~Spiraling Into Ebony~

[Tokzic]

Couple big things.

1. You switched from past to present tense a couple paragraphs in, rofl.

2. The pace is horribly dragging, especially for something where you're trying to give a feel of a hurry. It's odd that you can spend so much time on description and yet not give a vivid image of the events - it's like you're trying to decide what to write next, but can't think of anything, so you just describe what just happened in unnecessary, often redundant extra depth.

3. Everything's incredibly choppy. It's horrendously obvious that you sat down without any idea of where the plot was going and just started writing, because nothing's connected and one event gets shoved into the next without no explanation or prior mention.

4. Groan-worthy cliche ending. "A world without you is not worth living in"? How many times have I heard those words exactly in movies? Too many.

I could go into a list of the less prominant problems (e.g. why the hell does the main character bother climbing the forest, tiring himself to the brink of death, then deciding that the random girl he's trying to find isn't in the trees after all; large number of grammar and spelling errors; why exactly is the protagonist inferring that she's not mortal when she dies at the end; ridiculous amount of ellipses; etc.), but it'd take too much time. This could be a decent story with a lot of fixing but it's far from it at the moment.

[911840]

1. already in process of fixing the past/present tense issue

2. when you think about it, it really didn't take that long, and dragging it on a bit or over-detailing is much ebtter than a lack of detail altogther

3. no explaination, no prior mention...you're never supposed to know what happens next, until it's too late to change anything about it

4. in my opinion, the reason for living is more important than life itself...and if i couldn't save her then i would follow her...perhaps there is another side...

i wasn't looking for her in the trees, where did you even get that idea? i've always known there, i just couldn't entirely believe it

the climb wasn't as tiring as the travel itself

she's no random girl...

in the process of weding out any leftover typos

the goddess thing was a METAPHOR

so what? i use elipses...look, there's one now!!

far from a decent story...do far you're one of the very few who think so

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by 911840

2. when you think about it, it really didn't take that long, and dragging it on a bit or over-detailing is much ebtter than a lack of detail altogther

oh sorry you're right i made that last comment without thinking about it yes it is clearly just the right length

Over-detailing may be better than no detail at all, but "And so I plummuted, with blinding acceleration, a missile with folded wings," is a hell of a lot better than "So down I fall...slowly at first, then much, much faster...I fold my wings close to my body and let myself fall faster still...the ground...it's approaching so fast now..."

You aren't establishing anything. "oh my god i'm going fast this is really fast it's so fast did i mention i'm going really fast" The very least you can do is write it interestingly, as I did in the above example.

3. no explaination, no prior mention...you're never supposed to know what happens next, until it's too late to change anything about it

So the development is supposed to be horrible? Oh, okay, nevermind then.

Seriously, in some places it's so blatantly idiotic that you don't even know what to think about it. Example - what the hell is Protagonist's girlfriend in danger over? And why is it that when he reaches her it suddenly disappears? Actually, it doesn't really, because a new danger reveals itself - Protagonist is a dumbfuck and flies to a height that is lethal to fall from, while fatigued to the point of being unable to fly, for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

You cannot say "that's how it's supposed to be" without looking like a huge douche. If I was Protagonist's girlfriend, I would bitch-slap him so hard.

4. in my opinion, the reason for living is more important than life itself...and if i couldn't save her then i would follow her...perhaps there is another side...

Agreeing with a cliche doesn't change the fact that it's been overdone to the point of losing all effect. Whoever was first to use the "A life without you is not worth living" line probably had it come across really well. You being the 500,000th, the only thing a reader thinks when they see that is "oh dear lord can't they think of anything original".

i wasn't looking for her in the trees, where did you even get that idea? i've always known there, i just couldn't entirely believe it

Then why the **** go up there?

"hmm my girlfriend is dying

i think i shall waste time going on a tree-hopping run because that is INTENSE and ACTIONY"

the climb wasn't as tiring as the travel itself

Then why is he able to jump across a forest without any problems, but when it comes to flying, he can't do it at all?

she's no random girl...

