Old 05-22-2004, 03:04 AM   #1
xObserveRx
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Default Story Preview: Thoughts on it?

Just wanted to give you guys a taste of this story i'm writing, i'm about 20% done it, but i just wanted to see what you guys thought of it, and how many of you will actually wanna read it all when its done. I mean i do these for fun, but its always nice to have people WANTING to read it, you know?

This story was inspired by a massively f**ked up dream i had a few nights ago, one which made me get up and tell people about, and want to write a story about. I mean the whole story didn't unfold in the dream, but enough of it did to make me wanna finish the rest. Anyways here's a preview of it, tell me what you guys think.

Prologue


“The war of 1812 was a bitter battle between the North and the South,” began Ms. Vickerd, struggling to get a videotape in the VCR that connected to the TV our class had been fortunate enough to get for our lessons in history.
“Wow, thank God there's only two weeks left of this shit,” I sighed, as I put my head down on the desk. It must've been about 110 degrees in the room, and it showed, as almost everyone in the room was sweating. I pulled my shirt away from my back, where it had been stuck for the last five minutes. The school decided that a new “Gardening Facility” as they called it, was more important than putting some Air Conditioners in our room, so typical.
“You're telling me,” Replied Rob, my best friend since the second grade. We decided after highschool that we wanted to be teachers, him Geography, and me Math. Somehow history had been thrown in the mix, and we both weren't fond of it.
“So Dan, are we still on for the weekend?” Rob questioned, looking hopeful. He didn't need to worry, I had everything planned out. We'd be at the campground by sundown. I'd stop at the beer store after class, then pick up the rest of the supplies at the discount store just out of town. After that was done, i'd head home, take a quick shower, and be ready to get on the road.
“You know it,” I replied, and I told him the plan. We finished up the rest of the details during the movie, and then i fell asleep.
I woke to Rob's voice telling me class was over. Ms. Vickerd was looking at me, not impressed, but i didn't care. The term was almost done, and i was going away for the whole weekend! Finally, a little time away from everyone, away from all the pressure, away from everything. After a quick apology to her, We got up and ran out of the room. I followed Rob to his locker, and threw my books in.
“You're picking me up at 5:30?” I asked him, already knowing the answer.
“Yup, see ya then,” he said as he slammed the locker door shut, and headed towards the exit on the other side of the building. I turned, and started toward the other exit, where my car was parked. This weekend was going to be perfect, no worries, no bothers, just fun. Little did I know, I wasn't going to make it to any of it.

*******************************


The sun blazed off the road, giving that sense that you were about to drive into a huge grey lake. It was a perfect day in June; sun shining, not a cloud in the sky, a little humid, but I prefer that over rain anyday.
I had just turned onto the street that lead to the discount store, when I noticed a new street being constructed, just a little ways ahead. Being as curious as I am, i decided to check it out. I had a few extra minutes to spare, so why not?

