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Old 10-23-2012, 09:41 AM   #1
moches
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Default How to Assemble an Essay in 25 Minutes

This is by far the most productive thing that will result from my taking the SAT.

SAT Prompt #16
“I farted.” –Plato
Question: Is it better to fart than not to fart at all?

You’re seriously going to make me do this.
Manny—oh, wow, sweaty palms—MANY people will reference the comically squeaky sound, the odious odor that odorizes everything in a two-foot radius, and the environmental cost of farting methane into our environment as reasons not to engage in flatulence—okay, none of that is true. As anybody who has heard “he who smelt it, dealt it,” will attest, anybody who actually argues against farting is a hypocrite by nature. But this is obviously what you want me to begin with so I can then spend the rest of my essay tearing down the opinions of these nonexistent “many people” and pat myself on the back for being such an independent mind. But I digress; unfortunately, in my rage I forgot not to write this rant on my test sheet, and now my first paragraph is way too long, so if we can just start over—
Oh, we’re already down to twenty-one minutes? Okay.
MANY PEOPLE will reference a bunch of blahblahblah as reasons not to fart. However, they are all fartfaces of the highest order because farting is a completely natural activity to engage in, and as I will show you through scientific, social, and personal examples, as if I even cared about science or society (of course I care about myself, and thankfully, I remembered not to write this thought down this time), farting is a way for us to pursue liberation from the established order of things.
As I already (accidentally, and regrettably) mentioned in my longass introduction, farting is a completely natural act. The average person, in fact, farts fourteen times a day. (That is totally scientific because I saw it on Nickelodeon. When I was eight years old. And still didn’t speak a breath of decent English. I would talk some more about that fact, but I have seventeen minutes and two more body paragraphs to write. And I still have to finish this one. Just to check, you guys have fact checkers, right? Right? Oh, you don’t? I have an idea.)
I have more information that is absolutely legitimate, which you will surely later check to validate. According to a study conducted by the incredibly reliable Harvard University, 88% of historical figures in the twentieth century farted at least twice as often as the average person, including people like Martin Luther King, who let one rip every time he nailed a particularly insightful point, and Neil Armstrong, who had to get a Febreze dispenser installed in his spacesuit so he wouldn’t suffocate on long trips. The other 12% were probably all of the boring people, like that guy who invented penicillin and that other guy who got impeached for some other boring stuff. Anyway, this totally scientific study which I did not make up proves that the tendency to pass the gas is correlated with qualities of leadership, which proves something else about my thesis and my hands really hurt already.
(Okay. Third paragraph. Eleven minutes. Proofreading took a while; perhaps I should skip that from now on.)
Socially, farting is break from the status quo, a ways for us to pursue our individuality and asserts ourselves. Maya Angelou, in famous book That Bird Is Singing in a Cage (oh, I really hope I got that title right) recounted a story of a sit-in she attended where white police officers forced their way to the counter and assaultid the nonviolent protestors. The civil rights protestors were totes (who has time to write “totally”?) an unprotected class, and farting was one of the only ways they had to assert their…dammitcrampscrampscramps…humaneities. Through farding (that is NOT correct, but I have nine minutes to write and none of them to revise), the whole world is unites in mélange of sounds and smells, which all human, regardles of status, class, or race, can take part inn. (Of course, Angelou didn’t talk about farting at all in her book, but the way I wrote this paragraph, you just might be fooled. Even if you don’t bite, the way I used “mélange” as if I actually knew what it meant will certainly net me at least a few points for vocabulary. At least I have enough time to write my last paragraph now.)
Finally, my personal experience with farting has given me an understand—
“Three minutes left, guys.”
YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS NOW?!
Okayokayokay somethingaboutfarting. I…uh…I have fart throughout my entire life (grit your teeth and power through the humiliation). When I younger, my farts get reactions of revulssion and angers (am I really writing this?). I had a friend who constantly laughs at me and call me Gassy Ass (this friend was imaginary, and I just made him up, but at least this sounds convincing). However, as I was a matured, my farts was mature as well (nonononoIwillnotlivethisdown). I learned to not fear the rejections of others and embrace my flatulence (I’m sorry, Mom). Now, every time I farts, I stop to consider the…the…the cramps! The ease that I does it with. Farting should be done confidently, as a reminder of who we is.
“One minute!”
(Oh crap, a conclusion.)
As we can see in the three examples I have explained today, farting should not be treated as something to be avoids—avoided but something to see as integral part of our individuality and perhapss if we accept this pastime we can see beyond status quoses and into our (TEN SECONDS LEFT) souls so that we can finish what the thoughts we have in our and the last part of this sente

My satire skills are...undeveloped, to say the least, so any feedback/criticism on this would be greatly appreciated! I hope you enjoyed it
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