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As far as life stuff: put in a spoiler to as to not stretch the page. This still leaves a shitton out, to be honest. But it serves as a good summary of things. |
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yay you did it thanks for sharing halogen
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i don't think anyone overshared really 'cause it's hard to over share when you're asked to post your entire life. though i get that it makes you feel vulnerable. i've had to let go of that personally 'cause i had to reach out for help earlier this year Quote:
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Guess since people are opening up about a lot of stuff, I should make the attempt, though I'm still going to have to leave some stuff out.
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the short of it is that the source of my childhood trauma is my father coming out as trans ~15 years ago or so, and the immense pain that entire process caused in myself, my sister, and my mother especially
given what I know about the denizens of this site, I've really been waffling about whether or not it's a good thing to share those experiences here. because there are a lot of unhappy, miserable truths about the trans experience. I'm not transphobic, and this trauma came to help me understand the LGBT experience as a child, but I'm not sure if it's "right" to share |
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Nor do I think anybody here is going to think that having a struggle to reconcile "my father" and "trans" makes you transphobic. Having trouble coming to terms with it is natural and expected, but that assumes that you're not denying the reality of it, or refusing to try to make efforts to integrate this information into your interactions. |
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I haven't really posted in the FFR forums for a long time, but the older life story thread was one of my favourite threads, and I wanted an avenue to talk about my personal problems.
My writing is probably really disorganised (it's 3am), but I think that's a decent enough summary of what I had gone through over my life. It's definitely not as bad as many people here, but I ultimately just wanted a place to write down how I've been feeling over the past few years. I also just wanted to thank the FFR community (and other rhythm game communities too) for making me feel at home for so long. I don't talk to most of the people that I talked to in 2011-2012 or so today, but I just wanted to say thanks to them for having me around and dealing with my garbage when I was much younger. |
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glad that stuff is going as well as it has been despite setbacks you really weren't a prick back in 2012 and I'm not just saying that |
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but I'm not going to sugar-coat it, it was a truly awful situation for everyone involved. It's not about accepting this person's new identity, that was always a given. it's the reconciliation of this new person (who has largely been absent since then) with the few remaining images of "my dad" I have from childhood. occasionally I meet with my dad and he'll do or say something that reminds me of how he used to be and my brain can't process it and I almost pass out/have a seizure me reconnecting with my dad relieves a bit of my guilt complex but the cognitive dissonance is still a major obstacle for me |
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I think it's pretty reasonable that if someone becomes someone else that you're not expected to automatically like the new them just because, especially when they act like a wholly different person.
It sucks that it was someone so close to you though; I feel where you're coming from. |
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i dont have the balls or the desire or the attention span to be that introspective and honest on my own let alone write it down and share it with you guys sorry
does that count |
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All of us in rhythm gaming think of you in extremely high regard, not even for the game itself (in which you were extremely good at regardless) but for how you acted and helped and tried to nurture the game, even while not playing. Many many people learned charting by reading your guides for example, and hell, even to this day we call getting a 92.99 on a song a 99.eze lol. To explain why I even mentioned the rhythm game part of your life is to create the point that though you were loved, it must have felt suffocating to think of asking for help in a group of people who thought of you so highly, like being afraid to show weakness, and that sucks. I'm glad to hear that you are working and progressing towards becoming happy and finding meaning, good luck. It sounds like you would make for an amazing therapist. |
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Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. For some it might have been harder than we thought so I appreciate the opportunity to have a glimpse into your lives. Feels like I've gotten to know a few of you better
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reading some of this stuff makes me want to remember what else happened in my life but it's all blank :v I guess that makes me potentially one of the lucky ones??
