Old 04-28-2009, 10:38 PM   #1
SuperRose9
FFR Player
 
SuperRose9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: In that one city and state
Posts: 19
Send a message via AIM to SuperRose9
Default Some Original Stories!!!!

Hey gang! I'm trying to become a reknown author, so I thought I'd try to ask people what they thought of a few of my short stories. If you could read them and leave me some feedback or even ideas about what I should write, that'd be AMAZING!!! Here's my first short story called Fully Alive-


The car spun out of control as the boy struggled to keep his hands on the wheel. His fingers ached and burned against the hot rubber; he had to let go. He released his choking grip and allowed the car to skid for a couple hundred feet. Beside him, his girlfriend shrieked a bloodcurdling scream. She hadn’t noticed what was happening until that very moment. Neither of them saw the heavy redwood tree blocking the terrain. And neither of them felt the pain for a moment. The boy felt himself flying, then something stabbed into his chest. It was a real pain, not something he was imagining. He screamed in pain, then decided to try to take out the sword. Actually, he soon learned it was only a tree branch, and that he couldn’t take it out even if he wanted to. It had pierced his heart, and was now stuck inside one of the chambers. He tugged on it, but then found a pinching or tearing pain, so he stopped. It took him a moment to calm down a bit, then to stand took all of his strength. Then he wished that he hadn’t ditched during P.E.. To stand up, he leaned against the tree that had pinned him for support. The pain was unendurable, but he lived through it. Now to walk over to the car. He tried to count his steps so he wouldn’t focus on the pain. One step. In his mind, images of what his girlfriend and his light-blue 1998 Ford would look like appeared bluntly. Two steps. He listened to the silence, trying to somewhat embrace it(for silence was a treat that he never received). Three steps. He didn’t know how much

more of this he could take, it was getting kinda annoying. Four steps. It wasn’t going to be long before he went crazy from counting, so he stopped at four steps. But he did keep going until the moment he reached his beloved car and his girlfriend. His car was a wreck. The front of it had completely collapsed in, revealing the entire engine and some of the parts were roped on the trees branches. He stumbled over to the passenger side and the sight almost killed him. She was pinned to the dashboard in an awkward position, her arms crushed against it and her head resting on it gently, as if asleep. Blood trickled from her forehead and smeared as it ran down the dashboard and puddled in her lap. “Amy?” His vision altered slightly as she opened her eyes and stared at him in pure terror.
“Blake!? What happened!? What’s going on!? Am I dying!?” He stood there in confusion for a quick breath, then held her good hand softly.
“You’ll be okay Amy...we just have to find a way to get somewhere...” He could feel himself swooning under the pressure of gravity himself. His mind was spinning and the reeking smell of blood, all rustic and coppery, really made his stomach lurch. It was when Amy screamed his name, when he felt his face hit the sweet-smelling earth, that he let himself fall into the unconsciousness that he secretly had desired all along...
When Blake opened his eyes, he had a quick moment of pure disorientation. But an unfamiliar smiling face sent him spinning back to reality. I was just in a car accident...right? He tried to speak the words, but he felt something cold and surprisingly bony push up against his lips.
“Don’t speak just yet...you’re going to be just fine. My name is Julie Erickson, I’m the one that saved you from that crash...” Blake couldn’t help himself anymore. After a slight pause

from trying to sit up, he demanded in as loud a voice as he could muster.
“Where’s...Where’s Amy?” That was it? It was barely a whisper! Julie stared at him with big brown eyes, then shook her head.
“I’m sorry Blake...but she didn’t quite make it to this ranger center...” Blake’s mind was racing a million miles an hour. Dead!? She can’t be dead! She was...No! She still IS only 17...As his mind kept screaming truths he doubted would ever come true, Julie surprised him with a crazy chipmunk-sounding laugh. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love the look on your face right now! This is so classic!” Blake was beside himself. How could someone ever be this cruel?
“How can you say that right now?...She was my girlfriend...” Tears began to come to his eyes quickly, and since he couldn’t move his hand for some strange reason, the tears flowed too freely down his slightly rounded cheeks. Julie looked at him, still laughing, then rustled his shaggy blonde hair with a small and perfectly manicured hand.
“I was kidding Blake...she’s fine! I put her in another room until you woke up, so if you want visitors, I’ll be happy to go and get her for you...” Blake stared at the woman for a brief moment, studying her features. She was tall and slim, with long graying hair and slyly shaped green eyes. Whenever she smiled, a single snaggletooth hung from her lower jaw, and her ears seemed to be too big for her very head. She was full of wrinkles, but when she spoke or laughed, she sounded like she wasn’t a day over twenty-four. I don’t know this woman...how could she have found us if we were in the middle of nowhere? It took him a moment to gather his thoughts and put them into words, but he was finally able to ask her how he got here. “Oh! That’s the easy part! You see...” she began to admit softly. “I kind of followed you to the Interstate...after you played the big Championship football game...which you played very well,” she interrupted to

