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TC_Halogen 09-1-2019 12:23 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by choof (Post 4696326)
oh yeah I didn't see that, yeah my charts are bad too but there's always been something cathartic about making your own charts and seeing them to completion

I've been asked over at osu!mania why I've made easier charts when being at the player level that I'm at (two times referring to this particular chart). It comes down to that exact thing; it just feels good to do and it's nice to see something you've wanted to create come to fruition.

As far as life stuff: put in a spoiler to as to not stretch the page.



For the most part, my life wasn't too bad growing up. I was raised in Chicago and lived there for the first 18 years of my life. Things deteriorated over time with my parents both suffering from alcoholism, though things have improved substantially on both sides with my dad slowing down and my mom being essentially inhibited in her consumption living with me.

I've heard stories from my mom about how she sheltered me from my father's side of the family and looking back at that, I'll have to definitely agree. My father's siblings and that side of the family in general was filled with a lot of deadbeats, with an overwhelming majority of them not only being educational dropouts but also involved with gang related activity for extended periods.


This person was actually connected to my dad's side of the family.
https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/...273-story.html

I also lost a cousin and that cousin’s father to substance abuse.


My mom was apparently accused by my father's siblings for trying to make me "white" by keeping me away from them (note: I'm Puerto Rican). I definitely thank her for that.

My introduction to education was a little shaky due to having some issues with regards to reading but I eventually turned it around and seemed to be an educational savant compared to the rest of my family. From 4th grade through 8th grade, I played in our school's band. None of my immediate family on either side had any sort of musical inclination, so this surprised my parents. I'd initially intended on playing clarinet, but our school was so poorly under-funded that I was forced to play trumpet instead -- I was a natural at it. By 5th grade, our band director was already feeding me lower-level high school pieces because I was simply bored trying to wait for everyone else to catch up.

I ended up getting into a selective enrollment high school in Chicago (Lane Tech). My time at Lane was mostly great; the school was a melting pot and had so many students, making it pretty easy to become socially active. Despite selecting a technology-oriented curriculum, I continued on with the musical interests and played in the school's concert band from freshman year all the way through senior year. I also played in a pit band for our school’s production of Bye Bye Birdie, which was an incredible experience as well. Lane Tech was when my love for rhythm gaming also spiraled to a whole new level, after running into the school’s DDR club; the person managing the club when I got in as a freshman - aliased Darklink, ended up being a prominent individual within the Chicago scene due to getting their hands on a dedicated ITG cabinet and we stood in touch for a pretty long time after that.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all fun. In my senior year, a close female friend ended up getting involved in a relationship with a person who was quite frankly, extremely paranoid. They were under an active impression that I was trying to be a thorn in the relationship, even though said female and I had agreed that nothing would ever happen romantically (we simply never had that interest). The male in question eventually started catching me throughout random points in the day, threatening to jump me if I “continued what I was doing.” On a particularly bad rehearsal from band, I was threatened once more… and actually snapped. We’ll leave it at that…

This experience is essentially what caused me to get kicked out of high school. Through sheer fear of being caught in the halls like I had been in the past, I started cutting class throughout the second half of the day. Eventually, I got expelled for truancy.

At that point, I started getting on FFR a -lot- more, particularly in the video chat area. It didn’t take too long for me to run into Kayla and we started talking extremely frequently - not just on FFR VC, but on AIM (holy shit we’re old). My parents would often give me money to go play ITG over at Galaxy Comics, which was housing Darklink’s dedicated cabinet. I started putting away parts of that money away and eventually coordinated with my dad to get myself a train ticket to go east and move with her in January 2010.

I’ll summarize from that move on because it would take 10x longer to just handle that part…

Had first daughter -- Saphira, in March of 2011.
Got my GED in June of 2012.
Moved back to Chicago to live w/ my dad for him to help us out in October of 2012.
Left Chicago to go Maryland on April 1st, 2013 (nice date).
Had second daughter, Ariana, in August of 2013.
Worked at Kohl’s eCommerce for 13 months, hit a lead position but was denied full-time work for reasons I won’t understand. I guess at the end of the day, I can say it was the universe pulling me in the right direction.
On a complete fucking whim after Kayla said “what’s the worst that can happen”, applied for a web development job without a degree (was still doing my associates online), and actually beat out four people for the job.
Got my A.A.S. in Information Technology in July (?) of 2015.
Got into another web development job as a referral from my first job, and spent a pretty long time over there… before being let go with basically no reasoning back in March of 2018, exactly one day after purchasing a plane ticket for my mother to live with us after being horrifically impacted by Hurricane Maria and dealing with shitty family while living in Puerto Rico months earlier (fantastic timing).
After an incredibly long battle of job applications and constant feelings of rejection, landed my current software development job; I absolutely love the people I work with. I worked alone in my previous jobs, but actually feel like I’m a part of something bigger here and it’s a great feeling. Unlike my two previous jobs, I feel like this is my “career job” and I don’t see myself separating from this company anytime soon.

At the end of the day, through all of the struggles and craziness, I still wouldn't have it any other way. Kayla and I have been through a fair amount of shit while being together while also having our own shit that we dealt with before meeting one another and it's been an insane but continuously improving ride.

This still leaves a shitton out, to be honest. But it serves as a good summary of things.

Funnygurl555 09-1-2019 12:47 PM

Re: life story thread
 
yay you did it thanks for sharing halogen

Quote:

Originally Posted by samurai7694 (Post 4696387)
I feel the same honestly. I personally did read through all posts here though. I will say this: if my condensed story somehow helps or speaks to someone then I feel a lot better.

i've read through every one too (though that's unsurprising since i started the thread). i've purposely haven't been commenting though for fear of being insensitive. like what if someone shares and unbeknownst to you your comment's as good as saying "cool". that's likely my social anxiety speaking though.

i don't think anyone overshared really 'cause it's hard to over share when you're asked to post your entire life. though i get that it makes you feel vulnerable. i've had to let go of that personally 'cause i had to reach out for help earlier this year

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceGorilla (Post 4696384)
it's like playing minesweeper trying to avoid the irrelevant bs in this thread but the rest is some good stuff

i'd contribute my own life story but i'm either too young or too naive to make it sound interesting. basically i've been completely pampered up until this point, dealing with some depression kind of like the rest of you. nothing really sad or crazy has happened but reading your guys' stuff can help me appreciate that a little more so thanks i guess

y'all it really ain't the point to be interesting or to have had shit go down :( i get it though i felt that way when the first thread happened

devonin 09-1-2019 02:05 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Guess since people are opening up about a lot of stuff, I should make the attempt, though I'm still going to have to leave some stuff out.

DaBackpack 09-1-2019 02:26 PM

Re: life story thread
 
the short of it is that the source of my childhood trauma is my father coming out as trans ~15 years ago or so, and the immense pain that entire process caused in myself, my sister, and my mother especially

given what I know about the denizens of this site, I've really been waffling about whether or not it's a good thing to share those experiences here. because there are a lot of unhappy, miserable truths about the trans experience.

I'm not transphobic, and this trauma came to help me understand the LGBT experience as a child, but I'm not sure if it's "right" to share

devonin 09-1-2019 02:29 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DaBackpack (Post 4696408)
the short of it is that the source of my childhood trauma is my father coming out as trans ~15 years ago or so, and the immense pain that entire process caused in myself, my sister, and my mother especially

given what I know about the denizens of this site, I've really been waffling about whether or not it's a good thing to share those experiences here. because there are a lot of unhappy, miserable truths about the trans experience.

I'm not transphobic, and this trauma came to help me understand the LGBT experience as a child, but I'm not sure if it's "right" to share

Generally one shouldn't ever out somebody without their consent, but if she is out as trans in life, I don't think it would be bad to talk about.

Nor do I think anybody here is going to think that having a struggle to reconcile "my father" and "trans" makes you transphobic. Having trouble coming to terms with it is natural and expected, but that assumes that you're not denying the reality of it, or refusing to try to make efforts to integrate this information into your interactions.

EzExZeRo7497 09-1-2019 03:32 PM

Re: life story thread
 
I haven't really posted in the FFR forums for a long time, but the older life story thread was one of my favourite threads, and I wanted an avenue to talk about my personal problems.

- Born on July 4, 1997 in Singapore. I've been raised in SG since.

- I was told really often that I was a really precocious child when I was young; my parents, parents' friends and teachers all said something of that sort. I never really had to study for anything, though there were times where my results were pretty bad because of carelessness on my part. At least in terms of academia, the only regret I had was that I stopped taking Chinese classes seriously. I'll talk more about that later...

- I was a really awkward person. I never really knew how to interact with people. I was bullied a lot in school. Sometimes for my weight at the time, sometimes for my behaviour, but it's something that shouldn't be bullied for in general. I was bullied all the way to about late secondary school (around the start of the second half of high school). This was around the time I started really getting into rhythm games.

- I found rhythm games in early 2010, but I really started to get into rhythm game communities in about late 2010. I didn't have any close friends in school, so I talked to a lot of people online. At some point I stopped socialising with people in school and only talked to people online. I got really good at SM over a relatively short period of time, and that's probably because I've spent so much time on them from 2010 to 2014.

- My father went to prison when I was about 8-9 for drug trafficking and a few other offences that I can't remember off the top of my head. Mother had to make ends meet here and there for the first 2 years because of debt that my father had accumulated over the past few years at the time. I didn't talk to my family often at the time, so my father going to prison didn't directly affect me very much.

- I went to a really bad secondary school because I did extremely badly for my final exams for primary school, but I don't think it affected my growth too much.

- I only really started to deal with mental health issues when I was 15 or so. I realised that I felt really sad every now and then and I wasn't sure why. I don't think I was stressed or anything at the time; there were just long periods where I just didn't want to do anything or had no interest in anything. I told my mother that I was dealing with depression at the time and was mad at me, but she (thankfully) was more accepting of it over time.

- Went to vocational school (for an associate's-equivalent, this is mandatory) for finance at 17 (2014). Horrible decision. Hated almost everything about the field. Felt like I was running on fumes for most of my time in school. Didn't put in much effort into studying because studying finance made me really upset about choosing finance in the first place. I skipped all of my lectures because I wanted to get by as painlessly as I could. I really wanted to switch majors at the time, but I ended up not doing so because I didn't want to spend any more time in vocational school than I wanted to. That was also a bad decision.

- My mental health was deteriorating at this time. I've had long spells where I had no interest in anything and wanted to kill myself because I didn't think that there would be anything that would make me happy. I've never attempted suicide or self-harmed, but that's only because I was too tired to do anything. I've dealt with bouts of low energy for most of my life, but it really got bad when I was in vocational school.

- I was dealing with slight gender dysphoria by this time. I eventually shrugged it off because there were other pressing issues at the time. A few people took note of it because I've told them, but I had always been really subtle with my desire to be someone of the opposite sex at that time.

- Depression and fatigue got to a point where I legitimately couldn't comprehend text at all. Reading anything at the time felt like reading something in Arabic. There was some revelation at some point in vocational school when I realised that most of my problems at the time came from not feeling fulfilled in anything. I took a semester off in late 2015 so that I could find something that I was interested in. That's how I started being really interested in psychology and started to learn multiple fields by myself.

- I'll go on a tangent about rhythm gaming because rhythm gaming was/is a huge part of my life. Communication with other people in rhythm games around that time was fine. I started to get into the osu!mania community at the time and made friends there. I stopped playing rhythm games altogether at the end of 2015 because I stopped getting any pleasure from playing, but I started to make charts for StepMania and osu!mania a bit earlier than that and have been really active in both SM and o!m communities.

- My charts got pretty popular in osu!mania mostly because they were hard and not stupid to play through. I guess that was nice. I focused a lot on charting after 2015, and even though I've produced many different charts over the years, people generally really liked what I was making. I mostly attribute that to how I was just "ahead of the curve" at the time; I was just lucky that I've been able to "improve" at a rate that's faster than the unranked osu!mania charting section did. I didn't really feel happy about people liking my charts. This persisted all the way to early 2019, when I just stopped charting altogether because I was frustrated with my own works.

The lack of joy from activities that I've put a lot of time into is a regular phenomenon. I get really good at something, but I never feel happy even if I've reached that point. I just feel that I'm not good enough in one way or another. This part is pretty important, so keep this in mind.

- I eventually got back into vocational school and finished my last year. Finished my last exam in August 2017. My depression wasn't as bad by this time because I felt that I had something to strive for (research in some area of psychology), though I still felt tired and was still very unhappy that I was learning something that I didn't want to learn. I also had to do a mandatory internship (something administrative) and it was some of the most mindnumbing garbage that I had to go through.

- I continued to self-study and talk to people in rhythm game communities. I realised that I had an interest in linguistics (and psycholinguistics especially), so I ended up spending a lot of time on that. I decided to pick up a few languages on my own (Portuguese, German, Swedish) to see what it'd be like to learn a language as an adult. I was trying to sustain this daily habit of trying to learn something around this time.