I could maybe distill my lesser attributes of finding it hard to relate with you guys with what feels like such a blurry past as being almost negative at times, and I get in that state of feeling like "eh I don't need people anyways" which I know isn't a healthy way to feel rip I guess what makes it ironic is I equalize my irrational negativity with the very thing that causes it continuing to be self absorbed and convincing myself "that's not who I am in this subsequent time and place" and a lot of space gets filled with neutrality up until If I'm not making an effort to go up I slowly fall down :v Maybe if I continue through this slow articulation then things of detail will come back to me like puzzle pieces but then ... I'd actually be responding to the thread topic in a way that makes sense and I for whatever f all reason (psychologically?) feel I didn't get the 'perfect' communication across and thus subject to implication or derail. I give tons of people credit over the years of wanting to know me but I simply always reverted back to my own bubble or comforting contemplation on aspects of life people do with out thought :I |
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I do have dreams about the better events sometimes so I count those as sort of blessings, I don't have dreams of the abuse anymore |
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I only dream about weird shit like monkeys with dicks under their ballsacks and running up ramps in grocery stores flying out the roof and falling in slow motion :v
I even had a dream that I was in a bathroom stall in newyork city were cops were trying to hunt me down to force me to watch a samurai jack ghost in the shell cross over were a human family was in a sphere like space craft with water and their brains were seperated from their heads but they were still talking to eachother :U edit: no rly i'm not typing this stuff to be funny |
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anyway life update to my story: turns out the bro who tried to kill me actually did go to therapy for it. tho my parents never told me and i tried to press charges on him 'cause i told them it was therapy or i was going to the police about it two month old salt incoming but how is the statute of limitations for attempted murder less than a year isnt it not |
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I guess I can contribute here.
As some of you know I run an airport for a living. It's a very stressful job which has literally desensitized me to the sight of dead bodies. We had a suicide earlier this year, and a fatal accident during the expansion project. Oh and a dead body randomly turned up in the lake as well. I'm also constantly reminded that my dad died on my front porch every time I come home, so there's that too |
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in the same boat as staiain in that the reason life sucks sometimes is because I never finish what I want to say and have trouble organizing / articulating thoughts
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BLANKY!!!!
ok life update tho IM A CITIZEN AND I HAVE 3 MONTHS 3 WKS CLEAN onto tha next month 8) also finally formulating a plan for next year/two years. thinking of getting an ladc and sticking around recovery because it makes me happy |
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grats!!!
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Summer solstice baby. Florida native. Been living in Texas since 1995 (when I was 7). Went into the US Army at 26 years old (one of the older recruits in my Company). Left after my initial contract of 3 years, 21 weeks. Almost went back in recently. I was only offered 11X or 13B. I declined. I currently work for Amazon. Going to University for Art History, Health, or Communications starting Fall 2020.
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I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.
My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there. There's a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15. It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tom boy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people. So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once. I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy. He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. Ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. Didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. Got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life. 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Wow~
Impressed by how strong so many people are here. I've had a way way way easier life than most of the people posting and I'm not entirely sure what to say. But hopefully posting on here and having a semi-anonymous community to talk to brings some kind of healing, and a space to process. Hope you all continue to find happiness and grow and enjoy the better lives you all deserve. |
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heck yeah the threads coming back to life. thanks for sharing psychoangel and dotkritic! |
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Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.
Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped. It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another. (so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit... Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of. So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease. Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t. Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts. Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way. |
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one time in summer camp this girl was scratching my ass and she wanted me to scratch hers too but I was like ehhh naw
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Just wanna say I’ve read all of these and y’all are way braver than I am
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Fuck it, been a few hours lets see how much more I can get out of myself here. Alright so left off in 2007, specifically Feb when I had to have surgery, no medical insurance etc etc. So my then ex was living with me in my dad’s apartment as I mentioned, he wasn’t necessarily the worst guy but he was fucking around with the stripper chick that lived next door and could never hold a fucking job so whatever. I eventually said get out, it was extremely hard for me because I was incredibly attached to his son and his family. We were supposed to get married, had been together for 2yrs by this point. It was tough to let go, but I couldn’t keep going the way things were going. So this all probably sounds weird ‘cause he was already an ex but still staying with me, so I’d also sort of started seeing a friend of mine. It wasn’t anything serious until my ex left, then he moved in with me and we were supposed to keep the apartment together. But alas, another dude that for some reason couldn’t hold a job. He was even offered work by my mom’s then-boyfriend doing demolition and it paid well. I remember he’d agreed to it then was like “I’m not going” I didn’t want to leave the guy hanging so I went and I did the work. I wasn’t that far out of surgery either so that kind of pisses me off. Anyway, I couldn’t really afford to keep the apartment so we moved into his old room at his dad’s house. This only lasted a few months before he decided to start going out and cheating on me. So off to my mother’s place I went again for a while. So I was working, just trying to get my life together when all of a sudden I got a random tongue swell. I’d assumed I somehow developed some sort of food allergy. I was also having a lot of issues with major dizzy spells and generally feeling unwell. So started the fun of going through doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital and specialist after specialist. Now at this point, I did have some insurance, not great insurance but at least something. I also at some point discovered that there was a massive leak in a car I was financing from this shitty bad credit car dealerships. So it was mold-infested in the headliner and I never knew it, probably what was making me sick. But of course no one would help me and I couldn’t get any legal action taken against the dealer. Finally, I met with an allergist that after testing me for like every food allergy ever had a lightbulb moment and tested me for hereditary angioedema. The test came back positive for this shitty ass condition with no cure and at the time basically no treatment options. So here I was with this diagnosis and mold toxicity issues, I couldn’t work which pissed my mom off of course. She couldn’t possibly understand how fucked up I was at the time apparently. Because of the tongue swelling, I basically stopped eating all together aside from like a single piece of chicken in a day and some mashed potatoes. I was terrified something would trigger another swelling attack. So I avoided everything. Then all the medical bills came in, well, thanks to my new diagnosis the insurance company claimed pre-existing condition and denied all my claims. So yay for more medical debts \o/ Since I was confined to my room I spent a lot of time online, where I eventually found what would be my next wonderful relationship. I don’t remember exactly what we met on now because there were a few social media things in 2008, I’m actually leaving out another boyfriend from before the diagnosis that cheated and lied to me, but that’s the majority of people I’ve dated anyway. So, I finally agree to start hanging out with him, you know just friends for starters but I explained to him I wasn’t well. He was fine with it. We started hanging out a lot then eventually dating. My mom lost her shit and told me to get out yet again because I wasn’t being exactly what she wanted me to be. She couldn’t understand the horrible anxiety attacks I’d started having by this point too. So I ended up moving into my bf’s parent’s place with him. Things were going sort of okay, there were definitely a lot of great moments, but as it turned out he was a drug addict and was sneaking shit behind my back. I’d notice odd behavior here and there and eventually, I found out. I still stuck around, thought I could be a rock to help him move on from it cause he expressed wanting to. I tried to get working again but it didn’t last long because I still wasn’t feeling great and was having anxiety attacks at work. So he went to work in my place basically but one night sort of started to break it off from me before work? It was weird. But I didn’t want to be alone, no one was home and I was freaking out so I asked one of his friends to come to hang out in the shed with me. His shed was set up as a place to jam and had like a poker table and stuff. Figured this was a neutral okay spot to chill. Well, apparently he assumed I was hitting on him inviting him over and put me in an awkward spot. It didn’t get too far other than me giving him like a sad handjob to try to placate things for the time being because I really didn’t know what could happen, plus after being raped and all in the past I mean, idk. It was a bad situation. So then apparently he feels guilty and tells my bf about it before I could, which I’d had every intention of doing so but didn’t want to do it while he was at work. This asshole shows up at his job with his other friends to tell him. So this mixed with his drug abuse fueled a lot of fucked-up rage and stuff towards me. He was also paranoid and accused me of fucking his friend even though we’d both said that wasn’t the case, whatever. Eventually one night it boiled over and he put me into a wall waking his mother who kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go. As I keep writing I realize more and more how much I leave out but at the same time I'd probably have to write a novel to actually put all this shit out there. So hopefully this is at least kind of giving the gist of it and I'm open to whatever questions people have too about anything that's off. It's hard for me to just sit down and write it all out this way. |
