Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell?

MrRubix · 01-7-2009, 08:08 AM

I had this discussion on another forum, but I wanted to repaste it over here to see what you guys think.

I mainly want to challenge people who think it is better to keep infidelity a secret when it occurs.

"Since when is it fair to betray someone and not tell them that you've effectively destroyed trust? That would imply that trust is only as good as what you reveal, which undermines its very concept in the first place.

Just because most people are weak of character does not mean that the best advice is to simply "accept it" and try to justify cheating as some necessary evil or that somehow it is better to keep cheating a secret when it occurs because "ignorance is bliss." People need to be responsible for their actions. It's not like cheating is some small mistake. It's a huge lapse in judgment, and there's good reason why people hold cheating as a definite dealbreaker in relationships. When people try to find these loopholes to rationalize internalizing their mistakes, it's just a way for them to avoid solving the problem. You're just sweeping everything under the rug and hoping nobody is going to notice.

If people are going to be the best they can be for someone, then admitting to your mistakes is the best route, I would say. To those that would argue "But NOT telling them would make them happiest. To tell them would do nothing but inject negativity and sadness and make everyone worse off," you're not considering opportunity cost. The best decision you can make is to maintain as much trust as you can by coming forth and being honest. At least have the common decency to give the other person the choice to pursue someone else who is more faithful -- THAT would be the best supportive action if you are truly acting out of empathy. To internalize your mistake and keep it secret for the purposes of "maximizing overall utility" as a hedge against your ****up is morally presumptuous and unfair to the person you cheated on, and is by no way acting in their best interests.

People cheat because they're selfish. Selfish actions that betray trust, even when kept secret, are nevertheless damaging."

**Adamaja456** · 01-7-2009, 08:21 AM

If you were to cheat, you need to tell them as soon as possible. I dont mean like right after you done having sex, you call your girl up and tell her. But within the next 48, you should sit down with her and explain what happened.

Even though not telling her would indeed keep her in a better mood and telling her could result in a break up, the truth is always the best option. It is entirely possible that she would forgive you based on certain circumstances, but if she decides to break up, at least you didn't lie to her. I would rather tell my girl i cheated on her the next day instead of keeping it a secret for a year, then having her find out. "Why didnt you tell me?" "i cant trust you at all now! "Why did you wait so long?" and many other questions will inevitably come up.

Cheating is an extremely rude thing to do, but i find it much worse if you do it, then decide not to tell you partner, or for that matter, tell you best friend and your girl somehow finds out.

/adam's n00b relationship rant

ieatyourlvllol · 01-7-2009, 09:28 AM

Basically what Rubix said

Hesitation when it comes to confession is invariably a dualization of betrayal. To continue with an illicit relationship without having given the victimized individual knowledge of (and thus the ability to freely act on) it is not only a perpetration of the truth but also a willful subterfuge that serves as an active channel through which infidelity is both amplified and sustained. It can be likened to someone leading an innocently unknowing person off a bridge then shouting out a warning much too late. Yes, how punctual the alarm is might perhaps play a role in the severity of the consequences, but it does not detract from the fact that the act was committed in the first place. Here, the adage "an ounce of prevention..." comes to mind. In the majority of cases, the offending person is obligated to take appropriate measures beforehand, lest everyone be led irreversibly past the precipice. If, however, that bound has been breached, then it's imperative that the matter is settled as soon as possible, so as to soften the inevitable impact.

tl;dr dun keep secrets bro unless you doesn't afraid of anything

jellygod · 01-7-2009, 09:50 AM

i don't know too much about cheating with girls, but i cheat at school all the time.

Sh4d0wD3v1L · 01-7-2009, 11:13 AM

I agree with Rubix. In my last relationship, I cam clean about everything. Drugs, drinking, whatever. I figure that the best way to have a relationship is be able to trust each other enough so that you can tell each other what happened, and they will be mad for a while, but forgive you. Keeping secrets only hurts those involved in it. Even though cheating and doing drugs are different things, **** happens. Maybe you'll end up better off because of it.

kauaicat · 01-7-2009, 01:27 PM

Just DONT do it.... Cheating is never okay... If they cheated on you and you want revenge, dont cheat to get back... you're probably best off to walk away... as hard as that might be, it would be harder to trust someone who has broken it... If they cheated they obviously dont think enough of you- its all about them. If you are the cheater... you need to fess up- honesty may bring consequences but its only fair... If you spilled the milk you have no right to cry about it...

