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Magnafiend
10-17-2006, 04:40 PM
I have recently finished a new short story (I am using the term "short" VERY loosely, considerig its a 14 page long story) called Power High. I need some feedback on what could make it better or if it's fine as is. Feel free to give feedback on the Zwei Chronicles as well, just specify what you're giving feedback to. Thanks guys!
http://mldb88.googlepages.com/fictions

Tokzic
10-17-2006, 04:49 PM
Just started it.

Worst opening ever. And by worst, I mean exactly like every amateur opening that starts out with "Meet <name>. He is <ways in which he is normal>. Sounds pretty normal, right? WRONG LOL. Maybe if he didn't <way in which he is special>."

Seriously, openings determine whether or not the reader is going to keep going or not. No one's going to read your story if you start out the exact same way as every other Grade 9 English student being forced to write a story. If I wasn't waiting on WoW I wouldn't even continue, but consider yourself lucky because I'm going to press on.

EDIT1:

Kitsu looked around at the rest of his classmates. There was Koori, the girl whom Miwaku had been hitting on earlier. She had light blue hair and a very cold look in her eyes. Her skin was pale, with almost a hint of blue as well, and it almost seems like she had been out in the cold for to long.
Next there was Misuto. She had long, wavy blonde hair. She had a beautiful face, and bright blue eyes. She had a very aloof look to her, as if she were about to become one with the air at any moment.
Kichou reminded Kitsu of himself in a sense. He was a short scrawny kid who wore unbelievably thick glasses, pocket protectors, the works, but Kitsu could tell there was more to him than the eye could see. He too had the mind of a technological genius.

Kitsu almost didn't even notice Anei, even though she was standing right beside him. She had long black hair. She wore thin square frame glasses, a black blouse with a matching black skirt. Kitsu was surprised he didn't notice her earlier.



are you kidding


I haven't even read past this, and you've already made it astoundingly obvious what their powers are: making ice turning to air another genius (this one's okay, you're just stating it rather than alluding to it) invisibility/shadowmelding.

What you should be doing is either a) saying their powers right off the bat, or b) giving descriptions that make them seem like normal people and then they use their powers and the reader goes "OHH. NOW the introduction makes sense."

EDIT2: This passage made me groan.

"That's the first time she has danced in years. She's always sat off to the side every time something like this comes up, and no one could ever convince her to get up and dance. There must be something special about you. I mean, look at her. She's still blushing, and its been how long since she was out dancing with you? You're really something kid."



"Just knowing she had fun today makes me feel like I've accomplished something."
"I think she had more than just fun. I wouldn't be surprised if she falls head over heels for you after that. I think you're the only person who really cared so much about her, I mean, I'm her friend and all, and so are a lot of others, but the only person really willing to dance with her for the past few years is Miwaku, and no, I wasn't going to let him try anything with her."




It was a dance. It's not like he saved her from a demon.

Also, even if he did save her from a demon, I'm sure she would not be completely infatuated with him within a day of their meeting.



EDIT3: Don't feel like you're obligated to write how the characters spend every waking moment. I'm getting tired of reading paragraphs about how whoever is drawing and Ms. Shadows is playing with shadows and everyone else is twiddling their thumbs. It's a story, not a recording.

Magnafiend
10-17-2006, 05:08 PM
thanks for the feedback, ill take it into consideration. I guess i tried a little too hard to allude to powers in the descriptions, ill lighten it up a bit. By the way, even without the descriptions, the powers are very obvious, just takes a little research.....
Edit 1: Edited the intro and descriptions making them less obvious and touched up the intro a bit to make it less cliche.
Edit2: Fixed first dance scene a bit. also edited convo between Anei and Kitsu, took out parts about her admitting she was watching him sleep. also took out the whole repayment thing, made it a bit less open for interpretation and a lot more innocent, basically asks if she can treat him to lunch or sumthing to repay him.
Edit3: Probably going to end up re-writing the ending. It just seems way too rushed. I guess it was because I wanted to get it done, idk. Just doesn't work.

Tokzic
10-17-2006, 08:16 PM
Well I wouldn't have completely tried to overwrite my second point, especially since you based the plot around it. Now it just seems to come from nowhere.

I'd stick with the old version, but just make it a little more natural.

Magnafiend
10-17-2006, 10:29 PM
sure thing. honestly, i think the other 3 stories are much better, but i rly needed feedback on this one badly. Thanks for all the help.
Edit1: If some one would be kind enough to give me some feedback on my other stories that would be much appreciated. If you find there are unanswered questions in the 3rd part of the zwei chronicles, thats y im making a 4th.