Old 04-3-2009, 06:07 PM   #1
kitkat9
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Default A poem that I had no idea what to title

There is definitely parts in here that can use some revising. I really don't know how to fix it though. So I am posting it here hoping that I will get some feedback on how I can improve it.

Untitled

You are caught now, like a deer in headlights
You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears.
You must break free or you will forever be condemned.

You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for,
And what if you gave it all and received nothing.
Would it really matter?

You've been waiting for this one day all your life,
it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented.
But it is now that you must stop holding your head down,
You shant Give it up!
Get a hold of yourself now!
Or you might as well forget it all.

Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless?
You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak.
Are you really still bound by the fear?
Can't you speak or are you just doomed here?

You're there again, a deer in headlights.
You've given up.
To save your own life.
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Old 04-3-2009, 06:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

thats pretty good i think its cool
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Old 04-3-2009, 07:12 PM   #3
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

wow good job . um for the poem title: how does "You shant give up" sound? i don't know, just a suggestion. hope that helps
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Old 04-3-2009, 09:27 PM   #4
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

thanks a lot for the reply (and the profile vote) and I think You Shant Give Up will do splendidly. Thanks very much =)
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Old 04-4-2009, 03:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Oh god, it's like every line has been taken from a song.
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Old 04-4-2009, 06:53 PM   #6
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat9 View Post
thanks a lot for the reply (and the profile vote) and I think You Shant Give Up will do splendidly. Thanks very much =)
cool I'm glad I helped in someway
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Old 04-10-2009, 12:25 AM   #7
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tokzic View Post
Oh god, it's like every line has been taken from a song.
But isn't poetry music?
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Old 04-10-2009, 12:42 AM   #8
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Staring Like a Deer Caught in the Headlight - Ariel Morris


Also poetry is not music. Smart one.
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Old 04-10-2009, 01:08 AM   #9
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Like a deer in headlights is a very common simile.

And music that had lyrics started out as poetry with instruments! Smart one.
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Old 04-10-2009, 04:24 PM   #10
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Quote:
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Staring Like a Deer Caught in the Headlight - Ariel Morris


Also poetry is not music. Smart one.
True poetry is not music but music can be poetry
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Old 04-10-2009, 04:28 PM   #11
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1mpuls3 View Post
True poetry is not music but music can be poetry
And she was thing that true poetry is music, which is wrong.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:11 PM   #12
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

I'm sure the problem wasn't that the lines sounded like they should be in a song, I think it's that they sound like they were taken out of songs that already came up with the lines.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:18 PM   #13
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Look, this arguement can go on for forever and a day. I would appreciate it if it could just be dropped. This is my work I'm sorry if everyone else would like to think other wise.

If you have comments that could improve the poem then please make them.
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Old 04-10-2009, 09:45 PM   #14
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Why are "Give" and "Dig" capitalized? Are they important? If yes then why? If not then lowercase them.
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:58 AM   #15
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

name it dicks
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:25 PM   #16
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat9 View Post
If you have comments that could improve the poem then please make them.
you could delete it

or write something that isn't stupidly cliche
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Old 04-12-2009, 12:08 PM   #17
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Half of this poem is from that Scary Kids Scaring Kids song. Learn to plagiarize.


You are caught now, like a deer in headlights
You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears.

You must break free or you will forever be condemned.

You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for,
And what if you gave it all and received nothing.
Would it really matter?

You've been waiting for this one day all your life,
it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented.
But it is now that you must stop holding your head down,
You shant Give it up!
Get a hold of yourself now!

Or you might as well forget it all.

Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless?
You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak.
Are you really still bound by the fear?

Can't you speak or are you just doomed here?

You're there again, a deer in headlights.
You've given up.
To save your own life.
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Note to self Finish.

Last edited by GamerShadow; 04-12-2009 at 12:11 PM..
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Old 04-12-2009, 06:20 PM   #18
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

Hahahahahaha owned




Quote:
Originally Posted by GamerShadow View Post
Half of this poem is from that Scary Kids Scaring Kids song. Learn to plagiarize.


You are caught now, like a deer in headlights
You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears.

You must break free or you will forever be condemned.

You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for,
And what if you gave it all and received nothing.
Would it really matter?

You've been waiting for this one day all your life,
it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented.
But it is now that you must stop holding your head down,
You shant Give it up!
Get a hold of yourself now!

Or you might as well forget it all.

Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless?
You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak.
Are you really still bound by the fear?

Can't you speak or are you just doomed here?

You're there again, a deer in headlights.
You've given up.
To save your own life.
__________________


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Old 04-12-2009, 06:27 PM   #19
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

What a lying bitch.
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Old 04-12-2009, 07:09 PM   #20
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Default Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title

oh my god gamershadow lmfao
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