My depersonalization over the last year

[XXXsmittyXXX]

Not so good im still sober but im really angry and getting angrier. If i smoked id most likely have a heart attack so that's so far out of the question. I might be going to the recovery center on tuesday to check myself in because i can't keep feeling this way.
My weight is down about 10 pounds too which is also worrying me. Cool that this thread is open again. Little more important to me than i thought. Was hard yesterday not having this to refer back to when i had urges

[Jimmymi]

Originally Posted by XXXsmittyXXX

Not so good im still sober but im really angry and getting angrier. If i smoked id most likely have a heart attack so that's so far out of the question. I might be going to the recovery center on tuesday to check myself in because i can't keep feeling this way.
My weight is down about 10 pounds too which is also worrying me. Cool that this thread is open again. Little more important to me than i thought. Was hard yesterday not having this to refer back to when i had urges

You are at the last stage of the withdrawal effects. If you fuck this up you dun goofd

[Mollocephalus]

Keep doing strong baby! Glad you're going into recovery center, that will def help. How many days has it been now?

[XXXsmittyXXX]

Originally Posted by Jimmymi

You are at the last stage of the withdrawal effects. If you fuck this up you dun goofd

Withdrawal can last for months. I'm hoping it won't for me though. Yeah i won't fuck this up that would be the wrong decision on so many levels. Thank you mollo it's been a week+ and through this recovery a few of my friends have hopped on the bandwagon and are now trying to taper themselves off of herbal incense. I have a lot of concern still about this drug as my friend drew was imprisoned for 15 months and went straight back to it upon release. It is that addicting.

[Mollocephalus]

You must know very well that addiction is not only pshisical, but psychological too. Some people, which i'm pretty sure excludes you, now that you've decided to change, know no better. They do drugs to fill some major mentality/personality flaws (or what their subconscious perceives as such); they keep doing them cause the drug brought them to think they want it. It's a very personal matter and it changes from person to person, and mine are mere speculations. But in all honesty, from the lighter to the hardest drugs, the bottom line is always the same: learn to respect and love yourself for who you are, and you won't need any of that shit.

[Hateandhatred]

This thread title has caught my curiosity for a while now, and I've finally decided to take a look at it...

And wow..

Best wishes, though. Like everyone said, you're in for quite a journey, but you're already making definite steps in the right direction!

Nice of you to keep the thread alive with updates and all. Keeping giving yourself such support will get you to places.

We haven't talked much (if at all), but all I have to say as a a fellow member of this community is

Be a survivor, smitty!

[Cavernio]

Yeah addictions suck. It's a weird thing, wanting. It's not the same as enjoying. The worst drugs are the ones that leave you just wanting them, not even enjoying them.

[XXXsmittyXXX]

Yeah i know that addiction is both physical and psychological. I still feel aches and pains in my bones and definitely in my spine so the physical became a realization quick. Right now it's still a mental battle. One minute at a time.
Lady keeps trying to feed me painkillers i was like how the fuck are painkillers going to make me feel any better right now coming out of addiction? Kind of had a mini freak out but it's cool now i think i'm getting a better grip on my emotions and anger as the drug is exiting my system, although i have always had anger problems since i was young.

Originally Posted by Hateandhatred

This thread title has caught my curiosity for a while now, and I've finally decided to take a look at it...

And wow..

Best wishes, though. Like everyone said, you're in for quite a journey, but you're already making definite steps in the right direction!

Nice of you to keep the thread alive with updates and all. Keeping giving yourself such support will get you to places.

We haven't talked much (if at all), but all I have to say as a a fellow member of this community is

Be a survivor, smitty!

Hey there. Thank you kindly i appreciate that. A journey is an understatement though.

[korny]

Originally Posted by XXXsmittyXXX

Lady keeps trying to feed me painkillers i was like how the fuck are painkillers going to make me feel any better right now coming out of addiction?

Ask for painkillers like tramadol where the potential for abuse is much lower given that it is a weak opioid antagonist.

[XXXsmittyXXX]

My gf does not have tramadol dude, but i understand that tramadol would be acceptable at this time.

