Go Back   Flash Flash Revolution: Community Forums > General Discussion > Critical Thinking
Register FAQ Community Calendar Today's Posts Search

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-27-2005, 01:22 PM   #1
MalReynolds
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
FFR Veteran
 
MalReynolds's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: A Denny's Bathroom.
Age: 33
Posts: 6,571
Send a message via AIM to MalReynolds
Default The Creeps (Part 1)

This is the first part of a serial I plan on doing. This is mainly the set-up piece, an introduction to the dilemma and a character to look up to... Despite the fact that he's a little dumb.

-

Throughout history, there have been many great wars. Starting at the beginning, there was the war between Heaven and Hell, progressing through history to the War of Middle Earth, finally rounding out with the Iraq Invasion. A brief history, if you will. But one thing all of the wars have ever had in common was this: There was always a fair chance for either side to win. Always.

There wasn’t here. The things came through the gateway, so many in number and wanting nothing. They fought for mischief and mayhem, they had no other goals. To kill and burn, destroy and feast. This was all they lived for, and they didn’t mind dying. That’s what made them so powerful; the fact that they were fighting for nothing and were willing to die for it.

Within a week of the gateway being open, over a million of them had poured out into the Arizona desert, gathering. There was no leader; they shared a general mindset. Branch out and burn what you could. Kill who you could, and don’t stop until you stopped hearing the screams.

The second week, the west coast was all but gone. San Francisco, Los Angeles, burned. Razed. Buildings stood black and charred against a vile sunset, tendrils of smoke rising up to meet the orange sun.

The Midwest was gone in a matter of days.

They swept the east a month after the initial invasion. Most of the people in New York fled to Canada, like it would be some kind of barrier between humans and these creeps. A few stayed behind, hoarding guns and barricading doors. That didn’t help. The Creeps rode in, kicking in sanctuaries, no reservations about burning sacred buildings.

They rode out just as quickly as they had ridden in, leaving some buildings as an ode to their “mercy” but leaving no occupants alive. The Statue of Liberty was defaced, missing an arm. They had clambered onto the ferry, not knowing that it would take them across the water, and marveling at the architecture of that piece. The captain was hiding out, taking what he could from the few vendor carts that were still out. They found him and were about to cut his toes off when he offered to take them to Liberty Island. The Creeps didn’t understand much, but realized this would be a good chance to get out to the island. The grizzled captain started the boat, and took them, and when it was close enough to jump onto the island, they cut off his toes, then his feet, then threw him into the ocean.

There was no negotiating with these things. They stood shorter than most people; around 3 feet tall, with slanted eyes. Long pointed ears, yellow teeth, and a quasi-leather body piece that had scabbards for many weapons. Knives, swords, tridents and throwing knives were the norm. Oh, and matches. Matches and a blue flammable gel that reminded me something of napalm, but friendlier looking.

People in the city that weren’t fortifying or fighting were hiding, and the ones that hid instead of fight were the ones that tended to live. The back of coffee shops, restaurants, what have you. Non-descript buildings housing non-descript people, scared for their lives.

A print shop was a good place to hide as well. Eric was hiding out in a print-shop, in the break room. He had been living off of coffee and vending machine food for the past three weeks, lord only knows how he hadn’t been killed yet. Maybe it was a generational thing, growing up with so much crap to eat and then actually eating it for sustenance wouldn’t hurt.

Eric had been in Manhattan for the initial invasion by the Creeps. He had tried to get his family to follow him, but they had all fled to Canada.

“It’s not a location thing! This isn’t real-estate, mom! They’re not here for some kind of retribution on the US, they’re going EVERYWHERE!” he had screamed at his mother as she was packing her bags. She was old enough to make her own decisions, and so was he.

A college degree wouldn’t work very well now, though. You couldn’t education yourself out of torture with things that had such a limited understanding of our language. Maybe if Eric had gotten his degree in linguistics, but when choosing a major, he thought about how much “linguistics” sounded like “linguini” and had decided against majoring in something that sounded so much like a pasta.

After the streets had cleared and the screams had died, he walked into the street. The newspapers had all been collected, save for a few that were now blowing around in the wind. There was a dead body on the ground, missing the left foot and left hand. It was a cop, and in the severed appendage a few feet away rested a handgun. Eric had no reservations about taking the handgun, but touching the hand was a bit oogy.

Once he decided it was safe, he began to run print-outs off of the computer in the back. The power probably wouldn’t hold much longer, so Eric worked fast, printing out as many fliers as he could. Five hundred before the lights dimmed, a thousand when the power blinked out completely. It was enough.

The door to the roof had been locked, but Eric had the skeleton key; a glock. The door swung open, and he surveyed the area. A few steam vents jutted out of the ground shooting vapor into the chilly October air, and there was an emergency fire escape bolted to the side.

He took a stack of 200 fliers and threw them into the air. Some fell right onto the steam vents, wet, other picked up and scattered to the wind. Eric watched them fly around in the air like snowflakes, when he heard a cackle behind him.

“Never a time for poeticism, is there,” he thought to himself as he turned.
There were two creeps standing by the door, guarding it. One was advancing on him quickly; Eric pulled the gun up and fired, hitting the creature square in the head. The momentum blew out the back of its head, and it fell to its knees, then onto its face, before skidding to a halt directly in front of him.

