-Unknown-

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

mentally retarded is 70. i thought average was about 130...

and yeah good eye pointing that line out...i actually cringed as i wrote that particular line...lol.

but dont worry, there are plenty things im hoping will be subtle and unexpected in the upcoming chapters...

*edit*...oh. i have around 130. i assumed that was average. OHHHH WAIT. crap you're right. 130 isnt average its gifted. sorry bout that. i should change it.

[dood gone krazee]

Re: -Unknown-

I could see how the dialogue was to be used for a comic book in the first chapter, but it seemed as you went on it got loser and closer to dialogue for a novel, you had more character description and such.

Maybe just turn this into a novel, it sounds extremely good as is, and I would love to read more. I really like how the story is coming. So for a good plot line, you picked a few good cliffhangers and the characters seem interesting.

Though you could add more variety of vocabulary and make it a little more descriptive, I think maybe you have too many cliffhangers, and change from one characters point of view to the next too quickly. Maybe only limit a change in the point of view per chapter.

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

lol. its actually a little frustrating. i want it to be a comic. i think of it like a TV show. and i write it like a novel. strange. XD. its kinda hard not to write it like a novel, because if i wrote it like a comic, it would absolutely suck because you need the illustrations. guess i dug myself a nice little ditch.

as far as pov of the characters, i've thought about doing that, and even have a few that are like that. each chapter is a different character. but i found it hard to get through all the character's experiences in time for a major conflict or such. i found a way to fix it sort of, because when i get more characters...well. see in chapter 7 and 8, its only like maybe two or three perspectives. i think thats what i want to limit it to.

btw, is anyone having trouble figuring out who's narrarating when? i used to have headers with their names but i took those out.

anyways, here's chapter 4. its a major turning point. ( you know in all the places i posted this, this is the first place i got some real feedback...^.^)

-Unknown-

Volume 1: Origins

Chapter 4: Symptoms






-------------------------

I'm feeling much better now. It's about an hour later. Most of the pain has gone away. I got really depressed back there. Thinking I wanted to die. I guess I was overreacting a little. I guess pain can do that to you.

So I'm going to school. Hope it works out. I'm really not looking forward to all the work I missed. 4 days can rack up a whole pile of make-up work.

I wonder if anyone has wondered what's happened to me. I haven'..uhh...oh no.

All of a sudden I feel really, really sick. Like I want to vomit. I stumble back toward my room and slump over on the bed.

Looks like I'm not going to school after all...

-------------------------



"289??!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "That's impossible!!"

Samson shushed me. I was too loud. "Look I don't understand it either, I'm just telling you the results of the test." Samson just sort of shrugged helplessly.

"289...jeez..." I took a break from standing and sat down."I don't understand, I'm not even all that remarkably intelligent. On a good day I get C's and B's at school!"

"Maybe it's because...you're not applying it. I mean, most of this seems to be subconscious. I don't even think you realize how fast and how accurately your brain works." Samson continued to read over the results of my test, then finished off his coffee. "The doctor you went to see said that your brain continued to work even after you blacked out. It must all be subconscious..."

"But I was able to consciously enter your mind. It can't all be subconcious." I said. "Maybe certain parts of-" then quicker than my brain could register, Samson threw his coffee mug at my face.

I winced, anticipating the pain, eyes squinted shut.

The impact never came.



"Lyle...you might want to open your eyes." Samson half-whispered.

I did. And there was the mug, right in front of my face suspended in the air.

The mug fell to the ground.

"WHAT was that?" I said very loudly.

Samson grinned with a youthful sparkle in his eyes. "I think we just discovered something truly amazing..."

--------------------------


I kept walking.

"Jason. Jason! What's wrong with you?" She kept following.

I wish she could just leave me alone. I don't want to talk.

"Jason what's going on?" She asked one more time.

I turned around sharply and said "I told you. Bad dreams. Every night. The same one."

"Are they really that bad?" she asked quietly.

"Yes. They are. Terrible things happen in my dreams. And I try to stop them from happening and I fail. I'm in a burning building and I hear someone screaming for help. I'm running and running through fire that scorches my skin, trying to find the voice that's screaming. I run into a stairwell and look down. There's a person lying at the bottom, crumpled and broken. Flames just starting to engulf the corpse." I broke off. I didn't want to continue.

"Jason it's just a nightmare, It's not real." She said.

"No, it IS real!" I said in an angry whisper. "I don't just have these dreams I live them. I experience them. This isn't the only one, just the only one I can remember clearly. This is the first one I was ever able to recall when I wake up."

