one who never danced

Sol_Solis · 05-19-2011, 11:51 PM

Prologue1

"Who are you?", said Bella.2

"I'm Jared Beols ... Nice to meet you.", said Jared.3

"and who are you?", said Bella.4

"I'm Jasmine Nimeko.," said quiet Jasmine.5

"Well nice to meet you Jared, Jasmine.", said Bella in a chauve tone.6

Chapter 17

“I love the sound of sirens”, she repeated. Bella was a person so fond of dancing, she did it as the sirens blared. Her silky soft hair blew in the wind. She stood over 5’6” in height. Jared soon replied back.8

“I do not like the looks of this”, he said as the ambulance sped by.9

Jared had a stalky build. He sought after friendship, but found Bella all draped in rags of her own, dancing to the beat of her own drum instead. They lived in Seattle, Washington, jared looked on with his gray cold eyes Bella simply stared while laying on her back at the campus nearby, in the dew of morning grass. Bella put forth a question heard.10

“Do you know what has happened?”, she asked.11

“Plenty has happened, what in particular?”, he replied.12

“I mean the ambulance…”, she said quietly.13

The sirens roared. They sounded again,. Then they sounded once more until they no longer were heard.14

They left the grass together. Jared wore a golden necklace. He had gotten it from his grandmother. She lived overseas in great Britain.15

His general outlook was a positive one, until his father died in a car accident. There were plenty of sirens then, as they attempted to save his fathers life. Bella walked on, unfettered by fatigue. 16

Jasmine hollered from the distance.17

“Hey there partner!”, she yelled.18

Jasmine had a beautiful bronze tan. Tap, tap, tap. She made her clumsily walking self to Bella. She lost her balance after stubbing her well-polished toe on a large rock. Her long hair fell up and down in the warm breeze. Her blue eyes radiated that utter uniqueness that her character possesses. She smiled as Bella and Jasmine met in a warm embrace.19

“Hurry up you two!”, Jared replied in his know-it-all demeanor. He is usually one to point out the facts, not stumbling over what to do.20

She laid a kiss, a friendly one, on her cheek. They all wore their hats this day. Jared wore a baseball cap. Jasmine and Bella wore in-season material, as they are both always up-to-date. The traffic soon began to slow down and before they could exchange a couple words Jared shouted,21

“I’m waiting!”22

“Bella, long have I waited to see you again”, Jasmine said to Bella in a mild pleasant tone.23

“”I’m sorry, but I have to go”, Bella informed as she left their embrace. She left them behind and approached the street corner. A car screeched by and they both found themselves at loss of words as they were left behind. Soon Bella found herself in the arms of a man that drove and came to a quick stop. She screamed for help, but they watched on, unable to get to her in time. Bella was kidnapped. The van remained on, but the driver wasn’t there.

Chapter 21

Jasmine and Jared quickly came to their senses after their new problem they faced. Who took Bella? Where did he go? These were all questions they faced. They left for the van, unhurriedly going, but still hasteful. The sun loomed overhead. They were indeed after a criminal, but they found the car empty, after searching the van back and forth, twice just to be sure.2

“What now?”, Jared said.3

“Lets find him or go to the authorities right away!”, she added in a short utterance.4

They both left for the authorities. They soon approached the front desk.5

“We’d like to report a crime”, Jasmine said.6

She continued, “my friend was kidnapped just 15 minutes ago.”7

She looked on, quietly contemplating their options. This was not difficult for her to decide what to do, but she finally made her decision. The lady at the desk swung some keys back and forth, and looked like she was thinking what next to do.8

…9

Bella urged the man, known as Carl, to let her go10

“If you don’t let me go, then the authorities will come and find us and arrest you.”11

Carl threatened to kill her. Soon they were arriving at a long-standing old warehouse. He refused to let her go and tied her to a chair and left her there, after leaving her there. Dust alighted across all corners of this abandoned warehouse. The light from the sun entered through the old dusty windows.12

