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#41 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Fairfax, VA
Age: 31
Posts: 1,394
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Actually, I'm kind of not feeling this anymore. Sorry. This thread reminded me of my un-finished Novel. So I will be dedicating most of my free time to that. Sorry guys.
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#42 |
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FFR Player
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I'm going to take some administrative power here and just suggest that we start off with the second position writer and go from there. We can just ignore skika's name entirely if he's going to ditch on the game.
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#43 |
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FFR Simfile Author
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Sounds like a good plan, that makes.... oh, me. :P
I'll have something up by tonight, don't you guys worry.
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#44 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 23
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Well, I saw that coming. Apperantly my post was blown over or you don't think i'm mature enough to handle it?
I ASKED TO JOIN TO!! before Mal or Skika |
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#45 |
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FFR Player
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It's as simple as this, Fighter. We don't respect you yet. If you'd stop whining, posting uselessly and causing general dislike among the regulars then perhaps we would have considered you.
In fact, if I were running this I wouldn't let you in simply because you made a fuss. Q |
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#46 |
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FFR Simfile Author
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Okay guys, I'm almost done, and i gotta admit, I've started with a decently long entry. I really wanted to see where you guys were going to take my idea, so I had to set a decent foundation. It's going to pretty much be a full chapter of a story, along with the start of a second. I'll have it up before the end of the night, guaranteed.
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#47 |
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FFR Simfile Author
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Oh yes boys, I'm done! I gotta admit, this is quite a interesting foundation, and I have saved a copy of it in case I feel I wish to finish with it myself. On the whole, it's fairly large I'd say. But once you read it, I think the ideas will be flowing. I know there might be some confusion at first, but we all know that this would be expected.
For the next writer, don't be nervous to throw in your own mix of ideas. Just because I know how I want the rest of the story to go, doesn't mean you have to help it get there. Do whatever you feel should happen next. Also, could the editor's kindly watch the grammar and spelling while reading. I've looked over it twice already, and have corrected quite a bit. Anyways guys, enjoy the hopeful starting of something really fun. ![]() P.S: It's probably easier to just copy and paste it into notepad or something, it'll definately look nicer, that's for sure. ![]() -------------------- 1 -------------------- June 16th, 1968 The Sun rose up over the horizon and greeted the dew soaked fields of the Okanogan Valley with such an angle that the ground itself seemed to be a shimmering rainbow. The night sky quickly fading into the west was full of birds eager to get their morning fill. Their songs, carried by a gentle breeze, sounded throughout the town of Whistlepeak as though a choir of singing angels had just landed on the roof of City hall. Inside a large brick house, halfway down Birchwood Drive, a young man lie sleeping as though he didn't have a care in the world. The only window in the room being slightly ajar, a crisp breeze of morning air ruffled the Shaggy brown hair of the sleeping teenager. A moment later, he seemed to have begun to stir when the clock struck quarter after seven, and the alarm sounded. Almost as though a bunch of hands underneath the boy had suddenly flung him upward, he was out of bed and slamming his hand down on the snooze button, silencing the buzzer that at that moment he was sure had awoken half the town. Gazing around his room, Jason Strout looked as if he was attempting to solve a particularly difficult math question in his head. As he approached his bed aiming to sit down for a minute as he did every morning, he suddenly spoke out. "It's the sixteenth! We leave today!" Making a noise that sounded like a steam engine pulling away from the station, he