[SpookG]

For a period of my life I was actually suicidal, and almost did it several times.. It is something, like most things,people don't understand until they have been through it.. I suppose I should explain what was going on..

I had a "unique" medical condition, in that my left shoulder, dominant shoulder, was not functioning properly. They tried every test known to man and couldn't find anything wrong with me. I couldn't wave to someone without risking falling to my knees in pain. I had to take pain medication for an unknown reason for about two years, and it didn't even make the pain go away, but took it down from unbearable to manageable. Pills would wear off quicker and I had to keep taking more..

I was in a band then, and i couldn't play guitar.. I couldn't play sports, and sometimes I couldn't write or type, wash my hair, eat food, etc.. On top of that, my parents were going through a terrible divorce, no one really understood my situation, or let alone understood that I was seriously ill because I looked fine on the outside..

The pain ALWAYS got worse.. like you think "this is the worst it could do" and then it would hurt more, and all you can do is just lie there motionless and scream. My blood thinned from the pills, and I began to have an ulcer on top of it, but the doctors weren't sure what to do with me. Normal cuts bled like i ruptured arteries.. i was a mess..and I began to wonder, "why me? why can't i play ball like everyone else?" I sunk into a heavy depressive state because of it.

Chronic pain sucks, and after about a 2 and a half years it was hell waking up, because every time I did it would be because pain pills wore off and i was in terrible pain, and then having to go through a day knowing what could happen, and living in six hour intervals, which is when you would top off with pills again. Crippling pain,v eyes blurrin, teeth grinding, fist clenching pain.. you can't move.. and all you want to do is tear out the part of your body where it is coming from to make it better, or if nothing else, feel different.

you could never sit comfortably, not ever get it completely off your mind, not being able to remember what it feels like to not be in pain, or remember a time you weren't..


Talk all the shit you want, but if i had a friend in as much pain as me, or more, then I would be upset they killed themselves, but i wouldn't hold it against them..

and if you still got shit with it, then like i said, you just don't know what pain really is.