me of my cut, not the exuberant amount of money that I had hoped, and as much as I hate to say it, fucking just got re-goddamn-diculously boring. I mean fuck, there's only three holes to fill, and I am not about to do gay porn, or double penetration. DP is really just fun for the girls, and somewhat degrading, but I do not want my balls touching another man's balls... that's just gay. I suppose you could tape em up, but most of the time when I'm getting busy on her ass or her other hole (SEE: Poonani) as I like to call it, tape is hardly ever handy, and when it is, it is an afterthought and requires another man taping me mid-fuck, and that's not going to happen.

It was so boring... I quit. I began to do something I had only seen in movies. Hollywood talkies, not porn films.

After the Cold War, the French Tickler Dildo became Russia's biggest export. After that came vodka, caviar, and suicidal novelists.

The first time you sell a sex toy is like the first time you fuck; it's fun, it's exciting, and it's over before you even know it's started. I had been selling sex toys for months not knowing what to do with all of the proceeds, then one day it struck me. I would donate it to an AIDs foundation in memory of my dear childhood friend Rose Elmstead, who had contracted AIDs during her teen years when she was a binge drinker and had been raped by the neighborhood man whore... He was a clown, so it was kind of funny... but only as funny as AIDs can be. But I didnt know how to locate an organization that wouldn't exploit the "more than generous donations". Then I realized I would dedicate my life to build my own organization dedicated to AIDs research, the murder of neighborhood clowns, and the developement of an AIDs vaccine which I would name the "Elmstead Vaccine". I then set out to find a select team of researchers, meanwhile I still devoted my excess time to my first love, marketing of self pleasure tools. Clitoral stimulators and firecrackers, mainly.

The first and most important rule of sex toy selling is: "Never get fucked with your own merchandise."

You know who's going to inherit the world? Sex toy dealers. Because everyone else is too busy fucking each other.

After countless years of searching, and never having the luck to come across the so called "select researchers," I gave into the 1 activity that brought me true ecstacy, selling sex toys and fireworks, again. I used the money I'd set aside to fund the team of researchers to start up my own small corporation which I dubbed Lords of Porn, and rightly so. A year or 2 into the biz my corporation took off, we met our equilibrium and then some. I made millions, bought a 50 acre beach-front lot in SoCal, and began to ponder a way that the corporation might conquer the biz, reach heights so to speak. You think I'm immoral? Fuck you... I now spend all of my life pondering one question:

There are over 550 million sex toys in worldwide circulation. That's one sex toy for every twelve people on the planet. The only question is: How do we arm the other 11?

-

Mal

[aperson]

What a mature story.

[QreepyBORIS]

*Monsieur

Monsoir is "my evening". :P

[Sol_Solis]

Righty o' then.
Very creative mind you have?

[MalReynolds]

Originally Posted by QreepyBORIS

*Monsieur

Monsoir is "my evening". :P

Friend typed that. Honest.

Mal

[whiteflame]

heh...mal...rofl this is going to tgb or locked...

[LEGO]

Originally Posted by QreepyBORIS

*Monsieur

Monsoir is "my evening". :P

High five.

[zajac]

Yeah... It sure sounds original... ~eye roll~

Lord of Porn... Resembles a remarkable.... Resemblance... To a recent movie starring Nicholas Cage... Hmmmm :P

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

Ahahaha, brilliance.

[Omeganitros]

Dear Judge Mills Lane,

There's this thread in which there is a story that's about pornography and selling sex toys. It's a parody of the story of Lord of War. As we both know, not everything is Black and White, and I feel this falls in the gray area. While it is a pretty taboo subject and pretty much forbidden, pornography threads have been allowed before, and it has a clear "MATURE CONTENT" warning. What to do!

Sincerely,
Omeganitros









Dear Omeganitros,



I'LL ALLOW IT!

Now Let's Get It On,
Judge Mills Lane

[chuandyou]

!?!?!? I do not understand.

[Tonberry_Kid]

That was a very interesting read there.

[tnyhwk900]

Loved the ending.

[YungYung]

This doesn't beat the Nima XXX Yaoi thing aha.

[Tasuke]

This shoud be a movie.

[MrGiggles]

Originally Posted by Tasuke

This shoud be a movie.

People always beat me to the good ideas.

Damn the man. Men.

[hydrojakep]

You should write for a magazine.

[ckj846]

I think we now know a little more about what goes on in Mal's mind...
O_o

[vashthestampede0987]

Originally Posted by ckj846

I think we now know a little more about what goes on in Mal's mind...
O_o

We all knew, it's a Salchicha Fiesta up in there.