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#1 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Who actually grows up wanting to be head of a Saltine Factory? It has to be the most spiteful, boring and hate filled job in the world. I mean, consider this: The man probably entered the factory at a young age to help buy a car or whatever, and kept it as a casual summer job, throughout college. Since he had schooling, they promote him to Shift Manager, and now he has so much in the company, he can't quit now. The pay is good, (enough to pay the bills and take his lady out for a nice dinner, on occasion) and there are some benefits (although dental isn't covered all the way. The co-pay is far too much), so he's not at a loss. A few years go by, and some new young hotshots start, working summers and during college, and soon they have another opening. Well, I mean, our man has been shift manager for a while and doesn't want to be around these hipsters, so he vies for the promotion simply because he doesn't want to work with what he used to be.
So, he outdoes all of his other shift-manager competition and becomes head manager, not quite the head of the factory, but getting there. He's now in his mid-thirties, supervising the creation of a cracker. A bland cracker. No one serves a meal and goes, "You know what would spice this meal the $*%# up? Saltines!" Saltines aren't even attractive; the cracker resembles a kid with acne, had he a square face. They're also bland flavor-wise. Usually, you add peanut butter, tuna, Cheeze-Whiz Food Product or another item to a Saltine pre-eating. They're not even Ritz crackers, which are just as tasty plain as they are covered in something. So, he's supervising the creation of a cracker that is only bought in tandem with something to put on it. The benefits have increased, and so has the pay, making it easier to take his lady love out to dinner (even though his lady love has since changed roles since High-school. Instead of a cheerleader, she's a night-nurse that's always awake when you're asleep and vice-versa) even though your jobs almost exclusively prohibit dining out. He's one step away from the top, why not try and get it? It'd be better than having Johnson run the factory, because he's a smarmy ass that no one really likes. So, you try and get promoted to the Head of the Factory out of sheer spite. It might also be noted that you will become head of most corporations out of spite of other people rather than necessity... But that leads this man running a factory that creates one of the most bland food stuffs in the world (Outside of bamboo shoots and communion wafers). He got his Factory Head job to spite Johnson, he got his Shift Manager job out of shear hatred of youth, and he started working there, not intentionally for the rest of his life, but it just kind of happened because he couldn't draw himself away. He doesn't even have the benefit of making a fun food, like Cheeze-Wiz. When one makes Cheeze-Wiz, they stop and go, "What a silly name our food has! People like putting this on Saltines, or they just eat it out of the easy-spray can!" Saltines do not come in easy spray cans; they come in hard to open sleeves. When you try to open a sleeve of saltines, they inevitably end up on the floor, but that's a tangent. People who make Pringles know they make a fun food that people enjoy all the time! It comes in a fun can, has a great taste, and there are so many fuckin' flavors that I can't even count them all on one hand anymore. They bring joy to children's lunches across the world! You know what happens when a mother packs children Saltines? One of three things: 1: The child kills the mother some year later. 2: The child kills themselves later that day. 3: The child shoots up the school. All the school shootings? No, not neo-nazis or crazy children; it's the Saltines. So, he's stuck running an un-fun food company out of spite. He hates his life, and he doesn't know how it came to this... And then a wave of realization sweeps over him. His life has become that of a saltine; slightly uneven, but in a predictable way, and in no way appealing on it's own. Spiteful because he didn't want to end up here; he's only running the #$#ing place to show Johnson up. Boring, because who the $*%# seriously eats saltines plain? His food is only delicious in cooperation with another food. Even jizz-moppers get to deal with strippers; peep shows and they KNOW that whom they're cleaning up after had fun at some point. That's not the case with Saltines. No one has fun with those. Hate filled because he didn't want to end up here and his food is boring and he just knows that the kids down on the floor are going to end up in his office one day. Will he be a catcher in the rye and save these children from wasting their lives in this factory? No. So, he turns to heroin. But that's a tale for another day. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I値l give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#2 |
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GotR Creator
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This is why I'm so afraid to get a big-time job now, my parents say "you won't be doing it the rest of your life" but I know once I start something, become a regular or a well-known, I won't want to leave.
Heroin's not such a bad alternative. |
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#3 |
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FFR Player
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I eat saltines plain... but i still feel sorry for the guys running saltine factories.
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#4 |
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Super Scooter Happy
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Saltines kick ass plain.
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I watched clouds awobbly from the floor o' that kayak. Souls cross ages like clouds cross skies, an' tho' a cloud's shape nor hue nor size don't stay the same, it's still a cloud an' so is a soul. Who can say where the cloud's blowed from or who the soul'll be 'morrow? Only Sonmi the east an' the west an' the compass an' the atlas, yay, only the atlas o' clouds. |
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#5 |
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Retired BOSS
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I regularly buy saltines and eat them by themselves. I enjoy them.
You really need to proofread your stories/writing before posting. This one, like all the others, has grammar and spelling errors. Also, your logic is really wrong when it comes to working for a company. Personally, I haven't worked for a solely self-contained management... always for a corporation. And in promotions for corporations... well, you may be onto something for the lower levels, but upper levels, you're way off. More real world experience is needed for young Mal before he can aptly discuss certain topics.
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RIP |
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#6 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Of course, this was an essay on the dangers of working for a company.
It was a humerous rant. I'm going to ask this the nicest way possible; get over it. I mean, get over... Yeah, it was really all I wanted to say. It's not like I set out to change the world with this rant; it's meant to be humerous. I don't think anyone that runs a saltine factory really turns to heroin. It's a satire. Get. Over. It. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I値l give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#7 |
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FFR Player
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Never ate saltines.
