Know my story please

[Rapta]

I'm going through tough moral shit right now. I'm close to breaking, and at a critical point in my life (high school) and I just realized that I am taking midterms and the Compass test soon and the past few weeks my stress has been building exponentially!! I have talked to multiple people about this ranging from peers to psychologists to doctors to parents to teachers to adults to people in chat rooms to my inner self, and nothing is working for me, I'm constantly depressed and now becoming dangerously depressed and in a tight spot. I want to dump as much stuff as I can fathom into this thread and hopefully get advice or insight or helpful comments of any sort. If any of you saw my thread about Depression Treatment Centers, there's a reason why I haven't gone yet I will discuss here..

From the beginning.. This is where I think it all started - I was always a gun-ho kind of child, always talking to people I shouldn't. I was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and always had to talk, always had to be the center of attention. I was so friendly I almost got myself abducted by talking to random strangers. I went to several special ed schools in my elementary years. Those elementary schools were incredibly harsh to their students. I remember being locked away in a white room approximately five by five feet wide and six feet high. It was torture, being locked in that room behind a metal door that had one window and a mirror on the inside showing the door's blind spots. I spent several hours of each day at school in that room because they believed depriving me of people to talk to would fix my ADHD/ADD. Sometimes I protested going to that room.. I would yell, cry, beg, but when I did any of that they would physically apprehend me (push me to the ground) and get on top of me and force my arms behind my back while crossing them to transport me to that place.. I remember I saw a teacher had come to check up on me one time and I pulled a piece of thin string from my sock and said "I have string, look!" and I just wanted their attention but they took it as I was going to attempt to do something bad with it so they stripped my shirt and socks because they had loose threads and I was taken to the principles office where my teacher held my arms behind me crossed while my principle said I shouldn't do that again, etc etc, and burnt my face with his lit cigarette. My mom then realized my suffering was true and we moved to where I live now. That is probably what began my social anxiety..
After that I was quieter. I had annoyed everyone around me with my hyper activity and it was eventually pounded into me after that last incident at school that talking in school will lead to my physical pain and mental torture through abuse and isolation.. I was in the new school's gifted program but dropped out because I didn't want any homework (I regret that). I made 95% or so of my friends in the fourth grade in the gifted program because I had been there for a while before I dropped out of it. I was used to being around people who were really intelligent and that was the time right before I became silent in school.. In these classes everyone talks about random events, undecipherable and incomprehensible mainstream sayings, and other miscellaneous discussion before during and after class, which constantly has distracted me and made me envious and depressed being alone, worth less than others, uninteresting, wierd..

Then.. I went from fifth to ninth grade without realizing how alone I was.. I was smart enough to notice. I had always been the quiet guy in class. I always thought I was quiet only in school but normal out of class with my family, but in the beginning of my tenth grade (now) I found out I have trouble talking to the guy I have known since kindergarten.. I started seeing a psychologist this year and she diagnosed me with social anxiety. After that point being upset was becoming exponential. An everyday thing. Well, I am tired of being upset everyday. Since last week I have had to go into the bathroom near the end of every school day and just cry really hard into my jacket. My brain is completely fried from the overload of deep thoughts that don't stop coming, most of them so sad they depress me unless I am distracting myself with a game or guitar or something that doesn't require critical thinking. Something new that has been happening to me is that I go through fits of being cold but sweating and having an increased heart rate and a tight chest and heart burn. I'm staying home more often because of stress. It's not that I don't like school, it's that it is such a stressful environment which promotes critical thinking and breeds social activities which I am always feeling left out of, whether it be a simple side conversation I may overhear, or class activities or school activities.. Surprisingly to me, my grades are still all high B's even though I have now racked up about 30 absences this and last month.. That's also a issue for me, I am reaching a critical point where I am feeling like only a Depression Treatment Center or a place where I can get away from school for a while whilst also being helped in various ways could help.. Another problem is my mother. She is incredibly strict natured from her upbringing and she has been really hard on me about a lot of things. Right when I get home she asks me to tell her what is wrong in detail and at that time I have just gotten home, the place where in my room I find enough distraction during the day with video games or guitar practicing to make me feel better, and every day she brings it up again and gets really upset with me when I beg not to have to explain right when I get home. Even when I have calmed down later in the day and offer to talk with her she often refuses.. She has been saying I just want to skip school to be truant because I am lazy and irresponsible, but I AM NOT ANY OF THAT!!! How could I be when all my teachers say I am years ahead of my age and always brag about how intelligent I am and my grades and my soon to be testing for the ability to take college classes in high school?! She is also going against my father and I's agreement on staying home for a while until I can go to a Depression Treatment Center so I can be helped.. I also asked her which is more important - school or my well being, and she instantly replied school, when everyone else including my father has said well being is more important between the two! Every time her argument is that all they will do it pump me full of drugs and attempt to gain money through my stay when everyone else says otherwise and she also is the one reason I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell anyone about the next thing, but this is a forum, my parents shouldn't see this...

Now.. this is a tricky thought for me to talk about. It's suicide. I am not feeling happy the majority of every day, stressed, alone, jealous, sad, depressed and I am losing the strength to continue.. I've contemplated suicide many times, in many ways, with many safeguards to make sure I would die and not be found until sure death had descended upon me. I think of safeguards because attempted suicide for attention would likely completely ruin my life, so instead of ruin my life I would rather just make sure it ended it if I ever decided on it. Those thoughts have increased recently (mainly at night time when I sit down in bed to go to sleep but am kept up for hours by insomnia and unbreakable unconscious depressing thoughts.. I feel like my mother would disown me or take away all of my material possessions or belt me many times if I told someone I was having these thoughts.. I want help but the last thing I want is for my life to feel ruined trying to get that help..

I feel super duper incredibly depressed right now, and my current goal is to go to a Depression Treatment Center so I can be helped, but my mother.. If someone could help me think of a way to do this as soon as possible with the least back lash from my mother as possible, I would be very appreciative!

I said all of that, but I still didn't go into detail about why I am lonely, depressed, etc.. I really don't want to recall those things..

For the past year and a half I have been trying everything I could possibly think of to better myself or help myself feel better and tried talking to many many people.. I feel like I am about to run out of options, and if I do run out of options, I won't accept being this depressed for x amount of more years.. did i mention i barely went into detail? help