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I've still got to read yours, I kind of like quick read but haven't been able to focus lately and I feel shitty when I can't give something my full attention. That's another problem I've been having since anxiety/depression hit so hard. I find it super hard to read things and process them. I'm also generally way better at like a back and forth one on one convo. Which I'm always open to as well. I don't know that I can say I'm doing better, actually the last couple years have been pretty bad. I guess better in some ways because I haven't tried to cut or off myself, but negative in a few others. I'm at this point just kind of floating I guess? |
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welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then
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I guess what makes it harder is I haven't been able to play FFR since the end of 2017 as I was diagnosed with an extremely rare Auto-Immune disease (Stage 2 Dermatomyositis) which also affect my muscles and skin. So pretty much it'll be a long time before my fingers can speed through a chart as they could before. Though I may not have been the best, I enjoyed and talked about this site more than anyone would think. My life may not have had many difficulties until I was randomly hit with this disease, so I"m not sure if I should post anything more lol P.s. if anyone is interested in my condition or needs to reach out, please do! Also I posted a semi full story in another thread last year so I can link that if anyone is interested / put more updates from that point on here or there ... so lmk! |
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folded for page length or whatever. i feel guilty reading you guys spill your guts and me not contributing anything back
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ok i was purposefully not commenting on people's stories but i gotta say wscb im both super duper jelly and in awe 'cause you were able to do the thing that i tried so hard to do last year (get into med school). not that that's really an integral part of your story it seems like, but if you had the aptitude for that then i'm sure you'll succeed in things that you're passionate about. gl with finishing your degree!
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Alright so at this point it’s like 4am and I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to call. I end up getting in touch with my ex with the son who comes to pick me up from my, well now, other ex’s place. He doesn’t have a place so he can’t house me, he was staying with family who now hated me for breaking things off. I went and hung out with a friend for a bit so he could go do some things and then he picked me up and I basically lived in his car for a bit until I could get my funds to get a place. Which that’s a whole fucking long story too, but basically he’d stolen my money in a stupid oversight from the bank and whatever, it’s just a pain in the ass and fucked things up. Anyway, he knew of an open place in PA because his friend live in the building, 2br for $650 a month. Hell yeah I can manage that on the unemployment I was getting for the time being. He asked to live with me and I figured well, if you work and do your part sure, so he moved in as well. Shortly after Frankie also moved in with us, which I won’t get into a whole lot surrounding all of that out of respect, but we definitely all had some issues at times. There’s people here who will know what went down. So this is now 2009, and the time I started getting heavily into FFR. I’d played on and off for years prior, but never seriously like I did at this point.By now I was having such severe anxiety attacks they’d send me to the hospital because it felt like heart attacks. It got so bad I couldn’t leave my apartment, I’d barely eat and I’d not eat anything my hands touched for fear of germs. It was a really whacked out time in my life. I basically did nothing but play FFR and chat with people. I also started having trouble with my wisdom teeth, which to this day is not resolved. I can’t really talk too much about this time period because it involves a lot of people from the community, some here, some gone now. But out of respect I won’t speak of the good nor bad ‘cause it may involve things they don’t want disclosed. The only thing I’ll bring up was I met AJ the summer of that year on FFR and we’d started chatting regularly. After talking for about 6 months I guess it was, AJ finally made the decision to move in with me. He wrote his story here and I don’t recall everything he’d mentioned, but his home life wasn’t really sitting well with him and this offered him a fresh start. So by the end of Jan 2010 I had a Halogen in my house. That started a whole new hilarious dynamic with the other two living there at the time, but again I’m gonna shush. There were a lot of ups and downs that happened, I got the surprise! You’re pregnant! May of that year and that summer we ended up losing the place because we had too many people and it was against fire code. So two went their separate ways, AJ, myself and my ex along with his new GF moved into a place. But they both refused to work or contribute so my dad offered for us to stay in SC with him and my stepmother. My stepmom has never been that great towards me, not the worst but she can be really nasty at times. A lot of crap happened down there that I honestly just don’t feel like typing up but let's just say we were there from Oct till two weeks after Saphira was born and then we were Jersey bound once again. |
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Might contribute here at some point, but writing long stories are sort of tricky because of my short attention span
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Warning: This post talks extensively and explicitly about a dysfunctional sex life, so if that's not your cup of tea - skip it. It all has a very important impact on the direction of my life.