- I had to do mandatory military service in early 2018. I was put in a really low category because of my mental health history, and a couple of medical officers believed that I had autism spectrum disorder because my experiences in school and also because my brother was also diagnosed with autism.

Being in that category basically meant that I had to sit in halls and do administrative work for 2 years. I broke down and cried multiple times because it felt extremely mind-numbing. I almost felt dust collecting in my mind and parts of my body withering from a lack of use. I was also getting really worried because I felt that I wasn't being productive. I knew that I was going to attempt suicide if I stay here for too long, so I told medical officers and higher-ups about how I was feeling at base. People there were thankfully mostly receptive towards my problems, though there were a few higher-ups who were clearly apathetic to my concerns.

- I was eventually discharged from the military after a few months. I was told that being discharged from the military prematurely meant that I had a lower chance of entering university and finding work, so I ended up putting in a ton more effort into self-studying. I started reading as much relevant material as I could, which I thought wasn't enough because I still had fatigue issues.

I basically studied about 3-8 hours a day on whatever I was interested in (psychology, linguistics, or other languages). Because those skills weren't quantifiable and that I never really had any joy from learning, I've always felt that I wasn't "good" enough. It didn't matter how much I knew and how much material I can understand -- I just didn't think that I knew enough. Again, this was a common thing, and that applied to every single field that I've put a lot of time into.

- Gender dysphoria started to get really bad by around late 2018 after a few events. I eventually decided that transitioning would be the best way to go in the future. I tried to explain to someone about my decision to transition earlier, but I'm missing a ton of details.

My parents aren't happy about it, and while my parents say that they're ultimately supportive, it's really clear that they aren't supportive and would much rather have me stay where I am. Whatever.

I still haven't been very open about my gender dysphoria. A lot of people in rhythm game communities still know me as a male, and I'm very anxious to even share about it given a couple of messages that I've seen in various communities. There are smaller VSRG circles who do know that I'm transgender, but I tell them not to be explicit about it for the most part. Posting this here is the second place that I've ever said in a public website that I'm trans (first time is on my RateYourMusic account), and I'm thinking of removing this even now.


- I applied to university early this year and was accepted into a honours degree program in psychology despite a lacklustre GPA from vocational school and premature discharge from the military. I didn't really feel anything from that acceptance letter. My personal problems with competence were deeper than just "being good enough for university" at this point. I was just trying to make myself happy, and I haven't been able to do it.

- Currently in university in my first semester. I'll be taking philosophy and linguistics minors in the future unless I do well enough in school to do a double major in psychology and linguistics. Travelling back and forth is a fucking pain because of constant migraines (I take medication for migraine prevention) and depressive episodes. Studying has been okay because of how much time I've spent studying in my free time. I started studying philosophy (moral, political and epistemology at the moment) in my free time through textbooks. I'll probably be able to do just fine academically. I'm still an emotional mess, and I've been trying to survive since.


My writing is probably really disorganised (it's 3am), but I think that's a decent enough summary of what I had gone through over my life. It's definitely not as bad as many people here, but I ultimately just wanted a place to write down how I've been feeling over the past few years.

I also just wanted to thank the FFR community (and other rhythm game communities too) for making me feel at home for so long. I don't talk to most of the people that I talked to in 2011-2012 or so today, but I just wanted to say thanks to them for having me around and dealing with my garbage when I was much younger.

the sun fan 09-1-2019 03:53 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EzExZeRo7497 (Post 4696425)
life story

its good to see you again
glad that stuff is going as well as it has been despite setbacks
you really weren't a prick back in 2012 and I'm not just saying that

BilliumMoto 09-1-2019 03:54 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EzExZeRo7497 (Post 4696425)
I basically studied about 3-8 hours a day on whatever I was interested in (psychology, linguistics, or other languages). Because those skills weren't quantifiable and that I never really had any joy from learning, I've always felt that I wasn't "good" enough. It didn't matter how much I knew and how much material I can understand -- I just didn't think that I knew enough. Again, this was a common thing, and that applied to every single field that I've put a lot of time into.

hard work always pays off (as long as you stay alive)

DaBackpack 09-1-2019 04:42 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by devonin (Post 4696409)
Generally one shouldn't ever out somebody without their consent, but if she is out as trans in life, I don't think it would be bad to talk about.

Nor do I think anybody here is going to think that having a struggle to reconcile "my father" and "trans" makes you transphobic. Having trouble coming to terms with it is natural and expected, but that assumes that you're not denying the reality of it, or refusing to try to make efforts to integrate this information into your interactions.

my dad is open about it, he also doesn't care about pronouns

but I'm not going to sugar-coat it, it was a truly awful situation for everyone involved. It's not about accepting this person's new identity, that was always a given. it's the reconciliation of this new person (who has largely been absent since then) with the few remaining images of "my dad" I have from childhood. occasionally I meet with my dad and he'll do or say something that reminds me of how he used to be and my brain can't process it and I almost pass out/have a seizure

me reconnecting with my dad relieves a bit of my guilt complex but the cognitive dissonance is still a major obstacle for me

MixMasterLar 09-1-2019 05:43 PM

Re: life story thread
 
I think it's pretty reasonable that if someone becomes someone else that you're not expected to automatically like the new them just because, especially when they act like a wholly different person.

It sucks that it was someone so close to you though; I feel where you're coming from.

melonpapes 09-1-2019 05:54 PM

Re: life story thread
 
i dont have the balls or the desire or the attention span to be that introspective and honest on my own let alone write it down and share it with you guys sorry

does that count

j-rodd123 09-1-2019 06:28 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EzExZeRo7497 (Post 4696425)
I haven't really posted in the FFR forums for a long time, but the older life story thread was one of my favourite threads, and I wanted an avenue to talk about my personal problems.

- Born on July 4, 1997 in Singapore. I've been raised in SG since.

- I was told really often that I was a really precocious child when I was young; my parents, parents' friends and teachers all said something of that sort. I never really had to study for anything, though there were times where my results were pretty bad because of carelessness on my part. At least in terms of academia, the only regret I had was that I stopped taking Chinese classes seriously. I'll talk more about that later...

- I was a really awkward person. I never really knew how to interact with people. I was bullied a lot in school. Sometimes for my weight at the time, sometimes for my behaviour, but it's something that shouldn't be bullied for in general. I was bullied all the way to about late secondary school (around the start of the second half of high school). This was around the time I started really getting into rhythm games.

- I found rhythm games in early 2010, but I really started to get into rhythm game communities in about late 2010. I didn't have any close friends in school, so I talked to a lot of people online. At some point I stopped socialising with people in school and only talked to people online. I got really good at SM over a relatively short period of time, and that's probably because I've spent so much time on them from 2010 to 2014.

- My father went to prison when I was about 8-9 for drug trafficking and a few other offences that I can't remember off the top of my head. Mother had to make ends meet here and there for the first 2 years because of debt that my father had accumulated over the past few years at the time. I didn't talk to my family often at the time, so my father going to prison didn't directly affect me very much.

- I went to a really bad secondary school because I did extremely badly for my final exams for primary school, but I don't think it affected my growth too much.

- I only really started to deal with mental health issues when I was 15 or so. I realised that I felt really sad every now and then and I wasn't sure why. I don't think I was stressed or anything at the time; there were just long periods where I just didn't want to do anything or had no interest in anything. I told my mother that I was dealing with depression at the time and was mad at me, but she (thankfully) was more accepting of it over time.

- Went to vocational school (for an associate's-equivalent, this is mandatory) for finance at 17 (2014). Horrible decision. Hated almost everything about the field. Felt like I was running on fumes for most of my time in school. Didn't put in much effort into studying because studying finance made me really upset about choosing finance in the first place. I skipped all of my lectures because I wanted to get by as painlessly as I could. I really wanted to switch majors at the time, but I ended up not doing so because I didn't want to spend any more time in vocational school than I wanted to. That was also a bad decision.

- My mental health was deteriorating at this time. I've had long spells where I had no interest in anything and wanted to kill myself because I didn't think that there would be anything that would make me happy. I've never attempted suicide or self-harmed, but that's only because I was too tired to do anything. I've dealt with bouts of low energy for most of my life, but it really got bad when I was in vocational school.

- I was dealing with slight gender dysphoria by this time. I eventually shrugged it off because there were other pressing issues at the time. A few people took note of it because I've told them, but I had always been really subtle with my desire to be someone of the opposite sex at that time.

- Depression and fatigue got to a point where I legitimately couldn't comprehend text at all. Reading anything at the time felt like reading something in Arabic. There was some revelation at some point in vocational school when I realised that most of my problems at the time came from not feeling fulfilled in anything. I took a semester off in late 2015 so that I could find something that I was interested in. That's how I started being really interested in psychology and started to learn multiple fields by myself.

- I'll go on a tangent about rhythm gaming because rhythm gaming was/is a huge part of my life. Communication with other people in rhythm games around that time was fine. I started to get into the osu!mania community at the time and made friends there. I stopped playing rhythm games altogether at the end of 2015 because I stopped getting any pleasure from playing, but I started to make charts for StepMania and osu!mania a bit earlier than that and have been really active in both SM and o!m communities.

- My charts got pretty popular in osu!mania mostly because they were hard and not stupid to play through. I guess that was nice. I focused a lot on charting after 2015, and even though I've produced many different charts over the years, people generally really liked what I was making. I mostly attribute that to how I was just "ahead of the curve" at the time; I was just lucky that I've been able to "improve" at a rate that's faster than the unranked osu!mania charting section did. I didn't really feel happy about people liking my charts. This persisted all the way to early 2019, when I just stopped charting altogether because I was frustrated with my own works.

The lack of joy from activities that I've put a lot of time into is a regular phenomenon. I get really good at something, but I never feel happy even if I've reached that point. I just feel that I'm not good enough in one way or another. This part is pretty important, so keep this in mind.

- I eventually got back into vocational school and finished my last year. Finished my last exam in August 2017. My depression wasn't as bad by this time because I felt that I had something to strive for (research in some area of psychology), though I still felt tired and was still very unhappy that I was learning something that I didn't want to learn. I also had to do a mandatory internship (something administrative) and it was some of the most mindnumbing garbage that I had to go through.

- I continued to self-study and talk to people in rhythm game communities. I realised that I had an interest in linguistics (and psycholinguistics especially), so I ended up spending a lot of time on that. I decided to pick up a few languages on my own (Portuguese, German, Swedish) to see what it'd be like to learn a language as an adult. I was trying to sustain this daily habit of trying to learn something around this time.

- I had to do mandatory military service in early 2018. I was put in a really low category because of my mental health history, and a couple of medical officers believed that I had autism spectrum disorder because my experiences in school and also because my brother was also diagnosed with autism.

Being in that category basically meant that I had to sit in halls and do administrative work for 2 years. I broke down and cried multiple times because it felt extremely mind-numbing. I almost felt dust collecting in my mind and parts of my body withering from a lack of use. I was also getting really worried because I felt that I wasn't being productive. I knew that I was going to attempt suicide if I stay here for too long, so I told medical officers and higher-ups about how I was feeling at base. People there were thankfully mostly receptive towards my problems, though there were a few higher-ups who were clearly apathetic to my concerns.

- I was eventually discharged from the military after a few months. I was told that being discharged from the military prematurely meant that I had a lower chance of entering university and finding work, so I ended up putting in a ton more effort into self-studying. I started reading as much relevant material as I could, which I thought wasn't enough because I still had fatigue issues.

I basically studied about 3-8 hours a day on whatever I was interested in (psychology, linguistics, or other languages). Because those skills weren't quantifiable and that I never really had any joy from learning, I've always felt that I wasn't "good" enough. It didn't matter how much I knew and how much material I can understand -- I just didn't think that I knew enough. Again, this was a common thing, and that applied to every single field that I've put a lot of time into.

- Gender dysphoria started to get really bad by around late 2018 after a few events. I eventually decided that transitioning would be the best way to go in the future. I tried to explain to someone about my decision to transition earlier, but I'm missing a ton of details.

My parents aren't happy about it, and while my parents say that they're ultimately supportive, it's really clear that they aren't supportive and would much rather have me stay where I am. Whatever.

I still haven't been very open about my gender dysphoria. A lot of people in rhythm game communities still know me as a male, and I'm very anxious to even share about it given a couple of messages that I've seen in various communities. There are smaller VSRG circles who do know that I'm transgender, but I tell them not to be explicit about it for the most part. Posting this here is the second place that I've ever said in a public website that I'm trans (first time is on my RateYourMusic account), and I'm thinking of removing this even now.


- I applied to university early this year and was accepted into a honours degree program in psychology despite a lacklustre GPA from vocational school and premature discharge from the military. I didn't really feel anything from that acceptance letter. My personal problems with competence were deeper than just "being good enough for university" at this point. I was just trying to make myself happy, and I haven't been able to do it.

