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Old 08-18-2005, 10:03 AM   #1
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Default Flaws of Architecture (Story)

Uh... It didn't e-mail. I'm gonna put it up in a few. Sorry =(

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Old 08-18-2005, 12:45 PM   #2
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Default RE: Flaws of Architecture (Story)

...Amazing.
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Old 08-23-2005, 11:41 AM   #3
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What? Is this the story with the domes? I am so lost.
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Old 08-23-2005, 12:38 PM   #4
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No, no, that one is aptly titled "Domes" and I'm working on turning that novel length, which is why there hasn't been more of it. This one was going to just be a short story, but my other computer is offline *Which explains why the e-mail didn't sent* and I have no way to get it over here. When I do, you'll see it.

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"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


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Old 08-23-2005, 03:18 PM   #5
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Now that's what I call a short story.

God, I am so funny.
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Old 08-26-2005, 12:34 AM   #6
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Okay, okay, here it is. Didn't create a new thread, get your tounge out of my throat.

Flaws of Architecture

Architecture has its flaws; the prominent one in this building was the elevator system. In the fifties, the building was a steel mill and several offices. Since, it has been converted into an apartment complex with a high-rise addition. The only problem with the renovation and the addition of the high rise was the cost to replace the elevators. The only elevators in the building reached floor 12; the high-rise addition featured an additional nine floors. Instead of replacing the elevators, the powers that be installed a separate set for access to the high-rise parts of the building.
The two elevators presented an interesting problem; the residents of floors 1-12 had to change elevators if they wanted to reach the laundry, fitness or clubroom on floor 21. It was usually a two-elevator ride for the residents of the low rise. Not exactly a flaw, but time consuming,
Daniel and Teddy lived on floor 10, so to do laundry, work out or shoot pool they had to ride the elevator to floor 12, get on the high rise elevator and ride to floor 21. They had panache for playing pool while they did their laundry; it was something to pass the time and it was on the same floor. Unless the planets were lined up very oddly, their games of pool lasted an extremely long time because neither player was very good... And they played best 2 out of 3.
They had just finished up a very odd set. They didn’t know, because they lost count, but they had actually played a five out of seven set. Even longer than usual. They weren’t using the Laundromat, either… This time, it was just a bit of recreation.
Daniel stepped into the lime green hallway and began to make his way to the elevators. Teddy put the rack back on the peg and stepped up his pace. Daniel passed the fitness room and pressed the call button. Teddy joined him.
They stepped into the elevator at the same time, the lights flickering, making the pattern on the tiled floor dance. Teddy pressed the button for 12, and the elevator started with a jolt. At floor 17, the doors opened and thin Asian man stepped inside, pressed “13” and stood close to the door.
“Yeah, so Mom wanted to watch Kinsey…” Teddy started.
16.
“I don’t think that’s a good movie to watch with a parental,” Daniel replied.
15.
“I know. I didn’t watch it. I mean, the movie is primarily about sex,” continued Teddy.
14.
“Plus, I hear Peter Skaarsgard has a nude scene in it and he has a tiny penis, I hear. Small dong,” Teddy finished.
13. The man stepped out of the elevator.
“That wasn’t funny,” Daniel quipped.
12.
“Sure it was,” Teddy countered as the doors slid open. They stepped out and walked down the hallway, standing before the next set of elevators. Teddy hit the call button and they waited.
“If there’s someone in here, don’t embarrass me,” Daniel said.
The arrow above the elevator illuminated, pointing down, before the last life in the bulb behind the plastic shield faded away, leaving the sign post dark. The doors slid open.
Daniel and Teddy stepped inside. The button for floor 10 was pressed. The cramped compartment shook. Daniel pressed 10 again. The elevator began to descend. They rode in silence.
11.
10.
The doors slid open, and Daniel set one foot in the hallway.
The doors slid open, and Teddy set one foot half in the elevator, half in the hallway.
There was a loud snap as the metal cable on top of the elevator gave way.
Daniel was already in the process of exiting the elevator. His weight shifted onto his foot as he heard something snap… He stepped out, as the elevator began to fall.
Teddy tried to shift his weight to his foot, but by the time he had made his move, the elevator had begun to descend again. His weight went on his foot, but there wasn’t enough leverage to maintain balance. He saw Daniel turn around, as he began to fall back into the car that was beginning its final ride.
Daniel didn’t know what to do. He stood rooted to the spot as the doors began to close. He saw Teddy’s eyes widen as he fell backwards, his mouth contorted in a mask of confusion.
9.
Teddy hit the bottom of the car, and tried to stand. He got to his
8.
Knees and looked at the floor indicator.
7.
It was dark. Teddy wasn’t
6.
a praying man, but he had
5.
precious few seconds to repent for a life of
4.
vagrancy. He closed his eyes and begged for
3.
giveness. He heard a pop as the air beneath in the shaft began to compress
2.
He heard the doors blow out at the bottom into the lobby
1.
He hoped no one was hurt by them.
The elevator collapsed into itself like a can of soda crushing, creating a twisted origami.
Daniel stood on floor 10 with his hand over his mouth as he heard the crash over 100 feet below.
Most men snap at the age of 55. The shaft was fifty, outdating an emergency braking system. The elevator cable was fifty years old.
Looks like they would have to get a new one now. Flaws of architecture.

--

Fin

Reviews? Thoughts?

Mal
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


My new novel:

Maledictions: The Offering.

Now in Paperback!
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Old 08-26-2005, 10:26 AM   #7
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It reminded me of Ray Bradbury at the end there.
I like it.
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Old 08-27-2005, 12:23 PM   #8
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Ok. I thought that it sucked. Frankly. I mean, you're a good writer but that's a piece of trash.

And I'm not just saying that.

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