Old 05-11-2009, 08:03 PM   #1
Midnighter
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Default "Angel" My first love poem

This is my first love poem ever written; if your gonna hate don't. Negative critisizm is fine, but don't be rude or mean.

I wander through the day,
My feet walking on air,
Dreaming of my Angel,
The one so beautiful and fair.
This radiant Angel of mine,
That the good Lord doth bestow,
On one as unworthy as me,
How it happened, I don't know.

Nonetheless I am eternally grateful,
So lost in my wander and bliss,
For every now and again,
She'll grace me with a kiss.
My loving, caring Angel,
Who's wing protect me from fears,
My sweet, gentle Angel,
Who's feathers wipe my tears.

She's always there for me,
Through the good times and the bad,
She's my funny little Angel,
The Goddess I never had.
But, now I do and she's with me,
And though she's always far away,
She knows that in my heart,
There's always a place for her to stay.

Last edited by Midnighter; 05-15-2009 at 03:04 PM..
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Old 05-11-2009, 09:08 PM   #2
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

it's not particularly good but I'm sure if you show it to your angel then you'll get laid regardless of its quality

You comma splice a lot. If you have to, take your words out of the lines and read them like prose and see if it sounds right. If it doesn't, it's not going to sound right as a poem.

Also the possessive of "who" is "whose" not "who's." There's never an apostrophe in a possessive pronoun.
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Old 05-12-2009, 04:35 PM   #3
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Thanks thats the most helpful critisizm i've gotten since.
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Old 05-12-2009, 05:36 PM   #4
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Besides what dore mentioned, the word "Nonetheless" is usually followed with a comma when used like that. At least...I am used to doing it that way, and I've never gotten marked off for it.

Another thing. All those commas make it sound like a run on sentence.

Would you read in a big long garble like such, or would you prefer to read it sweetly, dallying upon each heartfelt word?

When I read something, I like to add emphasis to certain key parts of it, which may require a pause (denoted by the presence of a period) or some means of a break for effect (the other may be a dash, or so).

If you read most poetry, you will see the same. They'll use long comma-placed lines, sure...but they do place periods to promote reflection between the stanzas.

It is a very good effort, though.

To be commended.

While erring as it does, it still comes off quite sweetly.

Unless you truly wish to call it a gem, I suggest merely reading it with a few pauses.

Your divine seraph won't mind it a bit. ^_~
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Old 05-12-2009, 07:26 PM   #5
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

You say angel way too many times
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Old 05-13-2009, 08:33 PM   #6
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

You used "doth" amid your distinctly twenty first century English.

Most of what you say is stupid and uninspired and doesn't invoke any sort of images or emotions in my head.

"Dreaming of my Angel, [...] This radiant Angel of mine," -- Yeah we get it. She's your "angel."

"She's always there for me, / Through the good times and the bad," -- There are some cliche lines in this poem but oh man this takes the cake.


Poetry will not win you any chicks, bro.
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Old 05-13-2009, 08:33 PM   #7
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

That was beautiful. *sheds a tear*
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Old 05-13-2009, 10:29 PM   #8
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

My initial post was very mean, so I'm going to simply say that you used an emoticon in your poem. If it wasn't already boring and cliche, that alone would have made it unfit for viewing by anyone the poem wasn't written for.
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Old 05-13-2009, 10:31 PM   #9
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

I liked your old post better. : (
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:48 PM   #10
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

the old post was good lol
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Old 05-14-2009, 04:49 PM   #11
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

For those saying i used to many commas, thanks. I'll fix that i never use to think much about it but i will. For those who just rag on it, no thanks. Your opinion isn't wanted. Helpful none hurtful criticism is what i want. I don't care what you have to say if its rude or mean. I'm certainy not going to feel bed from random people on the internet. The girl i gave it to liked it (to bad she turned out to be a royal pain in the ***).
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Old 05-14-2009, 06:26 PM   #12
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

You're posting this for a general audience, so you're implicitly assuming it's at least presentable. But it's not. And by being a little insulting in my critiques I'm venting my frustration at my time wasted. I think it's a fair trade-off.

If you'd listen to us then maybe you'd be a decent writer. Really, this is a bad poem. It's really really bad.
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Old 05-14-2009, 06:34 PM   #13
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Here's a neat-o poem for you!

It goes somewhat like this:

Amidst the vast world of pokemon,
I think you shouldn't always try being the master,
it's not always what brings all the boys to your lawn.

Rethink, evaluate, and analyze...
Whatever you think buys.

This was only another silly rhyming poem,
in which I really have no knowledge of writing.
But hey, that last line rhymes with biting.

Feel free to be mean and cruel,
because I don't really care.
As long as it will make me laugh, so there.

---------------------

How'd you like my lame made-in-two-minutes poem?
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Old 05-14-2009, 07:23 PM   #14
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

I really should have left my original post.
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Old 05-14-2009, 07:27 PM   #15
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

I thought it was a good peice
So calmly written to.
I've read a lot of poems
But I've only liked a few.
You seem to be getting good at it.
So, I'll leave you with only this.
Keep on writing neat like this
And people wont think you're...

Yeah, I think you've got it.

BTW: Why'd you edit that post, mead?
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Old 05-14-2009, 07:33 PM   #16
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnkownMan View Post
I thought it was a good peice
So calmly written to.
I've read a lot of poems
But I've only liked a few.
You seem to be getting good at it.
So, I'll leave you with only this.
Keep on writing neat like this
And people wont think you're...

Yeah, I think you've got it.

Are you responding to me or the OP?
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:40 PM   #17
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnkownMan View Post
BTW: Why'd you edit that post, mead?
for many reasons, e.g. he described the girl OP is trying to woo as OP's "cum dumpster."
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:53 PM   #18
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Default Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Nah, the final version of it only described her as a "perspective dick-wetter" I believe
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Old 05-15-2009, 03:01 PM   #19
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Angry Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Quote:
Originally Posted by lord_carbo View Post
You used "doth" amid your distinctly twenty first century English.

Most of what you say is stupid and uninspired and doesn't invoke any sort of images or emotions in my head.

"Dreaming of my Angel, [...] This radiant Angel of mine," -- Yeah we get it. She's your "angel."

"She's always there for me, / Through the good times and the bad," -- There are some cliche lines in this poem but oh man this takes the cake.


Poetry will not win you any chicks, bro.

How is saying my poem is stupid and uninspired helpful. Yes its cliche. I've heard that for the upteenth time now. I say angel five time. Ok, thanks I actually agree i used angel too much. "If you'd listen to us then maybe you'd be a decent writer. Really, this is a bad poem. It's really really bad." Insulting me isn't helpful either. I'm not the best writer in the world i do it because i enjoy it. If your going to hate or just "give your opinion(bad one)" and not give helpful criticism, then don't I don't care for it.
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Old 05-15-2009, 03:07 PM   #20
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Thumbs up Re: "Angel" My first love poem

Could you guys check out my other poem. "Today the day" its similar and the same rules apply when critiquing, Thanks
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