I Surrender //

Devour · 05-2-2009, 09:19 PM

I Surrender

I’m all alone in my cold, little world
How quickly all the hatred unfurled.

My eyes view the world as a pitiful place
Filled with hate and much disgrace.

Venomous words slide off of the tongue
Memories haunt us of when we were young

Every soul is slowly dying; withering away
Until the day we slowly decay.

Isolation as punishment; always has it been
Until any sanity wears thin

Subdued until death, malevolence for ages
Keeping us trapped in little cages

Rage imbued with a passion so strong
No control, no place I belong.

Society is brainwashed; deafened by lies
But I see different behind my eyes.

I despise every friend I’ve ever had
Now surely I’ve gone mad.

The most loving touch is no longer tender
I surrender, I surrender.

Author's Note: As a writer and a fellow human being, I have concluded that through my darkest hour comes the most powerful poetry. In my poetry, a key element that has to be present in the piece is its ability to empathize with the reader--to make them feel an essence of the poem's emotion. I hope you enjoyed.

kitkat9 · 05-3-2009, 11:31 AM

Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

**Adamaja456** · 05-3-2009, 11:44 AM

its pretty good.

Devour · 05-3-2009, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitkat9

Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

Thanks a lot, I'm glad it means something to you.

moches · 05-6-2009, 09:04 AM

I really liked this for some reason. You could have gone the whole 'sing-song' way with it, but you didn't, which was the right choice to make in this case. Makes the rhythm feel much more natural.

mead1 · 05-9-2009, 03:46 PM

Jesus christ, the people in this forum don't know a god damn thing about poetry. Did you try reading this out loud at all? It doesn't flow. Count the number of syllables in the first line of each couplet, then count the number in the second. If they're not one or two off from each other the line probably doesn't flow. Also, I notice that you constantly jump from "I" to "us" and "we". Don't do that. Pick one and stick with it.

These things aside, your poem is horribly cliche, and has been written about a million times already. Before you write something, ask yourself if there's anything about it that's half-way original or interesting. If you can't honestly answer yes, don't write it.

YaBoySM · 05-9-2009, 03:48 PM

Emo poem, but it's still kool.

lord_carbo · 05-9-2009, 03:49 PM

Whiny emo poetry. Typical uninspired theme. Like mead said, no flow. Pretty obvious you used a thesaurus (unfurled?). This is not good. Not good at all.

mead1 · 05-9-2009, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitkat9

Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

What an excellent post! You sure know how to praise someone's work and sound super deep at the same time!

Tell me, what exactly does it say about the world?

I'm really interested to hear your answer, because I'm pretty sure that, much like this poem, you're just putting on airs and attempting to look cool.

The_Q · 05-9-2009, 03:55 PM

The only reason that makes me empathize with the author's viewpoint is it makes me hate any universe that would spawn such a horrible writer.

Q

**phe0nixblade** · 05-9-2009, 06:15 PM

Jumping on the bandwagon, it's a horrible poem, I didn't even read all of it though. It was too emo for me, woop.

Devour · 05-9-2009, 06:25 PM

Harsh, haha. Eh, oh well. requesting lock -.-

mead1 · 05-9-2009, 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Devour

Harsh, haha. Eh, oh well. requesting lock -.-

Wait, really? You only want feedback if it's positive? Go choke on a bag of dicks.

Devour · 05-9-2009, 06:33 PM

Well, I didnt post this just to hear some assholes ramble on about how horrible it is. its like, you'd be better off not replying at all, its not like all your posts here have been constructive at all.
edit:this is a poetry thread; Go back to TGB. -__-

mead1 · 05-9-2009, 06:49 PM

Uh oh, someone's a big man on the internet.

You didn't bitch when people were giving you nonconstructive praise, so you sort of have to accept nonconstructive criticism with it. Otherwise, you deserve to choke on a bag of dicks. Furthermore, Carbo and I both posted at least semi-constructive criticism.

edit: and for the record, lit. is my stomping ground, homie. TGB ain't ****.

lord_carbo · 05-9-2009, 06:54 PM

OK, here's some constructive feedback: If you want your poem to be better, don't rant about how the world is so bad or something. Err, why is the world so bad? Your poem is a vague succession of quasi-related ideas. Booooring. Give it a theme. Emo **** sucks. Anything works. Like, talk about how people are getting killed in some miscellaneous African genocide. Or talk about how your ex-boyfriend is fat and smells funny. Really, I'm not kidding. My suggestions are actually terrible poem ideas, but they're still better than a succession of ideas about how much life sucks. There's really nothing worse you can write about, I swear. It's such a boring, uninspiring subject.