- Currently in university in my first semester. I'll be taking philosophy and linguistics minors in the future unless I do well enough in school to do a double major in psychology and linguistics. Travelling back and forth is a fucking pain because of constant migraines (I take medication for migraine prevention) and depressive episodes. Studying has been okay because of how much time I've spent studying in my free time. I started studying philosophy (moral, political and epistemology at the moment) in my free time through textbooks. I'll probably be able to do just fine academically. I'm still an emotional mess, and I've been trying to survive since.


My writing is probably really disorganised (it's 3am), but I think that's a decent enough summary of what I had gone through over my life. It's definitely not as bad as many people here, but I ultimately just wanted a place to write down how I've been feeling over the past few years.

I also just wanted to thank the FFR community (and other rhythm game communities too) for making me feel at home for so long. I don't talk to most of the people that I talked to in 2011-2012 or so today, but I just wanted to say thanks to them for having me around and dealing with my garbage when I was much younger.

glad to hear youre studying hard and seemingly enjoying what youre taking! you will definitely continue to grow and find yourself, best of luck with that. just replying because on a random side note i was going through old things and came across #Ezeis19 - don't fully remember the entire context of it but it remember it was a funny night

Funnygurl555 09-3-2019 08:54 PM

Re: life story thread
 
bump

Dinglesberry 09-3-2019 09:13 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EzExZeRo7497 (Post 4696425)
I haven't really posted in the FFR forums for a long time, but the older life story thread was one of my favourite threads, and I wanted an avenue to talk about my personal problems.

- Born on July 4, 1997 in Singapore. I've been raised in SG since.

- I was told really often that I was a really precocious child when I was young; my parents, parents' friends and teachers all said something of that sort. I never really had to study for anything, though there were times where my results were pretty bad because of carelessness on my part. At least in terms of academia, the only regret I had was that I stopped taking Chinese classes seriously. I'll talk more about that later...

- I was a really awkward person. I never really knew how to interact with people. I was bullied a lot in school. Sometimes for my weight at the time, sometimes for my behaviour, but it's something that shouldn't be bullied for in general. I was bullied all the way to about late secondary school (around the start of the second half of high school). This was around the time I started really getting into rhythm games.

- I found rhythm games in early 2010, but I really started to get into rhythm game communities in about late 2010. I didn't have any close friends in school, so I talked to a lot of people online. At some point I stopped socialising with people in school and only talked to people online. I got really good at SM over a relatively short period of time, and that's probably because I've spent so much time on them from 2010 to 2014.

- My father went to prison when I was about 8-9 for drug trafficking and a few other offences that I can't remember off the top of my head. Mother had to make ends meet here and there for the first 2 years because of debt that my father had accumulated over the past few years at the time. I didn't talk to my family often at the time, so my father going to prison didn't directly affect me very much.

- I went to a really bad secondary school because I did extremely badly for my final exams for primary school, but I don't think it affected my growth too much.

- I only really started to deal with mental health issues when I was 15 or so. I realised that I felt really sad every now and then and I wasn't sure why. I don't think I was stressed or anything at the time; there were just long periods where I just didn't want to do anything or had no interest in anything. I told my mother that I was dealing with depression at the time and was mad at me, but she (thankfully) was more accepting of it over time.

- Went to vocational school (for an associate's-equivalent, this is mandatory) for finance at 17 (2014). Horrible decision. Hated almost everything about the field. Felt like I was running on fumes for most of my time in school. Didn't put in much effort into studying because studying finance made me really upset about choosing finance in the first place. I skipped all of my lectures because I wanted to get by as painlessly as I could. I really wanted to switch majors at the time, but I ended up not doing so because I didn't want to spend any more time in vocational school than I wanted to. That was also a bad decision.

- My mental health was deteriorating at this time. I've had long spells where I had no interest in anything and wanted to kill myself because I didn't think that there would be anything that would make me happy. I've never attempted suicide or self-harmed, but that's only because I was too tired to do anything. I've dealt with bouts of low energy for most of my life, but it really got bad when I was in vocational school.

- I was dealing with slight gender dysphoria by this time. I eventually shrugged it off because there were other pressing issues at the time. A few people took note of it because I've told them, but I had always been really subtle with my desire to be someone of the opposite sex at that time.

- Depression and fatigue got to a point where I legitimately couldn't comprehend text at all. Reading anything at the time felt like reading something in Arabic. There was some revelation at some point in vocational school when I realised that most of my problems at the time came from not feeling fulfilled in anything. I took a semester off in late 2015 so that I could find something that I was interested in. That's how I started being really interested in psychology and started to learn multiple fields by myself.

- I'll go on a tangent about rhythm gaming because rhythm gaming was/is a huge part of my life. Communication with other people in rhythm games around that time was fine. I started to get into the osu!mania community at the time and made friends there. I stopped playing rhythm games altogether at the end of 2015 because I stopped getting any pleasure from playing, but I started to make charts for StepMania and osu!mania a bit earlier than that and have been really active in both SM and o!m communities.

- My charts got pretty popular in osu!mania mostly because they were hard and not stupid to play through. I guess that was nice. I focused a lot on charting after 2015, and even though I've produced many different charts over the years, people generally really liked what I was making. I mostly attribute that to how I was just "ahead of the curve" at the time; I was just lucky that I've been able to "improve" at a rate that's faster than the unranked osu!mania charting section did. I didn't really feel happy about people liking my charts. This persisted all the way to early 2019, when I just stopped charting altogether because I was frustrated with my own works.

The lack of joy from activities that I've put a lot of time into is a regular phenomenon. I get really good at something, but I never feel happy even if I've reached that point. I just feel that I'm not good enough in one way or another. This part is pretty important, so keep this in mind.

- I eventually got back into vocational school and finished my last year. Finished my last exam in August 2017. My depression wasn't as bad by this time because I felt that I had something to strive for (research in some area of psychology), though I still felt tired and was still very unhappy that I was learning something that I didn't want to learn. I also had to do a mandatory internship (something administrative) and it was some of the most mindnumbing garbage that I had to go through.

- I continued to self-study and talk to people in rhythm game communities. I realised that I had an interest in linguistics (and psycholinguistics especially), so I ended up spending a lot of time on that. I decided to pick up a few languages on my own (Portuguese, German, Swedish) to see what it'd be like to learn a language as an adult. I was trying to sustain this daily habit of trying to learn something around this time.

- I had to do mandatory military service in early 2018. I was put in a really low category because of my mental health history, and a couple of medical officers believed that I had autism spectrum disorder because my experiences in school and also because my brother was also diagnosed with autism.

Being in that category basically meant that I had to sit in halls and do administrative work for 2 years. I broke down and cried multiple times because it felt extremely mind-numbing. I almost felt dust collecting in my mind and parts of my body withering from a lack of use. I was also getting really worried because I felt that I wasn't being productive. I knew that I was going to attempt suicide if I stay here for too long, so I told medical officers and higher-ups about how I was feeling at base. People there were thankfully mostly receptive towards my problems, though there were a few higher-ups who were clearly apathetic to my concerns.

- I was eventually discharged from the military after a few months. I was told that being discharged from the military prematurely meant that I had a lower chance of entering university and finding work, so I ended up putting in a ton more effort into self-studying. I started reading as much relevant material as I could, which I thought wasn't enough because I still had fatigue issues.

I basically studied about 3-8 hours a day on whatever I was interested in (psychology, linguistics, or other languages). Because those skills weren't quantifiable and that I never really had any joy from learning, I've always felt that I wasn't "good" enough. It didn't matter how much I knew and how much material I can understand -- I just didn't think that I knew enough. Again, this was a common thing, and that applied to every single field that I've put a lot of time into.

- Gender dysphoria started to get really bad by around late 2018 after a few events. I eventually decided that transitioning would be the best way to go in the future. I tried to explain to someone about my decision to transition earlier, but I'm missing a ton of details.

My parents aren't happy about it, and while my parents say that they're ultimately supportive, it's really clear that they aren't supportive and would much rather have me stay where I am. Whatever.

I still haven't been very open about my gender dysphoria. A lot of people in rhythm game communities still know me as a male, and I'm very anxious to even share about it given a couple of messages that I've seen in various communities. There are smaller VSRG circles who do know that I'm transgender, but I tell them not to be explicit about it for the most part. Posting this here is the second place that I've ever said in a public website that I'm trans (first time is on my RateYourMusic account), and I'm thinking of removing this even now.


- I applied to university early this year and was accepted into a honours degree program in psychology despite a lacklustre GPA from vocational school and premature discharge from the military. I didn't really feel anything from that acceptance letter. My personal problems with competence were deeper than just "being good enough for university" at this point. I was just trying to make myself happy, and I haven't been able to do it.

- Currently in university in my first semester. I'll be taking philosophy and linguistics minors in the future unless I do well enough in school to do a double major in psychology and linguistics. Travelling back and forth is a fucking pain because of constant migraines (I take medication for migraine prevention) and depressive episodes. Studying has been okay because of how much time I've spent studying in my free time. I started studying philosophy (moral, political and epistemology at the moment) in my free time through textbooks. I'll probably be able to do just fine academically. I'm still an emotional mess, and I've been trying to survive since.


My writing is probably really disorganised (it's 3am), but I think that's a decent enough summary of what I had gone through over my life. It's definitely not as bad as many people here, but I ultimately just wanted a place to write down how I've been feeling over the past few years.

I also just wanted to thank the FFR community (and other rhythm game communities too) for making me feel at home for so long. I don't talk to most of the people that I talked to in 2011-2012 or so today, but I just wanted to say thanks to them for having me around and dealing with my garbage when I was much younger.

wow, thanks for sharing this with us all, it must better getting it off your chest but I could see you still being anxious.

All of us in rhythm gaming think of you in extremely high regard, not even for the game itself (in which you were extremely good at regardless) but for how you acted and helped and tried to nurture the game, even while not playing. Many many people learned charting by reading your guides for example, and hell, even to this day we call getting a 92.99 on a song a 99.eze lol.

To explain why I even mentioned the rhythm game part of your life is to create the point that though you were loved, it must have felt suffocating to think of asking for help in a group of people who thought of you so highly, like being afraid to show weakness, and that sucks.

I'm glad to hear that you are working and progressing towards becoming happy and finding meaning, good luck. It sounds like you would make for an amazing therapist.

Funnygurl555 09-7-2019 01:12 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by choof (Post 4697512)
i may have been unsuccessful at killing myself but i sure as hell killed this thread

it was already kinda dying :(

Kraezymann 09-7-2019 06:40 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. For some it might have been harder than we thought so I appreciate the opportunity to have a glimpse into your lives. Feels like I've gotten to know a few of you better

V-Ormix 09-7-2019 07:19 PM

Re: life story thread
 
reading some of this stuff makes me want to remember what else happened in my life but it's all blank :v I guess that makes me potentially one of the lucky ones??

I could maybe distill my lesser attributes of finding it hard to relate with you guys with what feels like such a blurry past as being almost negative at times, and I get in that state of feeling like "eh I don't need people anyways" which I know isn't a healthy way to feel rip

I guess what makes it ironic is I equalize my irrational negativity with the very thing that causes it continuing to be self absorbed and convincing myself "that's not who I am in this subsequent time and place" and a lot of space gets filled with neutrality up until If I'm not making an effort to go up I slowly fall down :v

Maybe if I continue through this slow articulation then things of detail will come back to me like puzzle pieces but then ... I'd actually be responding to the thread topic in a way that makes sense and I for whatever f all reason (psychologically?) feel I didn't get the 'perfect' communication across and thus subject to implication or derail.

I give tons of people credit over the years of wanting to know me but I simply always reverted back to my own bubble or comforting contemplation on aspects of life people do with out thought :I

choof 09-7-2019 08:11 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by V-Ormix (Post 4697615)
reading some of this stuff makes me want to remember what else happened in my life but it's all blank :v I guess that makes me potentially one of the lucky ones??

a lot of events in my childhood are a blur and I can't remember them very well, it's kinda bittersweet because while yeah the abuse I got from my stepdad was pretty nasty at times and I don't care to remember specifics, it's really frustrating when a sibling tries to reminisce about something fun we did and I don't really remember it
I do have dreams about the better events sometimes so I count those as sort of blessings, I don't have dreams of the abuse anymore

V-Ormix 09-7-2019 09:12 PM

Re: life story thread
 
I only dream about weird shit like monkeys with dicks under their ballsacks and running up ramps in grocery stores flying out the roof and falling in slow motion :v

I even had a dream that I was in a bathroom stall in newyork city were cops were trying to hunt me down to force me to watch a samurai jack ghost in the shell cross over were a human family was in a sphere like space craft with water and their brains were seperated from their heads but they were still talking to eachother :U

edit: no rly i'm not typing this stuff to be funny

devonin 09-7-2019 10:30 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by choof (Post 4697512)
i may have been unsuccessful at killing myself but i sure as hell killed this thread

I posted several thousand word and then deleted them, I think that did more to kill it than you did.

