Old 04-6-2012, 12:06 PM   #1
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Default Issues at home.

In light of seeing everyone else post threads like this and receiving sound advice, I've jumped on the bandwagon and decided to give everyone yet another earful.

I'm on a tight leash when it comes to doing things with friends and or going out (at any hour really), I understand that my parents mean well and since I'm only 17, trying to keep me safe from the outside world. Yet, I feel they're a bit overprotective (they have to know where I am every minute of every day and to the point where they will show up at said place and look for me).

Now under no circumstances do I find lying to my parents desirable; let's face it, it just brings more problems into an already fragile family dynamic, but I've made some decisions that aren't necessarily bad, but I could only imagine what my parents would say if I had told them.

1. My parents are extremely religious. They are orthodox Sunni Muslim and they try to make every lecture relate to religion. Until just months ago I was okay with religion to an extent, but really reading up on journals and critically thinking for a while made me think otherwise. I really believe there isn't a deity out there that drives you to do things, but rather just yourself. Basically I don't know what to say to my parents at all. I don't want to lie and be dishonest about pretending to be Muslim, but at the same time I want to inform them that I don't want to live a lifestyle as per the Qur'an's requirements.

2. As a Muslim, it is essential that you stray away from any relationships prior to marriage (basically any close interaction with a man or woman). It's just a bother because every time I go to hang out with my girlfriend I have to make up some bull**** story about my whereabouts. It doesn't sit easy with me after all, and then I get overwhelmed with guilt. At the same time, I don't want to jeopardize my relationship because it really is getting somewhere, and very quickly at that. Her parents are very accepting of me and we get along extremely well, but I feel a bit of a failure because I can't bring her over. My parents would legitimately freak out and kick her out of the house.

3. One of the biggest expectations of my parents is the drive and strive for success in education. I was a straight A student for quite sometime, getting 100's and 95's in all my classes, until I found out that I really had no end in mind for where I wanted to take my education. I figured maybe, just maybe I'd pursue law or an MBA, but then realized even then, education was just not as appealing as it used to be. I really love music, and I really think I'm great at it. I figured although education is tantamount to success, it is just not appealing. It's not the work involved in university that's turning me away, it's just the thought of doing something I don't necessarily like when there's another much more interesting avenue to explore. I've reached the point where my marks are now in the low 60's and low 70's (at best), procrastination has taken over and losing the desire to learn.

4. My parents are strict when prohibiting the consumption of alcohol and or the usage of any drug. My biggest irritation when having these talks with my parents is the fact that my father does in fact, smoke tobacco. But apparently "tobacco is acceptable in the Qur'an", whereas other drugs remain sinful. I do smoke marijuana from time to time, as a social expression at parties, and sometimes I'll have a few (or a lot) of drinks at a party. I have no idea why my parents are so against consumption of these items, especially marijuana. Yes, I do know it's illegal, but that's my risk to take. Even then, it's scientifically proven to be less damaging than tobacco or alcohol.


On the note of kicking someone out of the house (see point 2), my parents would not only do that upon learning any of this information stated, but likely disown me (they really don't like any of this at all). I have no job, I've been looking for one so I can save money to start renting out an apartment. My worry is that my parents said that when I find an apartment and move out, all support is cut off and we won't help you out.

I just don't know where to turn to try and iron things out with my parents.

I really hope this isn't too vague for anyone, because it really is limited information.
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Old 04-6-2012, 12:23 PM   #2
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Default Re: Issues at home.

I never had issues like that with my parents but all I can say is its your life to control, not theirs. Tell them what's what even if it may hurt you. Lying is not bad (sometimes), but really, there is no point in lying in the first place if its your life.

Religion is a big pain sometimes. :/

if they kick you out then that's how it is. Gotta start somewhere.
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Old 04-6-2012, 01:27 PM   #3
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Default Re: Issues at home.

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Originally Posted by G.S.M View Post
I never had issues like that with my parents but all I can say is its your life to control, not theirs. Tell them what's what even if it may hurt you. Lying is not bad (sometimes), but really, there is no point in lying in the first place if its your life.

Religion is a big pain sometimes. :/

if they kick you out then that's how it is. Gotta start somewhere.
I guess that's one way to look at it. What really worries me is that I have no source of income, and I'm at a young age. My relatives would hear wind of it if I told my parents so staying there wouldn't be an option. If I had the money, I would've told them and gotten the heck out.
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Old 04-6-2012, 01:31 PM   #4
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Default Re: Issues at home.

beautiful people have it harder, or thats what i tell myself.

on a serious note. religion is an influence everywhere. its why i'm not out to my stupid overly catholic parents yet
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Old 04-6-2012, 01:31 PM   #5
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Default Re: Issues at home.