If you want your poem to be better, avoid thesauri (and rhyming dictionaries). A person with the ability to capture the subtleties and niches of words doesn't usually need a thesaurus. A thesaurus tends to hurt the novice writer more than it helps him because it makes it tempting to use words whose subtleties he hasn't yet grasped. The thesaurus is a useful tool for good writers, and people who aren't necessarily good writers but know how to identify good writing. I repeat, it's not a reliable tool for novices.

If you want your poem to be better, make it flow. Give it rhythm. Not a requirement, but it's nice. Rhythm is a great tool for people who aren't amazing poets. I mean, you think Ezra Pound used rhythm? Subtly and at times, but not as a rule. But he was an awesome poet, so he could do **** like that. Rhythm is also a great tool for amazing poets, so it's not like you're being lowly by using rhythm, it's just ridiculously easier to make a good poem with some rhythm. I mean, Shakespeare used iambic pentameter; and the greatest poem ever written, The Raven, is good mainly because of its rhythmic structure.

The_Q · 05-9-2009, 07:24 PM

You wanna write about how the world sucks? Don't. Go ****ing do something about it. Awareness is nothing.

And TGB ain't ****.

Q

lord_carbo · 05-10-2009, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Q

You wanna write about how the world sucks? Don't. Go ****ing do something about it. Awareness is nothing.

And TGB ain't ****.

Q

it's just a poem man

But yeah, TGB ain't ****.

Erothyme · 05-10-2009, 10:35 AM

Some good criticism has been made here, particularly from Carbo.

As for Mead and Q, this is way too easy of a target, guys. Seriously. :V

Grandiagod · 05-10-2009, 10:41 PM

// not a good idea ever

05-2-2009, 09:19 PM	#1
Devour FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Denver, CO Posts: 253	I Surrender // I Surrender I’m all alone in my cold, little world How quickly all the hatred unfurled. My eyes view the world as a pitiful place Filled with hate and much disgrace. Venomous words slide off of the tongue Memories haunt us of when we were young Every soul is slowly dying; withering away Until the day we slowly decay. Isolation as punishment; always has it been Until any sanity wears thin Subdued until death, malevolence for ages Keeping us trapped in little cages Rage imbued with a passion so strong No control, no place I belong. Society is brainwashed; deafened by lies But I see different behind my eyes. I despise every friend I’ve ever had Now surely I’ve gone mad. The most loving touch is no longer tender I surrender, I surrender. Author's Note: As a writer and a fellow human being, I have concluded that through my darkest hour comes the most powerful poetry. In my poetry, a key element that has to be present in the piece is its ability to empathize with the reader--to make them feel an essence of the poem's emotion. I hope you enjoyed. __________________

05-3-2009, 11:31 AM	#2
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: I Surrender // Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

05-3-2009, 11:44 AM	#3
Adamaja456 Absurd Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: 31 Billion Club, WA Age: 33 Posts: 6,433	Re: I Surrender // its pretty good. __________________ 582 Tier Points(Tier 3) 602 AAAs(517+23+62) People who bought me subscriptions/tokens: DrugstoreCowboy(1 month) ELRayford(3 months) ~GJampa(3 months) Jerry DB(3 months) 4th place in Gamewhore Competition(3 months) Phynx(FGJ album and Dendrite V2) dragon890x(1 year) Slide(1 year)

05-6-2009, 09:04 AM	#5
moches FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 28 Posts: 3,996	Re: I Surrender // I really liked this for some reason. You could have gone the whole 'sing-song' way with it, but you didn't, which was the right choice to make in this case. Makes the rhythm feel much more natural.

05-9-2009, 03:46 PM	#6
mead1 Cerebellumberjack Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: On a boat Age: 33 Posts: 3,960	Re: I Surrender // Jesus christ, the people in this forum don't know a god damn thing about poetry. Did you try reading this out loud at all? It doesn't flow. Count the number of syllables in the first line of each couplet, then count the number in the second. If they're not one or two off from each other the line probably doesn't flow. Also, I notice that you constantly jump from "I" to "us" and "we". Don't do that. Pick one and stick with it. These things aside, your poem is horribly cliche, and has been written about a million times already. Before you write something, ask yourself if there's anything about it that's half-way original or interesting. If you can't honestly answer yes, don't write it.

05-9-2009, 03:48 PM	#7
YaBoySM FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Milky Way Posts: 532	Re: I Surrender // Emo poem, but it's still kool.

