Old 04-12-2007, 07:58 PM   #1
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Default Into the Cave

Into the Cave





Chapter 1

2312AD FEB.13 4:29 A.M.

“Tyler! Tyler! Wake up!”
“What? Huh?” I opened my eyes and it was my cousin Chris. “What is it?”
“It’s coming.”
“Ughh…”
Life in 2,300 A.D. was very hard. Ever since WWIII the world had pretty much gone down hill. The population was only 1,000,000,000 the government was corrupt, and various… creatures had inhabited the Earth. Now pretty much everyone in the world was poor, besides the government, bounty hunters, and drug dealers. Basically it just wasn’t a very nice place.
Chris and I were in one of the worst places you could be at the time. We were in a place called shadow valley. It was dark, and right out of a place called The District of Columbia. We were at a point in time when the land had finally stopped moving. It had stopped moving around 2,250 and all of the lands were connected again.
The District of Columbia was the real name of the land, but ever since it became the capitol of the world the officials there forbid anyone to call it by its name. Everyone just called it the capitol. The capitol was the only rich place in the world, and it was the most corrupt too.
The world wasn’t all bad though. There were still several settlements outside of the capitol, but they didn’t have the basic supplies that the capitol people had. They mostly lived in tents.
We used to be citizens of the capitol. We would spend 5 minutes a day with our learning caps on, then we would go to our jobs for a few hours and work. I worked at a hovercraft gas station and Chris worked a McDonald. Both of our families had been killed by a stampede of rhontics. We were only 13 and we had to work, but it was better then going hungry.
The government would take half of our money every month. Then they would spend it to “help the country” by only paying themselves with 88% of the taxes. The other 12% would really be given to some bounty hunters or they would get a new paint job for the white house. But really they didn’t give a damn about the people.
We had a decent life until… we had a bounty put on our heads. A man named
Mr. Gallows was out to kill us. He was the biggest bounty hunter in all of the capital and he was out to kill. All we did was… I dunno maybe steal a few rubies or diamonds, but it was still not rational to put a bounty on our heads!
Mr. Gallows had a mysterious past, nobody really knew him very well, but that was probably a good thing. He used odd techniques in his bounty hunts. He would first go through your possessions and find fingerprints. He would scan the fingerprints into a government analyzing system. If he got the fingerprint match that he wanted then you were dead. With a fingerprint access he could get all of your information, name, eye color, age, even smell! And the smell was the worst thing about it. If this mysterious bounty hunter accessed your smell he would make a whole room smell like your scent. It would leave creatures in the room for three days until releasing them, and then they would know what to do.
“Tyler we have to go now!” yelled Chris.
“Okay! I’m going!”
I got up and ran as fast as I could with Chris. My heart was beating faster than ever; it felt like it would explode!
“What do we do?” I asked
“I think I saw a cave up not to high in the mountains, we should try hiding there.”
“But what about our scents?” I asked nervously.
“Dammit!” yelled Chris quietly. “Here try and rub some of your peanut butter on both of us, it’ll throw our scents off a little bit.”
“Okay.” I looked behind me only to find it was only about a mile behind us. It had black wings and scythes, they were all wearing black robes that covered most of its body except there heads. Its heads big and ugly, like bones but they were red and disfigured. And did I forget to mention it was 8 feet tall. I started to doubt if Chris and I would get out alive.
“Here let’s get behind this rock,” I said.
We got behind a big eight foot tall boulder as dark as the things robe. We took off our shirts and I took out my backpack and got the peanut butter. We rubbed it all over each others stomachs and tried to climb up the cave. It was hard and the thing was gaining on us fast, but once we finally got up to it we hid near the back behind a rock. We weren’t sure if it would work but it was our only hope.
Time went by slower than ever. It felt like 3 hours but really it was only 5 minutes later when it finally came to the small mountain. The peanut butter didn’t cover up our scents apparently. It was flying up the mountain easily and quickly. There was nowhere to go except… into the cave, but I had no idea what was in it and I was too scared to move!
Then finally, the haunting beast was in front of us. His robe was flapping in the autumn wind, his scythe in his ice cold hand, ready to attack. I didn’t know what to do but just sit there as still as possible. It was about a yard away from the cave, and it was coming closer. My life didn’t exactly “flash before my eyes”, but maybe that was because I wasn’t going to die. It came closer, until it was at the entrance of the cave. A white light appeared and the thing screamed in pain. I had no idea what was going on. His bones turned white and he caught on fire, he flew away quickly screaming.