TL: DR Communicate with your partner instead of trying to save their feelings. We all have different needs that will come out eventually. ------------------------------------- |
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Gonna see if maybe I can close this out and summarize a bit better. Aj and I bounced around for a bit longer while trying to find solid footing somewhere. From SC we stayed at my mom's temporarily in NJ, then got our own apartment. My job fucked me and cut my hours so we moved to Chicago with his father and his at the time girlfriend. We discovered a mold infestation that made me really sick and I swelled up bad. We stayed in a hotel for a few days and I'd posted on Facebook about what happened seeking help for the situation cause we'd lost a lot of belongings too. This resulted in AJ's dad's gf flipping out on me for posting "her business" which no one on my page knew her but whatever. So she kicked us out. So we rented an SUV, took what we could and drove out to MD to stay with my aunt. By this time I was pregnant with Ariana.
We both got jobs at the kohl's ecommerce and stayed at my aunt's for 5 weeks before getting a place out here. I had Ariana and things were okayish I guess. But we had no car and the area we lived in wasn't a good one. So once again we set off to a better area, or so we thought. Only to get ripped off by the complex and find out it wasn't so great there after all. Though during this time I will note is when AJ and I had started hitting kind of a weird breaking point. I guess it was more on my end, but basically things were rocky on and off and I mean I think most couples have their moments. Now I'm pretty sure he's okay with me talking about his sexuality and if I'm wrong, I'm super sorry AJ. But I'd also come across by accident a folder on his PC containing same sex art well just say it. So I approached him gently about it and that's when he told me he'd always been bi-curious but without doing anything didn't really know. So this is where we finally ended up in an open relationship. I brought it up to him and he kinda looked at me sideways at first but lol we went for it and it honestly ended up being the best thing for us. Now we'd had a plan for him to get a chance to explore his sexuality but then someone else came into the picture prior to the person that it was supposed to be. I have to be vague because basically from this point forth anyone we've done anything with is from one rhythm game community or another. But anyways, before anything happened we moved yet again, to our 3br townhome which was pretty nice for the most part, but shitty landlords. This is when that person finally flew out for a visit and things went good for the most part. Few hiccups but hey, learning curve right? Ultimately feelings were had and we'd thought about doing the whole poly thing, which cool fine I'm open to it, he is as well. But as it would turn out this person admitted to me later to basically using me to get to AJ cause they'd be interested in him for a long time. This ended up fucking me up pretty hard emotionally for a bit. Over the next few years we had some heartbreaks for both of us trying to let people in, so that wasn't great. I mostly stick to the sex aspect of things because frankly I don't really care for the emotional stuff much anymore and I don't connect the two. Whereas AJ tends to look for a deeper connection I think. We've had our solo deals with hooking up and times we've hooked up together. Most of the times it was like that it was fun and lighthearted but seems any time emotions got involved with anyone it was a mess. I had a few people screw me over to the point where I was suicidal again, AJ had made some mis-steps at this point too. Niether of us are perfect, so I'm not trying to call him out or anything just trying to explain to me my world was falling apart. Between my medical crap and the pressure of just trying to survive and dealing with a lot of people doing some shitty things it was just bad times. So yeah I really overall have to leave a lot out because of it being so closely related to the community in various ways, and honestly trying to tell my whole story is exhausting lol. So basically we stayed at that place for 4yrs. His mom moved in with us cause she was screwed over by the hurricane hitting Puerto Rico, zenith also lives here with us. We moved from that place to the one we're in now because we found mold again. Now basically I've been faced with more medical crap, had to have my appendix out, they found large teratomas in my ovaries that I need taken care of and my wisdom teeth are really fucked. I've been in agony for days lately. Normally they don't give me too much pain, just been really jacked up for the last decade. But I can't do shit about it because I need pre-treatment meds which are like 30k, I need it done in a hospital setting and need an oral surgeon even willing to do it, which I've been turned away a lot for years. I also lost my health insurance so that doesn't help. But yeah, that's basically where things are now. Hopefully this all gave at least some sort of glimpse into my life and if anyone wants to talk/ask anything feel free. I'm almost always on discord n stuff. Honestly could use the company. |
