[qrrbrbirbel]

tbh not a lot of good, but finding out a lot of this has at least set me in somewhat of a direction to follow.

finding out about my autism made a lot of stuff make sense.

been going through autistic burnout for years without knowing what it was cuz i could never afford/deal with doctors. no matter how much i cared about something i could just up and lose all motivation to do anything about anything for days/weeks/months.

anything aside from (and sometimes not even those) basic necessities were/are regularly out of my grasp.

biggest plus out of all this is i'm getting better at not feeling ashamed for being such a mishmashy wreck after a literal lifetime of some form of abuse lol. also trying to communicate this better without getting too dumpy meeting new people but even trying to warn people about the state i'm in i dont have a whole lot of friends still ^_^;

the communicating progress led to confronting people close to me about boundaries that i'm awful at making or deciding whether or not they should even be there or how firm they should be. lots of research on healthy communication and confrontation and not a lot of people handled it well, so that dwindled my circle even smaller (i still dont talk to my mom, as she took me reaching out going to the ER for my mental health and made it about her in 2 texts [new record!])

this led to me focusing on me, but yet again i experienced the reoccuring event in my life where whenever i try and do just that, i get shamed and gaslit by those around me for not providing more. even tho i have a dental nightmare that will cost thousands of dollars to fix if its even fixable, or extreme anxiety that i cant afford therapy or medication for; or the positive things like getting the lyrics and songs ive been working on produced on fiver, making my room into a cool scooby doo-mansion-style one, reworking my wardrobe into nothing but comfy clothes aside from work stuff.

Trying to repair the relationship with my best friend but she's like smart and not smart about stuff (i think mostly because of her age and how trauma has stunted growth in certain emotional aspects) so progress has been slow. Most of my efforts were met with an unresponsive attitude of 'ok', and instead i saw those same efforts enacted in the person that would basically become my replacement. This was brought up and she could recognize it but there was no real resolution on if it was something i did (which would suck because i did everything i could think of to close the rift and bring us closer [including distance]), or if it was something unresolved in her that was causing her to push away healthy communication. This has all happened over the span of 3 years, and its been real hard to watch her get further away with almost no information on why its happening, like all this time i've just wanted to know. For being such a fan of horror films she sure is scared of answering honest questions lol.
anyways we're just kinda meh now and im settling into my 'if they come into my life great, if not thats great too' mentality with all people

struggling with people pleasing and giving too much too fast, which can scare some away and attract people that will use me that i have a hard time noticing their red flags. now im too scared to make the first move in anything, but life has shown me that if i'm not the one putting in effort then there is no friendship or relationship, so i'm stuck in a catch 22 where both prospects will seem to end in failure. coupled with the new knowledge that neurotypical people have a chance to hate me for no reason other than they can tell that i'm neurodivergent is frustrating and relieving. at least i know why some people hate me when i cant surmise the answer.

all in all tho, i spend a lot of time researching traits/symptoms and comparing and doing my best to see the benefits of using tools and techniques to treat what i think will benefit my unique situation. i try to keep in mind that i'm not a specialist and look at any detriments said tools would cause if used for the wrong things, and i'm not taking any medicine for anything either as treatment.
things usually get better the more i learn, but making the world understand is super hard. it's like missing a leg, and when you try to explain it to people and give them numerous examples that they themselves have seen, they have no idea why you can't move like a two-legged person (or tldr, patrick makes sense meme)
"oh you were hit in the head with a cast iron skillet when you were asleep with a fever? how does that have anything to do with your memory issues?" its just O_O

so big tldr im a hermit and goin through childhood v2