She could not escape because her hands were tied behind her back. She was stuck here. The filth was thick and she coughed from the air. At this point there was truly nothing she could do. And at this point she had no choice but to remain. Her mom called for her at this same time, but she was not there to hear her voice.13

…14

“Well, can I get the name of your friend so we can send out the message?”, the woman replied.15

“Her named is Bella Jung”, she added. 16

She continued, “She lives in Seattle, but we all decided to have a get together here.”17

“A stranger grabbed her and carried her off by forced after she walked away from us.”18

“I’ll file your report right away,” the woman assured.19

“We’ll begin a search for her as soon as possible”, she continued20

“But I have to ask, do you know the person that kidnapped her?”, she still continued.21

“No”, she finally replied. 22

Chapter 323

Jasmine and Jared quickly came to their senses after their new problem they faced. Who took Bella? Where did he go? These were all questions they faced. They left for the van, unhurriedly going, but still hasteful. The sun loomed overhead. They were indeed after a criminal, but they found the car empty, after searching the van back and forth, twice just to be sure.24

“What now?”, Jared said.25

“Lets find him or go to the authorities right away!”, she added in a short utterance.26

They both left for the authorities. They soon approached the front desk.27

“We’d like to report a crime”, Jasmine said.28

She continued, “my friend was kidnapped just 15 minutes ago.”29

She looked on, quietly contemplating their options. This was not difficult for her to decide what to do, but she finally made her decision. The lady at the desk swung some keys back and forth, and looked like she was thinking what next to do.30

Bella urged the man, known as Carl, to let her go.31

“If you don’t let me go, then the authorities will come and find us and arrest you.”32

Carl threatened to kill her. Soon they were arriving at a long-standing old warehouse. He refused to let her go and tied her to a chair and left her there, after leaving her there. Dust alighted across all corners of this abandoned warehouse. The light from the sun entered through the old dusty windows.33

She could not escape because her hands were tied behind her back. She was stuck here. The filth was thick and she coughed from the air. At this point there was truly nothing she could do. And at this point she had no choice but to remain. Her mom called for her at this same time, but she was not there to hear her voice.34

“Well, can I get the name of your friend so we can send out the message?”, the woman replied.35

“Her named is Bella Jung”, she added. 36

She continued, “She lives in Seattle, but we all decided to have a get together here.”37

“A stranger grabbed her and carried her off by forced after she walked away from us.”38

“I’ll file your report right away,” the woman assured.39

“We’ll begin a search for her as soon as possible”, she continued.40

“But I have to ask, do you know the person that kidnapped her?”, she still continued.41

“No”, she finally replied. 42

chapter 443

"Oh goodness, what is this?" She said in a voice exacting the tremulous nature of it's content.44

"I don't know.", said Bella.45

Chapter 546

"We'll see you again", said Jared Jasmine. Everything looked okay. Or did it. It seems to be a good idea yet, somewhere strange. Bella quietly soothed herself a napkin from the warhouse.47

Epilogue48

Who was that. Who is a bat? Who can be it! She is an mp3 player. Bella is a bat.49

THE END

Please comment, thanks

**Cavernio** · 05-20-2011, 11:14 AM

Ummmmm...this is the most confusing story I've ever read. You make a bad attempt at a setting, you've not edited this (or else you would see that chapter 2 and 3 have half the same lines,) line 44 we don't know who's speaking, especially since Bella was alone..?Chapter 5 and after is complete gibberish. Line 10 doesn't make sense. The beginning when talking their looks, it sounds like the beginning of a badly written porn...the kidnapping and being tied to a chair doesn't help that. Neither does the abruptness of anything of consequence in the story.
You have an interesting style, and I could see you writing something interesting if you wanted. If you actually read your writing for yourself in a semi-objective look, you'd realize that this is garbage.

I don't know if I could write something this bad if I tried. Did you cut and paste sentences together or something?

**m0de** · 05-20-2011, 11:20 AM

ddrfeline · 05-22-2011, 09:17 PM

I'm lost as well. Everything's mixed up and not a clear read at all. I'm not sure what's going on.

