Old 01-31-2011, 06:20 PM   #1
Midnighter
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Red face Poem: In the sky

Originally named "Our souls" I decided to change it cause this sounds better. It was written for black history month. I'm not one to always celebrate it. (I am black just in case you were wondering) but i feel every now and again a few moments of silence should be taken to honor those fallen civil rights leaders and social equality advocates. Tell me what you think ^^

No tears are left to cry
The pain slips away
Our souls find rest in the sky.

Sweating till thy skin is dry
The sun burns with every ray
No tears are left to cry.

Sing loud brethren, by and by
Thy voice shall lead the way
Our souls find rest in the sky.

Beaten down, with heads held high
Skin ripped and torn away
No tears are left to cry.

Riding on wind, our spirits fly
Father, lead us not astray
Our souls find rest in the sky.

Walking in faith till we die
Together we’ll be someday
When no tears are left to cry,
Our souls find rest in the sky.

Last edited by Midnighter; 02-5-2011 at 10:17 AM..
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Old 02-3-2011, 07:49 PM   #2
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Wow this was really pro. Nice rhyming
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Old 02-4-2011, 12:53 PM   #3
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Good poem
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Old 02-5-2011, 12:01 AM   #4
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Quote:
Originally Posted by Midnighter View Post

No Tears are left to cry

The pain slowly slips away
Our souls find rest in the sky.

Sweating till thy skin is dry

The sun beats down with each ray
No tears are left to cry.

Sing loud, oh brethren by and by

Thy voice shall lead the way

Our souls find rest in the sky.

Beaton down, with heads held high

Skin ripped and torn away

No tears are left to cry.

Riding on wind, our spirits fly

Father, lead us not astray

Our souls find rest in the sky.

Walking in faith till we die

Together we’ll be someday

When No tears are left to cry,

Our souls find rest in the sky.
This is nice, I do have a few suggestions if you're willing to look at them. You have some random capitalization (highlighted in red). I have done that before too probably a typo, but as a reader I automatically kept those words in mind thinking it's more important than others. I also think formating wise it needs a makeover, I kinda wished there had been stanzas. It makes me pause and process, a good time to start a new stanza is after most of the "No tears are left to cry."
Is "Beaton" supposed to be Beaten? I think there are some lines that feel forced...they could be reworded. They don't really follow the rhythm that this poem has (highlighted in green).
Ok last thing! I think you have some wordiness going on, I think you should go through read it alloud and listen for extra words. For example, "Beaton down, with heads held high" take out with, and when read there is a pause at the coma. With poetry every single word has a meaning, and every single word matters whether it's "a", "to", "it", whatever. Be selective only keep what matters.

I like this a lot. It has a heaviness to it, that kinda just weighs on you while you read. It's nice but saddening, giving an interesting effect. Just go back revise, rewrite, revise, and rewrite. Hemingway once said "Your first draft is always shit. Writing is rewriting." Keep writing.
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Old 02-5-2011, 10:36 AM   #5
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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Originally Posted by kitkat9 View Post
This is nice, I do have a few suggestions if you're willing to look at them. You have some random capitalization (highlighted in red). I have done that before too probably a typo, but as a reader I automatically kept those words in mind thinking it's more important than others. I also think formating wise it needs a makeover, I kinda wished there had been stanzas. It makes me pause and process, a good time to start a new stanza is after most of the "No tears are left to cry."
Is "Beaton" supposed to be Beaten? I think there are some lines that feel forced...they could be reworded. They don't really follow the rhythm that this poem has (highlighted in green).
Ok last thing! I think you have some wordiness going on, I think you should go through read it alloud and listen for extra words. For example, "Beaton down, with heads held high" take out with, and when read there is a pause at the coma. With poetry every single word has a meaning, and every single word matters whether it's "a", "to", "it", whatever. Be selective only keep what matters.