Chapter 2



FEBRUARY 10 (THREE DAYS EARLIER) 8:00 P.M.
“Hey Tyler, I’m home!” said Chris.
“Hey, there’s pizza in the fridge,” I said. Chris always would get home a bit later then me but, I would always go to work earlier then him. We never went to school either; we just didn’t have enough time to support our selves and school. We ate and discussed our day, just like any other day, until Chris said something interesting.
“Hey… I heard this that there are some abandoned jewels out in the old wear houses behind the zoo.”
“So?”
“So! So we should maybe “accidentally” take some of them!”
“We can’t steal those! We would get arrested!”
“But it’s not really stealing unless somebody still has them! And besides it’s an abandoned wear house that nobody has gone too in forever. It would pay off our rental payments for a 6 month, and we would be able to buy that big screen high def. TV you’ve been wanting for The Super Bowl.”
I paused for a minute then said “Alright I guess we can check it out, but we can’t take it unless we are one hundred percent sure it doesn’t have an owner.”
“Ok ok,” he replied.
I went to bed that night after I took a shower, just pondering about the world. There was so much more then just the capitol and I wanted to visit it. All I needed was a little money. I had heard a rumor a few months ago that there was a big island somewhere in the ocean. It was full of free people, with a just government, and nobody there was poor. I wanted to go there some day, if it was real.

This is all I have so far, what do you think?
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If you eat a pizza it does not give you the urge to fly a kite.
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What if Billy talked to her? hes irrisistable
My story

Last edited by Billydude; 04-12-2007 at 08:42 PM..
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Old 04-12-2007, 08:48 PM   #2
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Default Re: Into the Cave

Very good, especially for a person my age

Also first post in literature XD
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Old 04-13-2007, 01:54 PM   #3
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Default Re: Into the Cave

Meh, more replies please. And feel free to be honest, if you didn't like it you can say it, but please tell me why.
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If you eat a pizza it does not give you the urge to fly a kite.
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What if Billy talked to her? hes irrisistable
My story
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Old 04-13-2007, 04:19 PM   #4
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Default Re: Into the Cave

Well, it's fairly creative but not really well written. If you fixed the grammar and changed it from first person to the normal third person that most stories are written in, it could be pretty good. Also, be more realistic. There would be a riot if the government had 50% taxes. In general, a decent story for someone who's only 13.
edit: Also, it's warehouse, not wear house.

Last edited by vvav; 04-13-2007 at 04:22 PM..
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Old 04-13-2007, 05:36 PM   #5
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In general, a decent story for someone who's only 13.
Pretty funny that he says "for someone who's only 13" when he is.

Although i do agree, there were some grammar mistakes, but i really don't mind 1st person.
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Old 04-13-2007, 05:52 PM   #6
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Default Re: Into the Cave

that is sum sexy shiit lol
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Old 04-13-2007, 10:11 PM   #7
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Default Re: Into the Cave

I would write a story when I was in the Hurricane Rita evacuation and how I was minutes from passing out of heat exhaustion, but it would take up a lot of space on here.. Damn that was a scary time.
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Old 04-13-2007, 10:36 PM   #8
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I would write a story when I was in the Hurricane Rita evacuation and how I was minutes from passing out of heat exhaustion, but it would take up a lot of space on here.. Damn that was a scary time.
Oh ok, this is about my story...
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Old 04-14-2007, 12:04 AM   #9
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Default Re: Into the Cave

Where'd the peanut butter come from?

Also, why did they rub peanut butter all over each other's stomachs?

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Old 04-21-2007, 09:14 PM   #10
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Default Re: Into the Cave

yeah isnt that a movie lol shure ill go in the cave lol
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Old 09-11-2007, 07:17 AM   #11
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Default Re: Into the Cave

Why did you stop there! I want to hear more!
It is a bit differant and that is what gives the story it's edge. There are just a few mistakes which other people have already pointed out, so i will not waste your time by going over them again. However for 13 years old, that is a great standard. Keep it going, and i can't wait for the rest to come.

Last edited by championanwar; 09-11-2007 at 07:23 AM.. Reason: I missed out a bit when i replied the first time
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Old 09-11-2007, 07:37 AM   #12
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Default Re: Into the Cave

Umm...a 5 month bump. **** dude.
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Old 09-11-2007, 07:44 AM   #13
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Default Re: Into the Cave

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Umm...a 5 month bump. **** dude.
The above poster did it for an obvious reason:

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I want to hear more!
Although I don't think the person who wrote the OP cares about this thread anymore lol.

At least he got his wish and recieved replies.

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It is a bit differant and that is what gives the story it's edge. There are just a few mistakes which other people have already pointed out, so i will not waste your time by going over them again. However for 13 years old, that is a great standard. Keep it going, and i can't wait for the rest to come.

tl;dr for now, I'll read it later.
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i finally got a weed hookup again and i texted the dude asking where to meet him tomorrow and the dude just said "out west"

dude
out west?
the fuck kinda location is west?
am i buying weed off a gotdamn pirate


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