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Shit psychoangel, you've been through the ringer let me tell you. I feel ashamed of my own story in comparison as the sole cause of my current situation (drug addict) is myself. It's been escalating too, last night I decided to play Breath of the Wild and do speed all night and it was a blast, until about 2 hours ago when I realized I was going to have to go to work strung out and anxious. To compensate I took a ton of Xanax and now I feel like a zombie struggling not to get a panic attack. Kind of just opened up about my situation with a coworker and I feel a lot better. Starting to realize my problem is escalating and I might have bit off more than I can chew. I need to take a weekend off :(
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I don't judge anyone for being an addict, I used to have a different mentality on it of "well you made the choice to do it in the first place" but hell for some people it takes that one mistake and it's over. I don't think anyone in life should be condemmed for a single mistake. I believe there's something to addictive personalities, honestly if I weren't terrified of drugs I'd not be surprised if I were an addict. I guess one benefit of losing my uncle in the timeframe of where I'd probably have started was that it scared me off from ever doing anything hard. I smoked pot, sure, but never tried anything beyond that out of fear. And it was offered to me. Actually another thing I could note, the addict ex I had that put me into the wall that night. He recently got in contact with me via my mother. She saw him at a gig one night and mentioned it to me that he asked about me and such. He ended up thanking me because he said I was the reason he ended up never touching drugs again and has been clean ever since we broke up. So while the experience may not have been a positive for me when I was going through it, it had a positive outcome. Anyway, I know I tend to have this like "bitch" reputation around here but I'm really not lol. If you need someone please, don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always willing to listen. |
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Everytime I tell my life story, it's different from the time before
I have s hard time pointing to details that truly shaped me. |
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I last posted in September and I already could write a whole extra chapter of shit that went down between now and then. I need a vacation from my life man
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i have no energy to post my entire life story of why i'm molded into the empty husk that is me
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It feels like the FFR community is much more open about very personal life details than any other online community I've looked at it or been in. I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's all been very interesting so far. And it also makes me want to share my own life story.
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My life is pretty simple.
I play video games and watch anime. (haha escapism) I don't drink, do drugs or smoke. (yey) I got fat. (oh no) I loss the fat by playing FFR on keyboard. (lol) I never had a relationship. (haha) I have very few friends, but they're pretty cool. (wooo) I beat school. (gg) I went to college in computer science. (whoa) I quit in the last semester because I don't like computer science. (haha) I recycled what I learned with what I wanted to do and found a job. (weee) I got a car. (yus) I got epilepsy. (oh noes) I couldn't drive a car anymore. (oh noes) I took meds for 3 years to get back to normal. (huh) I'm back to normal without meds. (yus) I can drive a car now. (yus) I don't really get nervous anymore because of the meds. (cool feature yus) I used my school experience to help me move up in the work ladder. (yey) My personal life is a joke and I feel like I shouldn't bother with feelings. (haha) I'll probably just keep working and try to maintain a balanced life. (yey) Not quite sure what the future will hold. (mystery) |
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I love your self commentary^
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Life story as of right now. When I'm in a much better frame of mind I'll do another one of these, but here's what's happening right now. I'm super young still so I may be able to come back to this in a few years and reflect, which I super look forward to being able to do.