I should say that i just had an extreme urge to smoke about 15 minutes ago but i went and got subway and now i'm watching uncle grandpa online with the little man.
This show is fucking weird

[Cavernio]

It's really great that you're managing to take urges and turn them into something meaningful (spending time with what's almost your stepson's pretty meaningful.) I mean really good. You should be proud of yourself.

[Spenner]

Yeah idunno if an opiate would be something to reach out to at a time like this if you think you have the potential to reattach your dependence to something/replace. Tramadol would be a safe thing to help you ease off the symptoms of the withdrawl but things can go bad quick if you dose too high/try to abuse it (I think anything over 400mg is seizure territory IIRC).

If it were me I'd suggest kratom tea over any pill because the simplicity of popping one is part of the reason they can grow habitual (imo at least, in some situations). Teas in general seem to be relaxing you and adding kratom to a brew would give you therapeutic benefits if needed.

[FoJaR]

meditate bro

[XXXsmittyXXX]

Originally Posted by Cavernio

It's really great that you're managing to take urges and turn them into something meaningful (spending time with what's almost your stepson's pretty meaningful.) I mean really good. You should be proud of yourself.

Well i used to watch christian while his momma went out and did her things so it was never a problem then i had sex with her and felt like i HAD to watch after him. i started to have feelings for Devi and asked her if she was interested and she was, for quite some time prior but i had another gf at the time. He's a brat but really nice when he wants to be or is getting something out of it. He gets bad marks in school every day on his daily report which means no wii but we always give it to him anyways so he is also spoiled to the high heavens.
Spen, they sell Kratom extract pills at high tyde and hampton pipe tobacco but i never thought they were worth a shit. Can i break the capsules open and make a tea with it? I really don't want to go back to those stores for anything. Fojar, i do meditate sometimes while i'm trying to fall asleep. I put myself in a desert oasis situation or i picture myself on a perfect island beach. Really helps

[Spenner]

Originally Posted by XXXsmittyXXX

Spen, they sell Kratom extract pills at high tyde and hampton pipe tobacco but i never thought they were worth a shit. Can i break the capsules open and make a tea with it? I really don't want to go back to those stores for anything.

Don't bother then. If you can't get fresh kratom semi-locally (from vendors who ship directly from Borneo/places where kratom is grown) don't waste your time.

[Snowcrafta]

I love me some opiates, but the last time I had them is when I broke my hand. Had a great 4 day long haze, cold turkey'd with next to no noticeable withdrawal symptoms.

I do remember when I was on them for like 4 months though, that just wasn't fun at all.

Really, the only drug I struggle with quitting is nicotine. Even alcohol is pretty easy nowadays to go on and off with.

[Cavernio]

Nicotine's one of the most addicting drugs out there, at least when it's smoked. Or, in this thread I suppose I should say most psychologically addicting.

That term seems like a misnomer though, makes people think that the 'psychological addiction' isn't also a brain process. It, in fact, is, and it's what gets studied the most by researchers who look into addiction. Fun fact: ADHD drugs, if smoked or injected are highly addictive, it's just that when you take them as a pill the drug gets ingested more slowly and so it doesn't trigger the same addictive reaction.

The good thing about all this though is that, as we all know, psychological addiction can be overcome, which of course in turn rearranges or regrows whatever neuronal connections that got messed up.

In general, addictive substances are ones which strongly affect this 'psychological', craving part of your brain. Physiological dependence to a drug is something different, like when your body's regular functions start getting messed up because you're not longer high. Like excessive sweating, nausea etc

I like alcohol but I've never found drinking to be anymore addictive than any other bad habit I've had. Far less habit-forming than some things.

Hopefully the psychological part of your spice addiction won't be so bad.

[XXXsmittyXXX]

Originally Posted by Spenner

Don't bother then. If you can't get fresh kratom semi-locally (from vendors who ship directly from Borneo/places where kratom is grown) don't waste your time.

I'm just going to be completely drug free right now i heard kratom can become addicting in itself. I used to see empty kratom packages all over the bonsai parking lot as well as empty Co2 cartridges.