She looked concerned. I couldn't bear to look at her face. "Look there's no reason to be upset, it'll be alright"

"No it won't Nikki. It was you." I whispered.

She looked confused.

"You're the one in the stairwell. I see the corpse burning. And before the flames cover the face....it's you."

Her face was a mix of horror, confusion and skepticism.

"You're going to die Nikki."

---------------------------

I focused on the can of Mountain Dew. One hand outstretched to the right of the can.

It was lunch. Samson had shown me something amazing by chucking a coffee mug at me. It was a bitter sweet feeling. I needed to do it again. I needed to convince myself it actually happened.

The can was quite sutbborn.

Besides, the cafeteria is too crowded. If I did move the can I couldn't let anyone see. I mean...it'd be kinda cool if someone knew I could do that but...people might freak out.

After school I drove to Samson's office. Strange how he was so upset about me interrupting his schedule the first day, but he never seems to be doing anything. Guess he's fooling himself. I laughed to myself.

"How did I do that this morning Samson? The mug just...stopped!" I was astonished at what I had done. And a little excited.

"It's called telekinesis Lyle. I really didn't expect this. Your brain power is so strong that you somehow converted mental energy into kinetic energy. It's really quite remarkable. But it only happened subconsciously, again." Samson said in a slightly excited tone.

"I tried to do it at will today. It didn't work." I said to him.

"What did you try it on?" Samson asked. I raised up the soda I was drinking. He furrowed his brows and said "Set it down on the table."

I did. The can was pretty much empty.

"Now try it again."

I concentrated on the can again. Outstretched arm just like I tried before. I really tried to focus. I formed a mental image of the can in my mind. I tried to will it to move...




Nothing.

"Look it's not-" *rattle* I jerked my eyes toward the can. It moved.

"Focus Lyle" Samson encouraged.

I tried...yes. I could feel the can now. It was there. I wanted it to move into my hand.

It slid smoothly across the table and right into my palm.

"I did it. Oh my God. I can move things with my mind. I'm like a freakin Jedi." I said in hypnotic amazement.

"If you're going to be making Star Wars references, you should probably leave now." Samson said. We both laughed.

Something occured to me. "Wait Samson...I can't be the only one this is happening to. Right? I mean this is some kind of mutation?"

"I'm not sure, I haven't analyzed the DNA yet. It could be." He said.

I continued. "If it is...it can't just be me. What if there are people out there who are going through the same thing? Or at least similar?"

Samson's face got a little more serious again. "Don't get ahead of yourself Lyle, we're still trying to figure out what's going on with you. I don't want to have 15 other kids throwing soda cans around my office." The serious guise had broken by the time he finished the sentence.

So....I'm telepathic and telekinetic. And apparently the smartest man on Earth. For something that started off as a painful migraine, things have gotten really awesome.

The next morning I woke up and school didn't seem like such a horrible idea.

----------------------------

Yesterday Jason had been acting so weird. What he said, he really believed was going to happen. I don't understand.

"What do you think Dana?" I asked Dana.

"He probably just had a very, very terrifying nightmare. Dreams can be very vivid." Dana said with an almost dull expression.

"You know alot of guys have been really sick lately. Phillip Summers has been out of school the past week." I said suspiciously.

"Yes. Maybe there's some nasty bug going around and giving people nightmares. We need to find the cure immediately." She said in a sarcastic tone that I was barely able to tolerate.

"Shut up". I couldn't come up with anything better. What she said wasnt funny anyway.

"Besides I saw Phillip this morning. He didn't look too good but he said he was feeling alot better." Dana informed.

"Since when have you talked to Phillip?" I joked.

But deep down I didn't feel like joking. I was really afraid. Jason must have had good reason to be scared. Maybe I should be scared too. Dana and I went through the stairway door. I stopped in front of the stairs and looked up. Then back at the landing.

"...Nikki. Come on, you're going to be late to homeroom. Nothing's going to happen." Dana tried to reassure me.

I wiped the growing fear from my mind and went upstairs.

-----------------------------

I was feeling a lot better today, So good that I went to school today.

I think I just may be able to make it through the day. I sighed deeply and thought about all the work I had to gather from my teachers. I slammed my locker shut and walked into homeroom. The morning announcements were going along on the TV in the upper right corner of the room. Did anyone actually care about what they were saying?

Oh no...not again.


