Old 11-13-2006, 04:10 PM   #1
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Default Newest Story

Just finished the alpha version of my newest short story and I am looking for some feedback on what I have so far. Ive been told it reminds people of the game Fallout, which I have never played so the striking resemblances surprised me.
http://mldb88.googlepages.com/thebarrens2 is the link, or at least i think it it. if not, you can find it from http://mldb88.googlepages.com/home
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Last edited by Magnafiend; 11-13-2006 at 04:10 PM.. Reason: forgot part of the link
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Old 11-21-2006, 06:05 PM   #2
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Default Re: Newest Story

Wow, that was the worst jumble of over-used sci-fi stereotypes I've read in a long time. Let me try to be civil about this.

1. Ace is the worst name for a character ever. This is not just personal preference, it is fact.

2. A screw up proving himself IS NOT a new or original concept. It's a boring archetype. If you are going to use a dime-a-dozen plot concept, please for the love of god, do SOMETHING original.

3. Female leads are not obligated to be attracted to male lead roles for no good reason at all. There was no reason whatsoever for it in this story, and it felt tacked on.

4. Epic FINAL BATTLES should be a little bit longer, more detailed, and much more interesting. They should also fit the threat at hand. Some epic defense system that wiped out a planet should not be destroyed that easily.

I could point out more critical flaws, but I would have to open up the story to point out specific things. I'm just not willing to do that.
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Old 11-21-2006, 06:27 PM   #3
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ahahahahaha, good call, mead

I am not going to read this.
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Old 11-27-2006, 12:45 PM   #4
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Default Re: Newest Story

"For God's sake Ace, I'm missing a stomach! Doctors don't grow organs on trees!"

Says the woman who is MISSING A STOMACH.
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Old 11-27-2006, 02:02 PM   #5
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Default Re: Newest Story

Quote:
Originally Posted by mead1 View Post
Some epic defense system that wiped out a planet should not be destroyed that easily.
Ever seen Star Wars?
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Old 11-27-2006, 05:48 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Afrobean View Post
Ever seen Star Wars?
Right, but they used a mystical force to blow up the Death Star... This ETES system just gets shot a lot by non-armor piercing bullets, and it's supposedly a creation that wiped out humanity.
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Old 11-27-2006, 11:13 PM   #7
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Default Re: Newest Story

the whole thing behind that is it was created at the peak of humanity, when weapon technologies were at their highest. therefore it had no defense system built in for such a primitive weapon because such a weapon did not exist at the time of its construction. not to mention it was one hell of a shot, and the non armor piercing shell just damaged the magnetic barrier generator.
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Old 11-27-2006, 11:17 PM   #8
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lets see you type that post without a stomach.
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