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Old 04-19-2009, 11:47 AM   #21
Erothyme
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

Delicious. Never read it before.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:52 AM   #22
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

Simon and Garfunkel? B)
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:04 PM   #23
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

I bought my sister a couple S&G vinyls last year, but I haven't actually listened to them. Oh well. 8)
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:07 PM   #24
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

They're not that bad actually. The song was used pretty nicely in Watchmen. But again, your poem was Robert Frost-esque. Read it thrice now.
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:26 PM   #25
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

<3
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Old 04-22-2009, 10:50 AM   #26
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

Well it certainly sounds nice and the lines read very simply and beautifully. Good job.

1) Try rewriting the first stanza without using two rhymes that use the "u" sound. It sounds very different from the rest of the poem because of that. Just see what it sounds like to you after a rewrite. It will sound more in line with the rest of the poem that way. That isn't to say that it sounded bad. You should use that scheme for a different poem if you wanted.

2) Lines 5, 6, 7, and 8 seem to have a different rhyme scheme in each stanza. I'd say make up your mind and stick to one scheme.

3) Some of the rhymes sound forced. All this means is that you need to spend more time trying to find the right words. In particular:
You're no different from I,
Maybe it's just because there's a grammatical error in there (You're no different from me,). I'd find a different way to structure that line.

4) It's a bit abstract. You do a decent job of emoting to the reader what the metaphors and symbols mean but you can do better.

Overall good job, dude. Sorry it took so long for me to read this. I really liked it. I critique because I love.
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Old 04-23-2009, 01:38 PM   #27
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

8)
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Old 04-23-2009, 02:19 PM   #28
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Default Re: I sat by a fire with a notebook tonight.

Pretty awesome poem. Nice, natural rhythm to it, which I think is what you were going for. There are some little nitpicks in the aesthetic department (which Chaz did a good job of pointing out) but overall it's really good.

Hope to see more stuff from you. I gotta start checking this forum some more.
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