Old 06-11-2004, 09:21 AM   #1
sniper_wolf
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Default This is my story

Well I was lookin through the threads and I came upon xObserveRx's story. It was pretty good and I thought I would share one that i've been working on. Not to try and compete with him or anything, just to see what yall think. i just started like a week ago so any input would be great. Thanks for reading.

Prologue


It was still dark outside when Rio’s mother, Xiau, gently aroused him from a peaceful slumber. He wearily wiped his eyes of sleep and began to protest until a look from his mother told him otherwise. There was a fear in those eyes the likes of which Rio had never seen before. Suddenly he was no longer tired, but on full alert. Rio could sense that there was danger nearby and he would make sure to be prepared for the worst. One motion from his mother and he was off, following close behind her. They crept through the unlit interior of their home as quietly as possible until the two of them reached the master bedroom where Rio’s father waited. Oniwa unsheathed his sword letting its metallic ring break the silence and echo throughout the room. Rio looked up with terror-stricken eyes at the armor-clad warrior standing before him. His father was going into battle.
“Father…” Rio started, but he was silenced by a loud knocking on the door.
“Oniwa!” the voice traveled through the door and into the ears of all three in the room. “Oniwa! You will open this door now or we shall break it down!” Ignoring the voice on the other end Oniwa looked back down on his family and began to speak, “You must listen and listen well for we have very little time. Rio, you remember the secret exit I showed you just in case we ever needed to escape in a hurry?” Rio recalled very well the secret compartment, which led to a maze of underground tunnels. His father had presented the knowledge of the emergency exit in case there was ever need to escape the house and the front entrance could not be used. Rio had always thought it silly, that an emergency like that would never arise, but now he was relieved to know of its existence. He slowly nodded his head to indicate that he still remembered.
“I want you to take your mother and leave this place. Get as far away from here as you possibly can…”
“Those men out there, they are the emperor’s men are they not…” Xiau interrupted. Her eyes betrayed nothing of her current emotion. The look of fear sent shivers down Rio’s spine.
“Yes…they are cutthroats, savages. These men are not to be taken lightly; they have killed before and will kill again. If they were to get their hands on any of you…lets just say I would not like to see that happen.”
“Then why must you fight? You can escape with us…”
“No, you do not understand these men. They are loyal to the emperor and will stop at nothing to meet his demands. If I were to escape they would track me down to the ends of the earth. I would be putting you and the lives of countless others in further danger. I cannot allow that to happen, I will face my destiny…”
“Oniwa, I will not leave you…please, let me stay by your side. At least until the end…” Xiau pleaded.
“Xiau my love, I know how you feel, but you must try and understand. Who will look after Rio? He is strong, but still too young to be left on his own. You must look after him because he has no one else.”
Tears ran down Xiau’s cheeks as she began to comprehend the hopelessness of her plea. She embraced her husband and kissed him passionately…for the last time. “Oniwa Yukosaka…I love you,” she said in barely a whisper.
“And I you” he replied trying his best to put on a smile despite the grimness of the situation. Rio’s head was spinning. This was all happening too fast. What exactly was going on here? What were his parents talking about? It seemed as if they were saying their last good-byes.
“Rio, my son…I have raised you with a firm hand. Discipline and punishment is all you have ever received from me, but understand it was only to make you strong enough to endure a day such as today and the future as well. I know you will grow to become a fine young man and make your father proud. Never once have I told you this before, not even on the day of your birth, but I love…” Oniwa was never able to finish the words because all of a sudden the front door collapsed and four soldiers draped in black armor proceeded to move in.
“Go, now!” Oniwa shouted as he rushed out to meet the soldiers in combat. Rio took his mother by the hand and led her quickly away from the ensuing battle and into the kitchen where the secret compartment lay. When Rio arrived he stopped dead in his tracks. Somehow one of the intruder’s had gotten there first and were waiting for them.
“Ah, so the rumors are true…the wife of Oniwa is as pretty as everyone says. Do not be afraid, we will have some fun before the nights through!” he roared.