Tibs · 01-7-2009, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adamaja456

girl her her her her her she she her girl her her girl

girls can cheat too fyi

~kitty~ · 01-7-2009, 04:19 PM

You shouldn't keep anything a secret in a serious relationship...

but in a serious relationship you wouldn't cheat in the first place.

Keeping a secret can also eat you alive.

It's easier to just tell it right there. It's your fault you cheated, so tell them you cheated so you don't have to intensify whatever aftermath of emotions you may feel at the time.

If you don't feel the building guilt of cheating, then don't tell, keep it a secret... then it also means they'll find out anyways, and you wouldn't care if they broke up with you and they find out how worthless of a person you are.

kommisar[os] · 01-7-2009, 05:07 PM

maybe you shouldn't cheat unless it's not something you hold dear to

Bangcrashboom · 01-7-2009, 05:36 PM

You should always tell them, not telling them would make you a douche... and i dont like douches...

Personally i would like it better if someone told me instead of just keep cheating behind my back

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tibs

girls can cheat too fyi

Hes speaking from his point of view, a guys perspective...

**TheRapingDragon** · 01-7-2009, 05:39 PM

I cheat on myself all the time. Depends if I'm a girl or a boy though.

Syhto · 01-7-2009, 06:06 PM

I wouldn't ever want to know. I would just want the guy to break it off with me if he can't stay true. I know from experience how much pain comes from finding out someone you hold dear to you was unfaithful. Just speaking in retrospect. It may be a good thing to tell them in most cases, but in long complex relationships that arent just hay let's go out woops dint cawl u oops had sex lol then, it can really depend. You always have to think when facing the decision how the person will react. You don't want anyone to go insane and/or lose it.

IMO ignorance is bliss, but from what I've seen it can vary from person to person. Some people just want to know the truth. That's what gives them peace. It's up to the person thats confessing to know how their partner is and what is the right thing to do.

**Adamaja456** · 01-7-2009, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tibs

girls can cheat too fyi

yes i know. i originally typed him/her but got lazy and didn't want to continue to do that, so i deleted the him and used my perspective like Bangcrashboom said

Tibs · 01-7-2009, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bangcrashboom

Hes speaking from his point of view, a guys perspective...

Quote:

If you were to cheat, you need to tell them as soon as possible etc

looks like it

rzr · 01-7-2009, 07:57 PM

Just don't cheat to begin with. I've been cheated on tons of times, and I've never returned the favor.

Though if you do you should come clean. If you do cheat you don't deserve the person anyway, so hopefully by confessing they'll leave you. I'm not as big of an ass hole as that makes me seem, I'm just saying I don't tolerate cheating.

korny · 01-7-2009, 11:24 PM

As long as she knows he doesn't have an std my girl can bang who she wants just don't tell me about it cuz I could care less to hear it.

KandleXTC · 01-7-2009, 11:37 PM

To me, cheating should NEVER be tolerated. It's a really messed up thing to do. I've been cheated on once. Why bother asking someone out if the other someone is going to cheat. Thats what I want to know.

**tofurox** · 01-7-2009, 11:40 PM

Exactly.

My view is, just don't cheat. In my opinion IF you cheat... well... your stupid, have issues, or are not loved enough, or somthing. If you are in that boat go seek medical attention... se a psychiatrists or somthing.

korny · 01-8-2009, 12:36 AM

Tofurox, good luck not getting cheated on by an attractive girl from Allen rofl.

Bolth MannnS · 01-8-2009, 02:41 AM

you guys are missing the bigger picture, if you love the person you are with, you WILL NOT CHEAT ON THEM. if you do cheat on them, then you dont love the person, and you should not be with them. in that case, you should break up with them and the reason is there is somone else you like more.

