My application essay...input please

[bunbun61]

I have an essay to write for colleg application, and I'm not comfortable showing it to people in my conservative town.

This is the topic "Describe a significant setback, challenge or opportunity in your life and the impact that it has had on you."


It's not done, but I just need some idea about it. Is it offensive or too personal?


"I was baptized as a Catholic when I was 3 days old. I went through many Sunday services, and had a couple of “My First Bibles” filled with colorful pictures of the Garden of Eden and the variety of animals in Noah’s Ark. At this age I took in everything that was told to me, but like many kids it didn’t have any depth or great importance. Around the age of 13, I slowly realized that I wasn’t sure if I really believed what was being told to me. It seemed like there couldn’t possibly be a god, and I felt like there was no one listening when I prayed. I thought that this would go away, and eventually I would be able to feel a presence like everyone else could. I was angry and upset at myself for not feeling it or at God for not coming to me. When I became old enough to attend the junior high youth group, it became more blatant. Our youth minister would tell us how people who denied god would end up in hell and that God didn’t want this, and I just wanted to leave everytime I heard something like that because I knew inside I didn’t believe even though I desperately wanted to. I was scared to tell anyone of my doubts, especially my friends or family. I eventually and quietly just let it go, and hope that I will find something eventually for me. Accepting myself was one thing, the people around me was another thing. It made me feel like the odd one since the majority of people where I live are very religious. I was afraid of losing my friends so I tried to keep my beliefs to myself as much as possible. Some of my friends who figured it out on their own were very accepting, and only tried to help me when I asked for it. I didn’t want to be thought of differently and generally people never noticed the difference.
People may have never noticed because I haven’t changed most of my morals. I still feel like I should not lie or that I will earn more respect by being modest in dress. I can in a sense understand “both sides of the fence”. I understand that some Christians want morality in the government because they know that God’s word will better our country, and I understand that more secular people just want more freedoms because they also believe that they will better our country. I’m not just interested in people in our country, but also trying to understand people of other backgrounds or cultures. I find it fascinating why people fight wars with each other, or why they believe what they believe and do what they do. I like to observe people, to be able to understand them, or maybe to see if there is something new to try.
I don’t think my atheism has made a better person necessarily, I just see things from another side. I understand that people have strong feelings about their beliefs and might think of me at first as bad, but I’d like to show them that I have respect for their beliefs and I hope in return that I get the same respect. "


Thanks for your time

[GuidoHunter]

Yawn.

You want to stand out with college applications, not look like every teenager to ever live.

P.S. where are you applying?

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

[T0rajir0u]

boring as **** what admissions officer in hell would care enough to read this

[WillTalbot]

No College cares how religious you are, just that you have good grades in your acedmics.

[T0rajir0u]

Originally Posted by WillTalbot

just that you have good grades in your acedmics.

uh

you're retarded and obviously have no idea how the modern application process works at selective colleges

[bunbun61]

hmmm..well it says write about "hardships" and well, I can't think of many hardships....and I'm a bad writer in general lol

[SpookG]

It's thoughtfull and intraspective, which is a good thing, and the way you have wrote it shows you aren't really trying to BS them, and they like that.

A few points of advice however. I worked in the college office and actually helped a lot of friends and seniors write their college essays.

You use "I thought" and "I __ " a lot at the beginning of sentences, and it gets a repetive. Basically, the assumption it is your viewpoint since you are in fact writing it.

Here, let me use an example to better explain this:

I was scared to tell anyone of my doubts, especially my friends or family. I eventually and quietly just let it go, and hope that I will find something eventually for me.

Scared to tell anyone--especially my friends and family--of my doubts, I quietly just let it go and hoped that I would find the answers on my own.

The only other thing I have to say is try to make yourself as concise as possible. Being overly verbose and run on with structure turns you off and then people will just simple stop paying attention.

It's a draft, and I've gone through first drafts on speeches and essays that were absolutely horrid compared to the final product. So if you want to write this as your topic then I say go for it, but understand that a solid piece will take time, and keep working on it.

[-Izzy-]

Yea thats all i thought when i read it. Everything you mentioned is exactly what a college doesnt care about. This has nothing to do with academics in any way.

[talisman]

neither does the question.

the more selective the college, the more info and the more personalized the info they want about you.

@original poster: doubting your faith seems like a bit of a stretch for the question, but, hey, some people don't have many hardships and I guess it works.