praise him. He nodded slowly, wincing when there was a kink in his lower neck. “Well...I noticed you were driving towards the redwood forest...and who doesn’t know that that’s an illegal place to drive? So I followed you and Amy to make sure you would be okay. But when I saw your car, I fell on my knees and prayed. But I saw you staggering towards a tree. It made my heart just sing with joy that you were okay. When you passed out, I made my move. I brought you and Amy both here, and I’ve taken care of your injuries and made sure you can walk.” Blake blinked a couple of times to make sure this was real...and it was.
“Well...” he cleared his throat, trying to sound tougher. “Can I speak to Amy now?”
“Of course you can!” Julie agreed hastily and cheerfully as she seemed to glide out of the room. Blake lay in silence for a moment, dazed by the entire situation, then smiled the first genuine smile he had in weeks as Amy hobbled in. She was leaning on a crutch, but she didn’t seem that much different. Except for the three-inch scar across her forehead, going horizontally.
“Amy!” She laughed as Blake tried to put his arm around her, then hugged him carefully and lightly.
“I’m so glad you’re all right..” she began gleefully, but her tone changed once she was sure Julie had left the room. They both listened intently to the noises around them, but all they could hear was the sound of running water. “We have to get out of here...” she cried desperately as Blake pulled the long off-white pajama shirt Julie was letting him use from her late husband. “This woman is senile! I looked at some of the news articles around the station, and they’re all about murder scenes that have occurred here in the past eighteen weeks...she just escaped from prison!” Blake looked at Amy with a bewildered look, then laughed out loud.
“You’re kidding, right!? I mean, c’mon Amy! You’re just taking the plot from that

Stephen King book you read last week!” She glared at him, mouthing the words, ‘trust me’, then smiled an all-too friendly smile as Julie walked in.
“Time for your bath, Blake. Amy, you can go back to your room now.” As she said this, Blake noticed a glazed look come to her eye. It was strange, like the stages between drunkenness and total insanity. As he stripped down and lowered himself into the big water basin below, he couldn’t help but to think about that look. It was a fresh mental image, one that would haunt his innermost thoughts for a long while. Maybe Amy’s right. His mind considered all of the possibilities of Julie being crazy, but no proof came to mind. He shrugged as he massaged the shampoo into his blonde mess of tangles and dirt, then leaned his head back into the lukewarm water to wash it out. After he had washed his body, scrubbing as hard as he could to relieve himself of the dried blood that had stuck to the left side of his chest, he got out and wrapped a towel around his waist. When he staggered out (his walking still wasn’t the best...), Julie was sitting there, waiting for him. “How was your bath?” He gave her a look that meant ‘leave-me-alone-I-don’t-want-to-talk’. Julie pouted then went over to tuck Blake back into the bed. But as she started walking over, she paused in mid-step. Blake walked over, after putting on a fresh pair of jeans that were 2 sizes too large for him, and waved a steady hand in front of her face. Julie just stood there, a dumb look on her face. Blake waved a few more times, but the anger finally got the best of him as he pushed her to the ground. She landed in the same position she had paused in, one arm slightly raised above her head, her right foot resting on an invisible stool. Her mouth was curved up slightly, and her nose was somewhat wrinkled out of laughter. Blake examined her, totally confused, then noticed something of significant importance. A tiny key was placed in the center of her back. Blake poked it and jumped back, ready for it to bite him or

