Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

[Reincarnate]

When is it OK to spy on your kids? Is it ever justifiable? Why or why not?

[psychoangel691]

This is actually kind of a tough question and what sucks more is I'm going to be faced with this decision. I don't know if I'd ever really call it "OK" but maybe necessary if there's a possibility they are getting into something dangerous such as drugs or illegal activity. Obviously no parent wants their kids getting into that type of stuff. I'm really hoping that I will have raised my daughter well enough that I wont ever have to fee like I need to spy on her but even if you raise them the best you can there's nothing saying they wont try these things anyway.

[awein999]

It is definitely a last resort but is necessary for some situations. The information you can pick up upon can be helpful and constructive for the future. And sometimes it is necessary for protection purposes.

(hypothetical) Ex. 1: I'm suspicious my 16 year old daughter might have her first sexual experience with her boyfriend soon. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to care for her as a person but she wants to be with him anyway. Whenever I even begin to get on this topic with her she immediately gets angry and dismisses it. I don't give off vibes of aggressive parental defense to her because I want her to feel that she can be with her boyfriend in her house. However, I make sure she always tells me where she is going and I try to get her to invite her bf over rather than go to her bf's. I speak to the boy's parents about my concern for my daughter, they tell me he is a fine young man that is simply figuring out where he is in life and assure me he will use a condom. His parents are too optimistic in their child for me to feel assured. I spy on her to make sure she doesn't get hurt and to make sure a condom is used if they are about to get intimate. I won't spy during intimacy. It is too personal of a moment for me to justify spying.

Ex. 2: My 13 year old son keeps telling me he can't go to school because he is very sad. He doesn't ever want to eat and he spends most of his time in his room. I've tried as hard as I can to try to figure out what he is upset about. Approached him kindly and asked if anything is wrong but he simply won't open up. His teachers at school say he is a fine young man and that his grades are good. I spy on my kid as often as I can here to see if I can pick up some information on what is wrong because he seems to be going through immense suffering and he might be contemplating suicide.
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So use your greater judgement as to whether you believe it is needed. It's ok when you logically believe all other alternatives aren't as helpful.

[Hakulyte]

Spying on your parents -- is it OK? I mean outside of modifying your judgment due to additional information, it's not changing much and shouldn't be done unless you're starting to see signs that something may be actually wrong with them. Of course "wrong" is relative to what you consider wrong to the point that it's worth getting involved.

Spying on your friends -- is it OK?
Spying -- is it OK?
Spying people who are spying other people -- is it OK?

Just giving random questions example to get multiple perspectives.

[zolaric]

If I haven't taught them well enough by puberty, chances are they won't feel like learning anything new from me while they're in puberty. Just have to assume they're smart enough to live intelligently. I (as a child of my parents) have had no problem so far.

[Niala]

IMO depends on if you're curious or concerned. Age is also kind of a factor. Everybody is entitled to their privacy, and I think that includes your children, however if they've been acting unusual for an extended period of time there might be something wrong. It could also just being teenager PMS, but you never know I suppose. There is an issue with parents trying to know everything about their child, which, I can tell you from experience, is pretty annoying. It makes you feel more like a possession than an individual. Before I get any rap about this, my parents are great, they just have some frustrating parental qualities, and having some intrinsic need to know where I am and what I'm doing 24 hours a day is one of them. All that being said, spying can be necessary to help your children, particularly in the earlier years of life, to figure out who they are and what they want from, and to give back to, the world. So, yes you can spy on your children, only under circumstances of extreme precaution however. I think, for the most part, it's better to let your children make their own mistakes, because they learn from the mistakes, and you learn how to be a better parent if/when they come to you for advice. It benefits everybody. Of course, if your kid is thinking of becoming a drug mule or something it's probably time to chime in, which is where spying is kind of the only tool you'll have to find out these problems.

[ffraxis]

When you consider the fact that there is no such thing as privacy, only the illusion of privacy, along with the whole reasoning behind spying (in order to see whats up, then to take a course of action according to the situation, which may or may not be accurate since if you spy, you do not capture the entire event so a different perspective is formed.)
I would probably say spying is okay, because you do not have to intrude on the person and their course of actions (but this raises conscientious issues to some degree), and at least you know if the child is in (by personal definition) engaging in "risky" situations or putting themselves at risk/danger, or doing something you do not want.

[Without A Contraceptive]

the job of parents is to produce productive citizens. this requires parents of different societies and civilizations to use different methods; if they are raising productive citizens then the methods they choose are irrelevant, it is only the final product that matters.

end of story, there is nothing else to be said on the subject

[ScylaX]

it is only the final product that matters.

Eh wait, it's just an opinion. What were you thinking exactly ? There are people out there that thinks how you get to the final result is something even more insteresting than the goal in itself, what you're doing is taking the quality on the "final products" that interests you and ignoring the rest which is determined by how it was done.

[rushyrulz]

Raise your children correctly so they don't need to be spied on later.