Originally Posted by Snowcrafta

I love me some opiates, but the last time I had them is when I broke my hand. Had a great 4 day long haze, cold turkey'd with next to no noticeable withdrawal symptoms.

I do remember when I was on them for like 4 months though, that just wasn't fun at all.

Really, the only drug I struggle with quitting is nicotine. Even alcohol is pretty easy nowadays to go on and off with.

Haha when i got my tonsils removed i had like 5 refill scripts for liquid opiates. Some sort of codeine. Was a bitch to kick but nowhere near what i still feel from herbal incense. I still smoke cigarettes now but it's like the desire has just left i don't even want to smoke much anymore i just want to smoke spice.



And an overall update, Yeah i still just want to smoke synthetics i think about it all the time. Last night was fun though i bought some lego ninjago sets for kid and he was so happy lol that made me feel good and his mom was like "that's the nicest thing anyone else has ever done for him in so long" and she cried a bit. He's so smart they are already assembled.. like wtf. :'P I feel like i want to abuse more when i'm alone i hope that goes away because i can't always be with people.
Still sober and eating a sausage biscuit. Lets go broncos lets go!

[dAnceguy117]

Originally Posted by XXXsmittyXXX

I feel like i want to abuse more when i'm alone i hope that goes away because i can't always be with people.

you can be with people a lot of the time, though. sounds like you're doing that about as much as possible already, which should be a great thing. I'd say look for any opportunity to replace time alone with time spent around people.

Originally Posted by XXXsmittyXXX

Still sober and eating a sausage biscuit.

good choice & good choice

[Spenner]

Originally Posted by XXXsmittyXXX

I'm just going to be completely drug free right now i heard kratom can become addicting in itself. I used to see empty kratom packages all over the bonsai parking lot as well as empty Co2 cartridges.



Haha when i got my tonsils removed i had like 5 refill scripts for liquid opiates. Some sort of codeine. Was a bitch to kick but nowhere near what i still feel from herbal incense. I still smoke cigarettes now but it's like the desire has just left i don't even want to smoke much anymore i just want to smoke spice.



And an overall update, Yeah i still just want to smoke synthetics i think about it all the time. Last night was fun though i bought some lego ninjago sets for kid and he was so happy lol that made me feel good and his mom was like "that's the nicest thing anyone else has ever done for him in so long" and she cried a bit. He's so smart they are already assembled.. like wtf. :'P I feel like i want to abuse more when i'm alone i hope that goes away because i can't always be with people.
Still sober and eating a sausage biscuit. Lets go broncos lets go!

Good to hear about the lego set, kids fucking love those (I know I did, was the best thing ever). The mental part of the battle is in your hands, and I think you can do a good job at confronting temptation and giving it a big cold shove.

ps: headshop kratom likely has synthetic drugs or at least a super high extract of the main alkaloids, and is generally shit quality; judging on the fact that you see those cartridges laying around (those are nitrous cartridges) it's kids/teenagers getting a legal buzz with whatever means they can. That is really sad to see actually. Butye, I'm definitely with you on the drug-free end of thing. Before you do anything that has psychoactive properties just take a moment to reflect and imagine the consequences of doing so later on.

The withdrawl seems rough, I think there's definitely some residual depersonalization that will remain there until you are really at your peak performance. The dissociated phase is grounds for symptoms of many other things (mood swings, irrational anxieties, twisted perceptions), like I've mentioned before, if you disconnect yourself from those, and pretend it's almost like your mind is watching a movie, it shouldn't be too hard to remember it's an effect that is not you, yourself doing.

A lot of people act on irrational compulsions because they cannot tell themselves that it is not them who wishes to do x and x, but they tend to give a description of a more schizophrenic outline (despite whether or not it is. They might be a very strongly faithed person and think it is a God who is generating the irrational thoughts).

Anyhow no need for me to ramble about that too much because your head seems to be good and well, but practising sorting through the bad thoughts and trying to get rid of them is always good, and/or reshaping them into positive ones.