Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

[MrRubix]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Okay, but what is your rationale behind that statement? ie. What is your opinion about the points I brought up in the first post?

[wwwJ4mmYcouk]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

My rationale would be... If i cheated for instance on a girl (who i loved), i would rather wither away with guilt, that make them unhappy. Yes you can tell them and it would feel like the weight of the world has come of your shoulders but it would make them 1) Not trust you, and 2) Probably leave you.

[Nyokou]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Cheating, I think, can be forgiveable if it's done unintentionally especially under the influence of alcohol or if it's a marriage in which both people love each other deeply and have become lonely due to possibly different work schedules or even long distance (military service being the most common seperator of a married couple).

I know that my dad cheated on my mom many years ago when my brothers and I were still little but because he worked during the daytime and she worked at nighttime. He has been doing everything possible to make her the happiest woman in the world. He cares for her, he looks after her and he loves her so much and it shows. The guilt he feels is something I will never understand, but I imagine it must be painful for him. I'm not even sure if my mom knows about it and I don't want to tell or ask her about it. When the time comes, they will tell me about it themselves or my dad will confess to her. He probably already did and she forgave him. They love each other too much to ruin our lives and theirs like that, especially after what they went through as children which was much worse. I find it easy now to forgive my dad though because he undeniably adores and loves my mom.

If the passion and the love is still there, it may hurt, but it is forgiveable. After so many years together, she can't just give up over a simple mistake. And because of our religion, my father has come to realize that his punishment for that act of selfish adultery will be placed upon him after death. And no, I'm not saying he will go to hell. We're not those kinds of wacky Christian religions.

[MrRubix]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

See, I would never say that alcohol is an excuse for cheating, under any circumstances. I think you are responsible for your alcohol level as well as the consequences that may result. In general I don't think there is ever an excuse for cheating, really. If you are feeling lonely/not satisfied with the relationship/looking at someone else/whatever, there are better, more mature ways to deal with those situations that don't rely on breaking trust and being dishonest.

But I mean, if your dad indeed cheated, would you prefer that he had kept quiet to your mother or no? (I know you aren't sure about what happened, but what do you think is the better turnout?)

[dore]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

I think you should tell, because chances are if you feel the need to cheat in a relationship (especially in a pre-trying-to-get-married relationship) then you're wanting something else or someone else and you ought not to be together. If you're just in it for the sex then stick with one or the other and don't toy with people's emotions. I think, when you're in a relationship, it's fair to be interested in someone else and even start a relationship with someone else as long as you end it with your current partner. It's fair as long as you don't keep it from him/her, and chances are if you're interested in someone else the relationship won't work out no matter how hard you both try.

[wwwJ4mmYcouk]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Some people are happy in their relationship, and the sex they have with their partner - But they just want more.

[Oni-Paranoia]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

In general I don't think there is ever an excuse for cheating, really. If you are feeling lonely/not satisfied with the relationship/looking at someone else/whatever, there are better, more mature ways to deal with those situations that don't rely on breaking trust and being dishonest.

This is where I draw up a situation, and let it go from there since I believe some of us are using only the past to bring up a concept others don't see. There is no excuse for cheating but depending on the situation depicts whether to tell or not.

i.e. Jack is in a relationship with Monica for a month. He cheats on her with one of his ex-gfs at a friends house. He feels guilty, even though it was just a simple kiss. Does he tell or not?

An answer someone provides for that, can be different compared to this one.

i.e. James is in a relationship with Alicia for 15 months. He cheats on her with a grl hes been talking to online for awhile. He feels guilty, even though they were just making-out with a bit of rubbing. Does he tell or not?

Overall, if you care about the person and regret cheating, don't do it again and keep it a secret till the moment is right. When you and your partner are more bonded, then you throw out the speech and details and the sad face.
Ive been in this for both sides, so this is all in my opinion from Exp.

On a side note, DONT let your partner (if you happen to cheat) find out. It will destroy them tenfold. I guarantee it.

[MrRubix]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

I would say "tell" in both of those situations, Oni.

From personal experience, by the way, I can tell with near-certainty when someone is lying to me.

[Sh4d0wD3v1L]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

To the few people who are saying "if you're just going to cheat...", generally, people don't go into relationships thinking "I'm going to cheat on this person". It just happens. And TRD is right. There are some situations where cheating happens because of things the other person is doing to make you unhappy.

[welsh_girl]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Cheating, I think, can be forgiveable if it's done unintentionally especially under the influence of alcohol

What ? Being pissed is the most poorest excuse ever to cheat on someone and it's an excuse used way too often. If you really can't keep it in your trousers/your legs closed under the influence then you shouldn't drink as much and you pretty much deserve every STI coming your way.

[Oni-Paranoia]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

There are some situations where cheating happens because of things the other person is doing to make you unhappy.

Or what there not doing, makes you unhappy

EDIT: Mistakes happen, all cheating is in the moment and is usually not intentional. Telling is ALWAYS the answer, just the timing.. can be tricky.

[coraleaterlinda]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

definitely tell. it is way worse if they find out on their own.

[JurseyRider734]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Cheating isn't acceptable. Maybe in a marriage with kids I would take a shot at trying to get over it, but definitely not in a long term/short term relationship. Cheating on me is like saying "you're not good enough", and I deserve better than that.

[lumphoboextreme]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

Cheating isn't acceptable. Maybe in a marriage with kids I would take a shot at trying to get over it, but definitely not in a long term/short term relationship. Cheating on me is like saying "you're not good enough", and I deserve better than that.

this.

if you really care about someone and want to be with them you wouldn't put yourself in a position to cheat on them. i still haven't ever heard an actually forgivable situation where someone's cheated... it's really not that hard

[TC_Halogen]

Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

It's not the easiest thing to argue about.

On one side, you have the remorseless cheater, who figures it is to their benefit to terminate a relationship, and leave the other person in ruins. Contact ends, communication ceases--it's over.

But on the other, you have someone who committed infidelity once due to some circumstances (maybe the cheater was away for some reason?), and actually regrets what they have done. What do you do now?

You can become one of those people who is forced to hold a painful memory, and end contact because you fear what may happen to you. Or, you can make an attempt and try to talk about it to your spouse/girlfriend. Typically, weaker relationships break right here, and it pretty much ends with a bitter separation. But if the bond you hold is truly strong, you may be able to actually lay out the details as how it happened. Forget the past, and try to fix up for the future that you wish to have with your true love.