I slumped over on my desk and put my arms over my face. That deep sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was...growing. It was intense. The burning feeling moved from my stomach, and through my chest, right down my arms.

Now my arms hurt? What? It kept moving.

I looked at my hands.

They were glowing bright white, emitting orange light and vibrating violently.

"What the-...?" Somebody sitting next to me said.

And then something even more surprising happened.




My hands exploded.

[Commandersa1]

Re: -Unknown-

Haha at "My hands exploded." Totally threw me off guard. You kind of sped through the whole, I have a lot of powers, but I really did not mind it. It just seemed kind of overwhelming? You know?

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

thanks, lol. i was kind of worried about what people would think about that last line.

yeah things are really gonna pick up thats how i wanted it, they get these powers and almost immediately their lives become nothing close to normal. not a whole lot of time to think about how overwhelming it really is. when things calm down a little, they get some time to think about whats goin on bu thats when it gets sad and you start feeling for the characters. wont go much into that yet.

the next one is FREAKIN long, takes up two posts. so i'll do that tomorrow. everyone enjoy this one, the next one is our first high point of action, our heroes' Trial By Fire.

[dood gone krazee]

Re: -Unknown-

Really very good, but it annoys me how you change the point of view so quickly. It seems as if this could be more of a movie script then a story, or even a comic book. It seems like you can't think up of enough description for the image your trying to portray to the audience.

I'm really liking the plot, but I just had a thought. This is a bit like Heroes. The characters are quite similiar.

Telekenesis, that was one of the character's powers in Heroes. Also radioactivism, if that's the right word. I'm thinking Phillip Summers could have THAT power, but hey, not enough has been said. Jason also has the power similiar to the painter in Heroes, what he would paint actually happens, in Jason's case, what he dreams happens. Which I'm guessing WILL happen, seeing as though how you set up Nikki's position.

Which brings me to another point. It seems like your building so much detail onto Lyle, a little bit more onto Jason, and you have almost no background informatiom on Phillip at all. I think the little parts of him you have are way too short, and could be lengthened. Jason has an alright description but could have more, while Phillip seems like right now a secondary character, much like Nikki.

Also, related to your question in Symptoms, you asked if at any part it was hard to tell what character the point of view was from. Honestly, when you started out the chapter, I was confused who the hell you were talking about because you didn't have enough information about him for my mind to grasp the character. Long story short I had to reread Migranes. Again at the end of Symptoms, I had a hard to figuring out who it was... until you mentioned the sickening pain.

I think you should probably build more on the characters before you hit a big event in the plot, or people are going to get confused later and just give up on the character, I'm thinking Phillip could be a great character with some more development.

All in all an alright story, 3/5. 2/5 because of grammer and punctuation errors. I think you definitly need to build on this. What are you gonig to study in college? Maybe something you learn there could help writing this story. After all you said you would end up really working on this after college. (Geez that's a while) Ahh, but great work takes time, and I believe this could be very very good! In my opinion, this would make a better novel then anything. Hey, if you end up publishing the story and it becomes a seller, some movie director could come along and make a movie from the book, which then the concept art and such would come in handy.

Keep working on it, I would love to read more.

(Wow long post)

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

lol *sigh*...yeah i didnt think anyone would notice at this point. good eye. when heroes came on i found that my comic was PAINFULLY painfully similar. this is why i have a love/hate relationship with the show. i did everything i could to change the similarities, but there were some things i couldnt change without deeply alterring the volumes to come. im not worried about telekinesis cause thats pretty much a super power staple no matter where you go. Jason...i originally had Jason's power development differently. it first started with deja vu's, the short visions, and then..well that hasnt happened yet. honestly, i forgot entirely about the deja vu's and by the time i realized it was too late to fix. lol.

so there are a few things that are going to seem similar, and some things that are going to blatantly scream heroes to some people. all i can do is to ask you to please forgive these moments in this volume, and trust that the second one branches off far away from heroes (which it does.)

moving on, i should probably start each POV off with a name header then? i guess thats fair because in the comic youd instantly know who it is because of the pictures. thats how i originally had it. with headers.

about the idea of a novel...i have been considering this. comics almost seem dead nowadays, i mean they were never as popular as they once were. but there are many scenes in the story that i feel would have a much better impact if the reader could actually see whats happening. its hard to describe some things in words. but its something im going to have to consider.

college? i plan on going to Joe Kubert's School of Cartoon and Graphic Art in Dover, New Jersey. so yeah im hoping that will help a lot, lol.

k...ima post the 5th one. prepare yourself, this one is much longer. first action scene. hoping it goes well.

