[Jetfire300]

Originally Posted by gold stinger

So, a couple of things.

You have a genuinely good thought process for acknowledging the issues that you are facing, taking note of them, and potentially trying to work towards a fix for them. A long-time living quote that I've personally lived by, is that "the first step to fixing a problem, is acknowledging that you have a problem to begin with". This is because there are just so many situations out there in the world where people do not acknowledge their own behavioral issues or problems that they create in day-to-day life since they're so engraved with who they are as a person and their day-to-day routine, that they never notice or acknowledge it as being a problem. You have acknowledged this, and have reached out to a Psychiatrist about it in the past. I think it would be worth reaching out to the same Psychiatrist about possibly some other thoughts that you've brought up in this thread as well, to help address specifically why you may feel that suicide is a best decision in a worst-case scenario, because it is not. The fact that you can diagnose issues and work towards remedying them means that you can always try it again with a few more issues fixed and see if that works instead of giving up because you don't know what the issue is or why something is not working.

I am not familiar on the selection process for firefighters but it seems like you've done a lot of reading and research into the position. I will say that it is very common that people will look for the absolute best-fitting role for any work or job occupation position in the work force, but also that rarely anyone can fit as a 'perfect role model' when it comes to said job occupation. Not everyone on the firefighting team is going to be that stereotypical 6-pack muscle-hauling, bench-pressing macho man without a shirt 24/7 that make the women giggle when they flex, and also have zero fear of fire or death. There's also a lot of training that goes in after hiring to make people full-fledged firefighters if I recall correctly as well, so it seems just a bit disingenuous to try to have yourself live up to the full potential of what makes the perfect firefighter, and that may be stacking against yourself with extra stress as you try to make it through these tests and exams for your application.

I understand that you feel like lying in order to bypass a lot of your current issues (especially given you've tried telling the truth in the past and been shut down by it before), but as long as you keep in mind that you're actively working on those issues to better them, I personally think a bit of lying is ok (tautly dubbed the 'white-lie'). You also don't need to tell anyone you're doing tests/exams with the full story. You can simply leave it at "I'm seeking help on it and actively exploring solutions to it" or "working towards fixes with a therapist" if it comes push to shove.

I hope what I explained here gives some thought and deliberation about why suicide shouldn't be a last-end option, because you really do have a strong mind for acknowledging issues and finding fixes. Hopefully a better answer here than simply just 'suicide bad, see a professional'. You have the ability to make meaningful gains and solutions as a problem-solver, and I think that would be an incredible skill to bring over into firefighting, as many are required to think on the fly with the scenario and the landscape changing around them.

Hey, I wanted to take time and thank you for your assessment and fresh perspective on the topic. I think it's a viewpoint we both share in that we may notice that the people around us could potentially place greater emphasis towards self-evaluation and improvement as the means to, well...progress in life, work, personally, etc. for a lack of better description.

I've noted that initially recognizing the underlying issues as certainly the grassroots, and perhaps, only truly effective way to go about it. Progress has always felt slow, but steady, for me. Perhaps the pace varies on an individual basis and we can still appreciate that forward progress is still progress and that the frame of mind to continually seek out improvement is in place at the very least.

Suicidal ideation is something that first sunk in when I was around 15 years of age has sat in the back of my mind ever since. And I can only recall one prior event where I had made preparations 4 years prior, but decided against it last minute. I think suicide is something that would go against all my logic and reasoning, especially because it would essentially negate every meaningful action I have taken to persevere up to this point; and deep down, it might even be something I look down/frown upon. It seems that I only give this area thought when I feel as if I'm backed into a corner and the uncertainty becomes more than I'm able to deal with.

Unfortunately, I did not find the sessions with that previous psychiatrist particularly helpful and sensed the implication of judgement; the patient-provider chemistry just wasn't there. I'd have to continue seeking out the "right" professional to continue those consultations, which would be time consuming. (and not something I'd particularly care for at this time to have any agency being able to readily pull that up from my medical records.)

Rather, my recent steps are setting aside the time of day for my hobbies, socialize with my friends when I can, and doing physical training in the case I'm selected for fire academy. I find that doing these things improves my headspace, establishes routine, and overall could sufficiently benefit to muddle through this rough patch with consistency and discipline.

You are absolutely correct in that the "ideal candidate" is extremely rare and perhaps non-existent because most of us have all done things that we are not proud of or struggled in the past. Of course, everyone I know in career had the foundational benchmarks, but they also knew how to frame themselves by not oversharing their stories. The fire department is also aware that all sorts of mental health risks will inevitably manifest in their personnel and have a lot of measures and resources in place for that. It's all very confusing to me because firehouse culture is all about expanding limitations and personal development. Yet, it seems that I need to be a member first before I get the "nobody's perfect treatment and level of understanding".

I suppose the only thing I've ever wanted is to be accepted and to prove that I am good/reliable at what I do from a proven track record at the highest level. And being accepted into a fire agency that believes and invests in me would enable this. You're also correct that agencies greatly invest monetary, instructor personnel, equipment, etc. in regards to training apprentice personnel and they will try to ensure that they are retained, as to not waste resources. The job security, ability to come forth with my issues without issue, and access to the systems that they have in place is definitely a major motive for me should the need ever arise.

All in all, I've come to better terms that there's not much action I can take in time to affect the outcome. I can only try my best in that moment and be mentally prepared to accept either outcome, whatever it may be.

I'll keep your thoughtful response in mind moving forward. Thank you, again.