[pmonibuv1]

Spying on your kids depends on what you think is important or a concerning matter. If you have reasons for spying and can prove there are more cons than pros for spying for that reason, then it would be ok. Just as long as it doesn't invade their privacy too much or crosses the line.

[Kilroy_x]

I would say it depends on what your other values are. Spying is obviously a precursor to enforcing these values. If they are good, then yay spying. If they are bad, then boo. So like, I would approve of a parent spying on a kid who seemed flustered to find out if they were being exploited or abused by anyone. But a more plausible example of spying would probably involve trying to figure out if your kid is gay so you can kick them out of the house. Very not good.

I consider questions of morality like a poker game, btw, where the "chips" are units of utility. Also I play loose aggressive fairly often.

[SCWolf]

Spying, no. Guiding to prevent mistakes, yes. My mother gave me a ton of freedom. Enough freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. I turned out alright.

[Without A Contraceptive]

Originally Posted by Kilroy_x

I consider questions of morality like a poker game, btw, where the "chips" are units of utility. Also I play loose aggressive fairly often.

poker is life

you get stacked regularly tho

[Arch0wl]

I don't think the question should be if it's "wrong" to spy on your kids but rather if it's effective to spy on your kids. The mental gymnastics required to prove this sort of thing wrong are something I'd rather not get into, while the effectiveness of this technique is pretty straightforward.

No, I don't think it's effective to spy on your kids. If your kids are even halfway intelligent they'll consider it an insult, regard you as a villain if they have not already, lose whatever trust they had for you in the first place, and groan as your surveillance system becomes yet another method of control they must outsmart.

Of course, the kind of person who reads that with a frown on their face isn't going to think "man, I probably shouldn't be antagonistic to my kids." Instead they just think they need to villainize themselves even harder and will attempt to use even more draconian parenting techniques.

[JuggaloShows]

Remember when you were a kid? Go back to those days for a second, imagine how you would have felt if you found out your parents were spying on you.
What would you have done? You would view them as some of the worst people ever. I see the shows with the camera in a bear and those things disgust me..i mean, were you really such a terrible parent that now you cant have a little faith in your child, or in the job you did in raising them?
I had great parents, they let me make mistakes and learn things on my own..taught me responsibility and how to take care of myself. They didnt spy on me because they knew if i did something stupid i would learn my lesson from it.
dont spy on your kids..you will just make them hate you when they find out.

[Dorby]

Spying is not okay. We all learn from mistakes and experiences that we go through, whether they are good or bad. To be caught spying on your kids would make them feel violated and, quite frankly, no one wants to feel that way.

As for rushyrulz, that was an incredibly moronic statement on your part. Please leave CT and never come back. Thanks.

[Reincarnate]

Personally, I think it creates trust issues.

Growing up, my parents spied on me constantly even though I never did much wrong. Never smoked, did drugs, got into trouble — and I brought home perfect grades, constantly remained valedictorian of my high school, etc. And yet they were obsessed with installing secret keyloggers and screen-recording/viewing programs on my computer so they would constantly be able to see what I was doing online.

It wasn’t for the sake of protection — it was just because they wanted to snoop for the sake of snooping, and it always contributed to a sort of resentment on my part. There was no reason for having my privacy invaded. They’d also do stuff like open the bathroom door (with a key if it was locked) even if I was using it, etc. There was never a moment of privacy. You establish trust with people by cooperation even in the face of vulnerability. You establish trust by giving freedoms and having those freedoms reinforced and reciprocated. You don’t earn trust by taking it through force. I couldn’t trust my parents at all because they were so willing to lie and sneak around and spy on me all the time. They projected their own fears and insecurities onto me, and I think that’s wrong.

At some point it crosses the line from being justified surveillance for the sake of safety to privacy invasion for the sake of fulfilling some sick need for control.

Like anything else, there are pros and cons. If you’re going to spy on your kids, you need a justified reason in doing so that is sensible. The ideal scenario is to develop a relationship with your child where there is a very open form of communication and lack of judgment. If you have to spy to get answers, something is amiss. There is no harm in letting your kids keep secrets of their own. You can certainly spy and force your way in if you really want to, but then you have to ask yourself if those secrets are really worth the cost of damaging the trust and communication with your child.

Most of the time I do not think you need to resort to spying to solve a problem. Like spanking, it’s an inefficient, brute-force, stupid solution to a problem that is better solved with less-invasive methods. There’s always a better way that won’t come with the downsides.

[hashishin0420]

I'm going to write my response under the assumption that the "spying" refers to monitoring their texts, IMs, emails, phone calls, and things of that sort. IMO, spying on your kids isn't really going to solve or prevent anything. Chances are, if their conversations are of questionable nature, the damage is already done. If you would have guided them in the right direction to begin with, their conversations wouldn't have been such a disappointment.

[hashishin0420]

Originally Posted by Reincarnate

Personally, I think it creates trust issues.

Agreed. Even if they don't initially have anything to hide, they'll learn to be secretive, so that when you do have something to be concerned about, it'll be that much harder to catch on.