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

-Unknown-

Volume 1: Origins

Chapter 5: Evacuation

----------------------------

-Jason Tucker-

I sat in homeroom watching something extremely bizzare happen. The person next to me, Phillip Summers. His hands were glowing.

"What the...?" I said dazed.

Then I was blown back out of my desk against the wall. My back arched in pain. I yelled in surprise of the force of the explosion and the intensity of the heat. Not to mention the pain in my back. My eyes were blinded from what had just happened. His hands exploded! Like some kind of bomb. Everyone in the room had been thrown out of their desk and the room was in chaos. The windows were broken. Had someone been blasted through them and fallen to their death?

Nikki. Where was she? How much of the building had been affected by the explosion? She was on the floor above me. I had to get out of this hellhole and find her.

I looked around the room. Everything was on fire. Drenched in an orange glow. The fire alarm was blaring. Other kids were stumbling out of the room led by the teacher. Some people weren't moving. I went around the room trying to wake other people up. "Let's try to get out of here, too much smoke!" Me and the rest of the people left on the room headed for the door trying to dodge the flames.

"Jason, what about Phillip?" a kid named Mark said. I looked toward where his body is. He was sprawled on the ground with not a mark on him, unlike the rest of us. Somehow he had caused this. I went over to his limp body and threw him over my shoulder. "Let's go!"

My face was burning. I don't think it had actually been damaged but the energy of the blast gave me that feeling. The hallway was the same as the room. Melted lockers were falling from their place. There were other students fleeing their respective homerooms. I was sweating. It was so hot in here. We all stood in the hallway like deer in headlights trying to figure out what we should do.

"Head for the east exit, that's the fastest way out of here!" I shouted over the sound of the flames. We ran through inferno that was once our school at top speed. As we approached we saw that the exit was blocked. The ceiling had collapsed around the door. A few people tried to move the debris, but it was too much.

I started breathing hard. I was panicking. "Eric! Martin! That stuff isn't gonna give way. We have to find another way out." We headed back the way we came. Into the depths of the inferno.

-----------------

-Nikki Anderson-

"Nikki."

What was that...?

"NIKKI!"

Me. That was my name.

I woke up. Lyle Beckett was staring down at me trying to wake me up. The room was on fire.

"Lyle...? Wait, what happened?" I asked the kid I barely knew.

"No time, we've gotta get out of here. At this rate this whole wing will be a pile of dust within minutes. We have to help the others too." Lyle said.

I looked at my surroundings again. There were bodies everywhere, some of them concious and groaning from injuries, and some of them not, remaining motionless. I feared some of them may be dead.

"Everyone grab some of the bodies and get out of here! No one is left behind!" Lyle shouted. Since when was he the leader type? I went around the debris of what once was a homeroom, and tried to wake people up. What had happened here? Did someone set off a bomb? I wonder if Jason is alright...

Jason!

I ran out the door. Lyle called after me. "Where are you going?!"

"I have to find Jason! I'll be back, I'm not ditching anyone!" I shouted because I was sprinting toward the stairwell to the ground floor. I'm surrounded by fire! It was an oven in here. The heat was distorting the air around me making it hard to see. I came up on the hall where I had to turn when...nothing. The whole floor was gone. Right where the two hallways meet there was a hole in the floor. Ilooked down at the ground floor the building. The stairs were just around the corner. Maybe I could jump it? I might be able to drop down without spraining anything...

Then the floor i was standing on began to give way. I screamed loudly and jumped back quickly. More of the floor tumbled to the first floor.

There's no way I'm jumping that now.

Only one choice left.

I stepped off the floor and braced myself for the fall.

-----------------

Heat.

Somewhere near. I felt pressure bearing down on me.

I tried to open my eyes. It was dark.

I groaned and tried to move my legs. I couldn't. A deep pang of fear resonated throughout me. I couldn't move my legs.

My legs...my. Me. Who am I? I tried to think. It was hard to remember things.

Dana. That was it. Dana Williams. I was covered in debris. I think it was part of the ceiling or wall. There was some kind of explosion...a bomb? Who would set off a bomb?

That's a stupid question. Anyone could set off a bomb. I needed to get this off me. There was heat. Fire was nearby. If I didn't get out of here I'd be burned alive. I tried to position my arms right. I pushed against the debris. I tried to push with my legs. Nothing.
I kept pushing. Nothing. I was trapped. I'm going to die. All I could do was scream for help.