Also, I didn't feel any urgency when her friends went to the authorities, or actually when she was even kidnapped.
"She screamed for help, but they watched on, unable to get to her in time. Bella was kidnapped. The van remained on, but the driver wasn’t there."
They just watched as Bella was helplessly kidnapped? Sure you said they weren't able to get her in time but...no action happened! Bella's friends weren't running at the speed of cheetahs, ready to yank her free from these evil men! And yes, she was indeed kidnapped. I think you need less telling and more showing.
Bella was kidnapped
vs.
"GET OFF ME!" screeched Bella, flailing her legs as she was shoved into the back of the unmarked van. The back doors shut and clicked with the lock.

I'm no Stephen King, but you need more action, more...umph!

Bella urged the man, known as Carl, to let her go.31

“If you don’t let me go, then the authorities will come and find us and arrest you.”32

Carl threatened to kill her. Soon they were arriving at a long-standing old warehouse. He refused to let her go and tied her to a chair and left her there, after leaving her there.

vs.

Bella struggled in Carl's tight grip and even tried to bite the man a few times. "LET ME GO!!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Shut up!" Carl barked, holding a knife to the girl's throat. Bella's eyes bulged in fear.
"The police are coming right now, so you might as well let me go!" Bella exclaimed, hoping they actually were.
Carl snorted in disbelief and let the edge of the knife rest against Bella's fragile neck. She froze and let out a high-pitched whine in fear.
"That's what I thought." Carl asserted and pushed the girl down, causing her nose to break and gush blood.

Again, I'm not a writer, but I find that much more interesting to read.

**Cavernio** · 05-23-2011, 03:18 PM

ddrfeline: is your avy a dragon-penis?

