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Old 02-1-2024, 12:14 AM   #1
Andromena_M31
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Exclamation I have no idea how to title this

Ok so, I am part of the LGBTQ and I have a very hard time dealing with it. I am not exaggerating when I say that everyone where I live is homophobic and transphobic as H E double hoccky sticks. I live with a person (not gonna say who it is because I respect them still) who is proud to be homophobic.
And this all leads to a lot of internal transphobia.

I know healthy ways to cope with it but I can only do it when Im alone. Im dont want to do it when near people because I feel like if that the person saw me play my confort game they would call me a girl, gay, and tell me to "man up" (PS, I f-ing hate when they say man up, they always use it in a toxic masculinity way)

And that leads me to do unhealthy coping. It's nothing that harms me or puts me at risk, But it's still bad habbits that I want to stop.

my question is, How can I cope with my internal transphobia/homophobia when there are transphobic/homophobic people around me?

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Old 02-1-2024, 01:29 AM   #2
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

As a woman living in patriarchy I can just say that I sympathize

It's really hard to cope with the reality that people don't respect you

But it's reality and you just need to live with it as best you can
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Old 02-1-2024, 03:23 AM   #3
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andromena_M31 View Post
How can I cope with my internal transphobia/homophobia when there are transphobic/homophobic people around me?
In that context, I would cope by knowing that transphobic/homophobic people doesn't understand my reality. They're simply projecting their own reality.

Honestly, you shouldn't compare yourself with others unless it's beneficial for yourself.

If anything, you should view this as an education issue. You're ahead of your time.

Hopefully, you can find like-minded individuals to talk to while the rest of society catches up.
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Old 02-1-2024, 04:42 AM   #4
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

i feel for ya.
If you're able to leave and move somewhere more accepting that's the best option, but i understand its not always that easy. assuming this other person is ignorant to the fact that you're upset by their comments, is there anywhere you can stay for the time being?

i really dont have any other solutions, sorry if youd like to talk about this more you're more than welcome to PM me, im also LGBTQ and have had to deal with this before but they ended up just accepting it- though i know not everyone can.
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Old 02-1-2024, 01:20 PM   #5
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

i was once in a similar situation- i found leaving to be a fairly effective solution.
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Old 02-1-2024, 09:46 PM   #6
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Exclamation Re: I have no idea how to title this

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Originally Posted by Lights View Post
i was once in a similar situation- i found leaving to be a fairly effective solution.
I wish I could. Literally today I was putting on tv for my brother and I was putting on baymax. and the person yelled out loud "I don't want him to watch gay people"

The problem is that I cant leave. the majority of that live around me are homophobic because thats what they think is cool. and everyone else is religous.

I cant leave because there is no where else I can go. Not to mention my mom, I don't know how my mom would cope if I just ran away. Im planing to come out when I move out for community collage.

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Old 02-2-2024, 09:55 AM   #7
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

One thing I struggle with is thinking nihilistic or cynical. i don't like when I think like that. I believe that whatever you think is important, thats what matters. But all the bad thoughts, dysphoria, and people saying bad things drags me down a bunch. But i'm happy that I desided to be openly trans/gay here. And im grateful that everyone here is so supportive!

Thank you all so much, you have made my day! Hope you all have a magical day!

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Old 02-3-2024, 04:44 PM   #8
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Smile Re: I have no idea how to title this

Step one:

Finding your safe space; while an IRL safe space is always the most ideal you can still find one online. Seek out a a space like a discord group where you can just be *you*, doesn't have to be LGBT focused, just accepting, it'll give you peace to just chat with folks where you don't feel like you have to tell them everything to feel like you're not hiding something; it'll also give you a space to vent if things get a bit much. (feel free to find me via the FFR discord or DM me on here if you just need a chat(LGBT or otherwise), same goes for anyone else reading this)

Warning:

It's a common sentiment in a lot of online spaces that you need to be *out* no matter what, "authentic lifestyle" and all that; ignore those people, your safety always has to come first (as much as it sucks that that should ever need to be a consideration) and you'll always be the best judge of what is and isn't safe to disclose to those around you. That doesn't just mean "I'm worried *person* will be violent", it can be a risk of removal of care or emotional or financial support, especially for minors.