So that's what I did. I screamed for help like a frightened child, because right now, that's exactly what I am.

------------------

-Jason Tucker-

The group of us ran through the maze that was our school. It was even more frustrating because of the number of blocked hallways, whether by debris or walls of fire. It was such a large group of survivors it was hard to keep everyone together. I constantly had the nagging at the back of my head to find Nikki. I still hadn't found her. I heard sirens in the backround.

We kept hitting dead ends. We couldn't find an exit. Not even a window. There were no fire extinguishers in this wing. We were trapped in a burning building. I was staring at yet another wall of fire that was separting us from survival.

"What do we do..." I muttered. It wasn't looking good at all. I looked around at the scared dirtied faces around me. We were all going to die in the fire.

"wait..." Mark suddenly said. He looked up at the ceiling. "I can see a fire extinguisher of the other side of the fire!" He said hopefully. His optimism pissed me off a little bit.

"One problem. We can't walk through fire!" I shouted. I was frustrated. Frustration makes me angry.

Mark was still hopeful. "I can push one of the ceiling panels through. Crawl over the fire. Drop out down on the other side. Use the extinguisher to kill the flames and then get out of here. The exit is just on the other side!"

It was still dangerous. "What if the the fire starts burning the ceiling while you're in it?" Mark looked at me with a funny look.

"Either way I'll still burn." He said. I had to think. But I didn't have time to think. The fire was closing in on us.

"Get on my shoulders!" Mark did so as fast as he could. I lifted him up. He punched one of the panels through."You get a hold?"

"Yeah, I did but I can't get myself up though." I looked at Eric and motioned for him to help. He reached up and helped hoist up Mark into the ceiling. He was in. He lifted himself up and started his way across.

"Mark if you start feeling to much heat get out of there!" I shouted. The others were behind me silently hoping it worked."Mark are you alright?" I shouted again. The flames started growing higher. "MARK!"

Then I heard the extinguisher, and I saw flames die down. There was Mark on the other side grinning triumphantly, despite the burns he got from the drop.

"ALRIGHT, get out of here!" I yelled to the others. I waited until everyone was out the door, when I wheeled around and headed back down the hall.

"Jason what are you doing??" Mark yelled back.

"I have to find Nikki! I can't leave without making sure she's okay!" I yelled to him.

"You'll need this." Mark said as he tossed the extinguisher to me. "Don't die in there."

Without a word I ran headlong back into the flames.

----------------

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

cont


-Lyle Beckett-

I had left that room with everyone that could run by themselves. Some were being carried. We had to find a way out. Nikki ran off, so I had no idea where she was. The small group of us tried to look around in other rooms but no one was there. I heard sirens now. I suppose it's about time the firemen showed up. All I had was a fire extinguisher...and when that ran out...

I just hope they're fast enough to save us from the fire. I was coughing from the smoke. I was beginning to fear it might affect me long-term. But I tried to ignore that. Right now I had to worry about the immediate threat.

There was a lot of debris. I was having alot of trouble just trying to get out of this wing. There was so much noise now. Burning fire. The fire alarm was blaring. You could hear the panicking voices of other students trying to find their way out. Sirens of fire trucks outside the building. They were spraying water at the school. I still haven't seen any firemen. They're having the same trouble we were navigating the debris.

We made it down the stairs and to the ground floor, then came to a four-way hallway intersection. The path to the right was all caved in from the ceiling. I could go straight toward the main entrance where there's likely to be firemen, or left toward the side exit. I decided to go straight. Right before I moved, I caught a glance of Jason to the left, running alone, with a fire extinguisher, away from any exit.

"Jason!" I shouted.

He looked at me wide-eyed. He was worried about something. I mean, besides the school being on fire. "Beckett!" He ran toward us. "Have you seen Nikki?"

"Yeah, but she ran off looking for you on the 2nd floor. I don't know where she is." I said

"I have to go find her. Head to the left, the main entrance is blocked. There were some firemen chasing me, so stick with them. Don't worry about me."

So we all ran to the left to find those firemen. But we found someone else first. It was Nikki. Nikki. Jason was chasing her. And here she was. He went to the 2nd floor. That's bad.

"Nikki! I thought you were still on the second floor!" I shouted.

"I was, but Jason's homeroom is on the ground floor! He wasn't in there!" She shouted back at me. Lots of shouting.

"Because he's been looking for YOU! I told him you were still on the second floor! He's headed up there right now!" This was really bad. He's going to die.

