life story thread

[11brendon]

folded for page length or whatever. i feel guilty reading you guys spill your guts and me not contributing anything back

most of my memories are extremely blurry because of lack of doing anything at all (i think this is the reason at least) mixed with memory fog because of fibromyalgia, but i can remember a few vague dates for what i consider milestone events of some sort.

born 11/21/99

i have lived in a small unincorporated community in NE ohio my whole life (bristolville)

my earliest memory is when i was 4 years old, my mom was pushing my sister and i back to the car in one of those double seater grocery carts they have (had? maybe it was a double seated stroller). my sister was putting her arm over the divider and i pulled on it really hard and dislocated her shoulder, there was a lot of crying.

the next 8 or so years of life were completely uneventful. wake up, go to school, get home. maybe go to baseball practice or a game later in the day if it came up.

when i was around 12 years old or so, i feel like thats probably around when i "woke up" for a lack of a better term. just generally actually being aware of my surroundings, realizing other people were alive and had thoughts pretty much. i still think thats absolutely crazy. i also learned computers could do more than play gory stick figure games and play guitar hero youtube videos. life pretty much became a big mess of thoughts for me right when puberty started. my parents got divorced (which i guess hit me hard according to my mom but i dont remember any of it too well), so me, my mom, and sisters moved in with our grandparents which is where we still live to this day.

anyway, this is around where the computer stuff is important. thanks to the internet i had learned that lots of other religions existed, and that having no religion at all existed as well. a lot of me questioning my beliefs had started, and i ended up personally deciding that i was an atheist from that point forward after being a christian for my whole life. i was never really a practicing christian to begin with, aside from going to church a few times, but the point is that i stopped believing in god and an afterlife which really impacted how i felt about life.

i slowly fell into a deep depression coming into realization that there is really no point to life and suicidal thoughts were in my head for a really long time, but i never acted on them. my mom had tried to help me by getting me in touch with a few therapists over the next year or so, but that really just made it worse for me. i felt like my mom was trying to change who i was as a person rather than trying to help me cope with life leading to nothing at all. also the first therapist that came to the house diagnosed me with autism, which is strange because im not autistic. im just introverted and really didnt want to talk to any therapists. a few therapists later, i remember going to a hospital and seeing a psychologist who said my depression wasnt like standard depression, but more like an adult depression and i have no clue why i remember this. also got diagnosed with some pretty bad anxiety issues and ocd. a shitty triangle of mental illness which loops in on itself and only makes me hate the world and myself even more.

around 14 years old at this point, nihilistic is the only adjective i would apply to myself. i stopped doing school work, stopped paying attention, and was full recluse. i had ended up switching to an online based schooling from home. this of course was just so i didnt have to wake up at 6:30 am every day and sit under fluorescent lights for 8 and a half hours reminding me of how pointless school is just to get a piece of paper that says "i was here for 13 years, i am now employable" at the end of it.

16 years old. this is where the peak of my mental illness accumulated. i had started working a job at pizza hut which lasted for a month, but i just stopped going because of how much i hated it. the couple peers i had talked to outside my family i had completely cut contact with. i dropped out of the school that i had pretty much not been doing in the first place. i had stopped eating, doing basic hygiene, etc. lost a lot of weight (160>125 or so). i turned 17 about a month after this, and the next few months pretty much consisted of me waking up, laying in bed for 5 hours, getting up to go to the bathroom, laying in bed and then falling asleep.

a couple months into 2017 i kind of got a bit of a spark to start doing stuff again so i decided to take the GED test and got that diploma since i dropped out of school so i could seek employment. really a shitty kind of kick in my ass since it confirmed my thoughts on school being worthless considering i had not learned anything since i was around 13 years old. i still feel this way, fuck school.

may 2017 is where i started my second job, working at a plastic company making plastic molds at a press. 4 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7pm-7am. i also ended up quitting after a month because my fingers were swollen to the point where they looked like sausages. i was in extreme pain every day after coming home. according to people i talked to this wasnt normal, and i talked to my mom and she said i probably have fibromyalgia. so at this point i come to an understanding that most labor jobs are out of my reach because of pain. i realized that doing any small labor job caused me a shit ton of pain, and that just being generally tender and in pain all the time isnt what everyone feels like. this kind of threw a wrench in my plans of my life time dream of working in landscaping, so that wasnt too cool.

nothing really happened for 2 years after this, so come present day and im putting some effort forth to go to college to get a degree so i can work in an office, which is my new dream. my current interest is in meteorology, something i have really loved my whole life. add me on discord if you want to talk about weather specifically tornadoes those things are fricking cool. anyway, i just finished taking the ACT a week ago so i can start applying to schools once i get the results back. family is dirt poor and the job hunt has been unfruitful this past year, so i hope i can at least save up enough money to move if i have to for school. online school is not an option, been there done that it doesnt work for me.

i didnt really conclude the mental illness thing, so i'll say ive been getting better. i take care of myself now, ive gained 30 lbs in the past 2 years (up from 125 to 155 lbs, aiming for 170-180). im still pretty nihilistic but i dont have suicidal thoughts and not caring about life has actually made me a lot less anxious. death can come any time it wants and i'll be fine with it, but im not going to make it come any faster than it will naturally.

maybe in 5-10 years i can give an update and necro the thread if there isnt a new one by then.

i guess i'll conclude it by giving some rhythm game background since this is a rhythm game forum. pretty much everything ive done in rhythm games in ffr and sm specifically takes place between feb 2017 and now.