Flash Flash Revolution - everyone welcome back alioth

Ok I need to address a lot of things because I...didn't realize how bad things could end up becoming from me returning:

[5/7/16, 6:37:52 PM] ---: Choof is fearing for his life because you returned
[5/7/16, 6:37:59 PM] ---: lurker also reported you
[5/7/16, 6:38:07 PM] ---: For similar reasons
[5/7/16, 6:38:15 PM] ---: Lurker said you stalked him endlessly

I know this is true, and for reasons that I couldn't control how I acted back then because of stress with family, college, and everything got to me. I...never wanted anyone to fear for their lives because of me. The amount of guilt I am feeling from finding this out - it's...unreal, but I believe it because I know what I have put everyone through on here. It's unforgivable, I used members as a punching bag, and let my anger consume me. I would be lying if I said I was shocked about this because I knew I had it coming from miles away. I am fine now, and what I did back then was completely unforgivable, and if I could take all the pain that I caused back then and get rid of it all, I would. However, the fact of the matter is that I wasn't mentally right back then, and I don't think there will be any convincing to anyone that I actually am a lot more stable now. I made a post in my art thread, and I'll post it here, too:

'Might as well post here since it's been like...two years about. A lot has changed with me, my perspective on life and how I go about it. I am very sorry to those in the community that I threatened, was aggressive to, and basically went psycho crazy on. I was...not myself, and I was full of rage for reasons in my own life. I am not excusing my actions on here one bit, and I'll become a better person.

I should say that I have a few mental diagnostics that clouded my judgment on situations, not that this is fully the blame...just a very small part to help you understand me more:

- Autism non-specified
- Anxiety Disorder
- Mood Disorder
- Major Depressive Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Borderline Disorder
- ADHD

These are things I had to deal with my whole life, and it's not easy...smiling one minute, then the next becoming very suicidal because of how I perceived a person's (or people's) actions and what-not (for a span of days). The thing that hurt me the most is how I retorted, and how like...undeniably crazy I acted to people on here. It easily made me look like a sociopath and psychotic. I felt hurt, and it translated in my real life because right before I made that post on my birthday of 2014, I had days where I'd become hysterical (crying, feeling extremely confused, angry, and suicidal). I just...didn't expect things to turn so south in the way they did back then.

Looking at how I acted, I understood why things are the way they are now, and it's something I ask for forgiveness and respect of. You don't necessarily have to accept this to be, but...I'll work on letting my feelings just be. Thank you for understanding, and I am very sorry.'

To be more in-depth with how I acted, yes I did say stuff to choof that could be considered a death threat. I was real angry, and I had my reasons to be at the time because I wanted everyone to stop making me a topic of conversation based on how I acted and shit. Do I regret making the threat?? Absolutely I do! I went to therapy a few days after that happened, explaining what went down and such, and my therapist scolded me on the situation, saying "why do I bother putting myself and others in a position that was undeniably dangerous and stupid?" I did not understand what she meant about it back then, but then it took about two weeks to set in my head. Looking back at this incident that happened in 2015...I want to remove it from existence and such, and yea, I was hurting extremely badly and acting on my hurt emotions, but I would NEVER go out of my way to kill somebody. I just want to go over facts real quick:

- choof lives in Colorado
- I live in New York

It wouldn't be possible for me to do anything to either choof or lurker, and the main reason isn't because of distance, it's because I am not the type of person that wants to add more malice into this fucked up world. I know the world has very fucked up individuals and groups, and I learned that as I grew throughout the past two years I have been gone from here. I...don't have any expectations of being forgiven at all, to be quite frank, and if I was in choof or lurker's position then, yea, I would've had myself arrested because I did act really harsh.

It was a very loose death threat I sent to choof, but nonetheless, I sent him it and it wasn't right of me. I pulled up a post of his from 2007/08 (I forget when) that said for ME to kill myself because I am useless, which lead me to, of course, retort back when I was mad at him last year. I am in the wrong completely for my actions because I basically told him that he should kill himself and that nobody gives a damn about another troll spinning shit sideways. In reality...I was that troll, and I did not see it at all until it was pointed out. However, I didn't reflect on these actions until October of 2015...which was when I met a clique that was real psychotic and full of sociopaths.

After disbanding from that clique, because going into information about them wouldn't justify this anymore, I realized how scarring my actions towards choof, lurker, and others here were. So why did I come back here? Why would I go back to a website that everyone fears and loathes me so badly on?? I did it because I wanted to give closure on this whole thing, and hopefully move on with the rest of the community. From what it looks like now...I won't be staying on here for long because admins have been notified, and everyone's scared. I can only say this from my heart, and I really mean it this time:

I'm sorry, and it will NEVER happen again.

I spoke in depth with an admin and a few friends on here about how I acted, and my emotional moods took me over completely within the last two years. I don't want to convince you guys that I am a better person for my benefit, as that would be selfish...I just want to keep this a safe place for everyone that's been on here already, and I closed the door of acting out of my psychosis half a year ago.

By no means am I perfect and the ideal member that keeps his cool 100% because nobody is like that at all, as much as we like to think that is. I would like to say though, that I will try my absolute best, even harder than that, to keep everything from boiling and exploding for now on.

Thank you for reading this, and I am sorry that we are all at this point.

Edit: I'm gonna leave the forums. I'd rather do that than put anyone through anymore pain from dealing with me. Bye everyone~