She looked extremely afraid and guilty. "Oh my God...I have to go find him!"

"NO. Get these people out of here and get OUTSIDE. I'll go get Jason. GO." I shouted. The two of them can't be in this building. She took the lead and headed toward the flashlights down the hall. The firemen.

This was getting way too complicated.

--------------

-Jason Tucker-

Ok. Mark took Phillip and the rest of them outside. Beckett is taking a group outside. Nikki is on the 2nd floor. I can do this. No one will get hurt. Most of the students are already outside. This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. I should be outside now. Why am I still in a burning building.

Nikki.

The vision. I couldn't let it come true.

And then i heard what I've been waiting for. The screaming. I heard someone screaming. It was Nikki. It was coming true. She'll die if i don't do anything to stop it.

I ran toward the stairs that led up to the 2nd floor. It wasn't going to happen. Nothing will be my fault.

---------------

-Dana Williams-

No one came. Why didn't anyone hear me? My throat hurt from screaming. Had everyone in the room left? They wouldn't have known I was stuck under here.

I couldn't rely on anyone. I had to do this myself. I had to get this off of me. I started pushing against it again. I had to get it off. I had to survive. I can DO THIS!

Amazingly the debris started lifting. I was lifting it! My arms were extended all the way. If I was quick, I could scurry out.

I pushed off with my legs and rolled out from underneath the debris! I escaped! I sure am stronger than I thought. I guess adrenaline can do that for you. Now I had to get out of this building. Ok, 2nd floor. Need to find the stairs.

---------------
-Jason Tucker-

The screaming stopped.

"Nikki!!"

It can't be. She had to be alive still. I ran into the stair well and started up the stairs.

A plank of the ceiling fell in front of me. On fire.

I looked up. The ceiling of the stairwell was on fire. And it's collapsing! Before I had anytime to think, a big piece fell down towards me. I braced myself for the impact. It hit me, forcing me down to the floor. Oh God that hurt...but now I was pinned to the floor. I couldn't lift it. And a part of the debris was on fire. I had to save Nikki.

"Nikki!" I was still screaming. But now I knew. I looked at the debris. I looked up...i recognized the situation. It was my dream. My vision. But it was not Nikki I had to save...It was my own life.

But I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough. I'm going to burn alive like Nikki did in my dream. I had it mixed up. I read it wrong. I failed.

So I closed my eyes and accepted my fate.

---------------
-Dana Williams-

I ran toward the stairwell. I dashed down the stairs but...Right in front of the second landing was a big piece of the ceiling. And a PERSON underneath!

"Holy..!" I started but never finished. He opened his eyes. It was Jason. "Hold on I'll get you out of here."

He looked at me hopelessly. I saw the debris was partly on fire and spreading. "I can't move it. You can't move it. Leave me."

"No way pal..." I said. I grabbed a hold of the debris and prepared to lift it. Something weird happened. I was going to lift it slowly, but it was so light! Is ceiling supposed to be this easy to lift? I threw it effortlessly behind me and it hit a wall and broke apart.

Jason's eyes were huge. "How did you do that...?"

"Adrenaline?" That's the best answer I had.
---------------
-Lyle Beckett-

I did a quick scan for any present minds. I sensed two. In the stairwell. Jason and....Dana Williams?

I ran over the stairway. "Jason! Come one this whole place is burning up! Nikki's outside and safe!"

"Yeah I know" Jason said it a strange voice.

"Is it me or does it feel alot hotter in here?" Dana said

"Yes it is hotter. Because the fire is getting worse. We've spent WAY too long in the fire, we need to get out now!"

The three of us ran toward the main entrance. Dana was supporting Jason as they ran. I guess he had hurt his legs. Jason said "The entrance is blocked Lyle, I told you that. Lyle?" I just kept running. As we approached the debris, I knew what I had to do. I focused on the debris, and a wave of invisible force shot out from me, to the wall, and blew it apart.

At this point I was literally dragging the two of them along with me, they were so dumbfounded.

"Beckett..." Jason said wearily.

"Later." I said hastily. Dana was just staring at me looking puzzled.

All I could see was the exit door. That's all I cared about. It was bright. There were firemen rushing here and there, people wrapped in their arms. I barreled through the door, and kept running.

I just kept running until I fresh air fill my lungs. It hurt to breathe. I took in huhge breaths of air between the coughing. The world around me was a swirl of gray shades and small snippets of colors. I was free. Safe. It was over.

All over.

