[rayword45]

Day 11: Believe by Justin Bieber (Album Choice: Bernard L)

God... Damnit.

I didn't have to choose this, but I wanted a modern American icon. Or at least what was an American icon. And even though he's basically totally irrelevant now, he was inarguably THE biggest name in American music for a while. I was gonna listen to this sooner or later. I was praying this was a short album, 48 minutes? That's 47 minutes too long okay enough bitching let's do this.

Good: Based on this first track, this album doesn't feature his horribly grating prepubescent voice.
Bad: Based on this first track, this album features his (slightly less so) horribly grating pubescent voice.

But I'm one who believes vocals are the least important aspect of music. Like, maybe you can't sing, but it's okay if you are a fantastic lyricist, if you have some strong instrumental chops (Electric Ladyland is my all-time favorite album), or if you can make some great arrangements that match your idiosyncratic voice (What's up /mu/? I'm namedropping Neutral Milk Hotel here). Bieber can't do any of that.

Holy shit, Boyfriend is so creepy it hurts. Is this voice meant to be seductive? I can't really speak much for that aspect, but as a straight male, that horrendously ghostly beat with the near-whisper rapping is just... violating. I feel safer listening to Burzum than this crap. And track 3 is that annoying song that used to be played several hundred times every day. I'm not gonna write down the name. I will say, surprisingly, that Bieber is the less disgusting part of this song. Sure, the effects on the "lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me love me" part are hideous, but not nearly as hideous as Big Sean's ABSOLUTELY GARBAGE RAPPING and that obnoxious dubstep background.

You know, Catching Feelings isn't so horrible. I find Bieber's voice annoying as ever, the lyrics are more generic bullshit and the production is cheesy as hell, BUT I am a sucker for fingerpicked melodies. If this was actually solo acoustic, I might actually ENJOY it. I'm not ashamed of saying that.

Okay, maybe I'm a little ashamed.

Holy shit, that little feeling of "this is not horrible" went away pretty quickly. Take You was pretty bad, and with Right Here I'm starting to get a headache. Drake's voice comes in, and I actually begin to feel physically sick. This is powerful music for what is a bunch of electronic diarrhea and obnoxious singing. I'm forcing myself to not take breaks besides Spotify ads, but HOLY CRAP I cannot express this feeling. The 3 songs following that one little ray of fingerpicking light have gotten my eyes watering, my gag reflexes working, vomit creeping up my throat, leg muscles sore, temples throbbing, I WISH I WAS LYING. I WISH I WAS EVEN EXAGGERATING. BUT WOW THIS IS HORRENDOUS. Thankfully, the quiet part of Fall allows for a nice break, and Die In Your Arms doesn't have any adverse bodily effects.

I was safe for a good 2 tracks and 4 seconds. I enjoyed the first 4 seconds of Beauty And A Beat, not recognizing it. Then Nicki Minaj's larynx had to make a sound.

Actual quote of mine: "You know I thiuhhhh *short breathing*"

What I was trying to say is "You know, instrumentally this song isn't horrible" but Bieber's treated vocals make you want a really, REALLY hot shower. Nicki Minaj, on the other hand, makes you want a lobotomy.

One Love caused me to realize two things:

1. Drum machines, when used improperly, are the most heinous instrument ever (Yeah I know this was probably just a loop and not an actual oldschool drum machine but whatever)
2. Bieber actually isn't NEARLY as bad as the features on this album. He's still bad, mind you, but when he's not coupled with some obnoxiously untalented rapper, his voice grates on you a little bit less. And even less when it isn't disgustingly electronicified I don't care if that's not a word.

Now, last two tracks. Be Alright is a second fingerpicking song, and maybe it's the past 41 minutes just killing me, but I can't say I would ever enjoy this in any context, unlike Catching Feelings. It's considerably less overproduced than Catching Feelings, but thirty times more annoying. The final track is also the title track, and... You know what, I'm done describing these individual songs.

Well, let me be honest, Bieber is probably the least of the offenders here. All of his features suck worse than him and clearly have less talent than him. The producers here did a HORRIBLE job with disgustingly treated vocals, obnoxious electronic backgrounds and really nasty production overall. And seeing how he's credited with about 300 other writers for every song here, I'm going to put blame on them too. SOMEONE, GO MAKE THOSE WRITERS QUIT THEIR JOB. Lyrically, this album isn't a joke. The lyrics aren't "laughable", they're real tearjerkers. Tearjerkers because YOU WANT TO STICK A KNIFE UP YOUR TEMPORAL CORTEX JESUS CHRIST THOSE LYRICS ARE BAD.

See, with that Springsteen album, I was too mean in the review. Here, I wasn't too mean at all. I was too fucking nice. Sure, Bieber is the least evil here, but it's still an evil. A BIG EVIL. I would rather suffer from tinnitus for the rest of my life than listen to this album ever again. Take note. If I ever get detained for any crime, the people who are looking me up can read this and know how to torture me. Jesus Christ.

Gross. Sickening. Nauseating. Put any of those words after "The album Believe by Justin Bieber is" and you've got a correct sentence. I have never listened to an album so... Gross. I've listened to albums and songs about vomit, farts, date rape, pedophiles, white supremacy, BDSM, and many other questionable subjects. And surprisingly some of those WEREN'T Frank Zappa songs. Despite all that, I have NEVER felt physically ill from listening to an album. Skillet may have given me a bad headache but never have I felt physically ill from listening to an album. I wasn't able to eat yogurt while listening to this album, and I gagged while brushing my teeth. THIS. IS. BAD. STUFF.

Best Track: FAR AND AWAY, Catching Feelings
Rating: 0.5/10