Some of my poems

[dudeguy1212]

Hi I'm new here! Great game.

I saw this forum, and decided to post some of my poems I have worked on.

I just want honest critique, so tell me what you think.

Rush Hour

As the clock ticks along life drones on
Cars pass by and people walk on
Yet I still here and wait
And wait for what I don’t know

The people return home
The cars finally slow down
Yet I still sit
And sit and wait

The people go to sleep
The cars are nestled in their homes
Yet I remain
And remain and wait

The sun rises again
Yet the people and cars stay home
And amongst this
I find what I’m looking for

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Indifference

Indecisiveness led you here
Navigating in between the fences
Driving you to go from here to there
Idle times tend to lay back
Fiddling around, and seeping in the environment
Feeding on languor and finally
Executing its next move
Ready now, you can decide
Eager is choice that has not yet come
Not knowing or hoping
Choosing at last to return
Evanescent and indecisive as always

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I've also written some tanka and haiku. Tell me if you want to see some more.

[Zythus]

Not bad, but very very plain and poorly portrayed, a good try nevertheless. Try to discribe the topic with more depth using metaphorical ir rehtorical devices to make it more appealing as a poem. can I see the haikus? I always found them pleasant

Can't spell using ipod -_-

[dudeguy1212]

Thanks, I find it hard to balance detail and illusion when writting freestyle poems.

And I love haiku and tanka as well.

Here are some recent haiku:

Rainbow

Last drops trickle down
Red melts to orange and then blue
The rainbow is seen

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Beach

Grains slide between toes
Gentle waves lapse at the break
The ocean meets sand

[Zythus]

Well what I find is that its a tad too literal. Basicly its like stating your topic way too apparent. Like I said, equip your poems with deeper expressions. For example, your rainbow haiku may have more potential if rather than discribing how the rainbow appeared, you can find and discribe a symbolic meaning behind the colors of the rainbow, such as even though they vary by color, they still unite as a single spectrum of beauty A.K.A. Harmony. However, i guess you can't do it well in haiku. Its a good try, needs work, I like it!

[funmonkey54]

mot too bad

[Ice wolf]

I might look at them tomorrow, it's 11:00. I need to go to sleep soon.

[jono2007]

Originally Posted by dudeguy1212

Thanks, I find it hard to balance detail and illusion when writting freestyle poems.

And I love haiku and tanka as well.

Here are some recent haiku:

Rainbow

Last drops trickle down
Red melts to orange and then blue
The rainbow is seen

---------------------------------------------------------

Beach

Grains slide between toes
Gentle waves lapse at the break
The ocean meets sand

TheseI can almost see and feel, but the others above are not as good. Zythus has a very good point, don't be so literal that it makes too much sense, if you understand what I mean.