There 0nce was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small c0untry in S0uth America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.
0ne day, he was sitting in a c0ffeesh0p with a few friends, when the t0pic 0f the electi0n f0r may0r came up. 0ne 0f his friends said 'Hey Juan, why d0n't y0u run? Y0u're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends f0r their kindness, but they were persistant, as they sh0uld be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, 0r his kids, 0r the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and p0sted a few signs 0ut t0 ann0unce his candidacy; he th0ught 0f it as kinda a j0ke Well, as it turned 0ut, when w0rd g0t ar0und that Juan was running, his p0pularity grew fast. 'W0w, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he d0esn't beat his wife, 0r his kids!' 'Yeah, n0r the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, t0 n0b0dies surprise (except Juan), he w0n by a landslide (the 0ther candidate was 0liver N0rth), and was sw0rn int0 0ffice with a very surprised l00k 0n his face. Well, he saw that there was d0 getting 0ut 0f it, s0 he decided t0 d0 his best.
And his best was quite g00d. The t0wn pr0spered like it never had bef0re. The crime f0r the year c0nsisted 0f s0me0ne dr0pping a l0llip0p stick 0n the sidewalk. He spent 6% 0f the budget, and d0nated the rest t0 the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The t0wnspe0ple were ecstatic, and his perf0rmance turned a l0t 0f heads. Every0ne in the t0wn was thrilled with Juan as may0r; he didn't beat his wife, 0r his kids, 0r the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end 0f the year, with his term alm0st up, Juan was pretty p00ped. As he sat in the c0ffeesh0p with his friends, reflecting 0n the year, 0ne suggested that, despite the t0wn's success, the pr0vince was in s0me financial tr0uble. 'Heck, with Juan's rec0rd, he sh0uld be g0vern0r!' an0ther smiled. Juan w0ndered why every0ne's eyes lit up suddenly. Within h0urs the campaign was 0n. All the ads and p0sters had the same theme: 'V0te f0r Juan! He d0esn't beat his wife, 0r his kids, 0r the aardvark in the backyard!' When electi0n day came, there was n0 d0ubt ab0ut the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. G0verner Juan sat back in his padded chair and went t0 w0rk 0nce again.
His rec0rd was brilliant f0r the tw0 years he spent as g0vern0r. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, educati0n r0se sharply, and the pr0vince's S0ccer Team s0ld 0ut every game that Juan attended (he was a big S0ccer Buff). The wh0le c0untry was n0w buzzing with Juan;s w0rk. Every0ne c0mmented h0w he was such a great guy, h0w he didn't beat his wife, h0w he didn't beat his kids, and h0w he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was sh0t. This meant that they needed a new president. N0rmally, they w0uld turn t0 the vice-president, except f0r the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer. Hmm. The G0vern0rs g0t t0gether t0 decide 0n a new President f0r the remaining three years 0f the term. Each 0ne walked int0 the r00m with a mailsack full 0f letters, all 0f which has similar messages: 'Juan f0r President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'H0w can y0u n0t select Juan? He d0esn't beat his wife, d0esn't beat his kids, and d0esn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else d0 y0u want?' T0 make a very l0ng st0ry n0t quite as l0ng, Juan was quickly named president, and the c0untry was glad he did. The c0untry pr0spered; new trade agreements were made, 0ld disputes were settled, and there was peace thr0ugh0ut the c0untry. Juan was a nati0nal her0. 0ne day Juan came h0me fr0m w0rk exhausted. He put his briefcase d0wn and pl0pped d0wn in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He c0uldn't c0ncentrate...pressure fr0m every0ne...l0bbiests want this...g0vern0rs want that....every0ne wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan l00ked 0ut the wind0w int0 the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was 0ut there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The m0n0t0n0us repetiti0n snapped s0mething in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside 0f him, s0mething evil and unc0ntr0llable. He st00d Unf0rtunatelty f0r Juan, his neighb0ur heard the CRACKs and quickly m0ved the telesc0pe fr0m Juan's upstairs wind0w, where his daughter was undressing, d0wn t0 the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately ph0ned the p0lice, and within h0urs, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed t0 the h0spital, and the telesc0pe back up t0 the upstairs wind0w. The c0untry was h0rrified, and the citizens called f0r n0thing less than the usual penalty given 0ut f0r this type 0f crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was t0 be carried 0ut swiftly. Juan st00d there, br0ken and insane.
The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and with0ut warning, the aardvark leapt fr0m the shad0ws, aimed at Juan and fired a g0lf gun. The sh0t b00med thr0ugh0ut the t0wn, and the sh0t itself went clear thr0ugh Juan's heart and 0ut his back.
Y0u may be asking y0urself in between s0bs what a g0lf gun is? This in itself is the m0rale 0f the st0ry....
The answer...well, I d0n't kn0w. But it sure made a h0le-in-Juan.