Funnygurl555 09-8-2019 12:28 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by devonin (Post 4697666)
I posted several thousand word and then deleted them, I think that did more to kill it than you did.

it was a good read tho

anyway life update to my story: turns out the bro who tried to kill me actually did go to therapy for it. tho my parents never told me and i tried to press charges on him 'cause i told them it was therapy or i was going to the police about it

two month old salt incoming but how is the statute of limitations for attempted murder less than a year

isnt it not

Shadow_God_10 09-8-2019 09:23 AM

Re: life story thread
 
I guess I can contribute here.

As some of you know I run an airport for a living. It's a very stressful job which has literally desensitized me to the sight of dead bodies. We had a suicide earlier this year, and a fatal accident during the expansion project. Oh and a dead body randomly turned up in the lake as well.

I'm also constantly reminded that my dad died on my front porch every time I come home, so there's that too

blanky 09-20-2019 11:23 PM

Re: life story thread
 
in the same boat as staiain in that the reason life sucks sometimes is because I never finish what I want to say and have trouble organizing / articulating thoughts

Funnygurl555 09-20-2019 11:31 PM

Re: life story thread
 
BLANKY!!!!

ok life update tho IM A CITIZEN AND I HAVE 3 MONTHS 3 WKS CLEAN onto tha next month 8)

also finally formulating a plan for next year/two years. thinking of getting an ladc and sticking around recovery because it makes me happy

choof 09-20-2019 11:54 PM

Re: life story thread
 
grats!!!

DotKritic 09-21-2019 03:44 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Summer solstice baby. Florida native. Been living in Texas since 1995 (when I was 7). Went into the US Army at 26 years old (one of the older recruits in my Company). Left after my initial contract of 3 years, 21 weeks. Almost went back in recently. I was only offered 11X or 13B. I declined. I currently work for Amazon. Going to University for Art History, Health, or Communications starting Fall 2020.

psychoangel691 09-21-2019 04:04 AM

Re: life story thread
 
I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There's a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tom boy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. Ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. Didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. Got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle

MikeShinoda12345 09-21-2019 04:52 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Wow~

Impressed by how strong so many people are here. I've had a way way way easier life than most of the people posting and I'm not entirely sure what to say. But hopefully posting on here and having a semi-anonymous community to talk to brings some kind of healing, and a space to process. Hope you all continue to find happiness and grow and enjoy the better lives you all deserve.

Funnygurl555 09-21-2019 02:58 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by choof (Post 4698813)
grats!!!

thanks :D

heck yeah the threads coming back to life. thanks for sharing psychoangel and dotkritic!

bmah 09-22-2019 12:45 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Funnygurl555 (Post 4698845)
heck yeah the threads coming back to life. thanks for sharing psychoangel and dotkritic!

Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.

psychoangel691 09-22-2019 07:16 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.

choof 09-22-2019 09:17 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bmah (Post 4698892)
Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.

i think it was more an innocuous "thanks for the bump" than a conscious effort to shit all over her, bub

V-Ormix 09-22-2019 09:50 AM

Re: life story thread
 
one time in summer camp this girl was scratching my ass and she wanted me to scratch hers too but I was like ehhh naw

edit: if only i could go back in time, id of been more considerate (^:

rayword45 09-22-2019 09:59 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Just wanna say I’ve read all of these and y’all are way braver than I am

Quote:

Originally Posted by V-Ormix (Post 4698909)
one time in summer camp this girl was scratching my ass and she wanted me to scratch hers too but I was like ehhh naw

edit: if only i could go back in time, id of been more considerate (^:

You fucking monster

Funnygurl555 09-22-2019 11:05 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bmah (Post 4698892)
Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.

i did. choof hit it on the head; i'm just glad that people are still sharing

psychoangel691 09-22-2019 03:22 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychoangel691 (Post 4698829)
I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There are a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tomboy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that Xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex-cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. I ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. It didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. I got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle


Quote:

Originally Posted by psychoangel691 (Post 4698905)
Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.



Fuck it, been a few hours lets see how much more I can get out of myself here. Alright so left off in 2007, specifically Feb when I had to have surgery, no medical insurance etc etc.

So my then ex was living with me in my dad’s apartment as I mentioned, he wasn’t necessarily the worst guy but he was fucking around with the stripper chick that lived next door and could never hold a fucking job so whatever. I eventually said get out, it was extremely hard for me because I was incredibly attached to his son and his family. We were supposed to get married, had been together for 2yrs by this point. It was tough to let go, but I couldn’t keep going the way things were going. So this all probably sounds weird ‘cause he was already an ex but still staying with me, so I’d also sort of started seeing a friend of mine. It wasn’t anything serious until my ex left, then he moved in with me and we were supposed to keep the apartment together. But alas, another dude that for some reason couldn’t hold a job. He was even offered work by my mom’s then-boyfriend doing demolition and it paid well. I remember he’d agreed to it then was like “I’m not going” I didn’t want to leave the guy hanging so I went and I did the work. I wasn’t that far out of surgery either so that kind of pisses me off. Anyway, I couldn’t really afford to keep the apartment so we moved into his old room at his dad’s house. This only lasted a few months before he decided to start going out and cheating on me. So off to my mother’s place I went again for a while.

So I was working, just trying to get my life together when all of a sudden I got a random tongue swell. I’d assumed I somehow developed some sort of food allergy. I was also having a lot of issues with major dizzy spells and generally feeling unwell. So started the fun of going through doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital and specialist after specialist. Now at this point, I did have some insurance, not great insurance but at least something. I also at some point discovered that there was a massive leak in a car I was financing from this shitty bad credit car dealerships. So it was mold-infested in the headliner and I never knew it, probably what was making me sick. But of course no one would help me and I couldn’t get any legal action taken against the dealer. Finally, I met with an allergist that after testing me for like every food allergy ever had a lightbulb moment and tested me for hereditary angioedema. The test came back positive for this shitty ass condition with no cure and at the time basically no treatment options. So here I was with this diagnosis and mold toxicity issues, I couldn’t work which pissed my mom off of course. She couldn’t possibly understand how fucked up I was at the time apparently. Because of the tongue swelling, I basically stopped eating all together aside from like a single piece of chicken in a day and some mashed potatoes. I was terrified something would trigger another swelling attack. So I avoided everything. Then all the medical bills came in, well, thanks to my new diagnosis the insurance company claimed pre-existing condition and denied all my claims. So yay for more medical debts \o/

Since I was confined to my room I spent a lot of time online, where I eventually found what would be my next wonderful relationship. I don’t remember exactly what we met on now because there were a few social media things in 2008, I’m actually leaving out another boyfriend from before the diagnosis that cheated and lied to me, but that’s the majority of people I’ve dated anyway. So, I finally agree to start hanging out with him, you know just friends for starters but I explained to him I wasn’t well. He was fine with it. We started hanging out a lot then eventually dating. My mom lost her shit and told me to get out yet again because I wasn’t being exactly what she wanted me to be. She couldn’t understand the horrible anxiety attacks I’d started having by this point too. So I ended up moving into my bf’s parent’s place with him. Things were going sort of okay, there were definitely a lot of great moments, but as it turned out he was a drug addict and was sneaking shit behind my back. I’d notice odd behavior here and there and eventually, I found out. I still stuck around, thought I could be a rock to help him move on from it cause he expressed wanting to. I tried to get working again but it didn’t last long because I still wasn’t feeling great and was having anxiety attacks at work. So he went to work in my place basically but one night sort of started to break it off from me before work? It was weird. But I didn’t want to be alone, no one was home and I was freaking out so I asked one of his friends to come to hang out in the shed with me. His shed was set up as a place to jam and had like a poker table and stuff. Figured this was a neutral okay spot to chill. Well, apparently he assumed I was hitting on him inviting him over and put me in an awkward spot. It didn’t get too far other than me giving him like a sad handjob to try to placate things for the time being because I really didn’t know what could happen, plus after being raped and all in the past I mean, idk. It was a bad situation. So then apparently he feels guilty and tells my bf about it before I could, which I’d had every intention of doing so but didn’t want to do it while he was at work. This asshole shows up at his job with his other friends to tell him. So this mixed with his drug abuse fueled a lot of fucked-up rage and stuff towards me. He was also paranoid and accused me of fucking his friend even though we’d both said that wasn’t the case, whatever. Eventually one night it boiled over and he put me into a wall waking his mother who kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.


As I keep writing I realize more and more how much I leave out but at the same time I'd probably have to write a novel to actually put all this shit out there. So hopefully this is at least kind of giving the gist of it and I'm open to whatever questions people have too about anything that's off. It's hard for me to just sit down and write it all out this way.

psychoangel691 09-22-2019 03:32 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by choof (Post 4698923)
medical debt is so nasty, I'm still paying for a panic attack/suicide attempt in april
maybe this is presumptuous but I'm glad that you're doing better now too

writing shit up is hard especially when you forget/suppress things, I left out a bunch of shit too but couldn't be assed to rewrite

It's fucking bullshit man, and I can't afford insurance now either which has put me in a shit ass position but I'll get to that eventually.

I've still got to read yours, I kind of like quick read but haven't been able to focus lately and I feel shitty when I can't give something my full attention. That's another problem I've been having since anxiety/depression hit so hard. I find it super hard to read things and process them. I'm also generally way better at like a back and forth one on one convo. Which I'm always open to as well.

I don't know that I can say I'm doing better, actually the last couple years have been pretty bad. I guess better in some ways because I haven't tried to cut or off myself, but negative in a few others. I'm at this point just kind of floating I guess?

choof 09-22-2019 07:32 PM

Re: life story thread
 
welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then

DN_Catastrophic 09-22-2019 08:18 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by samurai7694 (Post 4696301)
but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now

I may not be as well known as most of you outside of the old MP and pre FFR Apocalypse, but after reading everything on here this was what stuck out to me the most. I'd consider myself somewhat social, but for some reason whenever I come on here I become a ghost to even just trying to reach out to an old friend on here and just lurks. It's sad when I think about the countless hours and sleepless nights of fun I had with everyone of FFR Old. Maybe I'm just trying to fill a void inside me that I haven't noticed yet? Who knows.. but I think it's crazy how I've been trying to find something on here since 2012 that just seems to never come.

I guess what makes it harder is I haven't been able to play FFR since the end of 2017 as I was diagnosed with an extremely rare Auto-Immune disease (Stage 2 Dermatomyositis) which also affect my muscles and skin. So pretty much it'll be a long time before my fingers can speed through a chart as they could before. Though I may not have been the best, I enjoyed and talked about this site more than anyone would think.

My life may not have had many difficulties until I was randomly hit with this disease, so I"m not sure if I should post anything more lol

P.s. if anyone is interested in my condition or needs to reach out, please do! Also I posted a semi full story in another thread last year so I can link that if anyone is interested / put more updates from that point on here or there ... so lmk!

psychoangel691 09-22-2019 08:38 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by choof (Post 4698942)
welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then

Thanks, I appreciate it and I hope things keep going in a good direction for you. If you ever wanna chat hmu on discord.

Quote:

Originally Posted by samurai7694 (Post 4696301)
I am leaving out a LOT of details, a LOT of names, and a LOT of what goes on in my head on a daily basis now because it does involve a ton of FFR members. most of them still active members. but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now and even if I don't care if today's my last day or not, I'm not gonna do harm to myself and I choose to be optimistic as in like "hmmm let's see what's in store for tomorrow".

I'm getting close to this point in my story, I've had a lot go down that involves FFR and members from it that I won't be able to talk about. I personally hold no grudges against anyone, but there were things that definitely fucked me up at times.