As I turned down it, i noticed it went way out of the city. “Must be a new county road,” I thought aloud, and proceeded to continue down it. There were some other cars here and there, mainly construction people I figured, and that's who they turned out to be i realized, as i passed a few houses going up.
A little ways past the third house, I noticed that a storm was coming up from the west, and fast. “Damn, how did I not notice that before?” I exclaimed to no one but myself. “That's gonna slow us down”. There were a few cars ahead of me in the opposite lane so I had to keep driving a bit before turning around.
Just as I was about to make a U-turn, A huge bolt of lightning struck the road about thirty feet in front of my car. It made me jump, causing the car to swerve off the road. As i veered off the road, into the empty fields, I saw that no other cars had noticed this. They were driving as usual. Did they not see the big storm coming? Did they not see that lighting bolt? All that thinking had me dazed. When I came out of it, i noticed i wasn't really in a field anymore, i was driving towards a lake. “There weren't any lakes around here? What is that?” I thought, trying to get a better view through all the rain that I noticed was now coming down furiously. And then I noticed that this lake wasn't a lake at all, It wasn't even water. It was the ground, liquifying in front of me. It's only a mirage from the heat, I told myself.
I looked back, and saw that i was only maybe 20 feet from the road. How did those people not see me? They didn't even have their wipers on, and it was pouring rain. They just kept driving as if nothing was going on. I turned back to see that liquified ground was now more like a tunnel going down. And then a thought occurred to me: Why was I still driving? Why didn't i just stop, and go back to the road? And with that, I pressed the brakes, slowed the car to a stop, and turned it off.
For a minute, I just sat there, looking at this swirling tunnel of liquid ground. What is that? I kept thinking. Before I realized it, the car was being pulled into the tunnel. I pressed the brakes. No effect. I then turned the car on, and put it in reverse. I floored it, and the tires started kicking up mud and water, and still, I kept moving closer to tunnel which now looked like a gaping chasm. I began to panic, and reached for the door handle. I gave it a pull, and it came clean off. I removed my seatbelt, and reached for the passenger door. That handle came off too. I was stuck. I started kicking at the window, but it wouldn't even crack. All I could do was sit there horrified, as my car fell into the chasm.
















Chapter One:

