Essay: Sleigh Bells In September

[Professor Raine]

The San Diego Weekly Reader had an essay contest, so I tried this essay shtick for fun (and 100 bucks). Unfortunately, chores needed to be done so yeah.

Enjoy my bitching.


And so there we were in the early days of September, in the Wal-Mart electronics section; me and my Mom. No, she wasn’t there to pick me up and go home since I usually head off to the electronics section of Wal-Mart to keep myself busy and to not get in the way. No no, she was there shopping with me for a change.
“Hailey (my little sister’s name) likes pokemon, doesn’t she?” my Mom would ask me as we stood in front of the Game Boy games behind the locked glass containers that Wal-Mart and every other large convenience store chain always had to have.
“Of course, every kid loves them,” I, a 7th grader at the time, said to her rather truthfully. And so she brought over the sales clerk and asked her to open the glass container so she could get the game, aptly called Pokemon Trading Card Game. The odd thing about this was the fact that all we had was a Sega Genesis (or just Sega as everyone likes to call them), so I was beaming.
We’re getting a Game Boy, I thought oh so happily. Right on time for Hailey’s birthday, which lay smack dab in the middle of the month (on the 13th, no less. And yes, she was born on a Friday). So I waited for Mom to take care of things over by the N64 section where I played whatever game demo they had, but something was odd on that faithful birthday. No Game Boy nor game was in sight. Hailey got some Barbie dolls and accessories for them, some clothes and other things that have escaped my aged mind, but I clearly remember; no Game Boy.
And so, my head was riddled with questions. Where did it go? Did Mom buy it for someone else? Of course not, she asked me for Hailey’s opinion, so it had to be for her. Is she saving it for a bigger occasion? What could be bigger than one’s birthday to a person? She’s not saving it for Christmas, is she? Of course not, we haven’t even thought about turkeys or costumes yet.
And so, the days passed. School went on, Halloween came and went and Thanksgiving had us sleeping rather early from the tryptophan for days. The thought of the Game Boy slipped out of my mind by then.
Time passed, the sound of bells ringing, foil wrappings crunching, glass ornaments shattering and rain softly hitting the San Diego pavement filled the air. We had one of those red and green construction paper chains with gold foil ring at the end of it to countdown to Christmas and when all that was left was the golden loop, oh boy.
Wrapping paper flew all over the place. New games for the Sega, the newest Hot Wheels for me and the best Barbie stuff that on the market for my sis.
And then there was the ‘Present from Santa’ to both me and Hailey. My parents always had the biggest, most baddest (as in hardcore bad, not terrible bad) present say ‘From: Santa’ as to build up tension.
“We put in a really good word for you two this year, so Santa got you guys something special,” our parents said. We unwrapped it and there it was, the Purple Transparent Game Boy Color every kid in the city wanted was now ours, along with the Pokemon game my Mom got plus a Zelda game I’ve never heard of that came with the sacred item. And so, me and my little sis played with it for a very long time that day. A very, very long time. So long, that New Year’s Eve was upon us rather quickly.
On New Year’s Eve, I was watching the news with Mom, and the news reporter was at a Wal-Mart parking lot because they were having an end-of-the-year sale. Many of the things being bought were Christmas presents that were too expensive when they were going to buy them, things they wanted for a long time but had to wait for until prices go down and random knick knacks (one mom even bought groceries cause they were so cheap). But what really got me was when the reporter went up to one mom and asked her what she bought.
“I have Barbies, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, clothes, shoes, wrapping paper…”
That’s when I stopped listening. Wrapping paper? Isn’t it a little late for presents? The only excuse would be for Kwanzaa, but they were white, so yeah…
Apparently, the broadcaster felt the same way too.
“Wrapping paper? Isn’t it a little late for presents?” he asked the woman, as if he were emulating my very thoughts.
“Oh, it’s for next year!” she exclaimed.
That’s when I thought that she was dropped as a child and her children need to be taken away from her and put in the hands of someone more competent than that, really quickly. I could tell that the reporter felt the same way, but he had a smile stuck on his face just like every other day.
So yeah, talk about weird. I just thought that you celebrated each holiday as it came around the corner, not to prepare months (or in this wonky woman’s case, a YEAR) in advance just so it won’t be a failure, but apparently I was wrong.
I do my Christmas shopping in between December 1st and 23rd, as to avoid big crowds. You want to know why I can avoid those crowds? Because everyone’s done their Christmas shopping before they even carved pumpkins and cut holes in sheets so your son can see while he gets candy from neighbors he‘s never seen before.
Either that, or they waited until Black Friday to do their shopping. Now on Thanksgiving evening, I am not up and about. I am knocked out by the turkey’s little side effect and planning to sleep in until noon, if appropriate. Unfortunately, many companies decide to slash prices like The Bride from Kill Bill cuts up people and only does that in the wee hours in the morning. Not like the small window of opportunity will stop anyone.
Oh no.
People will be waiting outside in the freezing snow with lawn chairs, tents, sleeping bags and hot plates from the day before just so they can hopefully get that wide screen TV for 60% off; note the keyword hopefully. Once the doors to Wal-Mart, Target, Kmart or whatever other store is selling big that morning, people will stampede into the store as fast as possible as rush for the stuff they want. If a little 5 year old trips and loses her mommy, she will be in the offices of the store with the mom’s name being blared on the intercom to come pick up her daughter, and that’s if she lives from either the trampling throng or her mom scolding her from tearing her apart from shopping.
Oh, and you thought the guy getting killed when the Playstation 3 was released was a little much. HA.
This should hopefully be a sign to people that they should probably make sure that they get their sense of time correct and celebrate a certain holiday with the appropriate rituals. Otherwise, you’ll end up going door to door, saying “Happy Thanksgiving!” to the neighbors in a Santa suit and expect people to give you candy while you play the national anthem on a tape deck you carry around, hiding chocolate eggs everywhere as fireworks shoot up into the sky.
If this actually starts to happen, God help me (which is saying something since I‘m Atheist), I’m moving to Canada in a heartbeat.