I fell to the ground. Breathing hard. Firemen were running around me. One of them trying to see if I had stopped breathing. I had thought that was obvious enough. Another, a medic, was trying to treat my burns.

Finally over.

My trial of fire.

[dood gone krazee]

Re: -Unknown-

This whole scenario screamed Heroes. There was a school fire, I believe, in the beginning of the story. Either that or a house fire, and some of the heroes went in to save some people.

It was good, but I was not suggesting putting a name before each change of point of view, I was suggesting maybe making it more clear with details on who the character is. That, or just don't change the point of view so much. I'm actually beginning to get a bit annoyed because of how many times you like to change the point of view, it makes me a little confused, and its like just as I'm starting to get attached the Lyle's personality and such, then you switch it to Jason or Dana.

So far, I think this story could get improved by not changing the point of view so many times, and so close together. You basically just write a paragraph or two and then change it.

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

no..there wasnt. that was just some random fire claire ran into to save some old guy, and didnt get burned. later in the show, there was fire when Ted went crazy in claire's house and the fire Niki was in, season 2. thats it.....lol...honestly i dont see how this particular scenario screamed Heroes whatsoever.

the reason this particular chapter had crazy shifts, was because i tried to reflect the panic and chaos of the story.

the way the Volumes are set up: there are 5 or so intertwining story arcs. right now we're in the second one. it was very jumpy in the first arc because i needed to introduce characters fast, and develop them to a certain point in the story. but now that most of the characters have already gone through that, i will be able to smooth out the shifting POV's.

and the name headers didnt help? i figured that would pretty much wipe away the confusion.....hmm. dang.

question to readers: from what you've read so far, what do you think of the characters? (even the ones who dont have powers like Samson, Nikki, even Mark)

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

-double post-

[Terry316]

Re: -Unknown-

....yeah, or not.

-Unknown-

Volume 1: Origins

Chapter 6: The Agency

_____________________

Phillip Summers
------------------------

I opened my eyes weakly. My clothes were singed. My body ached. There were voices around me. I heard loud clicks coming from some kind of device. Someone was holding it over me.

"He's awake. Get him out of here." Someone said. Where was I? What happened? The last thing I remember is sitting in homeroom...and then...

My eyes snapped open fully to stare at the horrific disaster. Fire lashing out through the windows and smoke billowing out from every opening.

Firemen rushing in and out, carrying limp bodies. Policemen keeping the crowd back and blocking off the roads, people on stretchers, helicopters, news crews. It was absolute chaos.

What have I done?

___________________

Lyle Beckett
----------------------

I was sitting in the back of an ambulance having a medic bandage my arm. Everyone was very shaken. They had just survived a complete disaster. I had just revealed my abilities to two people I never talk to. I was a little shaken too from that. I hadn't caught wind if anyone had died from the explosion. There were a lot of people with serious burns.

It was me, Jason, Dana, Nikki and a guy named Mark Reagal standing at the back of the ambulance after the medic was done. I know Jason wanted badly to talk about what he had seen me do...or did he? I didn't know. He's seemed really, really out of it since we got him out of the stairwell. More than anyone else. I could try and see what was wrong with him...but I've been thinking hard that maybe I shouldn't abuse what I can do.

So instead, we all talked about what had just happened.

"The story is that someone planted a bomb in one of the classrooms as a terroristic act. But the problem is that there's massive radioactivity being picked up everywhere. First of all, where would any of us get nuclear material, and second, if it were a nuclear bomb wouldn't it have been bigger? The amount of activity they're picking up doesn't reflect the amount of damage that was done to the building. That much activity should have done alot more." I said, explaining the situation.

"I dunno, I woke up with Lyle shaking at my shoulders. I had no clue what was going on." Nikki said.

"I'm pretty sure it came from our room. The explosion seemed really strong." Mark said. "If it was really a bomb, Jason and I should be dead."

Dana and Jason remained quiet. They both looked like they were hiding something. Then Jason spoke up. Quietly.

"I saw it happen." he whispered. We all kinda leaned in. I felt kind of childish. "It was Phillip. Summers. His hands...I don't know. His hands started glowing really bright. Then..the room exploded."

I realized my mouth was hanging open. His hands were glowing? That's not normal.

Normal.

I'm not normal. Could this be what I've been looking for? I need to talk to Phillip. Find out what happened. I may not be the only one with...problems.

"Uhh....his hands?" Dana said. Jason shrugged.

This guy Eirc showed up. His name was Eric. Dana left with him. Guess they were going out or something...I don't pay much attention to that stuff.