I like this a lot. It has a heaviness to it, that kinda just weighs on you while you read. It's nice but saddening, giving an interesting effect. Just go back revise, rewrite, revise, and rewrite. Hemingway once said "Your first draft is always shit. Writing is rewriting." Keep writing.
Thanks for the critiques. I actually kind of agree with your comment on the heaviness. This poem was written in the 19th century villianelle format so I was alot more focused on the format than the flow. In fact, the villanelle poems i've read were all a little shaky in terms of flow. Some were better than others but even if it was barely noticable, it was still there. Anyway, I made some corrections so it should be a little better now. Thanks again for the critiques. I probably should have shown the stanzas in the first place though cause they were always there. My bad (^.^')

Last edited by Midnighter; 02-5-2011 at 10:41 AM..
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Old 02-5-2011, 09:44 PM   #6
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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Thanks for the critiques. I actually kind of agree with your comment on the heaviness. This poem was written in the 19th century villianelle format so I was alot more focused on the format than the flow. In fact, the villanelle poems i've read were all a little shaky in terms of flow. Some were better than others but even if it was barely noticable, it was still there. Anyway, I made some corrections so it should be a little better now. Thanks again for the critiques. I probably should have shown the stanzas in the first place though cause they were always there. My bad (^.^')
I'm glad I could help Yes, now I'm seeing the villanelle, haha, I'm sad I hadn't noticed it in the first place. Lol.
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Old 02-5-2011, 10:06 PM   #7
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

I enjoyed reading and reciting that poem. An issue I found was that you have a repeated use of "cry" or rhyming words thereof. You might have included it on purpose, so kudos to your for that; although, by using them repeatedly it draws away from the overall value of the message you're trying to portray. Try to incorporate different rhymes near the end, to allow for differentiation and more creativity and theme-development.

Nice job.
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Old 02-5-2011, 10:24 PM   #8
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Hmm, Midnighter, I wanted to apologize, I now see the stanzas. I quoted your text before I read it. Now i'm looking at the original post and what do you know there are stanzas. Haha, sorry.
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Old 02-6-2011, 02:55 PM   #9
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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I enjoyed reading and reciting that poem. An issue I found was that you have a repeated use of "cry" or rhyming words thereof. You might have included it on purpose, so kudos to your for that; although, by using them repeatedly it draws away from the overall value of the message you're trying to portray. Try to incorporate different rhymes near the end, to allow for differentiation and more creativity and theme-development.

Nice job.
Thanks but, could you elaborate a bit more? If u meant in the final stanza, the last two lines are supose to be the first two refrains repeated. Like I told kitkat9 the form is villanelle, its not a very popular form nowadays but i tried to write it in that style.
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Old 02-6-2011, 02:57 PM   #10
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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Hmm, Midnighter, I wanted to apologize, I now see the stanzas. I quoted your text before I read it. Now i'm looking at the original post and what do you know there are stanzas. Haha, sorry.
Oh, there's no need to apologize. Your critiques have actually been the most helpful ^^
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:05 AM   #11
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Repetition for no reason is generally a terrible idea. "Beaten down, with heads held high" is thick with expression and sounds meaningless.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:14 PM   #12
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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Repetition for no reason is generally a terrible idea. "Beaten down, with heads held high" is thick with expression and sounds meaningless.
What repetition are you talking about? and the line is definitely not meaningless
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Old 02-23-2011, 05:25 PM   #13
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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Repetition for no reason is generally a terrible idea. "Beaten down, with heads held high" is thick with expression and sounds meaningless.
I don't see the meaninglessness of the line at all. It's like saying 'even though we don't have much to look forward to, even though all our hopes are snatched out of our hands. We keep proud and strong.'

Well that's how I see it.
When I read the poem, it gripped at my heart.
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Old 02-28-2011, 03:13 PM   #14
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

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I don't see the meaninglessness of the line at all. It's like saying 'even though we don't have much to look forward to, even though all our hopes are snatched out of our hands. We keep proud and strong.'

Well that's how I see it.
When I read the poem, it gripped at my heart.
Thank you ^^
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Old 03-6-2011, 12:03 AM   #15
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

This is crap
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Old 03-6-2011, 08:29 AM   #16
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This is crap
There's no need to waste space on my thread if you've got nothing constructive to say. thank you
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:15 AM   #17
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Hmmm... A way to deal with the 'heaviness' of poetic forms like this is often to enjamb the lines. See "Terzanelle in Thunderweather" by Lewis Turco for a good example. It's in a related poetic form that he deals with admirably.
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:54 PM   #18
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

Wow, so amazing
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:56 PM   #19
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Default Re: Poem: In the sky

i enjoyed it good job
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