To the reader she is. You provide no background or description of her whatsoever. If the reader can't see why Protagonist wants to save her, then everything he does for her has lessened effect.

in the process of weding out any leftover typos

*weeding

the goddess thing was a METAPHOR

How the hell are we supposed to know that? Protagonist is an angel or something and you provide no background information on her. For all the reader knows, she IS a goddess.

so what? i use elipses...look, there's one now!!

Do you even know what the function of ellipses are? Apparantly not, because you think it makes a dandy substitute for a PERIOD. When you do that, all effect from where you SHOULD have ellipses is completely killed and the third person comes across like a moron.

far from a decent story...do far you're one of the very few who think so

Bahahaha. If you believe every lazy tool who says, "That was awesome!!! Really good!!! Write more!!!" instead of what they really think; if you prefer to violently reject advice to improve your writing than to take it to heart and use it to better your story, you will continue to suck as an author for your entire life.

[ShastaTwist]

It could, admittedly, use some work. The ellipses were a big problem for me. Ellipses are only for a "dramatic pause" every so often. To be honest, when I see ellipses, I see it as more of a lapse of thought in the character's mind. The use of ellipses in this story is vastly overdone, you have ellipses in every other sentence. For better emphasis, you could have put paragraph breaks. All the ellipses make your story look cluttered and can make it a pain to read.

Also, as far as what Tokzic said goes, the girl does seem very random. With no background information, it seems that "Protagonist" somehow knows that some girl is in danger and, thus, sets off to locate said girl with the intention of saving her from... What, exactly?

I think you may have had a good idea here, but didn't develop it as well as you could have.

[911840]

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

It could, admittedly, use some work. The ellipses were a big problem for me. Ellipses are only for a "dramatic pause" every so often. To be honest, when I see ellipses, I see it as more of a lapse of thought in the character's mind. The use of ellipses in this story is vastly overdone, you have ellipses in every other sentence. For better emphasis, you could have put paragraph breaks. All the ellipses make your story look cluttered and can make it a pain to read.

and that would my personal writing style, elipses, though perhaps overdone in this particular writing...

Also, as far as what Tokzic said goes, the girl does seem very random. With no background information, it seems that "Protagonist" somehow knows that some girl is in danger and, thus, sets off to locate said girl with the intention of saving her from... What, exactly?

working on typing the intro that i wrote, if onl i could find it again -.-

I think you may have had a good idea here, but didn't develop it as well as you could have.

working on that, but my little story isn't at the top of my list atm, will be busy for the next few months...

[Windscarredfaith]

The tense and the ellipses are also my problem. However, disagreeing with Tokzic, I do like the short choppiness of each sentence. In my opinion, it just seems more of what someone would think about in that situation instead of making it all literary. I also like the description, although some of the word choices could be replaced with better ones (ie. wings exploded). Lastly, I like how there's no explanation for why this is happening. The whole mystery of it is made up through the reader's own imagination. Great job in my opinion. If you fix the minor details, it'll be superb.

[911840]

thank you, moddie, fixing the tenses (eventually) but most of the elipses are thinking, not all literature should be over-literary...

but the 'wings exploded from my sides' part i rather like...odds are i'll keep that unless i can think of something worth replacing it with

it was never really meant to have its blank holes filled in by the reader, those are just parts of me that were lost in the translation. it was never really meant for anyone but me and jessica, and for us the story is filling the holes in ourselves, really...

but anyways, glad ya liked it, there will be some major improvements when i can get to making them

[Moogy]

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

A lot of ellipses. Well written.

I can't believe you killed the main character.

I'm going to ignore your ridiculous statement that it was well-written and focus on your apparent admiration of one of the most pathetic ways to end a narrative possible.

Killing off the main character of a story is a horrendously cliched and hackneyed way of ending it. In some instances (such as the piece of drivel exhibited in this thread), an ending such as this is in actuality worse than no conclusion at all. It provides no resolution to the story and completely fails to leave the reader with a sense of fulfillment for having read the piece.