"Does anyone know where Phillip is?" I asked.

"I carried him out of the building when Jason left. I just let the firemen handle it. I'm not sure where they'd put him." He replied. Then he thought for a moment. "Why?"

"No reason really." Lame lie. Still, I got up and left to go search for Phillip.

_________________

Phillip Summers
--------------------

I was in a daze...The medics led me to a tent somewhere...near...I dunno...The flashes of the media cameras were almost blinding to me. They were trying to ask me what it was like...I pretty much just ignored them.

I saw a man on a stretcher. One of the teachers...medics were desperately trying to save his life. I had done that. It was my fault.

When I got to a tent with just a few other people I collapsed on a cot. I layed there for a while. I didn't want to think about anything. What had happened. What I'd done.

Then the other people left. And new people came in. They wore suits.

"Hello Phillip." one of them said. How did he know my name? I couldn't really see his face. My vision blurred out on me. "Can you hear me alright?"

"Yea..." I groaned. What was going on...?

"I'm just here to ask you a few questions Phillip, ok?" He said in a fatherly voice. Father. Something I never had.

"What did you eat this morning Phillip?" He asked.

...What? What did I eat?" "I didn't have breakfast." I answered weakly.

"Why didn't you have breakfast?" He pressed. What does it matter?

"I didn't feel well." I said.

"You still came to school though." He paused waiting for my reply.

"Uhh..." I was blacking out.

"Come on Phil, stay with me. Why would you go to school when you're sick?" He said.

"Yeah, I had been out too long and I thought I would come in and get my work." I said. What were all these questions about?

"You've been sick for awhile then? What were your symptoms?" He asked. His tone changed. Just a little bit. He sounded more...persuasive.

"Just some stomach aches" I lied. I had so many other symptoms as well. I had realized what was happening. What he was trying to do.

"Nothing else? Come on Phil, you stayed a week out of school from a stomach ache?" He asked. I delayed my answer. See, I had never said how long I was out. I don't trust this guy. I can't let him know I caused this.

I was coming to now. My vision was coming back, but now one of them had a small flashlight and was checking out my eyes. Conveniently, once again I was blinded.

"What, now you're making fun of me? My stomach hurt. I was planning on going to the doctor's this week." I answered firmly.

He decided to move on to a different line of questioning. "What were you doing in homeroom today?" He asked.

Homeroom. That's when it happened. "Sitting."

"What about when the bomb went off? What were you doing then?" He pressed further.

I couldn't say anything. Not even the slightest hint it was my fault. I don't know what would happen. "I don't know. I just remember sitting in homeroom, then a loud noise, then waking up in the tent. I don't remember anything." I insisted.

He fell silent for a bit. The flashlight turned off, leaving stars in my eyes.

"Thank you for your time Mr. Summers."
______________________

Lyle Beckett
--------------------------

I was walking around. The flames had died down. But the school...half of it was blackened and burnt. A part of the building was left relatively unharmed. I wonder what we'd do for school now...

There was still some activity, especially with the media. But for now the crisis was over. Now I just needed to find...Hm.

There were a few men in suits talking to a police officer outside a tent. Another one walked out of a tent. Inside I caught a glimpse of blonde hair on a cot. Phillip. I reached my consciousness inside the tent. It was him alright.

What were those guys talking about...? And what did it have to do with Phillip...?

If there were anytime to abuse it....I hid behind a tent and focused towards the suit-guy and the cop. I needed to hear their conversation. But I couldn't go so far that they could feel my presence, like Samson did.

I got a hold of it.

<...know, but we think this may be a special case.> The suit guy said. Or thought. Both.

<No. I said no. This boy needs to recover first, then you need the consent of his guardians. Who are you anyway?> The cop said.

They paused for a moment. Did they? Or did I miss something?

<I'm with a special branch of government. An agency of sorts. MRC. You can deny me for now, but I'll be back with guardian permission as well. And next time, you may want to consider clashing with a federal agent my friend.> said the agent in a somehow friendly yet angry tone.

The conversation ended. I looked around the tent. The agents were walking away and the cop looked pissed. H'e not used to his authority being questioned. An agency...? I had never heard of MRC. FBI,CIA sure. But this was beyond me. Are these guys legit?

Whatever it is, they seemed interested in Phillip. Why...? He was just a kid like me.

Then my brain made the connection. 'Like me'. Phillip and I have something in common. A certain lack of normalcy.

Those agents are interested in talking to Phillip for the same reason I am.