11brendon 09-23-2019 12:49 AM

Re: life story thread
 
folded for page length or whatever. i feel guilty reading you guys spill your guts and me not contributing anything back
most of my memories are extremely blurry because of lack of doing anything at all (i think this is the reason at least) mixed with memory fog because of fibromyalgia, but i can remember a few vague dates for what i consider milestone events of some sort.

born 11/21/99

i have lived in a small unincorporated community in NE ohio my whole life (bristolville)

my earliest memory is when i was 4 years old, my mom was pushing my sister and i back to the car in one of those double seater grocery carts they have (had? maybe it was a double seated stroller). my sister was putting her arm over the divider and i pulled on it really hard and dislocated her shoulder, there was a lot of crying.

the next 8 or so years of life were completely uneventful. wake up, go to school, get home. maybe go to baseball practice or a game later in the day if it came up.

when i was around 12 years old or so, i feel like thats probably around when i "woke up" for a lack of a better term. just generally actually being aware of my surroundings, realizing other people were alive and had thoughts pretty much. i still think thats absolutely crazy. i also learned computers could do more than play gory stick figure games and play guitar hero youtube videos. life pretty much became a big mess of thoughts for me right when puberty started. my parents got divorced (which i guess hit me hard according to my mom but i dont remember any of it too well), so me, my mom, and sisters moved in with our grandparents which is where we still live to this day.

anyway, this is around where the computer stuff is important. thanks to the internet i had learned that lots of other religions existed, and that having no religion at all existed as well. a lot of me questioning my beliefs had started, and i ended up personally deciding that i was an atheist from that point forward after being a christian for my whole life. i was never really a practicing christian to begin with, aside from going to church a few times, but the point is that i stopped believing in god and an afterlife which really impacted how i felt about life.

i slowly fell into a deep depression coming into realization that there is really no point to life and suicidal thoughts were in my head for a really long time, but i never acted on them. my mom had tried to help me by getting me in touch with a few therapists over the next year or so, but that really just made it worse for me. i felt like my mom was trying to change who i was as a person rather than trying to help me cope with life leading to nothing at all. also the first therapist that came to the house diagnosed me with autism, which is strange because im not autistic. im just introverted and really didnt want to talk to any therapists. a few therapists later, i remember going to a hospital and seeing a psychologist who said my depression wasnt like standard depression, but more like an adult depression and i have no clue why i remember this. also got diagnosed with some pretty bad anxiety issues and ocd. a shitty triangle of mental illness which loops in on itself and only makes me hate the world and myself even more.

around 14 years old at this point, nihilistic is the only adjective i would apply to myself. i stopped doing school work, stopped paying attention, and was full recluse. i had ended up switching to an online based schooling from home. this of course was just so i didnt have to wake up at 6:30 am every day and sit under fluorescent lights for 8 and a half hours reminding me of how pointless school is just to get a piece of paper that says "i was here for 13 years, i am now employable" at the end of it.

16 years old. this is where the peak of my mental illness accumulated. i had started working a job at pizza hut which lasted for a month, but i just stopped going because of how much i hated it. the couple peers i had talked to outside my family i had completely cut contact with. i dropped out of the school that i had pretty much not been doing in the first place. i had stopped eating, doing basic hygiene, etc. lost a lot of weight (160>125 or so). i turned 17 about a month after this, and the next few months pretty much consisted of me waking up, laying in bed for 5 hours, getting up to go to the bathroom, laying in bed and then falling asleep.

a couple months into 2017 i kind of got a bit of a spark to start doing stuff again so i decided to take the GED test and got that diploma since i dropped out of school so i could seek employment. really a shitty kind of kick in my ass since it confirmed my thoughts on school being worthless considering i had not learned anything since i was around 13 years old. i still feel this way, fuck school.

may 2017 is where i started my second job, working at a plastic company making plastic molds at a press. 4 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7pm-7am. i also ended up quitting after a month because my fingers were swollen to the point where they looked like sausages. i was in extreme pain every day after coming home. according to people i talked to this wasnt normal, and i talked to my mom and she said i probably have fibromyalgia. so at this point i come to an understanding that most labor jobs are out of my reach because of pain. i realized that doing any small labor job caused me a shit ton of pain, and that just being generally tender and in pain all the time isnt what everyone feels like. this kind of threw a wrench in my plans of my life time dream of working in landscaping, so that wasnt too cool.

nothing really happened for 2 years after this, so come present day and im putting some effort forth to go to college to get a degree so i can work in an office, which is my new dream. my current interest is in meteorology, something i have really loved my whole life. add me on discord if you want to talk about weather specifically tornadoes those things are fricking cool. anyway, i just finished taking the ACT a week ago so i can start applying to schools once i get the results back. family is dirt poor and the job hunt has been unfruitful this past year, so i hope i can at least save up enough money to move if i have to for school. online school is not an option, been there done that it doesnt work for me.

i didnt really conclude the mental illness thing, so i'll say ive been getting better. i take care of myself now, ive gained 30 lbs in the past 2 years (up from 125 to 155 lbs, aiming for 170-180). im still pretty nihilistic but i dont have suicidal thoughts and not caring about life has actually made me a lot less anxious. death can come any time it wants and i'll be fine with it, but im not going to make it come any faster than it will naturally.

maybe in 5-10 years i can give an update and necro the thread if there isnt a new one by then.

i guess i'll conclude it by giving some rhythm game background since this is a rhythm game forum. pretty much everything ive done in rhythm games in ffr and sm specifically takes place between feb 2017 and now.

WSCB 09-23-2019 03:44 PM

Re: life story thread
 

Mostly, I’ve done the minimum it takes to avoid being scolded by family (the only I found out is by being scolded). My parents pushed me to do my best in school and were content if I sustained an A/B average (they modified their all-A expectations after my attention shifted towards games after I received a Gameboy Advance in 3rd grade). I felt that gaming and keeping to myself were better for me, having been made fun of for being socially awkward. This division between a perceived “popular” group and my socially-inept tribe has impacted my relationships with key individuals at many points in my life.

My parents were seriously concerned that I wouldn’t be able to function in school after witnessing my gaming addiction (multiple hours per day, etc.) so I was taken to a psychologist to be evaluated for ADHD. The results came back – apparently had “a little of everything” according to my parents (in other words, not much that could be done)… I was started on methylphenidate for a short while, but my mom reported that it made me “zombie-like” so I ceased taking it. The first time I felt some sort of purpose in my work was when I joined the band as a clarinet player in 6th grade. It marked the first time I could get significant results with minimal effort. My parents made me promise to take clarinet lessons to get a step up instrument for 7th grade. This was tremendously beneficial for me, but I never took full advantage of the opportunity because my primary focus was handheld gaming and the aforementioned doing the least to avoid being scolded.

Well, high school started and things were looking pretty much the same. I always wanted to try dating before high school, but never really worked up the courage to ask others out after being made fun of for liking a popular girl from 4th grade. 11th grade came around, and I found a senior who really interested me. I was able to spend more time with this group, but to my disdain, they were really into partying/illicit substances. It probably upset me most because I associated these activities with a group of people that made me feel that I was an outsider. I considered speaking with this senior about spending more time together, but another guy who was interested beat me to the punch and bragged with his friends about having his way with her. This made its way to me because he was part of the same group. Of course I was upset – when I finally vented my feelings to my friends, they couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all and we distanced ourselves from each other. That’s was the first time I felt I had lost a solid group of people. I entered my first relationship in the middle of senior year, but that lasted very shortly, due to this person’s friend group reminding me of the former. Then I went off to college to start working towards a career in medicine.

This is where the pressure of school kicked me in the head. I felt that the consequences of not doing well in classes would absolutely jeopardize my future, but did not make the necessary improvements to ensure success. After getting a couple of Cs from a summer Chemistry course and some fallout in the next semester, I decided to switch my major to Psychology but continue working towards medicine. This switch was one of my best moves in education: I found plenty of supportive peers and professors that convinced me to take school more seriously. During junior year, I entered my third relationship which was initially the most fun I’d had… This relationship really screwed me over towards the end and long after not working out – a combination of neglect, uncertainty (pre-marital relations being viewed as unacceptable by her religion), worrying about what others think, and a group that resembled the one I had struggled with in high school. I was able to keep my grades on an upward trajectory from the end, but I felt a depression and longing that persisted into my next relationship.

… Come summer of 2017, I find out that I was accepted into a medical school while studying abroad. My family and I were elated. I thought this would be a turning point where I worried less about competition and could focus on relevant studies to a future career. I was completely mistaken: experienced the opposite of my expectations. These experiences pushed me closer to the edge. After talking things over with my family and the school psychologist and psychiatrist, I decided to take a leave of absence. Maybe there was a chance that I could return to medical school… but I hadn’t convinced myself that I was ready for that challenge. I chose to leave and begin my application for a master’s of nursing at my home university.

One and a half years later, after almost losing my mind during arguments with my family over whether or not my suicidal ideation and depression were real, and giving my all to my work as a pharmacy technician, I’m back in school for that nursing degree. I already know that this is a step in the right direction. I just need to push myself through this accelerated program so that I can really begin taking life into my own hands (not that it couldn’t be done before… but I feel so much more confident now). I’m still in my fourth relationship – with someone who has really pushed me to better myself and accept my shortcomings. I’ve dropped some of my resentment towards others; it’s not my place to judge what is best for them. I hope that they’ll continue to treat others well and take care of themselves. What I want is to be part of a community that embraces and find solutions for people from any background. Eventually, I want to take my education as far as I can – to become an expert at a procedure, or to advise and help implement changes that make people want to take health matters into their own hands.



I came upon an FFR widget on onemorelevel.com sometime in middle school and made my account in the 8th grade (mid-late 2008). Even though I’ve “wasted” so many hours playing this game and never really getting on good terms with the members here, I greatly appreciate what it has done for me. This is how I discovered the kind of music that really resonated with me (ex. The Flashbulb, Venetian Snares). My search for music related to these artists featured on FFR eventually lead me to sputnikmusic.com in the time before going off to college. Most of the music I listen to now is influenced by a couple of particular members there + those artists who have influenced of my current favorite artists: ASC being #1, hands down.



Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I love to see that people have been through so much and are continuing to push onwards. For those who feel they aren’t brave for keeping to themselves… there’s no obligation, don’t sweat it.

Funnygurl555 09-23-2019 04:29 PM

Re: life story thread
 
ok i was purposefully not commenting on people's stories but i gotta say wscb im both super duper jelly and in awe 'cause you were able to do the thing that i tried so hard to do last year (get into med school). not that that's really an integral part of your story it seems like, but if you had the aptitude for that then i'm sure you'll succeed in things that you're passionate about. gl with finishing your degree!

Quote:

Originally Posted by samurai7694 (Post 4698962)
I really am counting my blessings that I am not in a destructive path with alcohol but I won't take risks and will strictly stick with water for the time being.

not taking risks is good. if it makes you feel any better though, i don't think you're close to the path rn. granted binge drinking poses health risks on its own, and your body might be telling you something if you're getting tremors after a night of heavy drinking.

psychoangel691 09-24-2019 10:24 PM

Re: life story thread
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by psychoangel691 (Post 4698829)
I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There are a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tomboy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that Xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex-cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. I ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. It didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. I got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle


Quote:

Originally Posted by psychoangel691 (Post 4698905)
Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.



Fuck it, been a few hours lets see how much more I can get out of myself here. Alright so left off in 2007, specifically Feb when I had to have surgery, no medical insurance etc etc.

So my then ex was living with me in my dad’s apartment as I mentioned, he wasn’t necessarily the worst guy but he was fucking around with the stripper chick that lived next door and could never hold a fucking job so whatever. I eventually said get out, it was extremely hard for me because I was incredibly attached to his son and his family. We were supposed to get married, had been together for 2yrs by this point. It was tough to let go, but I couldn’t keep going the way things were going. So this all probably sounds weird ‘cause he was already an ex but still staying with me, so I’d also sort of started seeing a friend of mine. It wasn’t anything serious until my ex left, then he moved in with me and we were supposed to keep the apartment together. But alas, another dude that for some reason couldn’t hold a job. He was even offered work by my mom’s then-boyfriend doing demolition and it paid well. I remember he’d agreed to it then was like “I’m not going” I didn’t want to leave the guy hanging so I went and I did the work. I wasn’t that far out of surgery either so that kind of pisses me off. Anyway, I couldn’t really afford to keep the apartment so we moved into his old room at his dad’s house. This only lasted a few months before he decided to start going out and cheating on me. So off to my mother’s place I went again for a while.