05-19-2011, 11:51 PM	#1
Sol_Solis FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 660	one who never danced Prologue1 "Who are you?", said Bella.2 "I'm Jared Beols ... Nice to meet you.", said Jared.3 "and who are you?", said Bella.4 "I'm Jasmine Nimeko.," said quiet Jasmine.5 "Well nice to meet you Jared, Jasmine.", said Bella in a chauve tone.6 Chapter 17 “I love the sound of sirens”, she repeated. Bella was a person so fond of dancing, she did it as the sirens blared. Her silky soft hair blew in the wind. She stood over 5’6” in height. Jared soon replied back.8 “I do not like the looks of this”, he said as the ambulance sped by.9 Jared had a stalky build. He sought after friendship, but found Bella all draped in rags of her own, dancing to the beat of her own drum instead. They lived in Seattle, Washington, jared looked on with his gray cold eyes Bella simply stared while laying on her back at the campus nearby, in the dew of morning grass. Bella put forth a question heard.10 “Do you know what has happened?”, she asked.11 “Plenty has happened, what in particular?”, he replied.12 “I mean the ambulance…”, she said quietly.13 The sirens roared. They sounded again,. Then they sounded once more until they no longer were heard.14 They left the grass together. Jared wore a golden necklace. He had gotten it from his grandmother. She lived overseas in great Britain.15 His general outlook was a positive one, until his father died in a car accident. There were plenty of sirens then, as they attempted to save his fathers life. Bella walked on, unfettered by fatigue. 16 Jasmine hollered from the distance.17 “Hey there partner!”, she yelled.18 Jasmine had a beautiful bronze tan. Tap, tap, tap. She made her clumsily walking self to Bella. She lost her balance after stubbing her well-polished toe on a large rock. Her long hair fell up and down in the warm breeze. Her blue eyes radiated that utter uniqueness that her character possesses. She smiled as Bella and Jasmine met in a warm embrace.19 “Hurry up you two!”, Jared replied in his know-it-all demeanor. He is usually one to point out the facts, not stumbling over what to do.20 She laid a kiss, a friendly one, on her cheek. They all wore their hats this day. Jared wore a baseball cap. Jasmine and Bella wore in-season material, as they are both always up-to-date. The traffic soon began to slow down and before they could exchange a couple words Jared shouted,21 “I’m waiting!”22 “Bella, long have I waited to see you again”, Jasmine said to Bella in a mild pleasant tone.23 “”I’m sorry, but I have to go”, Bella informed as she left their embrace. She left them behind and approached the street corner. A car screeched by and they both found themselves at loss of words as they were left behind. Soon Bella found herself in the arms of a man that drove and came to a quick stop. She screamed for help, but they watched on, unable to get to her in time. Bella was kidnapped. The van remained on, but the driver wasn’t there. Chapter 21 Jasmine and Jared quickly came to their senses after their new problem they faced. Who took Bella? Where did he go? These were all questions they faced. They left for the van, unhurriedly going, but still hasteful. The sun loomed overhead. They were indeed after a criminal, but they found the car empty, after searching the van back and forth, twice just to be sure.2 “What now?”, Jared said.3 “Lets find him or go to the authorities right away!”, she added in a short utterance.4 They both left for the authorities. They soon approached the front desk.5 “We’d like to report a crime”, Jasmine said.6 She continued, “my friend was kidnapped just 15 minutes ago.”7 She looked on, quietly contemplating their options. This was not difficult for her to decide what to do, but she finally made her decision. The lady at the desk swung some keys back and forth, and looked like she was thinking what next to do.8 …9 Bella urged the man, known as Carl, to let her go10 “If you don’t let me go, then the authorities will come and find us and arrest you.”11 Carl threatened to kill her. Soon they were arriving at a long-standing old warehouse. He refused to let her go and tied her to a chair and left her there, after leaving her there. Dust alighted across all corners of this abandoned warehouse. The light from the sun entered through the old dusty windows.12 She could not escape because her hands were tied behind her back. She was stuck here. The filth was thick and she coughed from the air. At this point there was truly nothing she could do. And at this point she had no choice but to remain. Her mom called for her at this same time, but she was not there to hear her voice.13 …14 “Well, can I get the name of your friend so we can send out the message?”, the woman replied.15 “Her named is Bella Jung”, she added. 16 She continued, “She lives in Seattle, but we all decided to have a get together here.”17 “A stranger grabbed her and carried her off by forced after she walked away from us.”18 “I’ll file your report right away,” the woman assured.19 “We’ll begin a search for her as soon as possible”, she continued20 “But I have to ask, do you know the person that kidnapped her?”, she still continued.21 “No”, she finally replied. 22 Chapter 323 Jasmine and Jared quickly came to their senses after their new problem they faced. Who took Bella? Where did he go? These were all questions they faced. They left for the van, unhurriedly going, but still hasteful. The sun loomed overhead. They were indeed after a criminal, but they found the car empty, after searching the van back and forth, twice just to be sure.24 “What now?”, Jared said.25 “Lets find him or go to the authorities right away!”, she added in a short utterance.26 They both left for the authorities. They soon approached the front desk.27 “We’d like to report a crime”, Jasmine said.28 She continued, “my friend was kidnapped just 15 minutes ago.”29 She looked on, quietly contemplating their options. This was not difficult for her to decide what to do, but she finally made her decision. The lady at the desk swung some keys back and forth, and looked like she was thinking what next to do.30 Bella urged the man, known as Carl, to let her go.31 “If you don’t let me go, then the authorities will come and find us and arrest you.”32 Carl threatened to kill her. Soon they were arriving at a long-standing old warehouse. He refused to let her go and tied her to a chair and left her there, after leaving her there. Dust alighted across all corners of this abandoned warehouse. The light from the sun entered through the old dusty windows.33 She could not escape because her hands were tied behind her back. She was stuck here. The filth was thick and she coughed from the air. At this point there was truly nothing she could do. And at this point she had no choice but to remain. Her mom called for her at this same time, but she was not there to hear her voice.34 “Well, can I get the name of your friend so we can send out the message?”, the woman replied.35 “Her named is Bella Jung”, she added. 36 She continued, “She lives in Seattle, but we all decided to have a get together here.”37 “A stranger grabbed her and carried her off by forced after she walked away from us.”38 “I’ll file your report right away,” the woman assured.39 “We’ll begin a search for her as soon as possible”, she continued.40 “But I have to ask, do you know the person that kidnapped her?”, she still continued.41 “No”, she finally replied. 42 chapter 443 "Oh goodness, what is this?" She said in a voice exacting the tremulous nature of it's content.44 "I don't know.", said Bella.45 Chapter 546 "We'll see you again", said Jared Jasmine. Everything looked okay. Or did it. It seems to be a good idea yet, somewhere strange. Bella quietly soothed herself a napkin from the warhouse.47 Epilogue48 Who was that. Who is a bat? Who can be it! She is an mp3 player. Bella is a bat.49 THE END Please comment, thanks