“Rio, run!” Xiau screamed as she grabbed a nearby chair from the kitchen table and hurled it at the soldier. The chair sent him staggering backwards and momentarily stunned just long enough for Rio to open the hatch to the secret compartment and escape into the tunnels. Meanwhile Oniwa was engaged in a battle to the death. The first soldier charged towards him, sword in hand, ready to deal the finishing blow. Oniwa easily sidestepped the attack and cut the man at the waist letting his blood pour out onto the decorated rug beneath. Oniwa was mad with hate. The second man struck and Oniwa parried. Then he let his blade explode through the soldier’s head sending bits of bone and flesh splattering onto the walls on each side of the hall. Consumed by fury, Oniwa allowed it to take over in order to do the things he needed to do. The third man caught Oniwa off guard and he dodged a fragment of a second to late. The soldier’s blade bit into his arm and opened up a wound, which began to bleed profusely. Ignoring the numbing pain in his arm Oniwa fought on. The soldier parried and countered. Oniwa dodged and struck back. The dance of death, a struggle that only one man could win. Oniwa’s razor sharp blade finally found the soldier’s heart and stilled its beating. Tired and weary from loss of blood Oniwa nearly collapsed on the floor, but he caught himself just in time. In his mind there was still hope to escape with his family.
“Oniwa!” the last of the emperor’s men entered the hall dragging Xiau forward by the hair. “Oniwa, what have you done? Not only are you a traitor to your country and your people but you are a murderer as well!”
“Your voice, it sounds familiar…could it be you Xantu? My old childhood friend?” Oniwa asked. Xantu removed his helmet and let his dark black hair fall down to his shoulders. His hardened face marred with the scars of battle revealed an expression of resentment and displeasure at the sight of an old friend.
“It is I, but no longer a friend to a traitor such as you.”
“You are wrong…I only sought to help our people. To aid our country and rid it from the evildoings of our emperor. Xantu…has the emperor blinded you so? Can you not see the fault in your actions? He would have you break into a home, take that man’s wife hostage and attempt to kill him in the end. This is not the Xantu I know…”
“Fool! I see no fault in ridding my country of those that would see its demise. Draw your sword so we can finish this, once and for all.”
Oniwa steadied himself and prepared to fight once more. “When we were children… I was always the one who bested you in combat. Why are you so eager to die?”
Xantu let out a cold sinister laugh that echoed throughout the interior of the house. “It is not I who will die this day Oniwa…” At that moment an arrow zipped through the hall and pierced Oniwa’s back. He let out a cry of pain as his knees buckled from beneath him. Oniwa’s steel fell from his hands and hit the floor filling the halls with its metallic ring once more. Another one of the emperor’s soldiers had been waiting in hiding.
“Oniwa, no!” Xiau screamed at the sight of her fallen husband.
Xantu slowly walked towards Oniwa and picked his head up by the hair. “Take a good look at her Oniwa, because this is the last time you will ever see her again.”
“Xiau…I am sorry…” was all he could mutter. Xantu raised his sword and prepared to deal the final blow.
“Oniwa!” Xiau cried out to him once more. “The Yukosaka name lives on!” All of a sudden Xantu’s blade whistled through the air and sliced through Oniwa’s neck. The decapitated head landed with a sickening thud and rolled across the floor, stopping at Xiau’s feet. Her bloodcurdling screams echoed across the countryside.
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Old 06-11-2004, 10:12 AM   #2
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good story so far
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Old 06-11-2004, 11:48 AM   #3
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Pretty good, try to cut out some of the redundancy and find different ways to say things. You also have sentences of awkward length.

Build some solid characters too.
Also don't go collecting such outlandish words when a simple one would work in its place much smoother.

example:
It was still dark outside when Rio’s mother, Xiau, gently aroused him from a peaceful slumber.
The sun had not yet risen when Rio's mother woke him from a silent sleep.

And If Rio is the protagonist, it isn't right to give his mother a name.
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Old 06-11-2004, 02:12 PM   #4
sniper_wolf
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Thanks for the input and ill be sure to consider it when writing
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Old 06-12-2004, 03:36 PM   #5
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hmm personally i like it but not the characters names...but i do know a guy named Rio i play football with him hes freakin HUGE!!
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