01-7-2009, 08:08 AM	#1
MrRubix FFR Player Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: New York City, New York Posts: 8,340	Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? I had this discussion on another forum, but I wanted to repaste it over here to see what you guys think. I mainly want to challenge people who think it is better to keep infidelity a secret when it occurs. "Since when is it fair to betray someone and not tell them that you've effectively destroyed trust? That would imply that trust is only as good as what you reveal, which undermines its very concept in the first place. Just because most people are weak of character does not mean that the best advice is to simply "accept it" and try to justify cheating as some necessary evil or that somehow it is better to keep cheating a secret when it occurs because "ignorance is bliss." People need to be responsible for their actions. It's not like cheating is some small mistake. It's a huge lapse in judgment, and there's good reason why people hold cheating as a definite dealbreaker in relationships. When people try to find these loopholes to rationalize internalizing their mistakes, it's just a way for them to avoid solving the problem. You're just sweeping everything under the rug and hoping nobody is going to notice. If people are going to be the best they can be for someone, then admitting to your mistakes is the best route, I would say. To those that would argue "But NOT telling them would make them happiest. To tell them would do nothing but inject negativity and sadness and make everyone worse off," you're not considering opportunity cost. The best decision you can make is to maintain as much trust as you can by coming forth and being honest. At least have the common decency to give the other person the choice to pursue someone else who is more faithful -- THAT would be the best supportive action if you are truly acting out of empathy. To internalize your mistake and keep it secret for the purposes of "maximizing overall utility" as a hedge against your ****up is morally presumptuous and unfair to the person you cheated on, and is by no way acting in their best interests. People cheat because they're selfish. Selfish actions that betray trust, even when kept secret, are nevertheless damaging." __________________ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0es0Mip1jWY

01-7-2009, 08:21 AM	#2
Adamaja456 Absurd Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: 31 Billion Club, WA Age: 33 Posts: 6,433	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? If you were to cheat, you need to tell them as soon as possible. I dont mean like right after you done having sex, you call your girl up and tell her. But within the next 48, you should sit down with her and explain what happened. Even though not telling her would indeed keep her in a better mood and telling her could result in a break up, the truth is always the best option. It is entirely possible that she would forgive you based on certain circumstances, but if she decides to break up, at least you didn't lie to her. I would rather tell my girl i cheated on her the next day instead of keeping it a secret for a year, then having her find out. "Why didnt you tell me?" "i cant trust you at all now! "Why did you wait so long?" and many other questions will inevitably come up. Cheating is an extremely rude thing to do, but i find it much worse if you do it, then decide not to tell you partner, or for that matter, tell you best friend and your girl somehow finds out. /adam's n00b relationship rant __________________ 582 Tier Points(Tier 3) 602 AAAs(517+23+62) People who bought me subscriptions/tokens: DrugstoreCowboy(1 month) ELRayford(3 months) ~GJampa(3 months) Jerry DB(3 months) 4th place in Gamewhore Competition(3 months) Phynx(FGJ album and Dendrite V2) dragon890x(1 year) Slide(1 year)

01-7-2009, 09:28 AM	#3
ieatyourlvllol FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: it's a mystery oooo Posts: 3,221	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? Basically what Rubix said Hesitation when it comes to confession is invariably a dualization of betrayal. To continue with an illicit relationship without having given the victimized individual knowledge of (and thus the ability to freely act on) it is not only a perpetration of the truth but also a willful subterfuge that serves as an active channel through which infidelity is both amplified and sustained. It can be likened to someone leading an innocently unknowing person off a bridge then shouting out a warning much too late. Yes, how punctual the alarm is might perhaps play a role in the severity of the consequences, but it does not detract from the fact that the act was committed in the first place. Here, the adage "an ounce of prevention..." comes to mind. In the majority of cases, the offending person is obligated to take appropriate measures beforehand, lest everyone be led irreversibly past the precipice. If, however, that bound has been breached, then it's imperative that the matter is settled as soon as possible, so as to soften the inevitable impact. tl;dr dun keep secrets bro unless you doesn't afraid of anything