Reassurance/ my experience:

I'll also say that the idea of "coming out" is overly sensationalised by media. I was terrified of having to come out to my family (over 15 years ago now). I was openly bi with friends at school (I go by pan now but hey, I was 14 and just figuring it out); my mother taught at my (catholic) school and was covering my lesson one day and (completely without malice) another student tried to pass a note to me in class, asking if I was out at home [because of course the second they realise the teacher is your mother the only things they can think of are the things they think they shouldn't say]. My mother does her job and intercepts a note being passed round the class (that I still don't know is intended for me). She reads the note (it reads "F Beth, Does your mum know you're gay? 4 *Diddley*"), asks the sender "Do you want to read this out in front of the class?" and they obviously shake their head and turn red in the face. My mother then looks the sender in the eye and just says "yes" and puts the note in the bin and continues the lesson. It wasn't until after the class that Beth ran over and apologised and I even began to understand what had just happened in class.

I spent the rest of the day bricking myself for the car ride home but my mother didn't even bring it up; I worried over it for weeks, wondering when she was going to *finally* bring it up at home, but she never did. About two months later *I* brought up "that note", my mothers only question was to ask if I was actually dating my best friend, because if so we'd have to sleep in different rooms for future sleep overs.

When I had to *come out* all over again a little over a year later for transitioning, I was still so terrified that I had to write her a letter to do it, including contact details for the councillor I was seeing and how to access resources to support parents. We lived under the same roof and I wrote her a letter!

Conclusion:

My point is that you are the best judge of how those around you will act but the panic of thinking you *have* to tell them can seriously cloud your judgement. As an adult my catholic mother had no qualms coming for a cuppa and catch up at my place with my trans ass and the rest of my polycule.
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Old 02-24-2024, 10:51 AM   #9
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

A lot of things are happening.

First, I think that I'm buddhist. Mostly because I havent found that much peace in reading the bible. But im not sure because I've been christian all my life. Not to mention I cant realy know until I go to a place of worship. and Im not sure if I'll feel bad or not.

Second, I want to come out very soon, not because I am ready for it (I am so not ready for it). But because it's just because it's eating away at me. But I've been saying that im happy to be in my place of worship and that I want to serve god. I've been lying to everyone my whole life and I dont want to upset them. I just dont want to make them unhappy, but im unhappy when I say that I like preaching or that im happy to do gods will. (Again with the buddhism) Not to even mention that Idols are very bad thing in the religon im in currently.

and Third, I like that person, Me and the person have amazing times together... But they are homophobic, transphobic, and not to put them in a bad light, but I feel like they would not respect me changing my faith. Moslty both fo our religons are so diffrent from one another. Im not sure if they will repect my decision.

Disphoria/overthinking have been kicking my ash for a while now. but Im getting better at dealing with it thankfully. I feel like I should maybe start hinting at it but I feel like they will see right through me. That's enough panic rabiling for today. if you talk about the person please respect them. hope your doing well everyone.

Last edited by Andromena_M31; 02-24-2024 at 11:03 AM.. Reason: (edit, I made a spelling error)
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Old 02-24-2024, 03:23 PM   #10
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

if you want my terrible advice, don't come out.. just don't. coming out to homophobic/transphobic individuals will result in them looking for any excuse they can to fuck with you (source: i tried coming out in 2019 and my parents are still making jokes about it.)

to be quite honest, i'd say to just ignore people trying to say homophobic/transphobic stuff to you. people who want to say these things are looking for you to finally break and bow to them.. don't let that happen. instead, i believe you should try and find a support group online instead of offline, as your area might not be so.. receptive, to anyone in the LGBTQIA+ community (if your living situation is like this, i don't expect the surrounding area to be so nice either.) i believe it's quite hard to learn/pull off, but if you stop allowing people's words to be valuable, you start to become slightly less vulnerable to them.