flew down the stairs and into the kitchen where he found his mother, cooking breakfast as she always did. As his mother brought Jason a plate full of what looked like overcooked eggs, He beamed up at her. Just as his mouth opened to speak, a gruff voice sounded from behind a floating newspaper across the table that Jason hadn't noticed was there until now. "We're quite aware of what day it is son," said the voice, as the newspaper fell onto the table revealing a middle aged man with a belly so large, it seemed that half of it was sitting on the table in front of him. The top of his head was bald, and it looked as if at the right angle, you'd be able to see yourself in it. "Your father's right Jason, we are aware that you leave for Elk Mountain today." Jason's mother looked at him with a sense of compassion. "Hurry up and eat your breakfast now, or you'll be late for the train." A very kind looking lady, with which Jason got his full head of hair and emerald green eyes, she was the only reason he'd been allowed to go on this trip. He hadn't kept up his grades this semester, as his father had threatened him about. Upon hearing of his two C's, both in Second languages and Art, his father had almost torn up his permission slip for the event. His mother had calmly explained to her husband that the only reason Jason had dropped a grade in these two classes was because of his excessive studying of Math and Biology, which this semester had gone from D's to A's. Looking defeated, yet very disgruntled, Jason's father had agreed to let him go on the trip. Slurping up the last of his Eggs, Jason wheeled back upstairs to get ready. ******************** As the deafening sound of the engine's whistle sounded throughout platform 6, Jason waved out the window at his quickly vanishing parents. He was finally on the way to a perfect weekend away from school and his overly strict father. A weekend which hopefully, would net him a chance to win the heart of the girl of his dreams, Ellie Prescott. The moment he brought his head back in the window, a large hand smacked the back of it, threatening to knock off his thick rug of hair. Turning to see what had just almost decapitated him, Jason saw his best friend Eddie Erwinn. "Ready to get down and dirty with the snow bunnies of Elk mountain Jay?" asked the enormous boy. Eddie Erwinn's father had been an olympic champion a decade before, winning the silver medal in men's heavyweight wrestling. Eddie had obviously taken his father's genes when it came to physical appearance. Standing well over six feet, and weighing what Jason thought, had to be half a tonne, Eddie was about as graceful as a breakdancer in a ballet. His Large brown eyes were now glued on Jason, as though he had just insulted his grandmother. "Well, what do you say?" Apparently he had been asking Jason something, but being lost in fantasies about Ellie Prescott, Jason had heard nothing in the past few minutes. "What? Oh, yeah." Jason replied, having no idea what he had just agreed to. "Great, we're meeting them at nine thirty, don't forget," Eddie replied, as he began to make his way towards the front of the car. Jason surveyed the rest of the car. Scattered about the 12 booths that occupied the area were at least 30 students from his grade. Most were either chatting amongst themselves or playing card games, somewhat violent ones Jason thought, by the look of things. He had seen Willy Adderson get hit at least four times in the past five minutes. After a thorough scan showed no signs of Ellie Prescott, Jason decided it was time to move to a new car. Twenty minutes, and two cars later, Jason was beginning to lose hope. Maybe Ellie's parents hadn't let her go, maybe her permission slip got ripped up like his almost had. The weather outside looked as down as Jason did. The picture perfect sunny day he had woken up to was giving way to menancing storm clouds on the horizon. Flashes of lightning were already visible as Jason made his way to the meal car. Upon entering, Jason was amazed to see how different this car was than the others. The usual 12 or so booths that occupied the other cars he had seen were completely gone, replaced by two very long buffet tables bolted to the floor to prevent spillage. The middle of the room consisted of at least 20 smaller tables at which many students and teacher were eating. That's when Jason saw her, sitting with her friend Mary Lou Lennings at the table furthest from him. She was playing with her salad and giggling at something Mary Lou had just said. Her Auburn hair was tied back in a ponytail which was swinging ever so slightly, as if it was a pendulum, denoting the seconds of a clock. Her sparkling blue eyes met Jason's as she gazed up at him from her table. Casting his gaze elsewhere quickly, he stumbled into something behind him and heard a crash. "What gives?" sqeaked