So I was working, just trying to get my life together when all of a sudden I got a random tongue swell. I’d assumed I somehow developed some sort of food allergy. I was also having a lot of issues with major dizzy spells and generally feeling unwell. So started the fun of going through doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital and specialist after specialist. Now at this point, I did have some insurance, not great insurance but at least something. I also at some point discovered that there was a massive leak in a car I was financing from this shitty bad credit car dealerships. So it was mold-infested in the headliner and I never knew it, probably what was making me sick. But of course no one would help me and I couldn’t get any legal action taken against the dealer. Finally, I met with an allergist that after testing me for like every food allergy ever had a lightbulb moment and tested me for hereditary angioedema. The test came back positive for this shitty ass condition with no cure and at the time basically no treatment options. So here I was with this diagnosis and mold toxicity issues, I couldn’t work which pissed my mom off of course. She couldn’t possibly understand how fucked up I was at the time apparently. Because of the tongue swelling, I basically stopped eating all together aside from like a single piece of chicken in a day and some mashed potatoes. I was terrified something would trigger another swelling attack. So I avoided everything. Then all the medical bills came in, well, thanks to my new diagnosis the insurance company claimed pre-existing condition and denied all my claims. So yay for more medical debts \o/

Since I was confined to my room I spent a lot of time online, where I eventually found what would be my next wonderful relationship. I don’t remember exactly what we met on now because there were a few social media things in 2008, I’m actually leaving out another boyfriend from before the diagnosis that cheated and lied to me, but that’s the majority of people I’ve dated anyway. So, I finally agree to start hanging out with him, you know just friends for starters but I explained to him I wasn’t well. He was fine with it. We started hanging out a lot then eventually dating. My mom lost her shit and told me to get out yet again because I wasn’t being exactly what she wanted me to be. She couldn’t understand the horrible anxiety attacks I’d started having by this point too. So I ended up moving into my bf’s parent’s place with him. Things were going sort of okay, there were definitely a lot of great moments, but as it turned out he was a drug addict and was sneaking shit behind my back. I’d notice odd behavior here and there and eventually, I found out. I still stuck around, thought I could be a rock to help him move on from it cause he expressed wanting to. I tried to get working again but it didn’t last long because I still wasn’t feeling great and was having anxiety attacks at work. So he went to work in my place basically but one night sort of started to break it off from me before work? It was weird. But I didn’t want to be alone, no one was home and I was freaking out so I asked one of his friends to come to hang out in the shed with me. His shed was set up as a place to jam and had like a poker table and stuff. Figured this was a neutral okay spot to chill. Well, apparently he assumed I was hitting on him inviting him over and put me in an awkward spot. It didn’t get too far other than me giving him like a sad handjob to try to placate things for the time being because I really didn’t know what could happen, plus after being raped and all in the past I mean, idk. It was a bad situation. So then apparently he feels guilty and tells my bf about it before I could, which I’d had every intention of doing so but didn’t want to do it while he was at work. This asshole shows up at his job with his other friends to tell him. So this mixed with his drug abuse fueled a lot of fucked-up rage and stuff towards me. He was also paranoid and accused me of fucking his friend even though we’d both said that wasn’t the case, whatever. Eventually one night it boiled over and he put me into a wall waking his mother who kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.


As I keep writing I realize more and more how much I leave out but at the same time I'd probably have to write a novel to actually put all this shit out there. So hopefully this is at least kind of giving the gist of it and I'm open to whatever questions people have too about anything that's off. It's hard for me to just sit down and write it all out this way.


Alright so at this point it’s like 4am and I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to call. I end up getting in touch with my ex with the son who comes to pick me up from my, well now, other ex’s place. He doesn’t have a place so he can’t house me, he was staying with family who now hated me for breaking things off. I went and hung out with a friend for a bit so he could go do some things and then he picked me up and I basically lived in his car for a bit until I could get my funds to get a place. Which that’s a whole fucking long story too, but basically he’d stolen my money in a stupid oversight from the bank and whatever, it’s just a pain in the ass and fucked things up. Anyway, he knew of an open place in PA because his friend live in the building, 2br for $650 a month. Hell yeah I can manage that on the unemployment I was getting for the time being. He asked to live with me and I figured well, if you work and do your part sure, so he moved in as well. Shortly after Frankie also moved in with us, which I won’t get into a whole lot surrounding all of that out of respect, but we definitely all had some issues at times. There’s people here who will know what went down.

So this is now 2009, and the time I started getting heavily into FFR. I’d played on and off for years prior, but never seriously like I did at this point.By now I was having such severe anxiety attacks they’d send me to the hospital because it felt like heart attacks. It got so bad I couldn’t leave my apartment, I’d barely eat and I’d not eat anything my hands touched for fear of germs. It was a really whacked out time in my life. I basically did nothing but play FFR and chat with people. I also started having trouble with my wisdom teeth, which to this day is not resolved. I can’t really talk too much about this time period because it involves a lot of people from the community, some here, some gone now. But out of respect I won’t speak of the good nor bad ‘cause it may involve things they don’t want disclosed. The only thing I’ll bring up was I met AJ the summer of that year on FFR and we’d started chatting regularly.

After talking for about 6 months I guess it was, AJ finally made the decision to move in with me. He wrote his story here and I don’t recall everything he’d mentioned, but his home life wasn’t really sitting well with him and this offered him a fresh start. So by the end of Jan 2010 I had a Halogen in my house. That started a whole new hilarious dynamic with the other two living there at the time, but again I’m gonna shush. There were a lot of ups and downs that happened, I got the surprise! You’re pregnant! May of that year and that summer we ended up losing the place because we had too many people and it was against fire code. So two went their separate ways, AJ, myself and my ex along with his new GF moved into a place. But they both refused to work or contribute so my dad offered for us to stay in SC with him and my stepmother. My stepmom has never been that great towards me, not the worst but she can be really nasty at times. A lot of crap happened down there that I honestly just don’t feel like typing up but let's just say we were there from Oct till two weeks after Saphira was born and then we were Jersey bound once again.

Staiain 09-26-2019 01:45 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Might contribute here at some point, but writing long stories are sort of tricky because of my short attention span

TheSaxRunner05 09-27-2019 01:55 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Warning: This post talks extensively and explicitly about a dysfunctional sex life, so if that's not your cup of tea - skip it. It all has a very important impact on the direction of my life.

TL: DR Communicate with your partner instead of trying to save their feelings. We all have different needs that will come out eventually.

-------------------------------------

I met my future wife in high school and we didn't really hit it off right away. We were both introverted people, her a bit moreso than myself. I had really hit my stride though by senior year. It was probably one of the happiest years of my life. I had a sizeable group of friends (mostly band kids) and an active social life. This was a real change for me. The ten years prior, my behavior was primarily guided by defensive mechanisms. I asked out 2-3 girls throughout the beginning and middle of the year with no luck. But in the spring of the senior year, I asked my future wife out, and the rest was history. We wen't off to the same college, and later moved into an apartment for my last two years of school.

All seemed well on paper, but there were some early signs that maybe we weren't perfect for each other. Day to day interactions were great - we rarely fought and spent our days together. Underneath, there were sexual tensions and my future wife's lurking depression and anxiety. We would fool around, but we were saving the actual act until marriage. Maybe this was just stalling deeper issues, but at the time, we were both on the same page. Neither of us wanted to communicate more deeply on the matter because we didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. We decided to get married after graduation, and we moved back to our hometown with her parents.

I got a job working at a grocery store, which I later turned into a career. We were married in the fall and had our honeymoon somewhere fancy, but local (not a whole lot of money). That night we were too exhausted, but the following morning we had our first go of it. To me, it was amazing, the sharing act of two people, bodies joining together. I've always felt a need for having an intimate connection with someone. It's like admitting that there's too much pain and suffering in the world, and the only sweet relief if finding someone you can completely let your guard down to and expose your unfettered self to. My wife did not have the same experience, she would feel excited to get started, but unsatisfied once things were getting going. Her mother had always told her that she would really like it when she tried it, and even after more attempts, it didn't hold her interest. She felt that something was wrong with her and tried to save me from the reality.

I, meanwhile, eagerly anticipated opportunities for courtship, while she began trying to avoid them. I knew deep down I wanted more and she wanted less, but it was so gradually building tension, our reluctance to discuss it rooted in saving face with each other. Despite all this, we decided to have a child and it didn't take long before we had one on the way.

We raised her together, taking turns changing diapers, rocking her, feeding her, doing all the things young couples are supposed to do. All the while, her depression got worse - a feeling that something was wrong with her for not being satisfied with what she had. We finally began talking about it here and there, but still very sheepishly. I suggested we try some new things, or simply "practice" until we found something she liked. Nothing seemed to work, and she tried to avoid it more often.

For a couple years, I still slept in the same bed with her, and I would avoid coming to bed while she was still awake. I had always been very attracted to her and it was brutal lying next to her. I had to get out of my mind what I wanted us to be and accept the reality in front of me. Another example, in private, younger me would playfully grab her from behind - but our relationship gradually progressed into platonic-ness. While I yearned for much more, our status as lovers was dying a slow, painful death.

At this point, she would occasionally do things, but solely to appease me. The imbalance was weighing on her. It got to a point where she would say "Do what you want" and I did what I felt I had to do. It felt like a strong urge, a hunger. My soul just itched for a more intimate connection, but would take the 'decaf' of lifeless sex to get by. We stopped attempting penetrating sex, sticking to rubbing and touching solely to satisfy me. I am not proud of this time - it made her depression worse and increased her feelings of failure. She tried to hide her feelings from me but I knew she wasn't into it and I should've known better. It all led up to one "Do what you need" night where I was rubbing on her and touching her, she started to cry. I stopped and rightfully felt a sudden shame for actions. I had done ugly things, and for a long time after, I went celibate. I couldn't undo what we had done, the grayness of it I've never really talked about before. It feels nasty and unsavory in hindsight but felt like such a need in the moment. I still feel some guilt for taking her "ok's" when I knew she wan't really interested. It really is such a beautiful act, but I had bastardized it for the sake of getting off.

We discussed that maybe she she'd find a girl to date, so that she could find out if she preferred women. We decided to have an open relationship, not being super public about it, but looking none the less. A bit later, she met another guy at work she was interested in. This threw me for a loop, but I rolled along with it because her depression had become quite worse. On one hand, I wanted her to have new experiences, but on the other, I couldn't help but feel like the failure for not being interesting in that way to her. They never amounted to much more than a kiss, but it did lead us to have some deep conversations and soul searching about what we were at this point. I wanted her to have new experiences out there, but was deeply jealous. It broke me a bit on the inside to see her with another guy.

She later dated another guy or two and found out she really just isn't turned on my men. Attracted to them, yes, but not in that way. Honestly, I was a bit relieved. It meant that I wasn't some big outlier to her, and that was some solace. I started dating a guy at this point for the first time. (Oh, I'm Bi, by the way) I started looking for a guy because I didn't know if she'd be jealous of a girl, and I also was looking for new experiences. The guy I met I am still dating today, and he's like an uncle to my daughter at this point.

My wife began dating a transgender (MtF) girl and finally found a partner that she can truly be intimate with. I am happy for her, and while her depression never completely goes away, it is much better than it was before. We still have love for each other, but much more at a distance. We live together, but now in separate bedrooms. While we are both getting much more of what we want now, I can't help but feel mournful for the slow decay of our relationship. We live together now primarily because we think it's what's best for our daughter. Our marriage now is mostly a sheet of paper, a relic of a past that was not meant to be.

I primarily wanted to tell my story here to make this point - don't sugarcoat the truth from your partner. My wife and I both were guilty of this time and time again and it just dragged it out. It is much better to spout the truth and see if they can handle it. I also wanted to talk about sex because it can be so difficult to approach the topic for the highly personal nature of it. Sex really is a beautiful act of two people laying themselves completely down before one another. If both parties aren't saying a resounding "lets go" in words and body language - it's not worth it. Find the right person and it will be amazing for you and them.

Whomever needed to see this, don't make the same mistakes I've made. And if you have, learn from them.

psychoangel691 09-27-2019 02:55 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Gonna see if maybe I can close this out and summarize a bit better. Aj and I bounced around for a bit longer while trying to find solid footing somewhere. From SC we stayed at my mom's temporarily in NJ, then got our own apartment. My job fucked me and cut my hours so we moved to Chicago with his father and his at the time girlfriend. We discovered a mold infestation that made me really sick and I swelled up bad. We stayed in a hotel for a few days and I'd posted on Facebook about what happened seeking help for the situation cause we'd lost a lot of belongings too. This resulted in AJ's dad's gf flipping out on me for posting "her business" which no one on my page knew her but whatever. So she kicked us out. So we rented an SUV, took what we could and drove out to MD to stay with my aunt. By this time I was pregnant with Ariana.

We both got jobs at the kohl's ecommerce and stayed at my aunt's for 5 weeks before getting a place out here. I had Ariana and things were okayish I guess. But we had no car and the area we lived in wasn't a good one. So once again we set off to a better area, or so we thought. Only to get ripped off by the complex and find out it wasn't so great there after all. Though during this time I will note is when AJ and I had started hitting kind of a weird breaking point. I guess it was more on my end, but basically things were rocky on and off and I mean I think most couples have their moments. Now I'm pretty sure he's okay with me talking about his sexuality and if I'm wrong, I'm super sorry AJ. But I'd also come across by accident a folder on his PC containing same sex art well just say it. So I approached him gently about it and that's when he told me he'd always been bi-curious but without doing anything didn't really know.

So this is where we finally ended up in an open relationship. I brought it up to him and he kinda looked at me sideways at first but lol we went for it and it honestly ended up being the best thing for us. Now we'd had a plan for him to get a chance to explore his sexuality but then someone else came into the picture prior to the person that it was supposed to be. I have to be vague because basically from this point forth anyone we've done anything with is from one rhythm game community or another. But anyways, before anything happened we moved yet again, to our 3br townhome which was pretty nice for the most part, but shitty landlords. This is when that person finally flew out for a visit and things went good for the most part. Few hiccups but hey, learning curve right? Ultimately feelings were had and we'd thought about doing the whole poly thing, which cool fine I'm open to it, he is as well. But as it would turn out this person admitted to me later to basically using me to get to AJ cause they'd be interested in him for a long time.

