Old 12-20-2010, 11:36 PM   #1
kitkat9
FFR Player
 
kitkat9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~
Age: 26
Posts: 87
Default Poem: Rythmic

This is a poem I wrote about an instrumental guitar player I saw in August. Hope you all like it.

Rythmic
by Katrina D.

Masculine fingers dance across chords
stringing each note along the wall
leaving each phrase in my mouth
letting me chew on self generated meanings.
Elongated notes tickle my ears, caress my thoughts.
The strokes of your hand are gentle,
you hug the guitar close to your body
creating melodies leaving me speechless.

Your wordless tune manifests images in my head
helping me create a poem
of passion, an unknown reality
in which you alone live.
Your song, rhythmic and sweet,
giving me a gateway to creativity,
inspiration that comes from beauty in the unlikely.
kitkat9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2010, 11:53 PM   #2
All_That_Chaz
Supreme Dictator For Life
Retired StaffFFR Veteran
 
All_That_Chaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Jersey
Age: 35
Posts: 5,873
Send a message via Skype™ to All_That_Chaz
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

I liked how you personified the music and related it to the musician's actions. The first stanza is alright.

The second one, I feel, could use a rewrite. You're breaking the fourth wall telling people you're creating a poem. This can work if you delve deeper into the meaning of creativity being spurned by creativity. What do you mean by "an unknown reality?" Describe the world you're creating. Your enjambment doesn't really seem to serve any purpose here, either. I don't understand your use of the word "unlikely" at the end. Maybe it's really meaningful and if so I'd love to hear about it. Expand on the idea.

This is a good first draft of a stream of consciousness poem. The second stanza could use some fixing up and overall it could just use more description.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing
__________________
Back to "Back to Earth"
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoJaR View Post
dammit chaz
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoJaR View Post
god dammit chaz
Quote:
Originally Posted by MalReynolds
I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.
All_That_Chaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2010, 11:57 PM   #3
Reincarnate
x'); DROP TABLE FFR;--
Sectional ModeratorFFR Veteran
 
Reincarnate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,334
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Honestly, this poem isn't my cup of tea.

And I don't know if the title is intentionally misspelled or not, but it isn't serving any real purpose to spell it that way
Reincarnate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 11:56 AM   #4
kitkat9
FFR Player
 
kitkat9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~
Age: 26
Posts: 87
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Chaz, I understand what you mean, and when I say and "unknown reality" have you ever seen someone get really deep into the music? It's very passionate, between the person and the instrument, they loose sense of what is around them. I saw this guy do that, he was gone, went to someplace completely different, it was beautiful. About "unlikely", I never thought I would be inspired to write about a musician. It was something unlikely to me, because I normally tell fiction stories through my poetry.

Reincarate, thanks for pointing that out, a complete typo, didn't even realize it. Sorry :/. Is that the only thing that makes it not "your cup of tea"?
kitkat9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 12:08 PM   #5
All_That_Chaz
Supreme Dictator For Life
Retired StaffFFR Veteran
 
All_That_Chaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Jersey
Age: 35
Posts: 5,873
Send a message via Skype™ to All_That_Chaz
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat9 View Post
Chaz, I understand what you mean, and when I say and "unknown reality" have you ever seen someone get really deep into the music? It's very passionate, between the person and the instrument, they loose sense of what is around them. I saw this guy do that, he was gone, went to someplace completely different, it was beautiful. About "unlikely", I never thought I would be inspired to write about a musician. It was something unlikely to me, because I normally tell fiction stories through my poetry.
Both of these ideas merit expanding upon. Show people what you're thinking about. Take them through the world you saw him escape to. Show them how music captivated you and opened your eyes to new expression.
__________________
Back to "Back to Earth"
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoJaR View Post
dammit chaz
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoJaR View Post
god dammit chaz
Quote:
Originally Posted by MalReynolds
I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.
All_That_Chaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 12:15 PM   #6
kitkat9
FFR Player
 
kitkat9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~
Age: 26
Posts: 87
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Ok, yeah, I'll try it out. Thank you
kitkat9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 12:29 PM   #7
Reincarnate
x'); DROP TABLE FFR;--
Sectional ModeratorFFR Veteran
 
Reincarnate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,334
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat9 View Post
Reincarate, thanks for pointing that out, a complete typo, didn't even realize it. Sorry :/. Is that the only thing that makes it not "your cup of tea"?
I prefer poems that make me see something in a new way, or describe something in a way that stimulates my senses.
Reincarnate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 12:40 PM   #8
kitkat9
FFR Player
 
kitkat9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~
Age: 26
Posts: 87
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reincarnate View Post
I prefer poems that make me see something in a new way, or describe something in a way that stimulates my senses.
Gotcha, well thats cool. I like stuff like that, I just don't often write it.
kitkat9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 06:23 PM   #9
robertsona
missa in h-moll
FFR Simfile Author
 
robertsona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: nyc
Age: 25
Posts: 3,972
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

i really really appreciate you looking at my **** (considering how (relatively) long they both were) so returning the favor!

anyways, i really liked this, but anything i could say about it is eerily similar to all_that_chaz. i think the second stanza could go really deep. you probably know from my writing that i like really abstract, impressionistic stuff, and i think that you could really dig into what the music really makes you feel and all that. still, great work! lots of nice imagery.
__________________
robertsona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2010, 02:57 PM   #10
kitkat9
FFR Player
 
kitkat9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~
Age: 26
Posts: 87
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Quote:
Originally Posted by robertsona View Post
i really really appreciate you looking at my **** (considering how (relatively) long they both were) so returning the favor!
Haha thanks, I really didn't mind reading them, they were both very nice and you're an exceptional writer. Thanks for the feedback!
kitkat9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-31-2011, 05:54 PM   #11
Midnighter
FFR Player
 
Midnighter's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Suwannee, GA
Age: 27
Posts: 49
Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Some poems just have power behind them that move people...wow this moved me. Its so beautifully written that I just feel light-headed from reading it. Thank you. Poetry is one of the few things that always makes me happy. Your's just made my day. ^^
Midnighter is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:52 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright FlashFlashRevolution