[Kairon]

Firstly, sorry for the long post. Secondly, I want to thank everyone who has shared things in this thread so far. Knowing you're not alone is an insanely powerful tool, more so than you realize.

Prologue:

I have depression including suicidal ideations as well as anxiety with panic attacks. The anxiety I have dealt with all my life — my dad died when I was 8 which exacerbated things, but my mother says she saw symptoms going back as far as kindergarten, and I remember panic attacks from at least 6th grade on.

Things took a turn for the worse last year when I entered a severe depressive episode, and had a bad interaction at work which led to me nearly steering my car into oncoming traffic (intentionally) on the way home. I subsequently lost my job because I no longer had the cognitive/emotional capacity to function as I did, and I spent around three months at the end of last year in a partial hospitalization program — intensive therapy for 6 hours a day, 5-6 days a week.

After the onset of this episode, I did two things that were meaningful to me.

#1: Once I knew I was going to be spending time in a mental health facility, I made this post on Facebook:

Real talk time:

I’ve been suffering from depression for a while now. I am on medication but it has reached a point of severity where I am actively seeking psychiatric hospitalization. I will probably be going through intensive treatment for at least the next couple weeks, and my intention is to post and joke* about it as much as can.

Three reasons for this:

1. I want to be honest about myself and this has become an incredibly impactful force at this point in my life. To not talk about it would be to not mention the elephant in the room after it had already trampled three dinner guests and shat in the salad bowl.

2. Joking helps me deal. And I know I'm not alone in that regard. The Venn diagram of comedians with depression and comedians who use stage time as therapy is a circle.

3. I want to distigmatize, demystify, and normalize as much as I can. Yeah, there's a lot more talking about mental illness these days but there's also still a lot of stigma, misinformation, prejudice, assumption, and flat-out bullshit surrounding it.

Here's what's actually happening: I have a problem and am seeking treatment for it. No different than cancer or a broken leg. I'm lucky in that I have identified this problem (with the help of multiple doctors and some very supportive loved ones) before doing something that would harm myself and, in turn, those I care about. I expect to come out of this experience better, but with the understanding that these are problems I will have to deal with throughout my life. And the benefit to you all is you get to be friends with the guy who made it out of the loony bin.

I know this is heavy stuff so here's a joke to kick things off:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I think I'm going to kill myself.
"I think I'm going to kill myself" who?
-silence-

*[Context: I perform standup comedy]

The result was an amazing outpouring of support, including people I hadn’t heard from in years messaging me to tell me they had gone through exactly what I was going through and/or that they would always be there if I needed someone to talk to. Obviously this type of broadcasting is not for everyone, but the underlying importance of reaching out cannot be understated. And I struggle with it a lot — I isolate, ignore, and push help aside. I wallow in loneliness. But I know that's something I have to actively combat, and there are tangible ways to do it. For example, I have a daily reminder in my phone that just tells me to make contact with someone that I know. Anybody. Whether it's in person, via phone, or just in the form of a text. It’s small, but it helps. I’m a firm believer in setting self-care goals that are not so large as to be overwhelming or so intangible as to be useless (“you just need to think more positively,” etc.).

#2: Last November, for my birthday, I got this tattoo:

If you haven’t seen it before, this is a reference to Project Semicolon. The idea is that in writing a semicolon can be used in lieu of a period, to continue on where a sentence might end. Thus, the semicolon stands for deciding to continue your story instead of ending it.

When I voiced the idea of getting it, one of my close friends who shares a lot of my experiences with mental illness asked something to the effect of, "Are you sure you want this permanently? These may be times you don't want to remember later on." I responded:

I get where you’re coming from. But for me, it represents much more than just my own personal struggles. It’s a reminder that I can’t stop advocating for mental health care and awareness, and that even when I make it through this I still need to be as passionate about it as I am right at this moment.

And I also have to remember that I owe so much to so many supportive people that have helped and are helping me make it through these painful moments. It’s a reminder that I was lucky enough to get to continue my story, and now maybe I get to help someone continue theirs — someone who might not be able to on their own.

And while there are times of my life, both now and in the past, that I would love to erase from my memory forever, some of that pain is what drives me to help others, because I know what it’s like to feel like everything is hopeless and agonizing, and the only way out is to jump into the void.

If every time I look at my wrist I remember darkness then that will make me want to fight that much harder to spread the light.

For me, my depression manifests primarily in feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. The hopelessness is probably the hardest to overcome when it hits. But the flip side of that is that it's easier for me to see worth and hope in others by comparison, so I realized that altruism could become a method for channelling my negative energy into outward momentum. I decided that a specific cause would allow for more focused acts, and for me, spreading mental illness awareness seemed like an obvious choice. So I've performed at and helped organize charity events, worked with my ex-girlfriend (a psychology pHd and professor with a focus on disability studies, as well as a depression sufferer) to develop educational content and workshops, and I do all the usual social media stuff as much as I can.

I’m not saying this to be self-aggrandizing — I’m not some great philanthropist, I can be as dumb and selfish and petty as the next guy. And I wouldn't call this type of selflessness perfectly healthy either, as I am effectively calling myself a lost cause. But having a purpose that gives me reason to turn my energy externally does stave off some of the darker moments and the net effect is ultimately positive.

Addendum — Three things to remember:

1. You can call the Suicide Hotline even if you're not suicidal. You won't get shipped off to an institution. If you just need to talk to someone, it's literally they're job to listen.

2. Mental illnesses are illnesses. Don't listen to anyone who says they aren't. Sometimes they require meds. Don't listen to anyone who says they don't.

3. One person’s treatment may not work for you, and vice versa. Try not to get discouraged, even if your search for treatment takes you through multiple medications/doctors/therapists/techniques/etc. I know the “lab rat” feeling very well. Remember that the people trying to help you are doing the best they can.

I could write more but I've probably far overstayed my welcome. I hope something here is helpful. Feel free to message me if you want. I'm a good listening ear.