Old 05-13-2009, 09:30 PM   #1
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Default Love

My darling, my treasure, my gilded trinket among junk
You fill me with passion, with longing, with chivalry
with a fervor for your service I can liken to being drunk
with the slightest touch or even look I'm up in revelry.

In a moment nothing more my whole life you could destroy
if you pushed me away like a child's unwanted play-thing.
And oh how fitting to liken me to your simple, mindless toy
as I gaze at you from afar wishing to make you wear my ring.

Yes indeed, that's my intent, to spend my life in your presence
yearning only for your laugh or your slightly crooked smile.
I find frightened and alone whenever I suffer your absence
but I do console myself in knowing that you'll be back in a while.

Oh darling, oh treasure, oh wonders unknown as of yet
let us soon be united so that I may soon get my dick wet.
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:34 PM   #2
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Default Re: Love

you would
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:43 PM   #3
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Default Re: Love

This poem isn't perfect. You don't stick perfectly to iambic pentameter, and being a purist I kind of dislike that. But perhaps-- and you might agree with me here-- certain liberties should be taken so as to express our inward feelings; not all of our emotions fit into common poetic metrics.

I usually complain when people don't make a decent effort.. but your poem has convinced me that it doesn't really matter all that much.

I mean, what else can I say? I love this. It's so beautiful and romantic.

The last line... I almost cried. Almost. I held it in, but damn you had me all emotional and ****.
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:55 PM   #4
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Default Re: Love

Isn't this a little direct? I like poems that make me think about what it might mean, instead of just giving me what is meant.

Isn't that the fun of poetry? Plus, it gives you more space to expand the scope of the descriptiveness of it. Oddly enough, it seems "descriptiveness" is a word. No red line! ;D

Anyway, that's all I have to say.
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