Old 09-9-2008, 06:08 PM   #1
u84
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Default Read this ****ing poem!

I'd like to start off by stating that I was required to use the same metaphor in the opening line. So, if you read my first poem, that is the one line that is the same. The theme is also like it (also required), but I feel this is my best one so far. Let me know what you think.

Circuit Fingers

FFR is a circuit of the fingers.
There's a spark of excitement within every arrow.
In the air, the smell of anticipation lingers.
Jolts of suspense flow from head to toe.
You place your hands upon the board
And send shocks up even to the Lord
Who, to you, sends every bolt to follow.

FFR is a flickering light
And every Miss brings the dark.
Failure switches day into night,
The lack of light leaving its mark
Until your taps match the 'rows
And by your score it shows
That you're no dog without a bark.

FFR is an overloaded fuse.
Far too many arrows at once.
But mashing you have to refuse.
No, you've not been doing that for months.
Too bad it's all been for naught,
As you've missed quite a lot
And you're left 'lone in the dark like a dunce.

FFR is lights out at the rehab center.
You've missed not a meeting and think you're all better.
You walk out the door, 'specting to never re-enter.
But when you get home and see your new board, shining every letter,
You realize you thought your addiction's done,
But it has only just begun.
By night you're back to it, more addicted than ever.

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Originally Posted by ryanisadouche View Post
I woke up this morning wearing my new ffr shirt which confused me.

Then i remembered i found the package last night while drunk and put it on in excitement, then immediately passed out.


Last edited by: Tasselfoot; 7 minutes ago. Reason: I am your MILF.

Last edited by u84; 09-9-2008 at 07:38 PM..
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Old 09-9-2008, 06:19 PM   #2
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

Quote:
Originally Posted by u84 View Post
FFR is an overloaded fuse.
Far too man arrows at once.
But mashing you have to refuse.
No, you've not been doing that for months.
Too bad it's all been for naught,
As you've missed quite a lot
And you're left 'lone in the dark like a dunce.
Many*?

Also, this was amazing. Yes. It was. I thought it was simply incredible.
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Old 09-9-2008, 06:53 PM   #3
dore
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

Why don't you just keep one thread updated with all of your poems instead of making a new one every day?
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Old 09-9-2008, 07:42 PM   #4
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

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Originally Posted by dore View Post
Why don't you just keep one thread updated with all of your poems instead of making a new one every day?
I wasn't really expecting to stay on this same topic. And it might look like I'm trying to keep the thread alive, rather than show more of my work, so it just makes sense to make a new thread. Sorry if this bothers you.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ryanisadouche View Post
I woke up this morning wearing my new ffr shirt which confused me.

Then i remembered i found the package last night while drunk and put it on in excitement, then immediately passed out.


Last edited by: Tasselfoot; 7 minutes ago. Reason: I am your MILF.
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Old 09-9-2008, 08:39 PM   #5
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

there's nothing wrong with bumping a thread as long as you're adding to it
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Old 09-9-2008, 09:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

Regardless, it'd be cool to get some feedback from you and others..
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ryanisadouche View Post
I woke up this morning wearing my new ffr shirt which confused me.

Then i remembered i found the package last night while drunk and put it on in excitement, then immediately passed out.


Last edited by: Tasselfoot; 7 minutes ago. Reason: I am your MILF.
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Old 09-9-2008, 09:24 PM   #7
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

It's alright for an FFR poem I guess? subject matter is fine. I won't comment on your structure, though, since it's a quick write. I could tear it apart pretty good though lol
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Old 09-9-2008, 09:49 PM   #8
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dore View Post
It's alright for an FFR poem I guess? subject matter is fine. I won't comment on your structure, though, since it's a quick write. I could tear it apart pretty good though lol
Actually, if you don't mind, it'd probably be better for me if you did.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ryanisadouche View Post
I woke up this morning wearing my new ffr shirt which confused me.

Then i remembered i found the package last night while drunk and put it on in excitement, then immediately passed out.


Last edited by: Tasselfoot; 7 minutes ago. Reason: I am your MILF.
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Old 09-9-2008, 10:05 PM   #9
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

It's a quick writing, with more time I'm sure you'd catch structural stuff. It's just that your punctuation isn't correct; you still have to use standard grammar rules with poetry. I usually think of my sentences in terms of prose to get the punctuation right and then rework everything based on my rhythm/rhyme scheme.
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Old 09-14-2008, 11:37 AM   #10
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

Chiasmus.
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:13 PM   #11
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Default Re: Read this ****ing poem!

This was pretty cool. I enjoyed it.
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