TL;DR, the quotes that aren't spoilered in my signature are how life's going right now, but it won't be like that forever. So I have whenever it gets better to look forward to. Apologies if I didn't quite grasp the purpose of this thread, too. I saw a bunch of vents and figured I could try too. |
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how old are you Subaru? |
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beyond the other stuff I posted earlier, my depression absolutely accelerated when I started graduate school, as well as my guilt complex. eventually I started having seizures-- not totally sure why, probably a combination of dad reentering my life, impostor syndrome, qualifying exams, and falling behind with research the seizures and stress ultimately forced me to leave grad school after 4 years. I never got a degree from it, and I never proposed or started my PhD thesis I moved home to my family for around a year to correct my health issues and enter the local job market. at least if the epilepsy continued I would only be an hour drive from my sister and my mother. things have gotten better generally since I got a real job. the quarantine has been fucking me up quite a bit though, the lack of social interaction and being able to go outside and stuff. recently I've been doing 36-hour weekend sleeping sessions, which is obviously bad for a number of reasons. not sure how to fix that |
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is a degree something you want? i got the impression that you were disillusioned with grad school before
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born
study work invest work retire travel die i'm on stage "invest" so i'll see you guys in 25 years |
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Rolling over that 401(k) whenever I leave. |
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Long time no see :) I think the last time I was active in the community was when I was in my junior year of undergraduate (about 7 years ago). Here's what happened to me:
- Completed my bachelors degree in mathematics while I was abroad at Budapest, Hungary. - Enrolled in Ph.D. mathematics program but decided to quit it because I wasn't ready to go into a research career due to personal issues - Moved to Orange County, California for a temporary teaching position in mathematics. Met a roommate who introduced me to data science. - Moved back home to NYC to complete a data science bootcamp and to work as a data engineer in finance - Enrolled in my second Masters program to update my quantitative and gain technical skills for the industry. - Moved to DC (where I'm currently based) to continue my data science career in consulting with government clients Here and there, I have done a handful of freelancing projects in research and data science, built my personal website, dated a handful of women and found myself in a relationship, spent time and go on vacation with my friends and family (most recently New Orleans with friends before pandemic lockdown), and played League from time to time. Now I'm fitting FFR back in my busy schedule to see how rusty I am and to reconnect with some old friends. I probably won't be as serious as I was before, but I'll play the game to mentally destress via bashing my fingers against the keyboard. |
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eh why not
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grats on the sobriety, i'm giving it a shot too
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<3
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besides that, i got my degree and commence my singular year of grad school next month, then hopefully I leave the shithole that is MA, go somewhere more poppin, get money and learn how to be a functioning human being instead of hating everyone almost as much as i hate myself |
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yo congrats on that bachelors!!!
edit: another life update for me-- I'm getting a license to be an addiction counselor :) |
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on a pragmatic level, employment leads to financial and lifestyle stability, which also feels really good. (compared against school or unemployment, where the year-to-year instability can grind against your soul). At any rate, stability in your life is a form of comfort, and if this stable state also makes you content and satisfied, that's a really good thing EDIT: funnygurl I'm so proud of you, that's awesome. |
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humdrum inbetweener band kid with married suburb parents writes music in FL Studio throughout teenage years and goes to college for it, drops out after realizing music school is a sham and subsequently dad has midlife crisis, cheating & putting family in debt, splitting family apart. now lives with mom after family has short homeless stint and continues to try and make music career, lucky enough that music royalties pay for rent but still deals with sobriety problem & crippling lack of ability to connect with anyone, hoping to fix that and someday soon perform live music while living in apartment of own
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DABOOBITY BA DA BBBOOOOM DO DANANA
here we go again who's gonna submit/update this time? ight gn |
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I want to submit
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is here where i post extremely personal aspects of my life due to counselling being too expensive?
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why are you in australia ilikexd pls actually submit tho lol |
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I dished out a lot of money this year due to circumstances that were beyond my control.
Pretty much that's my life story for this year. |
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im still on stage invest but i think i can retire before 36 so that's a thing
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Nathan more like LAMEthan am I right guys |
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