NeonSM: The Quaint House-A Vision (Draft)

[NeonSM]

A Vision

I.
O' curious night,
how oft you move me!
I feel the sensations
from your great-eternal
gape proclaim the
withering melodies of yore-
And from which,
the quaint house was born.

II.
It was a quaint and dainty hut,
of dreamy ties and entry shut.
Twas Psyche brought me to this place,
for she could not resist its taste.
I sang the charm, said, open up:
"Hram duha', hram duha'"
There was a rumble in the night!
A quiet quarrel in the sky-

III.
We entered hence,
and what we saw:
a blackened tide and
one great fall.
There were no sounds;
nor words profound-
Only the lonely ins-and-outs
of our breath-

IV.
We were the essence
of the mark,
Till that curious chord
was struck-
Of some cimbalom
far away,
breaking our sacred
ministries-

V.
Our breath no longer than
a sigh,
broke away, writhing
into time.
The connection,
though it falters now
lulled the laments
of my mind.

VI.
We bathed in curiosities
that night.
Let arcane droplets
spell out our rite.
In the quaint house
of the night-

[TheRapingDragon]

O curious night […] from your half-eternal / gape

I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to tell us here? If something is 'half' eternal then it can't be eternal. As you're using 'gape' as a noun, what you're saying in literal terms is that the night is a wide opening that is forever open, but only half of the time.

Historic melodies of yore-

I'd consider replacing 'historic' with a different word altogether here.You're using variations of the same word (historic / history).

Twas Psyche brought me to this place / And could not she resist its taste

These are not good sentences to read aloud, they don't flow. I think something like 'Twas Psyche who brought me to this place / for she could not resist its taste' flows better.

Hram Dusha

According to Google, 'Hram' is Bosnian for temple and 'Dusha' is Somalian for top. If you were going for 'temple of the spirit' in Bosnian then it's 'Hram Duha' (again, according to Google. I don't speak Bosnian). I presume this is what you were going for because later on you use 'Cimbalom struck' and Hungary is pretty close to Bosnia, so a Hungarian instrument would make sense if you were in Bosnia opening a door.

Nor words, profound

Remove the comma. Without the comma it's fine (there were no profound words), but with the comma it sounds as if you're being self-aggrandising, saying there were no words and that this was all very deep and profound.

Let arcane droplets / spell out our rite

Just wanted to say I really liked these two lines. In-fact, the entire last stanza is really well written. As I said before, my only concern was the unnecessarily obtuse choice of musical instrument, but that would be covered by your setting.

Overall, it does evoke a lot of nice imagery so keep working on it.

[Mahou]

This is good stuff Neon. I didn't know you were good with writing poetry.

[NeonSM]

Great to hear there is some potential here.

I rewrote it today having not read any of your suggestions dragon-
I'll go back into it and try to make some of the changes tonight.

Also, thanks Mahou!

Btw "hram" is church in Russian; "dusha": soul. Obviously spelled out phonetically or w/e.
I might actually make the change to Bosnian because it adds a little something extra and also fits with the poem.

EDIT: I MADE SOME CHANGES TO THIS POEM. OP WILL BE THE WORKING COPY FROM NOW ON.

[NeonSM]

Added a couple stanzas! Don't know if I am going to keep them or not.

[TheRapingDragon]

I like the additions, I'd just have one thing: Stanzas III - VI all have the same style where nearly every second line ends sharply (of the mark, was struck, into time, that night, etc.) This doesn't fit with the style of the first two stanzas, where the lines seem to blend into each other and flow together, sometimes for three or more lines.

Unless this is intentional and I'm missing the point somewhere?

[NeonSM]

I honestly haven't been paying too much attention to the meter here. I should probably solidify it a bit so that it flows better.

Also, thank you.

[NeonSM]

I honestly don't see it as too much of a problem reading through it again. There is a pretty clear transition in plot at that point anyway. Whether or not the sharpness is justified can be up for debate if you'd like. For now I'm pretty happy with the way this turned out. There is a pretty dense and ethnic quality to this piece that I really enjoy. If there is anything else that you'd like to point out before I send this into my director let me know.