"Gray Days"

[ShastaTwist]

"Gray Days"

Breathing has ceased to be an involuntary action,
Every inhale, a battle against a stomach contraction
And every sigh is a passing inference,
Every exhale, a reminder of your utter indifference.

And every kiss, well, I couldn't kiss another now,
And to forget, I don't think that I would know how.
And to forgive, I swear I would without a second thought,
And to let go would be to admit this was all for naught.

I would have torn myself asunder to make this go away,
I would have told you anything if it meant that you would stay,
I would have screamed until my lungs burst if it meant temporary relief,
I would have sworn off everything to make this feeling brief.

When our lips collided, I guess I was the only one who felt the spark,
The first one in the light and the last one in the dark.
And had I had my way, our hands never would have had to sever,
And had I had my way, our breathing would have stayed synchronized forever.

My eyes are squeezed shut against the reality of day,
And my thoughts are all a monochrome of gray.
These tears I've been crying are as clear as sunlight,
But I don't think that I'll be getting much sleep tonight.

Because these nights, I'm waking up screaming in the hall,
Drowning in the depths of my phobias for no reason at all
But I have this feeling that I'm lost,
Searching for something that has left me standing knee-deep in this frost.

[[Falcata]]

Oh snaps! A wild Shasta appears!

Don't know what it was about the poem but I liked the middle. Something about the beginning and the ending turned me off.

[Tokzic]

thanks for the poem qt i missed you too~

To be completely honest these are really dull everyday emotions only put together better than the average MySpacer could do. You don't really do anything noteworthy or eye-opening, so it reads like just another love poem on the internet.

but i still love you and you need to be in lit more, i missed you :<

[All_That_Chaz]

Nice to see you posting again, Shasta.

My biggest problem with the poem is the lack of control of the syllables. Your lines just kind of amble along until reaching an elementary rhyme. It makes it sound amateurish. There's no consistency in the lines, the number of metric feet is all over the map. I think you're trying to somewhat resemble couplets which is 5 metric feet in iambic pentameter rhymed AABB. Try to fit your poem into the scheme and it will sound better.

Smaller things, the phrase "torn asunder" is probably too cliche for what you want it to say. I don't know if the violent verb "collided" is what you want to use to describe the kiss. "Sever" is used incorrectly. It's a transitive verb, not intransitive. Hands sever things, they can be severed, but they don't just sever. Are you implying somnambulism when you say you wake up in the hall? That line is confusing.

Some suggestions beyond what I've already said, I like the idea of relating color to emotions. I'd use color more to make more elaborate images. Maybe set the scene on a couldy day in winter where everything is a different shade of gray.

A good first draft with some neat ideas. Keep writing! <3

[UnkownMan]

Nice poem. Really deep. I like it.