Don't let your parents shape who you are to that extent haha they might like disown you if you try to come clean about your religious views which would be hard of course but in the long run you'd be a lot happier living your own life by what you want to do than lying your whole life right??
Best of luck dude haha
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Old 04-6-2012, 01:57 PM   #6
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Default Re: Issues at home.

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I guess that's one way too look at it. What really worries me is that I have no source of income, and I'm at a young age. My relatives would hear wind of it if I told my parents so staying there wouldn't be an option. If I had the money, I would've told them and gotten the heck out.
Not everyone starts out with no income but that's how most of my friends started out. You just have to try as hard as you can and there are many ways to stay afloat. I wouldn't say 17 is too young... just be smart

just talk to them and see what happens
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Old 04-6-2012, 02:04 PM   #7
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Default Re: Issues at home.

Not to minimize your problems at all, but around the ages of 16 until you move out there's often struggle with parents with such things. I want to peruse a homosexual relationship but it's simply not possible while I live at home, and I've had secret boyfriends and bullshitted about my location but they've never gone as far to show up and check on me. For 1,2, and 4, this is really the only advice I can give. Your situation seems a bit more tricky having religious parents and all I can say to that is this is why I hate organized religions. Forces irrational stupid behaviour on people.

For 3, it's difficult for most people to find out what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I was lucky always being a computer nerd, so I went into computers. Don't go to College/Uni wondering what course interests you the most, and don't go to College/Uni until you know what you want to do in life. Maybe you don't require going to College/Uni at all in life if you're more cut out for skilled trades. Also don't buy into this education snobbery. In Canada College = Applied and University = Academic. I had marks to get into Uni which is regarded as "higher" education than College but taking into consideration what I want to do and the money I have to work with College was a far better option for me. Find out what general area interests you in terms of finding a job, don't just take sociology because it interests you if you have no idea what the job demand is for sociologists. In the end, you need to do something that will produce money to support your lifestyle whether that includes a family or not. Maybe take a year off after high school to find this out for yourself, it probably will, but be proactive about it and actually look.
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Old 04-6-2012, 02:06 PM   #8
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Default Re: Issues at home.

I have a buddy who is also muslim, and has encountered the same exact problem. I could actually get a hold of him for you, and see if he wants to chat.
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Old 04-6-2012, 02:10 PM   #9
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Default Re: Issues at home.

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Not to minimize your problems at all, but around the ages of 16 until you move out there's often struggle with parents with such things. I want to peruse a homosexual relationship but it's simply not possible while I live at home, and I've had secret boyfriends and bullshitted about my location but they've never gone as far to show up and check on me. For 1,2, and 4, this is really the only advice I can give. Your situation seems a bit more tricky having religious parents and all I can say to that is this is why I hate organized religions. Forces irrational stupid behaviour on people.

For 3, it's difficult for most people to find out what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I was lucky always being a computer nerd, so I went into computers. Don't go to College/Uni wondering what course interests you the most, and don't go to College/Uni until you know what you want to do in life. Maybe you don't require going to College/Uni at all in life if you're more cut out for skilled trades. Also don't buy into this education snobbery. In Canada College = Applied and University = Academic. I had marks to get into Uni which is regarded as "higher" education than College but taking into consideration what I want to do and the money I have to work with College was a far better option for me. Find out what general area interests you in terms of finding a job, don't just take sociology because it interests you if you have no idea what the job demand is for sociologists. In the end, you need to do something that will produce money to support your lifestyle whether that includes a family or not. Maybe take a year off after high school to find this out for yourself, it probably will, but be proactive about it and actually look.
I mean taking a year off sounds like a really good idea in terms of figuring out what I want to do. It's just that my parents don't let me do a lot of things and pursuing a secret relationship just seems a bit unsustainable. We both really like each other a lot and I don't want to be the one to ruin that for the both of us.

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I have a buddy who is also muslim, and has encountered the same exact problem. I could actually get a hold of him for you, and see if he wants to chat.
That would actually help a great deal. Give me some contact details and I could see when I can reach him.
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Old 04-6-2012, 02:17 PM   #10
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Default Re: Issues at home.

I left him a voicemail, I'll get back to you soon with his contact stuff. He's honestly this nicest person I have ever met in my life so you'll have no problem with him.

EDIT: He's in prayer sadly so it might be a bit, but he WILL talk to you in a bit.
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Old 04-6-2012, 02:20 PM   #11
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Default Re: Issues at home.