something, but he came back and wound it up. Julie’s expression changed drastically as she stood up, her body jerking massively. “You found out my little secret, Blake? Good boy...smart boy. But unfortunately, I can’t let you leave now that you know about it...” Blake turned to run, but then felt a porcelain hand grab at his shoulder. “ Come back Blakey...I’m not finished with you yet.” Blake let out a bloodcurdling scream as Julie reached up her hand in a robotic manner and slammed it down against his right shoulder blade. It let out a sharp crack as it shattered the bone, then his arm hung limply at his side. “What’s wrong Blakey? Can’t feel your arm?” Before she could do something else, Blake turned and stumbled off in the other direction.
“Amy! Amy you have to run!” Amy turned casually once she heard Blake’s voice ring out through the entire house. “You have to run! She’s coming!” Amy stole a quick glance behind Blake, but when she saw Julie stampeding towards them both with great speed, she took off for the front door.
“What is all of this!?” Blake rolled his eyes as he explained the story. “A doll!?...No way...well...she lives by herself. How did she come to life if she lives alone?” When they reached the front door, Amy pulled and twisted the knob as hard as she could, but it was locked, so it didn’t even shift the gears. Amy spun around and stared death in the face as Julie walked over quickly, now holding a steak knife in her hand.
“You...Y-Y-You children...w-w-will never find ou-ou-out!” She seemed to be shorting in her voice box, but it didn’t matter right now. Blake closed his eyes, and imagined the pain he was about to feel protrude through his body, but nothing came. Julie stood there, the knife raised awkwardly above her head, frozen in place once again. Blake took this is a God-sent blessing, and took off behind Julie and towards Julie’s bedroom. Probably the workshop for Julie’s creation. As he neared the door, despite all of Julie’s screeches and shrieks as she attempted to move again and again, something got in his way. Blake believed that he could ram through it, being the star center and all, so he took a shot at it. He bounced back as the thing rammed him back onto his rear, sending him sprawling to the floor. He looked up, then almost screamed as he saw a big, bulky man carrying an old-fashioned axe standing in front of the door.
“And where do you think you’re going?” He spoke with a heavy country accent, and Blake could tell by the clothes he wore and the axe he carried that he was supposed to be a lumberjack. Blake faked to the right, then attempted to charge him at the left. But the lumberjack used the handle of the axe to shove Blake off and away. As he thought of an idea to come to his head, Amy hobbled over as quickly as she could, a wire in her hand.
“What’re you thinking, Amy?” Amy smiled in a demented way as she took both halves of the wire and pressed them against the lumberjack’s head. Blake saw the steam literally rush out of his ears, and Amy ran out of the way and hid behind Blake as the lumberjack came tumbling to the ground. His head came rolling off from the joints in his neck, and a pool of oil spread out quickly. Amy jumped back, and Blake stood in front of her as the head rolled up against his leg, looking at him with unfunctional circuits in his eyes. Amy looked at Blake and threw her arms around his neck. “Amy?...You did it!” She smiled as she turned the doorknob, they all held their breath as the door came open.
“It worked!” Amy squealed in delight as Blake guided her in carefully. They looked around inside, but what they saw surprised them both greatly. Tubes and gizmos stared back at them, and when they explored a little more, Blake noticed two humongous tubes filled with a
strange green liquid. But he noticed something engraved into the bottoms. This tube is for Blake Markson and This tube is for Amy Johnson. Blake stared open-mouthed as something snuck up behind him and pulled him back by the back of his shirt. “ Blake!” Amy screamed, but she was bashed over the head as something picked her up into a lover’s leap position.
“Amy! What the heck!?” Julie hoisted him over her shoulders as easily as a feather and carried him over to where a second doll was waiting with Amy pinned against the wall. “Julie!? What!? I thought you were done!” The doll smirked in a crazy manner, then moved out of the way so that Blake could see a familiar face. “Jordan!?” Jordan smirked crazily as he held a key in his hands.
“That’s right Blake...you took my position on the team...and you got the head cheerleader as a girlfriend!” Blake just stared dumbfounded as Jordan continued. “So I followed you both to the Interstate and brought you here. These are my creations. You will become one of my possessions very soon...” Blake attempted to struggle, hoping to break free of Amy’s iron grip, but it was a futile attempt. “Julie...Mark...lower them into the tubes...but be careful. If you fall in, then you’ll be turned to crystal.” Amy looked at Mark carefully, then recognized him.
“Mark Gulbransen? From scholastic decathlon?” Mark nodded in a jerky way. “Don’t you remember me!? It’s me, Amy! From History class?” Mark didn’t respond that time as he dragged her fighting all of the way up to the tube and dropped her in. Blake screamed after her and tried to look away, but he couldn’t help but watch. Amy felt her lungs fill with the strange liquid and that made her fight back a little, but Mark held her down steadily. She began to feel strange when she was no longer able to move either of her hands. Then her entire body began stiffening up as the liquid spread throughout her body. She was able to let out one last ear-splitting screech as the liquid finally set her entire being into stone. When Mark brought the new Amy and stood it up carefully in front of Blake, he couldn’t help but allow a tear to slide down his cheek slowly. Amy turned to face him in a jerkish sort of way then smiled. “Hi Blake...” Blake screamed then tried even harder to fight back, but Julie was like a statue as she dragged Blake up the fatal stairs and led him to the tube. He spit in her face and shrieked and begged not to have to go in, but Amy remained emotionless as she thrust him into the water. He felt his ears pop as he slid into the murky water, and the gook started to fill up in his lungs. He tried to cough and gasp for an air that would never come, but it just made him swallow more of the garbage. He felt his legs stiffen and harden from the crystallization, and so he tried to kick. His legs moved slightly, but then one chipped and snapped off of the now plastic joint altogether. Blake winced in pain as the crystals began to form on his lips, capturing the moisture that had been stuck there and rearranging the muscles into a hard and smothering smile. He felt his lungs shrinking from lack of oxygen, so he allowed himself to slip into his last unconsciousness.
“Come my dolls!” Jordans voice rang out from the room gleefully. “Now to take over Paradise High School!” In neat and organized rows of eight dolls, they marched by and saluted him in an orderly fashion. Jordan smiled even wider as Blake and Amy marched by stiffly and saluted him. “Goodbye Blake...I always knew you were weak...” Blake’s head turned a full 360 degrees, then he turned and continued. Jordan watched in confusion as Blake’s death glare followed him the remainder of the way out of the door. He couldn’t help but think that he was totally made to rule this ball of chaos that is this world. Nothing could stop him...he was dead wrong...
The End!
__________________
The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest,therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field.