Criticism is appreciated. :3

[lord_carbo]

Back in Washington, I had one teacher for all of my English courses in middle school. His name was Mr. Goldstein. He was absent a lot. Well anyway, Mr. Goldstein invested all of his money in a bar, the Brotherhood Lounge (they serve some damn fine bear, I'm told). Which is not entirely odd, mind you. Had he kept better connections with the rich side of the family, he might have had part ownership in Hood Canal Brewery. They make some damn fine beer, I'm told. Well, one time I handed in a poem entitled, "The Fantastic Story of Deborah." He gave me an F, and said that it was terrible. I started crying. Honest. Ever since, I've been somewhat reserved. I keep telling myself I can't do it, whatever it is. But I hear they serve some damn fine beer, and if he can do it, maybe I can too.

[lord_carbo]

Anyway, I give this essay an F. I concede I did a very cursory read but I'm sure it's not very great.

first of all, on the internet, break apart your paragraphs more like this. It's so much easier to read. Single spacing paragraphs is good for print, not computer screens.

Anyway, some very bad things:

"If this actually starts to happen, God help me (which is saying something since I‘m Atheist), I’m moving to Canada in a heartbeat." --That detail about being an atheist totally detracts from the essay. First of all nobody really gives a darn. This isn't twenty questions about Professor Raine. Second, let's not diminish the appeal of your essay, ok?

"I do my Christmas shopping in between December 1st and 23rd, as to avoid big crowds. You want to know why I can avoid those crowds?" -- Unless this is a poorly executed reference to Guys and Dolls, no. Get rid of it. Yes, we want to know why, that's why we are reading your goddamn essay. Just tell us already, jeez.

also, it's way too informal. Tone it down with the redundant ohs and and sos and yeah so anyways.

[dood gone krazee]

It was decent. Grammer issues, such as "me and my mom." Ideas didn't seem to connected, and I couldn't make out a clear topic.

[foilman8805]

First things first: you're not gonna get the $100, lmao.

We’re getting a Game Boy, I thought oh so happily. Right on time for Hailey’s birthday, which lay smack dab in the middle of the month (on the 13th, no less. And yes, she was born on a Friday)

Do I give a **** about what's in the parentheses? No. Then why did you tell me? That's quite obviously useless filler, and it needs to go. Pretty much anything that I came across that was in parentheses was useless and immaterial. If you're able to revise this, take all of that **** out.

My parents always had the biggest, most baddest (as in hardcore bad, not terrible bad) present say ‘From: Santa’ as to build up tension.

Really? "Most baddest"? lmfao

There are so many ways to express your thoughts about this present, and I think you chose the worst way to do it. Good job.

That’s when I stopped listening. Wrapping paper? Isn’t it a little late for presents? The only excuse would be for Kwanzaa, but they were white, so yeah…

I thought this was pretty insensitive, and totally irrelevant.

If this actually starts to happen, God help me (which is saying something since I‘m Atheist), I’m moving to Canada in a heartbeat.

Actually, it says nothing since you're Atheist. You could have put 'Bob help me' and it would have been exactly the same.

Once again, you succeed in creating a very disgusting sentence that does nothing but turn me away from your 'essay'.

On New Year’s Eve, I was watching the news with Mom, and the news reporter was at a Wal-Mart parking lot because they were having an end-of-the-year sale. Many of the things being bought were Christmas presents that were too expensive when they were going to buy them, things they wanted for a long time but had to wait for until prices go down and random knick knacks (one mom even bought groceries cause they were so cheap).

Who? Wal-Mart? The reporter? The customers?

I gather from the context that you're talking about the customers and you need to indicate this. Otherwise, I have to re-read that sentence. I want to get through this essay as fast as I can (because it's awful), so reading a sentence twice to figure out who it's about sucks, and is a waste of my time.

Purple Transparent Game Boy Color

purple, transparent Game Boy Color

Purple and transparent aren't part of the title of the Game Boy, nor are they proper nouns.

and so

so yeah

ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP SAYING THESE THINGS

I've had enough of this. If I can be blunt and honest with you, it sucks. You won't get the prize. The informal tone can be advantageous if the author knows how to use it worth a damn. You didn't do a very good job with it, and as a result, your essay suffered.

P.S. I picked out just a few things I thought were wrong. Just the tip of the iceberg, etc.

P.P.S. I did not enjoy your bitching.

P.P.P.S. What the **** was this even supposed to be about?

[kitkat9]

I found a lot of mistakes, but the others pointed a lot of it out. This truly is not very good. I do want to apologize if you took a long time on this.

One thing that I have to point out is, you went from talking about what your mom did at Wal-Mart and Christmas stuff, to how you avoid crowds and why people shouldn't shop ahead of time.

This essay really has no true message or meaning, in my eyes, a reader wants to be able to see the theme of the story throughout the story. If the point you were trying to make was about the shopping issues, tell us about it FIRST then tell us about how your mom went shopping ahead of time, just be sure to have it connect.

Like the others said grammar.

And what Foilman8805 said about the parentheses, we really don't care. If it was relevant to the story it shouldn't have to be in parentheses. The one about your sisters birthday was completely off topic, not only that it is about a myth. What if I didn't know about Friday 13th? Either way it doesn't matter.

I'm sure that with a straightened out idea and some hard work this could become something good. You just have to work with it. And one thing to remember is what is the reader seeing, feeling, imagining, and ect. If you think about that through writing your readers should be able to understand more and see your vision more clearly.