This ended up fucking me up pretty hard emotionally for a bit. Over the next few years we had some heartbreaks for both of us trying to let people in, so that wasn't great. I mostly stick to the sex aspect of things because frankly I don't really care for the emotional stuff much anymore and I don't connect the two. Whereas AJ tends to look for a deeper connection I think. We've had our solo deals with hooking up and times we've hooked up together. Most of the times it was like that it was fun and lighthearted but seems any time emotions got involved with anyone it was a mess. I had a few people screw me over to the point where I was suicidal again, AJ had made some mis-steps at this point too. Niether of us are perfect, so I'm not trying to call him out or anything just trying to explain to me my world was falling apart. Between my medical crap and the pressure of just trying to survive and dealing with a lot of people doing some shitty things it was just bad times.

So yeah I really overall have to leave a lot out because of it being so closely related to the community in various ways, and honestly trying to tell my whole story is exhausting lol. So basically we stayed at that place for 4yrs. His mom moved in with us cause she was screwed over by the hurricane hitting Puerto Rico, zenith also lives here with us. We moved from that place to the one we're in now because we found mold again. Now basically I've been faced with more medical crap, had to have my appendix out, they found large teratomas in my ovaries that I need taken care of and my wisdom teeth are really fucked. I've been in agony for days lately. Normally they don't give me too much pain, just been really jacked up for the last decade. But I can't do shit about it because I need pre-treatment meds which are like 30k, I need it done in a hospital setting and need an oral surgeon even willing to do it, which I've been turned away a lot for years. I also lost my health insurance so that doesn't help.

But yeah, that's basically where things are now. Hopefully this all gave at least some sort of glimpse into my life and if anyone wants to talk/ask anything feel free. I'm almost always on discord n stuff. Honestly could use the company.

Dynam0 09-27-2019 09:24 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Shit psychoangel, you've been through the ringer let me tell you. I feel ashamed of my own story in comparison as the sole cause of my current situation (drug addict) is myself. It's been escalating too, last night I decided to play Breath of the Wild and do speed all night and it was a blast, until about 2 hours ago when I realized I was going to have to go to work strung out and anxious. To compensate I took a ton of Xanax and now I feel like a zombie struggling not to get a panic attack. Kind of just opened up about my situation with a coworker and I feel a lot better. Starting to realize my problem is escalating and I might have bit off more than I can chew. I need to take a weekend off :(

psychoangel691 09-27-2019 10:25 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dynam0 (Post 4699306)
Shit psychoangel, you've been through the ringer let me tell you. I feel ashamed of my own story in comparison as the sole cause of my current situation (drug addict) is myself. It's been escalating too, last night I decided to play Breath of the Wild and do speed all night and it was a blast, until about 2 hours ago when I realized I was going to have to go to work strung out and anxious. To compensate I took a ton of Xanax and now I feel like a zombie struggling not to get a panic attack. Kind of just opened up about my situation with a coworker and I feel a lot better. Starting to realize my problem is escalating and I might have bit off more than I can chew. I need to take a weekend off :(

Don't be ashamed of your story, we all face different demons in life. I do hope you find a way to get clean. Actually didn't even get around to it in my story because I honestly would have to write a book to cover everything properly and such. I made only one friend out here MD (this doesn't include Sara and Frankie who live out here too cause I've known them forever) he became like my best friend in the world, I loved him to death. He died two years ago of an overdose and left behind a little girl. Time is such a fucked up thing, can't even believe it's been two years since. I'm so pissed at myself too, I kept telling myself to pick up the phone and call him cause we'd not talked much just with being busy with our own stuff. For some stupid ass reason I never did and I lost my chance to ever speak to him again. Who knows, maybe had I called he'd not have done it that day. Or maybe I could've been there and done something. Idk, but it fucks me up to this day and you don't want to do that to the people in your life.

I don't judge anyone for being an addict, I used to have a different mentality on it of "well you made the choice to do it in the first place" but hell for some people it takes that one mistake and it's over. I don't think anyone in life should be condemmed for a single mistake. I believe there's something to addictive personalities, honestly if I weren't terrified of drugs I'd not be surprised if I were an addict. I guess one benefit of losing my uncle in the timeframe of where I'd probably have started was that it scared me off from ever doing anything hard. I smoked pot, sure, but never tried anything beyond that out of fear. And it was offered to me.

Actually another thing I could note, the addict ex I had that put me into the wall that night. He recently got in contact with me via my mother. She saw him at a gig one night and mentioned it to me that he asked about me and such. He ended up thanking me because he said I was the reason he ended up never touching drugs again and has been clean ever since we broke up. So while the experience may not have been a positive for me when I was going through it, it had a positive outcome.

Anyway, I know I tend to have this like "bitch" reputation around here but I'm really not lol. If you need someone please, don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always willing to listen.

the sun fan 09-27-2019 12:46 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Everytime I tell my life story, it's different from the time before
I have s hard time pointing to details that truly shaped me.

psychoangel691 05-11-2020 04:37 PM

Re: life story thread
 
I last posted in September and I already could write a whole extra chapter of shit that went down between now and then. I need a vacation from my life man

AlexDest 05-11-2020 06:41 PM

Re: life story thread
 
i have no energy to post my entire life story of why i'm molded into the empty husk that is me

but starting in may, 2019 was the worst year for me by far. i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that ended abruptly which left me with a shattered heart and mind. during august i tried to pick up the broken pieces by going back to college to pursue automotive technology.

i had a really rough start to a day where i woke up from a dream i had where she wanted me back and wanted to try again. of course this was a shitty thing to wake up from and left me feeling empty for the rest of the day. i started breaking down crying during the evening while i was stressing out on schoolwork that i was trying to get ahead on.

i told my mom that i thought i wasn't in the right mindset to work on school at the moment, and that i wanted to work on getting my license, a crappy full-time job, work on getting the house in good shape, and therapy for myself.

she discouraged the idea of me giving up on college and that i should just "get over" the fact that i was devastatingly broken from the break up. she was my first real relationship and became a huge part of my life of trying to get it to work only for it to shatter like glass in front of my eyes.

this led to me tweeting out, hinting that i won't be alive the next day. lots of people flooded my notifications trying to reach out along with my ex who tried to call me but i ignored everyone. my ex called the cops to do a wellness check on me, i left with them to go to the hospital because i couldn't guarantee that i wouldn't go through with what i was going to do.

couple days in the hospital i was transferred to a psychiatric unit for almost a week before being released. was prescribed prozac and trazodone which i took for a while but quit using a few months ago.

ilikexd 05-12-2020 01:07 AM

Re: life story thread
 
It feels like the FFR community is much more open about very personal life details than any other online community I've looked at it or been in. I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's all been very interesting so far. And it also makes me want to share my own life story.

Funnygurl555 05-12-2020 05:19 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychoangel691 (Post 4730501)
I last posted in September and I already could write a whole extra chapter of shit that went down between now and then. I need a vacation from my life man

i feel. yeeeesh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlexDest (Post 4730509)
i have no energy to post my entire life story of why i'm molded into the empty husk that is me

but starting in may, 2019 was the worst year for me by far. i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that ended abruptly which left me with a shattered heart and mind. during august i tried to pick up the broken pieces by going back to college to pursue automotive technology.

i had a really rough start to a day where i woke up from a dream i had where she wanted me back and wanted to try again. of course this was a shitty thing to wake up from and left me feeling empty for the rest of the day. i started breaking down crying during the evening while i was stressing out on schoolwork that i was trying to get ahead on.

i told my mom that i thought i wasn't in the right mindset to work on school at the moment, and that i wanted to work on getting my license, a crappy full-time job, work on getting the house in good shape, and therapy for myself.

she discouraged the idea of me giving up on college and that i should just "get over" the fact that i was devastatingly broken from the break up. she was my first real relationship and became a huge part of my life of trying to get it to work only for it to shatter like glass in front of my eyes.

this led to me tweeting out, hinting that i won't be alive the next day. lots of people flooded my notifications trying to reach out along with my ex who tried to call me but i ignored everyone. my ex called the cops to do a wellness check on me, i left with them to go to the hospital because i couldn't guarantee that i wouldn't go through with what i was going to do.

couple days in the hospital i was transferred to a psychiatric unit for almost a week before being released. was prescribed prozac and trazodone which i took for a while but quit using a few months ago.

how's the past few months been?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilikexd (Post 4730520)
It feels like the FFR community is much more open about very personal life details than any other online community I've looked at it or been in. I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's all been very interesting so far. And it also makes me want to share my own life story.

:O

Hakulyte 05-12-2020 05:58 AM

Re: life story thread
 
My life is pretty simple.

I play video games and watch anime. (haha escapism)
I don't drink, do drugs or smoke. (yey)
I got fat. (oh no)
I loss the fat by playing FFR on keyboard. (lol)
I never had a relationship. (haha)
I have very few friends, but they're pretty cool. (wooo)
I beat school. (gg)
I went to college in computer science. (whoa)
I quit in the last semester because I don't like computer science. (haha)
I recycled what I learned with what I wanted to do and found a job. (weee)
I got a car. (yus)
I got epilepsy. (oh noes)
I couldn't drive a car anymore. (oh noes)
I took meds for 3 years to get back to normal. (huh)
I'm back to normal without meds. (yus)
I can drive a car now. (yus)
I don't really get nervous anymore because of the meds. (cool feature yus)
I used my school experience to help me move up in the work ladder. (yey)
My personal life is a joke and I feel like I shouldn't bother with feelings. (haha)
I'll probably just keep working and try to maintain a balanced life. (yey)
Not quite sure what the future will hold. (mystery)

Bolth mannn 05-12-2020 06:39 AM

Re: life story thread
 
I love your self commentary^

SubaruPoptart 05-12-2020 12:11 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Life story as of right now. When I'm in a much better frame of mind I'll do another one of these, but here's what's happening right now. I'm super young still so I may be able to come back to this in a few years and reflect, which I super look forward to being able to do.


Stuff's gotten progressively worse and worse but I'm still managing slightly. I really only have one person to talk about it to and I think getting it out to a lotta other people will do me a bunch of good.

Been hiding some stuff I have for a bit, gonna continue hiding some of it because I'm still not too comfortable but I've mentioned one thing in particular before in the past. Just know that it's slightly affecting me, and also helping me at the same time.


School's stressful, this is nothing new, but especially now. I hate the video-call format. I've never been one for one-on-one talks with anything or anybody, physical or virtual. Only very specific people am I comfortable with talking one-on-one with or those I feel I trust. But all that aside I just... haven't attended online classes because of that. I try to do the work but I never can because of HELLA anxiety which is a result of not doing the things so it's just a feedback loop.

The school's not very clear with their information either, stating at the beginning of the year that GPA and credit won't be applied, yet at the same time around the 6th of may subtly implying that credit IS being applied this year yet GPA still won't be affected, on top of that releasing "progress reports" which are pretty much just report cards online, is never a good time. They stated a few days ago that school ends May 29th which is fantastic, I was startin to feel happy about that but then just yesterday announced something was due on June 1st, so I don't think they can even keep track of what they're stating or they're just blatantly contradicting themselves, or I just missed something completely, because I attend homeroom since I absolutely have to. I get the information from homeroom, go to do the first class of the day, then just blank out and sit there for a bit and then next thing I know the "school" day's done. I go to the computer downstairs and just go on with my day slightly worry-free.

All that aside life's slightly OK, with this virus bullshit blah blah blah changed my way of life blah blah "UnCerTaIN TiMeS" but what's really got me worried is the fact that all three adults in my house are immunocompromised, and having just one get sick could spell disaster for the rest of just everything. Two still go to work as they're considered either emergency or essential and we're all paranoid as hell, and all this paranoia, anxiety, and straight up fear/dread has also contributed to me just not doing anything school-related.

It's a self-dug hole I've gotten myself into as I have zero credit for this trimester after getting fucking jebaited by the school, and now don't know what to do. We either have a month or 2 weeks left of the school year, depends on how the school district's feeling that day I guess, and I have no way of making up work since they ALSO changed the grading system just recently so anything I haven't done I CAN'T do since they can't just switch the grades over. It's all bullshit, it's slightly self-inflicted and it's entirely awful.

All the badness aside, stuff's going SLIGHTLY well. I can't go outside anymore due to stuff I mentioned above so I can't go on walks that would calm me down and clear my head, but I have, as Haku put above, escapism! Video-games are kinda the only solace I have atm, which I guess is still something. Minecraft, Terraria, Idle Games, FFR of course, it's pretty nice for the most part. It's not working as well as I'd hoped it to, but it's definitely helping some.

Emotions are another issue, I don't really feel them sometimes. Sometimes it's just a very dull pressurized sensation in my chest which I can tell for a fact is anxiety, yet I feel completely normal. Otherwise I'm either slightly happy, "angry gamer mode", or just totally neutral. It's only in-between, there's no real distinct things going on.

Having taken a break to collect myself between writing this, I'm rambly as hell. So apologies if stuff doesn't seem to make sense sometimes. I think as fast as I type so you're seeing it exactly how I'm thinking it.