a short boy, who Jason found to be the source of the commotion. He had dropped his plate and was now frantically trying to scoop up its contents, which had spilled onto his shoes. "Aw man, sorry Stumps, I didn't see ya there," exclaimed Jason, bending over to help the boy clean up. Stumps was the nickname of Jason's only other good friend, Larry Marster. The name was given to him by the football team after he had failed to grow more than three inches since his freshman year. His scruffy orange hair and bright red glasses didn't help him out too well either. He had been picked on for most of his high school career, and had only come on this trip after both Eddie and Jason had threatened to burn his acceptance letter to Harvard. "Yeah well, how about you just take a picture? It lasts longer..." muttered Stumps, wiping the last bits of food from his shoes. "Huh? oh, her," said Jason, looking back over his shoulder at Ellie, who was now looking his way and smiling. "It's no big deal, I'll get over her." Stumps stood up and smacked Jason on the side of the head. "Get over her? Gimme a break. You've only been obsessing over her for the past three years, I don't think a simple I'll get over her is going to do it. You need to take action man, seize the moment, you know?" Looking out the window, and feeling like the drops of rain now running down it, Jason replied, "Yeah, I know..." ******************** A large burst of thunder woke Jason with a start. He glanced down at his watch. It read half past two. According to the itinerary handed out by the staff members when they boarded the train that morning,there were still six more hours to go before they'd reach Elk mountain. Standing to stretch for a moment, he decided he'd make use of the quiet time to make a bathroom trip. It was pitch black outside, and inside the car, it wasn't much brighter. The small lights lining the walls of the car gave off so little light,it was as if tiny animals hidden somewhere in the walls of the train, were running on wheels to keep them going. If it wasn't for the frequent bolts of lightning illuminating the entire car, Jason thought he'd have never found his way to the restroom. On his way back to his booth, he noticed that it had become occupied. A man who looked to be about thirty was sitting in his seat, apparently waiting for something. When Jason approched, The man stood up and held out his hand. He was about the same height as Jason, but much older looking. If Jason had thought this man thirty at first glance, he would definately have to add at least fifteen years to that guess now. He could see patches of grey mixed in with the man's brown head of hair, that seemed to be balding in the exact same way his father's was. If Jason hadn't known better, he'd say this man closely resembled his father, except for the fact that this man would only weigh half of what his father did. When Jason finally took the man's hand, he spoke. "Good evening Jason, I've been looking for you all day. Please sit down, we have something very important to discuss." The next hour of the train ride consisted of the older man informing Jason of what sounded like an idea for some weird kind of machine. Being too busy thinking about how he'd win over Ellie, Jason heard little of what the man was saying. On more than a few occassions, the man stopped and asked Jason if had understood him. Jason merely replied with a nod or a grunt indicated that he had heard. The train turned towards the north, and Jason caught a glimpse of a sign that read "Terrance Ridge: The happiest place in the west!" It seemed like an eternity had passed, yet the man who had told Jason his name was Mr. Murdock, kept speaking. It was the mention of Ellie's name was what brought Jason back from the fantasy world where he and Ellie were dancing while a string quartet played and all sorts of elegant people were watching them, to the darkened train car, creaking in the wake of the storm outside. "You must understand "Mr.Strout," Murdock had been calling Jason that for the past hour now, even after Jason had complained about it for the first ten minutes, "that more than just Ms. Prescott's life is at stake here. We need to-" "Ellie's life is at stake?" Jason said, loudly enough that the few people who weren't sleeping, looked over at him. Noticing this reaction, Murdock leaned in close to Jason before replying. "Haven't you heard anything that I've told you Mr. Strout? If we don't get off this train before it reaches Terrance Ridge, there isn't going to be an Ellie Prescott, there won't even be a train left!" And with this, Murdock stood up. Reaching across the booth and grabbing Jason by the arm, he whispered once more. " You've failed yourself Jason!I cannot help you anymore. The facility was raided, all of the advisors were killed. They have control of the machine, if