05-9-2009, 03:49 PM	#8
lord_carbo FFR Player Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: fighting villains from afar, NJ Age: 32 Posts: 6,222	Re: I Surrender // Whiny emo poetry. Typical uninspired theme. Like mead said, no flow. Pretty obvious you used a thesaurus (unfurled?). This is not good. Not good at all. __________________ last.fm

05-9-2009, 03:55 PM	#10
The_Q FFR Player Join Date: May 2004 Location: Columbus, OH Age: 34 Posts: 4,391	Re: I Surrender // The only reason that makes me empathize with the author's viewpoint is it makes me hate any universe that would spawn such a horrible writer. Q

05-9-2009, 06:15 PM	#11
phe0nixblade Praise the sun mofo Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Lordran Age: 32 Posts: 4,281	Re: I Surrender // Jumping on the bandwagon, it's a horrible poem, I didn't even read all of it though. It was too emo for me, woop. __________________

05-9-2009, 06:25 PM	#12
Devour FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Denver, CO Posts: 253	Re: I Surrender // Harsh, haha. Eh, oh well. requesting lock -.- __________________

05-9-2009, 06:33 PM	#14
Devour FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Denver, CO Posts: 253	Re: I Surrender // Well, I didnt post this just to hear some assholes ramble on about how horrible it is. its like, you'd be better off not replying at all, its not like all your posts here have been constructive at all. edit:this is a poetry thread; Go back to TGB. -__- __________________ Last edited by Devour; 05-9-2009 at 06:36 PM..

05-9-2009, 06:49 PM	#15
mead1 Cerebellumberjack Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: On a boat Age: 33 Posts: 3,960	Re: I Surrender // Uh oh, someone's a big man on the internet. You didn't bitch when people were giving you nonconstructive praise, so you sort of have to accept nonconstructive criticism with it. Otherwise, you deserve to choke on a bag of dicks. Furthermore, Carbo and I both posted at least semi-constructive criticism. edit: and for the record, lit. is my stomping ground, homie. TGB ain't ****.

05-9-2009, 06:54 PM	#16
lord_carbo FFR Player Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: fighting villains from afar, NJ Age: 32 Posts: 6,222	Re: I Surrender // OK, here's some constructive feedback: If you want your poem to be better, don't rant about how the world is so bad or something. Err, why is the world so bad? Your poem is a vague succession of quasi-related ideas. Booooring. Give it a theme. Emo ** sucks. Anything works. Like, talk about how people are getting killed in some miscellaneous African genocide. Or talk about how your ex-boyfriend is fat and smells funny. Really, I'm not kidding. My suggestions are actually terrible poem ideas, but they're still better than a succession of ideas about how much life sucks. There's really nothing worse you can write about, I swear. It's such a boring, uninspiring subject. If you want your poem to be better, avoid thesauri (and rhyming dictionaries). A person with the ability to capture the subtleties and niches of words doesn't usually need a thesaurus. A thesaurus tends to hurt the novice writer more than it helps him because it makes it tempting to use words whose subtleties he hasn't yet grasped. The thesaurus is a useful tool for good writers, and people who aren't necessarily good writers but know how to identify good writing. I repeat, it's not a reliable tool for novices. If you want your poem to be better, make it flow. Give it rhythm. Not a requirement, but it's nice. Rhythm is a great tool for people who aren't amazing poets. I mean, you think Ezra Pound used rhythm? Subtly and at times, but not as a rule. But he was an awesome poet, so he could do like that. Rhythm is also a great tool for amazing poets, so it's not like you're being lowly by using rhythm, it's just ridiculously easier to make a good poem with some rhythm. I mean, Shakespeare used iambic pentameter; and the greatest poem ever written, The Raven, is good mainly because of its rhythmic structure. __________________ last.fm** Last edited by lord_carbo; 05-10-2009 at 09:31 PM..

05-9-2009, 07:24 PM	#17
The_Q FFR Player Join Date: May 2004 Location: Columbus, OH Age: 34 Posts: 4,391	Re: I Surrender // You wanna write about how the world sucks? Don't. Go **ing do something about it. Awareness is nothing. And TGB ain't **. Q

05-10-2009, 10:35 AM	#19
Erothyme FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: VA Age: 33 Posts: 2,033	Re: I Surrender // Some good criticism has been made here, particularly from Carbo. As for Mead and Q, this is way too easy of a target, guys. Seriously. :V __________________ erothyme.net (Purchase my album!) - Rithum - last.fm - discogs - ACIDplanet - Myspace - Facebook

05-10-2009, 10:41 PM	#20
Grandiagod FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Feaefaw Age: 35 Posts: 6,122	Re: I Surrender // // not a good idea ever

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