Szamar Madar - Venetian Snares, Undiscovered Colors - Flashbulb, Frame of Mind - Tristam + Braken, and a few other songs have been my tether to reality as of late, and all-a-y'all have been, too. FFR's something for me to focus on that's not all the bad shit in the world and for that I'm grateful. Learning a foreign language, too. I get to talk to so many other people, and I get to learn stuff about a new culture, learn how words came to be and help others who may not be able to, get past a language barrier which makes me feel really good. I've been working on Portuguese as of late and will attempt to make the jump to Italian whenever I'm able to speak Portuguese as well as I speak Spanish.

This year as a whole's gonna be one I try to forget as a whole. The bad stuff, anyway. I'm totally hitting Division 7 sometime this year. Ever since January 1st, it's been one long skillboost, a permanent one at that. I don't see it ending anytime soon, either. Just last night I figured out Bridgeport somewhat, and blackflagged OMW. So good stuff'll stay, everything else can go, though. But yeah. that's about it for now.


TL;DR, the quotes that aren't spoilered in my signature are how life's going right now, but it won't be like that forever. So I have whenever it gets better to look forward to. Apologies if I didn't quite grasp the purpose of this thread, too. I saw a bunch of vents and figured I could try too.

Funnygurl555 05-12-2020 07:36 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bolth mannn (Post 4730531)
I love your self commentary^

i read it as haiku ad libbing

how old are you Subaru?

DaBackpack 05-13-2020 02:39 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hakulyte (Post 4730530)
My life is pretty simple.

I got epilepsy. (oh noes)
I couldn't drive a car anymore. (oh noes)
I took meds for 3 years to get back to normal. (huh)
I'm back to normal without meds. (yus)
I can drive a car now. (yus)

damn this same exact thing happened to me too

beyond the other stuff I posted earlier, my depression absolutely accelerated when I started graduate school, as well as my guilt complex. eventually I started having seizures-- not totally sure why, probably a combination of dad reentering my life, impostor syndrome, qualifying exams, and falling behind with research

the seizures and stress ultimately forced me to leave grad school after 4 years. I never got a degree from it, and I never proposed or started my PhD thesis

I moved home to my family for around a year to correct my health issues and enter the local job market. at least if the epilepsy continued I would only be an hour drive from my sister and my mother.

things have gotten better generally since I got a real job. the quarantine has been fucking me up quite a bit though, the lack of social interaction and being able to go outside and stuff. recently I've been doing 36-hour weekend sleeping sessions, which is obviously bad for a number of reasons. not sure how to fix that

Funnygurl555 05-13-2020 04:36 PM

Re: life story thread
 
is a degree something you want? i got the impression that you were disillusioned with grad school before

mi40 05-13-2020 04:43 PM

Re: life story thread
 
born
study
work
invest
work
retire
travel
die

i'm on stage "invest" so i'll see you guys in 25 years

DotKritic 06-16-2020 02:10 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DotKritic (Post 4698828)
I currently work for Amazon. Going to University for Art History, Health, or Communications starting Fall 2020.

UPDATE: Still at Amazon (surprisingly). Fall 2020 degree stated above was scrapped after my application was denied. Tried Purdue University Global for Supply Chain Management & Logistics this past May. Scrapping that after the term is up next month. and solely going for my Combination Welder - Certificate of Technology degree from a local community college this fall. I don't really see a future with Amazon if I can't get promoted by next spring (when I plan on wrapping up my welder degree). Welding can bring in some great money.

Rolling over that 401(k) whenever I leave.

choof 06-16-2020 03:11 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ilikexd (Post 4730520)
It feels like the FFR community is much more open about very personal life details than any other online community I've looked at it or been in. I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's all been very interesting so far. And it also makes me want to share my own life story.

good point I deleted all of my long posts itt because of it

iironiic 06-16-2020 04:00 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Long time no see :) I think the last time I was active in the community was when I was in my junior year of undergraduate (about 7 years ago). Here's what happened to me:

- Completed my bachelors degree in mathematics while I was abroad at Budapest, Hungary.
- Enrolled in Ph.D. mathematics program but decided to quit it because I wasn't ready to go into a research career due to personal issues
- Moved to Orange County, California for a temporary teaching position in mathematics. Met a roommate who introduced me to data science.
- Moved back home to NYC to complete a data science bootcamp and to work as a data engineer in finance
- Enrolled in my second Masters program to update my quantitative and gain technical skills for the industry.
- Moved to DC (where I'm currently based) to continue my data science career in consulting with government clients

Here and there, I have done a handful of freelancing projects in research and data science, built my personal website, dated a handful of women and found myself in a relationship, spent time and go on vacation with my friends and family (most recently New Orleans with friends before pandemic lockdown), and played League from time to time. Now I'm fitting FFR back in my busy schedule to see how rusty I am and to reconnect with some old friends. I probably won't be as serious as I was before, but I'll play the game to mentally destress via bashing my fingers against the keyboard.

Funnygurl555 06-16-2020 06:33 PM

Re: life story thread
 
eh why not


since my last post, i became a citizen 8). i saw my brother at the ceremony and was mentally gone for a bit, but i was in treatment so i was able to deal. i tried rekindling a relationship with my parents but that never truly worked out. in october i came out to them, which was as bad as it could've been. one of my friends from treatment tried to get me back into comedy, and i did my first set since getting sober on my mom. it went well, but it was kinda dark. after that, i started getting more serious about comedy and started hitting up local comedy clubs in the twin cities. i started going to therapy pretty regularly because i still wasn't okay after my life legit blowing up. my dad got so depressed after i came out that he yeeted off to somalia, where he still is.

i finished treatment in december, and that meant that treatment wasn't paying for my housing anymore. i thought i'd be okay, since i had a few part-time gigs, but i didn't count on the holidays being a hard time to make money. i spent that month not knowing if i was gonna be able to make my sober house's rent in jan and mentally prepping myself to be homeless. one of my last-ditch efforts was getting a job at target, which is where i still work, but i didn't start until late january anyways.

once it was pretty obvious i wasn't gonna get enough money i applied for emergency assistance through the government, and on new years eve i was approved. i was on the streets a week later anyways, because the check didn't go directly to my sober house owner and instead to the actual owner of the house-- it was some bullshit. i spent a night in a shelter and the following morning asked the govt center to talk to my sober house owner and i was let back in. i came down with the flu a couple days later and was in bed for a week. i didn't get to start working again until late jan, which was w a y too late to make a paycheck to pay rent, so once again i was screwed. i asked my sober house owner if she could wait a week. she declined and told me to ask family or friends for money-- i must have money, right? because i went to princeton, so i have "RICH PRINCETON FRIENDS." i gave her a big no and she gave me 30 minutes to pack my shit (even though i still had a couple days until feb lawwdd i still hate this woman). i packed my shit while crying and cursing about my sober house owner to my roommates. they helped me get back into the shelter i went into last time.

i hopped on the bus to get there before it closed, but my phone died and i didn't have directions, which meant i wasn't even gonna make it there in time. i went into a restaurant to charge my phone and asked my sponsor if she could drive me there. and she responded by letting me sleep on her couch until i got on my feet again. she fucking saved me.

three weeks later i found the place i'm currently at (not a sober house, BLESS ugh). i worked two jobs-- one at target and one as a tutor-- and began saving up so that i'd never have to go through that again. when the pandemic hit i couldn't tutor anymore so i just work at target, which has been pretty nice honestly. i had my gripes with that tutoring gig, though it was good money not gonna lie.

my mom got in contact with me again to tell me that my sister was an alcoholic. she wanted my help because i fixed my own shit. my sister didn't know that i knew about her substance abuse issues though, so i was funneling advice through my mom. turned out that her husband was both physically and emotionally abusive, so i started telling my mom to get her out, but she refused because there were kids involved (same kids who see their dad beating their mom but alright). couple weeks later my sister was in the hospital because her husband attempted to kill her. he was in jail awaiting trial, but they dropped the charges on him because they have a family. anyways i was so freaking mad about this i refused to help my family through shit anymore. last i heard she still drank and was going in and out of treatments. whatever.

since then life's actually been like... stable. for the first time in YEARS there hasn't been some bullshit to go through and it's like SO NICE oh my god. like i'm a normal person. i mean there was a pandemic and the protests here recently, but that's the world going through stuff and not just me, you know? it's been good. i have no idea what to do from here, though.

i'm also still sober which has been awesome for me. wouldn't have thought that a year ago, damn. i'm a square

edit: there's like, some wild stories about the friends i've made in recovery but that didn't impact my life as much as it taught me some life lessons

Dynam0 06-17-2020 02:05 PM

Re: life story thread
 
grats on the sobriety, i'm giving it a shot too

dAnceguy117 06-17-2020 05:28 PM

Re: life story thread
 
<3

Dynam0 07-9-2020 03:05 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dynam0 (Post 4731679)
grats on the sobriety, i'm giving it a shot too

I messed up and relapsed after 18 days, gotta start over. That's probably the longest I've been sober in years though so aye

Funnygurl555 07-9-2020 04:21 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dynam0 (Post 4733560)
I messed up and relapsed after 18 days, gotta start over. That's probably the longest I've been sober in years though so aye

the most important part is that you keep getting up so dont be hard on yourself :)

rayword45 07-9-2020 06:58 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aperson (Post 4649254)
D.A.R.E. would be a lot more effective if they just livestreamed your life

unironically this continues to define my life before and during coronavirus, and it probably will after, all covid has done for me so far is given me severe cabin fever, rave withdrawals and actual longing for a meaningful relationship over random nihilistic sex and intoxicants for the first time in my life

besides that, i got my degree and commence my singular year of grad school next month, then hopefully I leave the shithole that is MA, go somewhere more poppin, get money and learn how to be a functioning human being instead of hating everyone almost as much as i hate myself

Funnygurl555 07-9-2020 10:26 PM

Re: life story thread
 
yo congrats on that bachelors!!!

edit: another life update for me-- I'm getting a license to be an addiction counselor :)

DaBackpack 07-10-2020 04:57 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by rayword45 (Post 4733572)
unironically this continues to define my life before and during coronavirus, and it probably will after, all covid has done for me so far is given me severe cabin fever, rave withdrawals and actual longing for a meaningful relationship over random nihilistic sex and intoxicants for the first time in my life

besides that, i got my degree and commence my singular year of grad school next month, then hopefully I leave the shithole that is MA, go somewhere more poppin, get money and learn how to be a functioning human being instead of hating everyone almost as much as i hate myself

congratulations!! from my experience, for some reason it emotionally feels a lot better to be employed than to be in school or unemployed. it eases a bit of the self-loathing to "feel like a contributing member of society" in a working capacity (this is probably just internalized capitalism speaking, but the feeling is real).

on a pragmatic level, employment leads to financial and lifestyle stability, which also feels really good. (compared against school or unemployment, where the year-to-year instability can grind against your soul). At any rate, stability in your life is a form of comfort, and if this stable state also makes you content and satisfied, that's a really good thing

EDIT: funnygurl I'm so proud of you, that's awesome.

Dr. Toboggan 07-10-2020 07:04 PM

Re: life story thread
 
humdrum inbetweener band kid with married suburb parents writes music in FL Studio throughout teenage years and goes to college for it, drops out after realizing music school is a sham and subsequently dad has midlife crisis, cheating & putting family in debt, splitting family apart. now lives with mom after family has short homeless stint and continues to try and make music career, lucky enough that music royalties pay for rent but still deals with sobriety problem & crippling lack of ability to connect with anyone, hoping to fix that and someday soon perform live music while living in apartment of own

Funnygurl555 12-26-2020 02:34 AM

Re: life story thread
 
DABOOBITY BA DA BBBOOOOM DO DANANA

here we go again

who's gonna submit/update this time?

ight gn

ilikexd 12-26-2020 02:57 AM

Re: life story thread
 
I want to submit

Bolth mannn 12-26-2020 08:19 AM

Re: life story thread
 
is here where i post extremely personal aspects of my life due to counselling being too expensive?

Funnygurl555 12-26-2020 09:47 AM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bolth mannn (Post 4753861)
is here where i post extremely personal aspects of my life due to counselling being too expensive?

so what's your life story bolthy

why are you in australia

ilikexd pls actually submit tho lol

Charu 12-26-2020 10:42 AM

Re: life story thread
 
I dished out a lot of money this year due to circumstances that were beyond my control.

Pretty much that's my life story for this year.

mi40 12-26-2020 03:23 PM

Re: life story thread
 
im still on stage invest but i think i can retire before 36 so that's a thing

Trogdor!!!! 12-26-2020 09:00 PM

Re: life story thread
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ilikexd (Post 4730520)
It feels like the FFR community is much more open about very personal life details than any other online community I've looked at it or been in. I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's all been very interesting so far. And it also makes me want to share my own life story.

Do it you won't

Nathan more like LAMEthan am I right guys


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