Geez. -_-

[aperson]

~Write yourself a storycar and drive it off a cliff~

ps aeris dies

edit: aerith

[Wintergreen]

Some of your turns of phrases had me in stitches. ('the smashing of my face'? heheh n.n) Your writing is riddled with typos (plead=plea, agily=agiley, franticly= frantically, etc, etc), cliches ('I feel a shiver rack my very soul as its gaze pierces my being' <- a prime example), and overall unoriginality (Read any Nietzsche lately? -"when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you" ), which all detracted from possible enjoyment. The pace sorely taxed my attention span.

Picking apart responses and/or insulting a person who responds is very poor form. If you recieve a flame, ignore it. If you recieve a criticism, thank the person for the feedback. They took the time to read read your work, think about it, and craft a comment or critique. All feedback is valuable, even if it's only that the writing prompted a negative response in some people. When you get a negative response, ask yourself: Why? Was is something about the piece itself? Is there something that needs to be changed?

Originally Posted by 911840

what you say matters more than how you say it

ROFL. If all the great orators in history had spoken like retards, the world would be a very different place.

[911840]

Originally Posted by Moogy

Killing off the main character of a story is a horrendously cliched and hackneyed way of ending it. In some instances (such as the piece of drivel exhibited in this thread), an ending such as this is in actuality worse than no conclusion at all. It provides no resolution to the story and completely fails to leave the reader with a sense of fulfillment for having read the piece.

there may be a second part, on the other side.
and death had to be a part of it, sorry, that's how it was before the story made it onto paper and that's how it shall be.

Originally Posted by Wintergreen

Some of your turns of phrases had me in stitches. ('the smashing of my face'? heheh n.n) Your writing is riddled with typos (plead=plea, agily=agiley, franticly= frantically, etc, etc), cliches ('I feel a shiver rack my very soul as its gaze pierces my being' <- a prime example), and overall originality (Read any Nietzsche lately? -"when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you" ), which all detracted from possible enjoyment. The pace sorely taxed my attention span.

'the smashing of my face' was one of the few lines thrown in on request of a friend, i'll ask him later if he wants me to take it out yet

like i said, i'm working on the typos, if every single one you read bugs the hell ouf of you, then make a list of them as you're going and send it to me, would make my job easier...

no clue who/what Nietzsche is, but i've had a few discussions about the 'the abyss' in seperate meanings, and that line was taken out of a very unique idea from one of the members

Originally Posted by Wintergreen

Picking apart responses and/or insulting a person who responds is very poor form. If you recieve a flame, ignore it. If you recieve a criticism, thank the person for the feedback. They took the time to read read your work, think about it, and craft a comment or critique. All feedback is valuable, even if it's only that the writing prompted a negative response in some people. When you get a negative response, ask yourself: Why? Was is something about the piece itself? Is there something that needs to be changed?

ROFL. If all the great orators in history had spoken like retards, the world would be a very different place.

i'll thank people for criticism when needed, other than that i'm not expecting many replies, read it enjoy it (if at all possible) and maybe spread it around.

i've seen tokzic a few times on the forums, and as far as i know, and as far as i'm willing to know, he's a prick to everyone, the only other one i've had a problem with didn't even read the story and posted meaningless garbage because of that...

not to say that i'll ignore everything tokzic said, just a good amount of it

and yes, the world would be somewhat different, but if what they had said had been changed, i'm sure it would have had a greater impact.

[Wintergreen]

Originally Posted by 911840

no clue who/what Nietzsche is, but i've had a few discussions about the 'the abyss' in seperate meanings, and that line was taken out of a very unique idea from one of the members.

Nietzsche was a philosopher. A very famous philosopher, as far a philosophers go. He wrote, "when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you". This is one of his most well known quotes. If your acquaintance came up with the same thought, maybe it's unique to him personally (and you as well I suppose), but not to the rest of the world.

Now you know! n.n

P.S.
What I was trying to get across with the orators comment is that what you say doesn't matter if no one will listen; how something's presented determines how it will sell. I'm sure Hitler could have sold sunshine and puppies as well as mass genocide. If you actually care about what you're saying, you'll put some effort into your presentation. (Think about a delicious dish of food that looks like dog poop. It doesn't matter how it tastes if no one will taste it in the first place.)