you don't do something now, it'll have all been in shame!" Looking horrifed, Jason yanked the man's arm off of him and jumped out of the booth. "Who the hell are you? How do you know my name?" Yelled Jason as Murdock leapt up out of the seat, and looked as if he was going to speak when suddenly he jerked rather oddly, and clutched at his chest. Moving towards the door of the train, he finally spoke. "Mr. Strout, they've found me! You must help yourself now, before it's too late!" He opened the door of the train, The roar of wind and rain that entered nearly knocked Jason to the floor. Murdock moved towards the door. "Before it's too late!" He yelled over the sound of the wind and thunder. Everyone in the car was now awake and looking absolutely petrified. Jason moved towards Murdock. "What-What're you doing?" Jason stammered. Murdock didn't hear it though, he had already jumped from the train. Jason looked around the car. Some of the people in the car were crying, most of them had their eyes glued on Jason, as if they had seen him throw Murdock from the train. Before Jason could even speak, a deafening crack of thunder roared from the open train door. It seemed to bring Jason back to his senses. This man couldn't be sane. He had talked about Jason as if he had known him. How could that be? And how did he know about Ellie? Ellie. Jason slammed the open door, silencing the storm outside, and bolted for next car. When he arrived at the meal car, he remembered that he had no idea where Ellie was actually staying. Looking around, he grabbed the nearest person to him, who happened to be Stumps. It seemed he was sneaking a midnight snack. Tossing the plate out of his hand, and grabbing him by the scruff of the neck, Jason spoke, "Stumps, where is Ellie sleeping?" Judging by Stumps' reaction, Jason may as well have been a monster from the netherworlds. Covering his faces with his hands, Stumps squealed, "Please, don't hurt me! I'll give you whatever you want!" Jason shook Stumps until his hands dropped. "Stumps, it's me, Jason! Tell me where Ellie is!" Stumps uncovered his face, but hardly looked relaxed. "She's in the next car man, what the hell's wrong with you?" Jason let him go and, running for the door, knocked over a table that hadn't been cleaned up after dinner. It's contents crashed to the floor as the door slammed behind him. In the next car, the light was so dim that Jason had to squint horribly just to see who was in the booth in front of him. "Ellie?" he whispered into the booth. Nothing. Continuing this same pattern for four more booths, he finally got a response. "She's across the aisle, up two booths." The voice said, soundly half awake. Jason flew ahead to the booth and looked in. There was Ellie, safe and sound, sleeping peacefully. "Thank God," sighed Jason as he contemplated the last few minutes of his life. His heavy breathing was interrupted when a soft sounding voice called out. "Jason? Jason Strout? is that you?" It was Ellie's voice. She had heard him and had woken up. Jason was suddenly very aware at how awkward this looked. Staring down at a girl sleeping in a booth, breathing heavily in the dark... It wasn't looking good. "I- er- I was just checking to see if you were okay," Jason managed to say before almost gagging with nervousness. Ellie didn't look very convinced. "Okay? it's three o'clock in the morning. I'm fine. You should go back to bed before Mrs. Langley finds you here-" Before Ellie could finish, there was a loud noise that sounded like a car accident. The car suddenly veered left, sending Jason sailing into the booth across the aisle. Sudddenly screams filled the air as the car in front of them disseapeared, leaving an empty hole, which was soon filled by wind, rain, and a light that Jason realized was fire. Before He could run across the aisle for Ellie, the train car turned sharply again, and flipped.Grabbing a hold of the bolted down table in front of him, Jason watched as people were flung out of the car like cannonballs into the night. Holding on for dear life, Jason kept his eyes closed as the car screeched along the ground for what seemed like hours. It very well could have been only a few seconds, but that didn't stop Jason from clinging to the table for a good ten minutes afterwards. When there was nothing left but the sound of the the howling wind, and the odd rumble of thunder, Jason opened his eyes. What he saw next could only be described as hell. The train had derailed. All of the cars had tipped over, at least once, and were on fire. The car that had been in front of theirs looked as if it had be grabbed by a gigantic hand, and squeezed over and over. Jason caught a glimpse of a few people rummaging around in the flames, looked disoriented. A few were calling out names of people, most likely friends, that had been lost in the chaos. Suddenly Jason