I awoke to a weird humming noise. At first i thought it was a pager, but then as I started to come to a bit more, I realized it was atually coming from a power genrator behind the car.
The car had suvived the fall, perfectly intact. I reached for the door handle. It opened with ease. I stepped out into what looked like a park, although it was more like an industrial zone than anything. The street lights had just come on, and I could see the sun setting in the west. It had to be about eight o'clock. I heard some kids playing on a junglegym a short distance away. I moved across the park, and looked for any sign that would give me some idea of where I was.
I seemed to be in the middle of a huge city. Tall buildings surrounded me on all sides. The sun, which was now almost completely gone, could only be seen through the spaces between the buildings. I gazed up at the top of the buildings. I saw something that looked very familiar.It was a GM symbol. I realized that I was actually looking at the renessance Center. The renessance center? How could that be? Was I actually in Detroit? The cityscape certainly resembled Detroit, but it looked different somehow, more developed, more safe, more correct. I decided that this place was Detroit. Now that I at least knew where I was, I could call someone, and tell them what happened. I'd been gone for at least four hours now, people must've been looking for me.
As I turned to go back to the car, I noticed four older men in suits examining it. As I approached them, they turned to me.
“Is this your vehicle sir?” The closest one to me asked. These guys all looked the same, like something out of a movie or whatever. Their suits all matched, they all wore the same stupid haircut. They even had the same wrist watch.
“Um... yeah, it's mine.” I replied, deciding there was no need to lie. What was the worst they could do? Make fun of it? I didn't have to wait long to find out. As soon as I said it was, they were on me. The biggest one tackled me to the ground, and attempted to handcuff me. “What the hell's going on here?” I yelled, but no one answered me. The biggest man picked me up and set me on my feet. Then fell over. I turned around, and to my suprise, there was a guy, maybe a few years younger than me standing with a bat in his hands.
“Quick! Let's get out of here before more come!” I didn't want to wait around to find out what would happen if more of these suited men showed up, so I agreed. We bolted out of the park, and across the street. We ran through an alley between two of the buildings i was admiring just minutes before. We took a left and crossed under a bridge with a train going across it, only it wasn't really a train, it was more of a shuttle that was floating over a track. I didn't have tim to worry about it, and kept running. We reached a building a few blocks past the bridge, on the south side of the road. We slowed down, and entered through a side door. It looked abandoned. I felt as if we were out of harm's way, so I decided to get some answers.
“Who the hell were those guys? And why did they want to arrest me?” I stammered, still out of breath.
“They didn't want to arrest you, they wanted to kill you.” He replied, not looking back. He really seemed to know where he was going.
“Kill me? Over my car being in a park? I don't think so. What's really going on here?” I asked again, hoping to get a better response this time. What I got was a question in return.
“What year is it?” The guy asked, keeping the same pace.
“What year is it?” I chuckled, thinking this kid was joking around or something. “It's 2004, everyone knows that. You get hit by one of those guys in suits or something?”
“So you're from 2004 huh?” He answered, slowing to turn into a stairwell. “Well do I ever have some news for you.”
We reached the top of the stairs, and we moved down a hall way with doors on both sides. It was obviously an old apartment building. The stranger opened a door right at the end of the hall, and we went in
The apartment was actually rather nice, for an abandoned one that is. It still had adaequate lighting, working plumbing, and a great view. The stranger sat down on the long couch against the far wall.
“First of all, I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Nick Saunders, and you're probably not going to believe what I'm about to tell you.”
I didn't care if I believed him at this point, I just wanted to know what those guys wanted with me. They couldn't really want to kill me, could they? I waited for the news.
“You belive the year is 2004, when actually the year is now 2351. You have travelled through time.” He was dead serious, not a single thing about him seemed like he was joking. But of course I still had to laugh.
“Twenty fourth century eh? That's a good one. How about telling me what those guys really wanted with me.” I responded, slowing my laughter. He remained completely serious as he spoke.
“Most people don't believe it either, when they first find out. The year is 2351, and the world is quite different from the one you know. There is only one government, and it controls everyone and everything. If you don't conform to the rules, you're punished, severely.”
“Punished severely? Like hurt?” I responded. I was confused, how is that any different from my world? Everyone wants to conform, sure, not everyone does, but almost everyone tries to.
“They will hurt you, or even kill you.” Nick answered, still not changing his tone.
“So those guys in suits, they're working for the government?” I asked, knowing the answer. “So that explains why they attacked me, I wasn't conforming to their rules against cars in the park!” I couldn't help it, I had to laugh. Nick just continued to sit there, all quiet and serious. I decided to lighten the mood a bit. I stuck out my hand and introduced myself.
“You're a funny one Nick. I'm Dan Treyemont, from 2004, nice to meet you.” I joked. His expression suddenly changed to a lighter mood.
“Dan Treyemont? As in “the” Dan Treyemont? They're really going to be happy I found you, now.” He exclaimed. Suddenly the room got darker. And that's when Nick tackled me.
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Old 05-22-2004, 03:20 AM   #2
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So, that's it, i just read it over, just work past the grammatical errors, it was written at 5am, and i forgot the grammar check, lol. Btw, the characters in this are mainly from FFR, sad, i know, but that's who they were in the dream. Anyways, i'd like to hear your comments on this guys, please.
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Old 05-22-2004, 03:23 AM   #3
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Whoa that's some freaky shit lol. It's good so far..hella confusing but good.
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Old 05-22-2004, 10:15 AM   #4
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way better than anything i'll every write. a few more metaphors, and try to group your dialogue together a bit more, the narrative kind of cuts into the scene and can be distracting when two people are talking. Other than that, it's great!
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Old 05-22-2004, 10:29 AM   #5
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Nice feel, considering it's a narrative piece. I would suggest more descriptive parts to give the audience a better sense of how the character is interpreting the surroundings though. A narrative is meant to sound like a fiction told through first person view so give it a shot, it'll keep your readers more deeply interested in the story. Take it from me, the Writing major xD.
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Old 05-24-2004, 02:02 AM   #6
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Thanks for the advice guys, i really appreciate it, i'm continuing with the story, and its coming along nicely, i might throw a few finished products around for further inspection (Liza that means you're getting one.) and i'll definately let you guys know when i'm done with it, in case anyone wants to get a copy off me.
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Old 05-24-2004, 02:36 AM   #7
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You got me on MSN Dan,just send it over
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Old 05-28-2004, 04:30 PM   #8
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*Starts slow clap which then esclaates to a thunders roar from everybody*

The basic plot is oldschool which is kinda cool for traditional reasons but you add some interesting twists.

Not too shaby keep up the good work
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