P.S.S
I forgot to mention this in my original response, but it'd be nice to see some puntuation besides commas, periods, and ellipses. Rather than run-on sentences, how about some semicolons and emdashes?

[ShastaTwist]

Originally Posted by Moogy

I'm going to ignore your ridiculous statement that it was well-written and focus on your apparent admiration of one of the most pathetic ways to end a narrative possible.

Killing off the main character of a story is a horrendously cliched and hackneyed way of ending it. In some instances (such as the piece of drivel exhibited in this thread), an ending such as this is in actuality worse than no conclusion at all. It provides no resolution to the story and completely fails to leave the reader with a sense of fulfillment for having read the piece.

Geez. -_-

... Apparently you read that wrong...

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KILLED OFF THE MAIN CHARACTER"

As in...

YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN A FIRST PERSON STORY

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by 911840

i've seen tokzic a few times on the forums, and as far as i know, and as far as i'm willing to know, he's a prick to everyone, the only other one i've had a problem with didn't even read the story and posted meaningless garbage because of that...

not to say that i'll ignore everything tokzic said, just a good amount of it

lmao yes you are correct

spending time reading your mediocre story all the way through and giving an in-depth critique when thus far no one else had posted anything of use to you is definitely considered being a prick

If you think naughty words and refusing to sugarcoat flaws are mean, you're going to get your feelings hurt a lot if you ever start taking writing seriously. I'm a harsh critic, but I'm nowhere near the worst out there.

Even if this story IS personal, taking in advice is how you advance as a writer. There are very few people on FFR whose opinions on writing mean anything (no offense guyz <3). If you'd prefer to ignore them, they'll ignore you - I'm certainly not wasting my time with you again. If you'd prefer to surround yourself with nobodies who say "gr8 job a++++++!!!!" to garbage, you're only punishing yourself.

But if that's what you want, by all means, keep stuffing your work with horrific punctuation and cliches. Saves me effort and it means one less potential author for me to compete with, rofl

[911840]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

If you'd prefer to surround yourself with nobodies who say "gr8 job a++++++!!!!" to garbage, you're only punishing yourself.

But if that's what you want, by all means, keep stuffing your work with horrific punctuation and cliches. Saves me effort and it means one less potential author for me to compete with, rofl

That is not what I intend to do, it would be great if people actually thought that and could tell me in english, but I don't really expect it from anybody.
In fact, I rarely expect that from myself.
Odds are the cliche of the writing will not be changed, though I shall do yet another sweep for errors and do some tweaking as soon as I can find the written version and summon the drive to work on it.
I have no intention of being an author, this was simply the easiest way I could think of to get my thoughts down in one place and send the whole thing to another person.

Originally Posted by aperson

~Write yourself a storycar and drive it off a cliff~

Only if you can vivdly describe the fall

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

Also, as far as what Tokzic said goes, the girl does seem very random. With no background information, it seems that "Protagonist" somehow knows that some girl is in danger and, thus, sets off to locate said girl with the intention of saving her from... What, exactly?

Not random, but this story was only made public as a request from the person who it was written for.
He heard her scream, he came to save her.
He didn't know 'til he was there...and if you read it without understanding the danger they were in, then wow.

(the falling)

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

... Apparently you read that wrong...

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KILLED OFF THE MAIN CHARACTER"

As in...

YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN A FIRST PERSON STORY

And why would that be? The story is first-person, he must die, and it would be must a much less interesting story through her eyes rather than his.

If you have an alternative, let me know.

[ShastaTwist]

If you kill the main character...

There is no story.

[911840]

Who said death was the end? "The other side."

[FoJaR]

Originally Posted by 911840

tribute to jessica...though you may know her here as birdgirlxx2003...

paging mal. paging mal.

[MalReynolds]

I can't believe you wrote that story without a stomach!

Jesus, Ace!

[911840]

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

I can't believe you wrote that story without a stomach!

Jesus, Ace!

Eh?