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Originally Posted by Emo_Saur_ View Post
I left him a voicemail, I'll get back to you soon with his contact stuff. He's honestly this nicest person I have ever met in my life so you'll have no problem with him.

EDIT: He's in prayer sadly so it might be a bit, but he WILL talk to you in a bit.
Well I appreciate that, as a matter of fact I'm heading to prayer quite shortly as well.

Unfortunately it's somewhere I don't want to be, but I digress.
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Old 04-6-2012, 02:22 PM   #12
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Default Re: Issues at home.

Same with my buddy.
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Old 04-6-2012, 06:11 PM   #13
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Default Re: Issues at home.

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I mean taking a year off sounds like a really good idea in terms of figuring out what I want to do. It's just that my parents don't let me do a lot of things...
I understand not wanting to rock the boat with your parents, but when it comes to what you'll be doing for the rest of your life, in the end you might be happier if you took control of that aspect of your life. It's a BIG deal.
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Old 04-6-2012, 07:11 PM   #14
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Default Re: Issues at home.

I really appreciate all the feedback I've gotten. I've elaborately planned how I'm going to break it to my parents by really bringing it up at a suitable time.

There's a school dance in two weeks, and I felt that after going with my girlfriend my parents would likely ask about the dance and then I could finally tell them what actually happened. Maybe then they could realize I really am happy with her and to leave me be.

As for the music v. education thing, I don't see that to be that big of a problem, perhaps a compromise is in order, I'll start picking up my studies again if they support me and really help me with my strive for music.

The thing about using marijuana and alcohol is understandable from my parents' perspective. After all, marijuana is illegal and alcohol is prohibited for use by minors, but I'm willing to tell them I've used it before and I'll try and not get into deep.

I've already talked to my parents about the fact that I'm questioning religion and how I don't understand. I'm trying to give advances that suggest my lack of interest in it, but my parents are still trying to get me involved with religion. They are extremely disappointed though and really want me to reconsider and talk to some people in the community about restoring faith. They're extremely stubborn, so I'm still trying to push on the fact that religion does NOT appeal to me and never will again.

Thanks for your help guys.
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Old 04-7-2012, 10:48 AM   #15
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Default Re: Issues at home.

Sounds like you have everything in order now, but I can't help but think of my best friend and how your life right now mimicked a lot of her past.
She dated a guy for 6, 7 years? before she told them. Her mom would often call to check up on her instead of stopping by, but and she's always use friends as excuses when she was out with him. Got friends' parents involved with the deception too.
Her parents definitely knew the guy though, but rather as a friend who, well, she hung around with and they eventually caught on that they liked each other. But as to the extent of their relationship they had no clue. She only told them when both her and her bf decided to move intogether, at which point they grilled him, then planned a wedding for them, and now everyone's happy. I'm surprised it worked for her, and every parent is different, plus she was simply coming from traditional indian views, not muslim views, but consider introducing her as a friend, not girlfriend...someone you like, but you've never made out with kind of thing.
If you're 17 and you have no income and no set plan for school, your in trouble, parents or no. Nothing wrong with taking some time off and working whatever old job while you try to figure it all out. Making thousands of dollars doing something you don't like beats spending thousands of dollars on an education you don't want, at least while you figure out your career.
Also consider moving out. You're going to have to at some point anyways. If you move out sooner rather than later, there will be less tension between you and your parents seeing as you've made choices that go against their beliefs and wishes.
I'd consider lip service to your religion though. Seems likely it will prevent your parents from pushing you towards doing more with it.
I don't know why anyone under the sun would tell their parents about their drug use unless bringing it up in a funny story or something, years after the fact. Don't give them more reason for them to bring down the whip at this transition in your life.
Overall, it's better to wait until they see you as autonomous before showing them all that you are. And as it is, living at home and living on their money, you're still dependent on them, even if you are your own person beyond that. That was a huge issue of mine, I had moved out and felt autonomous, but my mom didn't quite see it that way, and it's put a strain on our relationship that may never go away.

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Old 04-7-2012, 11:09 AM   #16
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Default Re: Issues at home.

Yeah, like Caveniro said, maybe it's not a good idea to tell your parents about your drug use. I don't tell my parents about the shit I do. I'm a pot head and they just think I smoke casually and I didn't tell them that by choice.
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Old 04-7-2012, 11:26 AM   #17
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Default Re: Issues at home.

if you intend to continue your drug use and are doing this willingly, probably best not to tell them


however, if you're trying to stop, they're the first people you should consult.
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