remembered why he was in this car. Letting go of the table, he fell to the floor, which was now the wall of the train car. Getting up, he looked around. There didn't seem to be anyone left in his car but himself. "Ellie!" He screamed, hoping to hear something. His scream was greeted with the sound of a crackling fire, nothing more. He began to move through the car, sifting through the debris that now lie scattered all over. "Ellie!" he shouted again, once again resulting in nothing in particular. The sound of distant sirens suddenly became apparent. Looking up, Jason could see flashing lights in the distance. Walking towards the lights, he heard a muffled moan. "J-Jays. Str-out." The sound had come from the large pile of debris to Jason's right. Running over to the pile, he began frantically throwing stuff aside, until he finally found her. Her head was bleeding badly, and her left arm was clearly broken. Jason's heart lifted for a moment. "She's going to be alright," he thought, until he noticed the large piece of piping protruding from her abdomen. "J-ason, iz zat you?" Ellie whispered, sounding very grave. Just as Jason was about to respond, a light shone in from the front of the car. "We've got survivors over here!" Yelled the unidentified voice. "Hang in there kid, you'll be okay in a second." "J-Jaso... Help.. help m-me..." Sighed Ellie. Jason looked down just in time to see her stop breathing. He looked up just as two medical attendants were running over. "Are you alright son?" asked a tall man wearing a blue uniform with a clearly marked red cross on it. "Yes, i'm fine, but she's..." Jason began, unable to continue the sentence. The man moved down to Ellie and yelled for his partner. "Cleeves, we've got one here not breathing!" Running over to aid his partner, the two began CPR on Ellie. After a minute, they stopped trying. Turning up to look at Jason, the man named Cleeves shook his head with a genuine look of sympathy. "Sorry son, she's gone." -------------------- 2 -------------------- July 12th, 2003 Jason Strout awoke with a start. It had been the same dream as always. The incident at Terrance Ridge. He had always been stressful around it's anniversary, but this year was particulary worse than any other year, and he was sure it was because very soon he'd have the opportunity to stop it from ever occuring. Looking over at the clock, he saw that it was ten past three. Getting up to get a glass of water, he heard a voice behind him. "Bad dreams again Jason?" said the groggy voice. It belonged to his wife Celia. "Yeah, I just need a glass of water, I'll be fine," replied Jason, grabbing his housecoat from the back of the door and heading out of the room. OKAY! So there you have it guys! Good Luck Q, You're next! ![]()
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#48 |
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FFR Player
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Ok, I'm going to have to admit fault here. I don't like this artist collaberation, thing. I honestly can't even bring myself to read past the first few paragraphs of the train scene because I find the writing and characters from the previous writer to be absolutely horrible.
As much as it hurts to say this, I think I'll stick to flying solo. I can't write like someone I can't read and I can't work with characters I don't like. We're just far to differenct to participate in this together. Q |
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#49 |
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FFR Player
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As of now, I'm almost halfway done proofreading the 1st part.
Some general tips to anyone: Never use 'very' When using similes or metaphors, don’t use words like ‘about. Try to keep them concise(notice how I deleted a word or two in some or your similes/metaphors). Keep the story in the present tense. Short stories should concise. Only write what is important to the story. Don't go overboard with descriptive imagery or backstory. NOTE to whoever's next: Since xObserveRx's story is in past tense, it probably should be kept that way. EDIT-I'm done now. I PMed it to ObserveR. I underlined anything that I changed. Feel free to disregard my corrections, I don't care. |
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#50 |
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Hookers and Blow
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Ummmmm, I just didn't feel the story. I mean it sounded like a good idea at first but then it digreesed into a jumble of mashed actions, emotions, and environments. I almost couldn't tell where I was in the story. My suggestion is that we scrap the first two themes, pick two more, rescramble the order of the remaining writers and start over. if not, I'll just try my best to do the themes so far.
