[Svaz]

IDK your precise context, but I do know my own with alcohol, I can at least speak to that much. I’ve never properly addressed my mental state in a clinical context outside of getting diagnoses off the books (you sure can get away with this shit working medically I suppose) so unfortunately no good insights there.

I try to set up really specific contexts for when I drink and limit how much I have around the house (generally effective as I feel awkward when people at the VAbc know my face). One big thing I do is always ensure I only drink in a social context — if I drink alone it’s more liable to get out of control and go to some dark places, not to mention the sleep is never good just because of how alcohol metabolizes. I’m not always perfect about this — lately I’ve had virtually no social life and people I can drink with so I’ve been just boozing some weekends with friends over discord (and OK yes this is why I spilled beer all over my laptop and have no computer outside of mobile right now. I’m stupid lol)

I think the last bit is important because of one thing, people you know over the internet count as real people and real friends so think of them/us that way. You’ve always got a whole ass community filled with people that genuinely give a shit about and even empathize with you where other people you might know through other means just don’t get as vulnerable or as open with you for whatever social standards they operate on. We’re always here for you and each other dude

I will probably never experience the pressure of being an immigrant properly (I’ve only been an occasional stranger in a foreign country) but I know there are definitely other people here who’ve lived that path too. One other thing, in my experience setting up goals for yourself is great but the good feeling from achievement dissipates when I start comparing myself to the external successes of others, perhaps this is some basic bitch shit, but comparision really is the thief of joy and can get you feeling shitty in no time.

Also I don’t think you should feel silly or awkward or embarrassed over a thread like this, I mean I’ve made similar posts myself so who would I be to judge? I think the beauty of something like this is that it allows you to express yourself more directly than you would in another social context and it’s important you’re still willing to rather than giving in to the passive and active death wishes. Fwiw I’ve given serious thought into barreling my car and body into the underside of an overpass more times than I can count, but the will to fight that impulse is tantamount.

What helped me assuage stuff like that a little more is reflecting or even journaling shit that made the day worth it, even if it’s not expressly happiness because you might not find that right away each day, some days you might not find it at all. I think you managed to do that even here already a little bit, from gratitude towards other posters to even mentioning Jess. Granted I’m not at the point where it’s totally gone, maybe that time will never come, but I can peacefully resolve it a little better rather than trying to drown it out and probably puking and crying after.

Life is ducking bullshit and I think pretty much everyone here can empathize with that on some level. It might make her cry but leveling with your mom on how you’re feeling might be worth it, it sounds at least like she’s coming from a place of concern and love.

One last note, you could try working some of this real shit into your routine, it can make some great material, Marie Bamford is a good example of that imo