05-20-2011, 11:14 AM	#2
Cavernio sunshine and rainbows Join Date: Feb 2006 Age: 41 Posts: 1,987	Re: one who never danced Ummmmm...this is the most confusing story I've ever read. You make a bad attempt at a setting, you've not edited this (or else you would see that chapter 2 and 3 have half the same lines,) line 44 we don't know who's speaking, especially since Bella was alone..?Chapter 5 and after is complete gibberish. Line 10 doesn't make sense. The beginning when talking their looks, it sounds like the beginning of a badly written porn...the kidnapping and being tied to a chair doesn't help that. Neither does the abruptness of anything of consequence in the story. You have an interesting style, and I could see you writing something interesting if you wanted. If you actually read your writing for yourself in a semi-objective look, you'd realize that this is garbage. I don't know if I could write something this bad if I tried. Did you cut and paste sentences together or something?

05-20-2011, 11:20 AM	#3
m0de Marble Eater Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Joliet, Illinois Age: 39 Posts: 1,437	Re: one who never danced __________________

05-22-2011, 09:17 PM	#4
ddrfeline FFR Player Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 49	Re: one who never danced I'm lost as well. Everything's mixed up and not a clear read at all. I'm not sure what's going on. Also, I didn't feel any urgency when her friends went to the authorities, or actually when she was even kidnapped. "She screamed for help, but they watched on, unable to get to her in time. Bella was kidnapped. The van remained on, but the driver wasn’t there." They just watched as Bella was helplessly kidnapped? Sure you said they weren't able to get her in time but...no action happened! Bella's friends weren't running at the speed of cheetahs, ready to yank her free from these evil men! And yes, she was indeed kidnapped. I think you need less telling and more showing. Bella was kidnapped vs. "GET OFF ME!" screeched Bella, flailing her legs as she was shoved into the back of the unmarked van. The back doors shut and clicked with the lock. I'm no Stephen King, but you need more action, more...umph! Bella urged the man, known as Carl, to let her go.31 “If you don’t let me go, then the authorities will come and find us and arrest you.”32 Carl threatened to kill her. Soon they were arriving at a long-standing old warehouse. He refused to let her go and tied her to a chair and left her there, after leaving her there. vs. Bella struggled in Carl's tight grip and even tried to bite the man a few times. "LET ME GO!!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Shut up!" Carl barked, holding a knife to the girl's throat. Bella's eyes bulged in fear. "The police are coming right now, so you might as well let me go!" Bella exclaimed, hoping they actually were. Carl snorted in disbelief and let the edge of the knife rest against Bella's fragile neck. She froze and let out a high-pitched whine in fear. "That's what I thought." Carl asserted and pushed the girl down, causing her nose to break and gush blood. Again, I'm not a writer, but I find that much more interesting to read. __________________ BLUESKYBLACKDEATH Last edited by ddrfeline; 05-22-2011 at 09:19 PM..

05-23-2011, 03:18 PM	#5
Cavernio sunshine and rainbows Join Date: Feb 2006 Age: 41 Posts: 1,987	Re: one who never danced ddrfeline: is your avy a dragon-penis?

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