When I find a song I really enjoy (listen to over and over for hours), it tends to amplify whatever emotions I am feeling at the time while the lyrics also contribute to my thoughts, and because I like the song, I listen to it for hours before eventually not liking the song as much anymore, or being so filled with emotion that I tire myself out (I realized this today).
Now, let me tell you an ironic story. A few years ago I tried to kill myself. I swallowed a lot of pills, but because of my internal anguish, I made a post about it on FFR. People on FFR called an ambulance for me, I survived, etc.
What caused all this was because a new song came out and it had amplified my emotions at a time when I was feeling very depressed, and I literally acted without rational thought and on emotions. The irony was that it was supposed to be an inspirational song (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJPc49z57bU). In the song, it had a theme of "going all the way", at a time I was really really depressed, which I assume made me feel like going "all the way".
I realized this because two days ago I listened to an undertale song for hours, and I was filled with great happiness, I was excited because a graduation party was the next day, I was going to attend it even though I thought I might leave to go home early because of depression like the last party I went to.
The party came and went, I had a lot of fun, I was so glad. Two days later (today), I found a new song I really loved the melody and sounds of. When I had first heard it when it came out, I didn't want to listen to it, because I didn't like the lyrics (I wanna die, die die by Tom Ska), but today I randomly came across it again and decided to listen to it, as I am pretty much over my depression. I love the melody so much that I have been listening to it for the past hour.
As I was listening, I started remembering all the little things that happened at the party, things that I regretted saying or did, reflecting on what I should have said or done and what I am anxious about that could happen at the next party this Thursday, soon feeling a more intense regret.
Hearing this song talking about wanting to die, it has reminded me I don't enjoy existing.
But at this point in my life I fear death, or more specifically, I fear the pain and sadness that comes with death. I have always feared pain, and after knowing the pain I felt from the suicide attempt, I have wanted to avoid dying as much as possible. Also, I recently went into a phase of being interested in watching people die (on the internet), and watching those people die, I felt sadness, empathy.. At that time it was cemented into me even more that death was painful, it is awful, I also felt the empathy that others would feel if I died, I saw that death is not something to want.
So it lead me to wonder, if I don't enjoy existing, and I don't want to kill myself, what do I do? I am somewhat inconclusive, but right now I am living in the moment as much as I can so I don't gather ruminating thoughts, always giving myself a short term purpose, not caring about the future until further notice.
Music will always be a large part of my life. I don't regret that suicide attempt I made while I was intoxicated on my emotions, I am thankful I acted then and there while I wasn't thinking straight, instead of making a different attempt after I eventually would have succumbed to my ruminating thoughts anyway, in which I would have been more likely to actually have died because I would have been able to think more clearly on more effective ways to end my life.
Basically, if I had not attempted when I did, I would have attempted sooner or later anyway, but with a more thought out attempt due to my thoughts not being clouded by my emotions so much, so I am glad I wasn't able to think straight at the time because of music, because I was able to avoid having to go through even more immense pain caused by a more well thought out suicide attempt.
TL;DR I love music and have come to terms with my depression because of music!