(Matthew 9:37-8)
SuperRose9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 01:25 AM   #2
Svaz
quite clever
 
Svaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Slumberland
Age: 31
Posts: 872
Default Re: Some Original Stories!!!!

I found it genuinely interesting, though it could definitely stand to have more of an introduction, and a lot more description -- I felt it moved too fast at too many points to be considered complete. The end seemed a bit tacked on, and the motive lacking, at best. Taking over a high school? Seriously? The dialogue could use some reworking as well, on that note. I think it could operate better if Julie was someone the people knew, or something. Uhm... it sort of reminds me of Goosebumps as is.
__________________
Svaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 06:06 PM   #3
SuperRose9
FFR Player
 
SuperRose9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: In that one city and state
Posts: 19
Send a message via AIM to SuperRose9
Default Re: Some Original Stories!!!!

the only reason is sounded so ametuer was because this story was all for an English project. I took the names of some of the kids in my class and wrote a childish short story...I'll post one of me writing professionally.
__________________
The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest,therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field.


(Matthew 9:37-8)
SuperRose9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 12:23 AM   #4
MetalAtlas
FFR Veteran
FFR Veteran
 
MetalAtlas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Auburn NH
Age: 30
Posts: 1,691
Send a message via AIM to MetalAtlas
Default Re: Some Original Stories!!!!

yeah i agree it was very detailed it just jumped a little too fast sometimes- this could easily be like 3 chapters worth if you worked at it- great work though
__________________
Quote:
As life gets longer, awful feels softer and it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes **** to make bliss well I feel pretty blissfully. If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd rather never even ever see beauty again. As life gets longer, awful feels softer, and it feels pretty soft to me.
MetalAtlas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 07:32 PM   #5
SuperRose9
FFR Player
 
SuperRose9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: In that one city and state
Posts: 19
Send a message via AIM to SuperRose9
Default Re: Some Original Stories!!!!

Thanks. I was just goofing off on that story...I tried hard on the one I'm posting now...lol. But it's still not done yet...lol