The Creeps by the door still cackled as Eric felt the tiny knife run across his leg.

“Oh, you son of a bitch!” There had been one that flanked him, and it was now cackling, holding onto his leg as he flailed, trying to get it off. It was scaling his body slowly, before it was finally in front of his face. It gave him a very sloppy tongue kiss before Eric composed himself and shot the creature through the ass. It fell.

The two by the door cackled, and Eric looked behind him. Nothing. He turned back around, and the creatures were almost on him. He fired one shot into the chest of the Creep on the left, but the other one jumped, knife poised before he could take aim. It sliced down his arm, forcing him to drop the gun. The Creep hit the ground and grabbed for the glock, as Eric kicked at it. He hit the creature square in the jaw, forcing it backwards, and he picked a knife from one of the dead Creeps. The thing charged at him, but he rolled to the left, hitting a steam vent.

“Ugh…”

He grabbed the bag from around the Creeps side, and dipped the knife in the blue gel.

“Let’s do this,” he mused.

He slammed the blade of the knife against the vent and the blade burst into flames. The Creeps eyes widened, and it cackled. It was in the air before Eric knew what was what, but he swing the knife up, cutting the creature along the chest. It fell to the deck and began to scream. There was a brief moment of compassion for the flailing creature, before Eric realized that this thing was in fact, a monster, and he threw it from the roof.

Bleeding out of his arm and leg, Eric grabbed the second stack of fliers and scattered them, before retreating into the safety of the print-shop for the night.

“Well… I hope people get these,” he thought to himself before passing out.

“Calling for survivors: Band together. Big Apple Print Shop, 78 Broadway. Bring Guns and supplies. And I’ve got candy.”


-

Mal
__________________
"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


My new novel:

Maledictions: The Offering.

Now in Paperback!
MalReynolds is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-2005, 01:37 PM   #2
cmb
FFR Player
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 75
Default RE: The Creeps (Part 1)

Good lord man that was awesome.I mean really that was great i usually hate writing,But seeing that makes me envy you so BRAVO.
cmb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-2005, 05:03 PM   #3
akorn
FFR Player
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 209
Send a message via AIM to akorn
Default RE: The Creeps (Part 1)

That was a pleasant read, nice work. I liked the whole setting, although more background, like a slightly more thorough description of the invasion would be nice (that's just personal opinion though, I love reading Asimov and Philip K Dick and they do this really well... well, they're supposed to anyway xD). Also, there were some parts that didn't seem to link well with the flow of the story, like the statue of liberty episode; I can understand what you were trying to do, but that part just doesn't feel right somehow.

I really liked the action parts, it was easy to picture the scene in my head and the flaming knife was a brilliant touch. Just two more things:

"Matches and a blue flammable gel that reminded me something of napalm, but friendlier looking. "
This is the only time throughout the text you use the 1st person

"...Iraq Invasion. (...) There was always a fair chance for either side to win. Always."
Clearly untrue

Btw, I'm posting this not because I want to diss your work or anything, but I suppose, since you made the post, that you expect some kind of criticism on the story. So here you go xD
__________________
akorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-2005, 05:26 PM   #4
MalReynolds
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
FFR Veteran
 
MalReynolds's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: A Denny's Bathroom.
Age: 33
Posts: 6,571
Send a message via AIM to MalReynolds
Default RE: The Creeps (Part 1)

Heh. I intend on having the narrator use the first person a little more later, to give it a more personal feel... Even though that's breaking some rule of literature or something.

Mal
__________________
"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, Ill give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


My new novel:

Maledictions: The Offering.

Now in Paperback!
MalReynolds is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-2005, 05:41 PM   #5
Eyoshi
Certified Calendarwhore
FFR Veteran
 
Eyoshi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Council is not in session.
Age: 30
Posts: 1,044
Send a message via AIM to Eyoshi Send a message via Skype™ to Eyoshi
Default RE: The Creeps (Part 1)

Pretty cool. I was expecting a horror story, but this one was better.
I liked how you fleshed out the action scenes. In this case, it fitted in the situation well.
However, I wonder how will the story progress. The first installmant was a good start, but it could also turn in a) a over emotional story that focuses too much on interaction between Eric and the other characters, b) too much action with little character development making it look like a B-movie in text, or c) just plain cliched. But, I'm very sure that the later parts will be excellent.
__________________
Eyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-2005, 10:52 PM   #6
FishFishRevolution
GotR Creator
FFR Veteran
 
FishFishRevolution's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Vi sitter hr i venten Current Band: The National
Age: 33
Posts: 7,251
Send a message via AIM to FishFishRevolution Send a message via Yahoo to FishFishRevolution Send a message via Skype™ to FishFishRevolution
Default RE: The Creeps (Part 1)

Good amount of description--enough to know what's going on but not too much to turn away A.D.D. readers.

Can't wait for part 2 =D
__________________
FishFishRevolution is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2005, 01:25 AM   #7
psychic25
FFR Player
 
psychic25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 367
Send a message via AIM to psychic25 Send a message via MSN to psychic25
Default RE: The Creeps (Part 1)

Very nice.

And I think it'd be fine to switch viewpoints when changing chapters, but that "me" in the middle of all that third person does look a little awkward to me, too. Sorry to nitpick :P.

Quite awesome. I can't wait for Part 2 either.
psychic25 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:33 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright FlashFlashRevolution