Hey, I wanted to take time and thank you for your assessment and fresh perspective on the topic. I think it's a viewpoint we both share in that we may notice that the people around us could potentially place greater emphasis towards self-evaluation and improvement as the means to, well...progress in life, work, personally, etc. for a lack of better description.
I've noted that initially recognizing the underlying issues as certainly the grassroots, and perhaps, only truly effective way to go about it. Progress has always felt slow, but steady, for me. Perhaps the pace varies on an individual basis and we can still appreciate that forward progress is still progress and that the frame of mind to continually seek out improvement is in place at the very least.
Suicidal ideation is something that first sunk in when I was around 15 years of age has sat in the back of my mind ever since. And I can only recall one prior event where I had made preparations 4 years prior, but decided against it last minute. I think suicide is something that would go against all my logic and reasoning, especially because it would essentially negate every meaningful action I have taken to persevere up to this point; and deep down, it might even be something I look down/frown upon. It seems that I only give this area thought when I feel as if I'm backed into a corner and the uncertainty becomes more than I'm able to deal with.
Unfortunately, I did not find the sessions with that previous psychiatrist particularly helpful and sensed the implication of judgement; the patient-provider chemistry just wasn't there. I'd have to continue seeking out the "right" professional to continue those consultations, which would be time consuming. (and not something I'd particularly care for at this time to have any agency being able to readily pull that up from my medical records.)
Rather, my recent steps are setting aside the time of day for my hobbies, socialize with my friends when I can, and doing physical training in the case I'm selected for fire academy. I find that doing these things improves my headspace, establishes routine, and overall could sufficiently benefit to muddle through this rough patch with consistency and discipline.
You are absolutely correct in that the "ideal candidate" is extremely rare and perhaps non-existent because most of us have all done things that we are not proud of or struggled in the past. Of course, everyone I know in career had the foundational benchmarks, but they also knew how to frame themselves by not oversharing their stories. The fire department is also aware that all sorts of mental health risks will inevitably manifest in their personnel and have a lot of measures and resources in place for that. It's all very confusing to me because firehouse culture is all about expanding limitations and personal development. Yet, it seems that I need to be a member first before I get the "nobody's perfect treatment and level of understanding".
I suppose the only thing I've ever wanted is to be accepted and to prove that I am good/reliable at what I do from a proven track record at the highest level. And being accepted into a fire agency that believes and invests in me would enable this. You're also correct that agencies greatly invest monetary, instructor personnel, equipment, etc. in regards to training apprentice personnel and they will try to ensure that they are retained, as to not waste resources. I remember getting help for my statistics assignment from this site
https://essays.edubirdie.com/statistic-assignment-help it has a lot of essays and not only! The job security, ability to come forth with my issues without issue, and access to the systems that they have in place is definitely a major motive for me should the need ever arise.
All in all, I've come to better terms that there's not much action I can take in time to affect the outcome. I can only try my best in that moment and be mentally prepared to accept either outcome, whatever it may be.
I'll keep your thoughtful response in mind moving forward. Thank you, again.