It was a calm day out on the open sea. Carrie stepped out onto the main deck and deeply inhaled the cool sea breeze. It was salty and sweet, and it tickled Carrie’s senses. She was the patron of her friend’s ship. They were pirates, her and her best friend. His title was the Cook. His name was Sanji. Together, they wandered across the seven seas in search of a worthy crew. They were in debt of a man named Santiago, the mayor of the town they lived in. He charged everyone a weekly tax, and the price was bizarre. 25,000 rupees was the cost to live in a lowly shopkeeper’s house. It cost millions more to live in a luxurious home. They had lived in a lowly shopkeeper’s hut since he was eleven and she was nine. Santiago was a plump man with a heavy beard and a nasty temper. He swooped down with his bag full of money and took her parents to jail and hanged them for treason against the King of the Pirates. Santiago was also extremely suspicious. He believed that there was such a thing as the world-renown Grande Line. Anyone who set foot on any of the islands was to gain riches beyond their wildest fantasies. This is what they wanted dearly. But Carrie wanted more than that: She wanted to kill the King of the Pirates.
Carrie yawned in pure boredom as Sanji stepped out into the open air. He poked her in the head and giggled. “So what town are we headed to?” He was always so eager to start off. Carrie took out the torn map and looked at it in confusion. “Well...the closest town is Mirageon. But that town is a thug town...” Sanji’s face perked up. “Let’s go to Mirageon!”
Mirageon was a beat-up ghost town. They soon docked at the port on the East side of the island, and decided to explore the town. People in bars nearby flirted with each other and made love with people they didn’t even know. The liquor sold there was very expensive, 100 rupees. The liquor was world-famous and made people drunk quickly. Even little kids were drinking the sludge! “Why are underage children drinking the liquor in that store?” Carrie asked Sanji as he turned onto a cold paved road. “The water here is so polluted that the only safe thing to drink is the liquor.” While Sanji’s back was turned for a brief moment, an elderly man approached Carrie. He was drunk and it was plainly seen in his expression. Anyways, he walked over to Carrie and placed an arm around Carrie, “So pretty lady...let’s go get a drink at my place. My treat!” Carrie stepped back slightly, but was quickly overcame by the drunk man. “Sanji...a little help.” The elder continued to drag her away while the unknowing Sanji looked into a place to stay. Suddenly, twin blades sliced through the air, followed by a second pair of blades. At first nothing happened, but then slowly...the man’s arms tore away from the man’s flesh! The sagged flesh had already begun to rot, and the pale gleam of an off-white bone shimmered through. “Onigiri!” both voices cried out. With another flash, the man’s head fell off it’s ordinary place on his shoulders. Blood shot up into the sky and the man screamed. His head bounced twice before rolling to Carrie’s feet. She tried to scream, but then noticed a shadow out of the corner of her eye. She dare not move, not even breathe, for she knew that with one slash of the twin blades, she would be like that man. She looked down at the bloodied body and shuddered. Behind her, a young girl’s voice cheered. “Good job Zolo! We did really good. That guy stood no chance!” Carrie turned to see a small child hanging on an older teen. The girl looked like she was only eight, yet she just killed that guy! The older teen grinned at her, but when she wasn’t looking, he rolled his eyes in hopelessness. When the girl turned back, he quickly pasted on a cheap smile and lifted the girl into his arms. She laughed as he groaned. “You’ve gotten bigger, Kari, pretty soon I won’t be able to pick you up.” Kari jumped down and lifted her arm, attempting to flex. “Look at this muscle. See how much stronger I’ve gotten!” He pinched her upper arm, and she flinched. “Yeah, that’s all muscle...sure.” He commented while snickering. Carrie burst into their conversation by tapping Zolo on the shoulder. He must not have noticed her, because he jumped back. She apologized, then asked him and Kari a very surprising question. “Wait a second...you expect us to join your ‘crew’?” She nodded with enthusiasm, and both of them burst out laughing. Sanji walked over, somewhat confused, then asked why they were laughing. Before Carrie could answer, Zolo gave their reason. “No one has ever dared to ask us to do anything! They’ve all been too afraid...” He roared with laughter, as Kari continued. “Yeah. After we became the Demonic Duo, people stopped coming to us for favors in fear that we’d kill them!!” Once they both settled down a bit, Carrie started to walk away. “Not so fast!” A heavy Spanish-accented man cried out. Carrie spun quickly, and saw that the man was arresting Zolo. He tried to run, but three more strong policemen held him down long enough to be bound by ropes.
__________________
The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest,therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field.


(Matthew 9:37-8)
SuperRose9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 07:43 PM   #6
MetalAtlas
FFR Veteran
FFR Veteran
 
MetalAtlas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Auburn NH
Age: 30
Posts: 1,691
Send a message via AIM to MetalAtlas
Default Re: Some Original Stories!!!!

very good lol not much else i can say
__________________
Quote:
As life gets longer, awful feels softer and it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes **** to make bliss well I feel pretty blissfully. If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd rather never even ever see beauty again. As life gets longer, awful feels softer, and it feels pretty soft to me.
MetalAtlas is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:10 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright FlashFlashRevolution