01-7-2009, 09:50 AM	#4
jellygod FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Michigan Age: 34 Posts: 1,703	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? i don't know too much about cheating with girls, but i cheat at school all the time. __________________ RETIRED ___________________________ Best AAAs- Monstrous Turtles, Get down Styles- index,spread Tier Points: 148 Rank 8 in regional ranking(Great Lakes) "Never argue with stupid people, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

01-7-2009, 11:13 AM	#5
Sh4d0wD3v1L FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Wisconsin Age: 34 Posts: 693	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? I agree with Rubix. In my last relationship, I cam clean about everything. Drugs, drinking, whatever. I figure that the best way to have a relationship is be able to trust each other enough so that you can tell each other what happened, and they will be mad for a while, but forgive you. Keeping secrets only hurts those involved in it. Even though cheating and doing drugs are different things, **** happens. Maybe you'll end up better off because of it. __________________ Funny stuff goes in this area right?

01-7-2009, 01:27 PM	#6
kauaicat FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 1	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? Just DONT do it.... Cheating is never okay... If they cheated on you and you want revenge, dont cheat to get back... you're probably best off to walk away... as hard as that might be, it would be harder to trust someone who has broken it... If they cheated they obviously dont think enough of you- its all about them. If you are the cheater... you need to fess up- honesty may bring consequences but its only fair... If you spilled the milk you have no right to cry about it...

01-7-2009, 04:19 PM	#8
~kitty~ FFR Player Join Date: Jun 2007 Age: 31 Posts: 988	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? You shouldn't keep anything a secret in a serious relationship... but in a serious relationship you wouldn't cheat in the first place. Keeping a secret can also eat you alive. It's easier to just tell it right there. It's your fault you cheated, so tell them you cheated so you don't have to intensify whatever aftermath of emotions you may feel at the time. If you don't feel the building guilt of cheating, then don't tell, keep it a secret... then it also means they'll find out anyways, and you wouldn't care if they broke up with you and they find out how worthless of a person you are.

01-7-2009, 05:07 PM	#9
kommisar[os] Banned Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Moncton, NB, Canada Age: 33 Posts: 4,097	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? maybe you shouldn't cheat unless it's not something you hold dear to

01-7-2009, 05:39 PM	#11
TheRapingDragon A car crash mind Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 36 Posts: 9,788	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? I cheat on myself all the time. Depends if I'm a girl or a boy though.

01-7-2009, 11:24 PM	#16
korny It's Saint Pepsi bitch Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, tx Age: 34 Posts: 4,385	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? As long as she knows he doesn't have an std my girl can bang who she wants just don't tell me about it cuz I could care less to hear it.

01-7-2009, 11:37 PM	#17
KandleXTC FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: San Diego Posts: 43	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? To me, cheating should NEVER be tolerated. It's a really messed up thing to do. I've been cheated on once. Why bother asking someone out if the other someone is going to cheat. Thats what I want to know.

01-7-2009, 11:40 PM	#18
tofurox Them arrows. Join Date: May 2006 Location: Allen, Texas Age: 30 Posts: 2,263	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? Exactly. My view is, just don't cheat. In my opinion IF you cheat... well... your stupid, have issues, or are not loved enough, or somthing. If you are in that boat go seek medical attention... se a psychiatrists or somthing. __________________ This sig has been enhanced by the FFR Staff for being too large. Thank you for participating.

01-8-2009, 12:36 AM	#19
korny It's Saint Pepsi bitch Join Date: May 2004 Location: Dallas, tx Age: 34 Posts: 4,385	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? Tofurox, good luck not getting cheated on by an attractive girl from Allen rofl.

01-8-2009, 02:41 AM	#20
Bolth MannnS FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 1	Re: Cheating in relationships: Keep it secret, or tell? you guys are missing the bigger picture, if you love the person you are with, you WILL NOT CHEAT ON THEM. if you do cheat on them, then you dont love the person, and you should not be with them. in that case, you should break up with them and the reason is there is somone else you like more. __________________ LMFAO I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT: Side drapes.

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