Ps. Good read.
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![]() בקצה השמיים, ובסוף המדבר, יש מקום רחוק מלא פרחי בר מקום קטן, עלוב ומשוגע, מקום רחוק מקום לדאגה יש אומרים שם שמשיקרה וחושבים אל כל מה שקרה אלוהים שם יושב ורואה ושומר אל כל משברא אסור לקטוף את פרחי הגן אסור לקטוף את פרחי הגן ודואג ודואג נורא |
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#8 |
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Retired BOSS
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Mal, of course its meant as satire / humorous rant.... but its not funny. Because its wrong. Things of this nature, just like stand up comics, are funny because when you read it you go, "Wow... that is SO true!" and follow it up with a few LOLs. Then throw in the grammar/spelling errors, and I can't even focus on just reading it, as I'm too busy looking at the mistakes and thinking about how they should be.
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RIP |
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#9 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Well, it's a tad overbearing and kind of a little bit disheartening that you can't read a rant and enjoy it for what it is; a rant.
It's just... I mean, it's funny. I know it's funny. It has funny lines. But just because it's not exactly how a business would be operated does not make it any less funny. I'll copy and past it into word and fix up the spelling problems, but if I have grammar mistakes, chances are I did it on purpose. I mean, other people have enjoyed it fine. I just think you should be able to, too. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I値l give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#10 |
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Resident Penguin
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2nd 3rd and 4th paragraphs all begin with "So". Fix that.
also the love interest should either be omitted or given less space. Have in the first sentence talking about going out to dinner a mention of the cheerleader type and in the second mention the nurse type. Having to go back and explain the difference now that the nurse has shown up belabors the reader. tass I think for his purposes of eventually comparing the working man's life to a saltine cracker it's fine for him to neglect realism in the corporate world. The piece would have lost meaning if the guy actually had different responsibilities and a different kind of job by the end of his promotions. |
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#11 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 3,228
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It's physically impossible to eat 10 saltines in a minute. I've actually never seen more than 6.
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#12 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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You know, I think I'll just re-post this in Chit Chat, where people won't sit there and tear it apart.
I wasn't asking for it to be fixed ![]() Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I値l give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#13 |
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is against custom titles
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I thought this was a quote from The Simpsons when I first read it. I swear there was a speech by Kirk Van Houten much like this somewhere.
--Guido http://andy.mikee385.com |
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#14 |
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Retired BOSS
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If you post something in CT, you KNOW it is going to get critiqued... most of your stuff gets decent reviews. Gotta take the good with the bad.
I happen to not like this piece very much. My opinion. I've voiced my reasons for it... you can take them or leave them. Simple as that. Also, why would you intentionally have incorrect grammar? That doesn't make sense. Plus, there is no reason for the spelling mistakes in a piece of literature. In regular posts, sure. In something you took the time to write, there isn't.
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#15 |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Ha, well, I fixed the spelling errors, so, that's a plus.
Second, because sometimes fragmented sentences or run ons sound better in your head. I don't care how much they tell you not to in school, it's easier to read on occasion. Sometimes, I write in a very halting style. Gramatically correct it is not, but it works sometimes. And yeah, I take criticism. I just wasn't expecting as much on a rant. I reposted in Chit Chat, but actually, thank you (all, Tass included) for looking out for the best interest of the writer and the work. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I値l give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#16 |
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Resident Penguin
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man I gave some good constructive criticism... I mean that's helpful stuff for your future writings whereas just giving you a hug and saying "good job mal" is good feedback for the psyche but worthless in terms of improving your skills.
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#17 | |
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CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Quote:
Thanks, brah. Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I値l give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
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#18 | |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,069
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Reminds me of Collateral...
Quote:
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-Jamie |
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#19 |
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FFR Player
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To add to the worst-list of bad jobs... you should consider the fast food industry. I've read a load about the job, and it seems really undesirable. Yes, I'm thirteen (or fifteen by join-in date), but it doesn't mean I know about it.
-You work at the meat-cutting industry in a closed warehouse full of cattle, ready to be sliced and diced into patties. You cut off pieces of the cow like the leg and thigh, making sure it fits into the container to be meat-drained. The place is drenched in cow blood, and the slaughterhouse fogs up so thick, you'll suffocate in cattle guts. You wear chain mail, yet still happens to cut yourself through with a saw. To get pay, you have to work in such conditions so poor, you'd rather be a target in a firing range than smell like cow blood for weeks. If you're a woman, you might have to please the boss a little before gaining pay. Oftentimes, you'll have to have sex with the manager on the bloody floor, often for less than minimum pay. -You work as a sanitarian for the slaughterhouse, cleaning up the place every night so that the illegal immigrant workers won't die so quickly on the job. The place appears condemmed, full of the awful stench and virtually uncleanable. Yet, your job must be finished before the workers come every 6:00 AM. Sometimes, you'll die trying to clean the worst of the warehouse, dying of sulfuric-like poisons. There's no way to be saved if you fall in one of the tubes; rescue workers will die of the same fate. Your stench will go through the suit, making you stink for days. Read the book, The Fast Food Nation. It's got a huge history of fast food, the conditions, and the corruption of this job. I'm pretty sure you'll think this is job above a lot more gruesome than what MalReynolds can ever make up. ---Desert_Eagle
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#20 |
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FFR Player
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,069
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I think it absolutely depends who you are.
I think being an executioner would be the worse job ever... as I'd simply break down and end up in some mental institute. Prostitution... that would be so degrading and sick.
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-Jamie |
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