also, if you're buddhist in a christian household, especially in this age of religion creating massive dividing lines between people in america, i would heavily suggest against making anything known about your beliefs in this at all. you might put yourself in serious danger if you do, and i don't believe that getting hurt for your religion is a very smart move.
if you can't leave just yet, then going quiet might just be the solution.. for me, it's been creating an entire alter ego for myself that acts like a cis male, just for my (extremist, {homo,trans,xeno}phobic, racist..) parents.

if anything in this was inflammatory, i apologize; these are just my beliefs.
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Old 03-1-2024, 03:10 PM   #11
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

I personally don't have any issues with members of this community, as I'm friends with a couple of them. The problem I have is with me doing any of it, as I will never do any of these things the LGBTQ+ community chooses to do. It's my personal choices on the matter, as a practicing Messianic Jew.
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Old 03-1-2024, 04:38 PM   #12
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Old 03-1-2024, 05:09 PM   #13
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Old 03-1-2024, 05:28 PM   #14
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Old 03-1-2024, 07:13 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andromena_M31 View Post
I like that person, Me and the person have amazing times together... But they are homophobic, transphobic, and not to put them in a bad light, but I feel like they would not respect me changing my faith. Moslty both fo our religons are so diffrent from one another. Im not sure if they will repect my decision.
This is an incredibly difficult thing to tackle by nature, especially when so young-- and I don't know the full scope of the situation so I cant say much. However, one thing I will say is that those who truly love and care about you will do so unconditionally. Try to find people in your life who will respect and care about you, who wont reject you based on your lifestyle preferences-- anyone who turns on you for who you are is unfair and likely unfit to be your friend. Besides, if bad actors in your life turn on you under the pretense of religion, God loves all of his children unconditionally and to say otherwise would be blasphemy. Ignoring that fact most likely means they're just mean and that they don't truly value their religion.
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Old 03-2-2024, 09:11 AM   #16
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

It's gonna last until the 24 of march, but those days will be some of the hardest days for me. And I can tell im gonna be overthinking/dysphoric for the whole month. I dont want to go out, I dont want to talk to people about god, I just want to stay in my room forever. Im gonna get through this, I will. It's just gonna be annoying as H E double hockey sticks.

One more thing. I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much, all of you for being so supportive, kind, and accepting of me. When I feel sad I came back here to reread your posts, it fills me with confidence and joy. Thank you so much!

(Edit) Sorry that this was so much, I wrote the first part down when I was in a very bad headspace. Sorry if it felt inflammatory or anything like that.

Last edited by Andromena_M31; 03-2-2024 at 01:29 PM.. Reason: This had info that was wrong
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Old 03-2-2024, 10:17 AM   #17
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

I also should quickly say that the person I talk about is kind of weird. Sometimes they are so kind and caring. Other times they insult me and gives me death glares. Im not sure why but I just felt like I needed to say this to give a fuller picture.

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Old 03-2-2024, 01:35 PM   #18
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Ok, I said a lot of stuff and I need to clean things up

I want to say that the place of worship I go to is not mean or bad. The people there are very kind and respectful. They are people who are not homophobic, they just dont allow people of LGBTQ in. It was just my overthinking brain making me think it was a huge problem. It's maily the disphoria/that one person doing something mean that made me think this.

I am sorry that I painted the religon in a bad light. Their very kind. It was just me overthinking and Worrying
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Old 03-2-2024, 01:57 PM   #19
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Default Re: I have no idea how to title this

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They are people who are not homophobic, they just dont allow people of LGBTQ in.
I feel like these 2 things contradict eachother?
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Old 03-2-2024, 02:06 PM   #20
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Quote:
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they just dont allow people of LGBTQ in.
Why don't they allow them in?

This isn't about throwing around labels, it's trying to see what their reasoning is.
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