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#51 |
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FFR Simfile Author
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To be honest, I haven't incorporated any of the themes as of yet, the story is far from done. I really don't see how you guys are lost here. It seems to be a pretty straight forward chapter. If you guys don't wanna continue it however, that's fine by me.
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#52 |
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FFR Player
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The hat hates me - I have to conclude the damn thing. My least favourite part of any of my writings. -.-
I suppose I'll have to find a way. EDIT: It would appear you pasted that from Notepad there, Observe. May I suggest Word Wrap next time? ^^;;
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Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what |
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#53 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,069
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That whole thing up there is pretty hard to read.
The sentences don't really move into eachother and most of them could be shortened for the better. Ohhhh I wish the character were a girl. lol. But yeah... for me it reads like that wheelchair boy from Malcom in the Middle. 70% of the sentences are broken by commas and it's really irritating. Just trying to help... I have a very different style so... bear with me. Original: ------------------------------------------ The Sun rose up over the horizon and greeted the dew soaked fields of the Okanogan Valley with such an angle that the ground itself seemed to be a shimmering rainbow. The night sky quickly fading into the west was full of birds eager to get their morning fill. Their songs, carried by a gentle breeze, sounded throughout the town of Whistlepeak as though a choir of singing angels had just landed on the roof of City hall. Inside a large brick house, halfway down Birchwood Drive, a young man lie sleeping as though he didn't have a care in the world. The only window in the room being slightly ajar, a crisp breeze of morning air ruffled the Shaggy brown hair of the sleeping teenager. A moment later, he seemed to have begun to stir when the clock struck quarter after seven, and the alarm sounded. My revision: ------------------------------------------ Blanketing all fields of the Okanogan Valley, the crystal dew lit up as the sun came over the horizon. The ground shimmered towards the east like diamonds and the night sky was quickly fading into the west as a flock of birds soared in to taste the sun. Their myriad of sound echoed throughout the town of Whistlepeak like a choir of singing angels. Halfway down Birchwood Drive, a young man lie sleeping in his large brick house as though he didn't have a care in the world. The sleeping teenager had only one window in his room and he had left it open. He had shaggy brown hair left untamed and it ruffled as a crisp morning breeze filled the room. He began to stir as his clock struck a quarter after seven... and the deafening wail of his alarm sounded.
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#54 |
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FFR Player
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Alright, so this thread has been inactive for a week. Where are we going from here, guys?
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Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what |
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#55 |
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FFR Simfile Author
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Well, last I heard, most people dropped out from it. Chrome and I are going to continue with it though, and anyone else who's willing can too. Just post if you want to or not.
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#56 |
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FFR Player
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This is an awesome read.
Keep going!
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![]() בקצה השמיים, ובסוף המדבר, יש מקום רחוק מלא פרחי בר מקום קטן, עלוב ומשוגע, מקום רחוק מקום לדאגה יש אומרים שם שמשיקרה וחושבים אל כל מה שקרה אלוהים שם יושב ורואה ושומר אל כל משברא אסור לקטוף את פרחי הגן אסור לקטוף את פרחי הגן ודואג ודואג נורא |
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#57 |
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FFR Player
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I'll help you, if you would like. I'll rewrite it, let you check it out. Completely up to you though. My email is evil_gummy_bear@hotmail.com, or you can reach me on AIM at SxKxOxOxTx925. It appears that you're trying to hard, you seem to be over exaggerating the adjective/descriptive area. Well, good luck.
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.so what. -Skooter- .drama makes life boring. |
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#58 |
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FFR Player
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Well, I'm staying in for sure. Even if I get stuck at the end. XD
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Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what |
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#59 |
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FFR Player
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I like the concept,.
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#60 |
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FFR Simfile Author
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Okay. Well whoever adds to the story next is the person who's next in line. Skooter, you are right, I did try too hard. I'll stick more to the plot, and stop over exxagerating the descriptions.
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