Jewpin needs your Help

[jewpinthethird]

For the lazy: critique my poem, tell me what you think it is about.

For the industrious: So, I'm taking a creative writing course in college and right now we are on the subject of poems, so here is a poem I wrote. Now, we already had a workshop in which we discussed each other's poems, and my criticism was that my poem was too ambiguous. Despite my reluctance to revise my poem, I will to meet the assignment guildlines. But first I have decided to see what you think. However, I am not going to tell you the guidlines, I want to see your unbiased viewpoint.

PS. You have one night for me to take you criticism into account. After that, I have to turn it in.

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J a c k n u g g e t e d

A torrent of acid floods the highways and byways that branch out every which way to greet the very essence of my being on the cellular level in a reflexive rhythmic pitter-patter that flutters as my eyes dart amongst the various hues of pigment that form the all too familiar, slightly out of focus, smiling faces of that which we used to be, stepping gaily and without hesitation, tittering on a threshold of pain, oblivious to that which lie patiently, coiled up, directly in front of us, veiled in dew saturated grass, waiting to sink its teeth and inject its poison into the purest of flesh until it rots off and falls from the bone in a putrid mucus-like concoction that splatters as it hits the floor, like a diseased flower in full bloom ready to unleash its tainted pollen on the world.

And to think, one snip from a rusty pair of scissors could crop out a painful past.

If only it were that easy to amputate the source of so much grief.

But I wouldn’t have in any other way.

A friendly reminder of the weight of words.

[Tokzic]

this poem is about the amazing power of the thesaurus

ps *mucus-like

If I had to take a serious guess at what this is about, it would be memory. How there are things we remember fondly, and things that do that whole mucus-like bone thing. Apparantly you're talking about looking at a photo with all your friends in it and oh you're so happy except WHAM THERE'S THE GIRL THAT PULLED YOUR HAIR IN THIRD GRADE GRR SHE SUCKS

Okay, the seriousness of that bit sort of fell through, but my point still stands.

even if i only skimmed it

[Omeganitros]

What's "Jacknuggeted" mean?

[jewpinthethird]

Originally Posted by Omeganitros

What's "Jacknuggeted" mean?

It's the title of a Manitoba song. Google it and click the first link you find an watch the video which is located towards the bottom of the page. It has nothing to do with the poem...but parallel's it.


But the word is nonsensical. I just hate titles.

[Laharl]

Is it supposed to be a giant splotch of text and then a few seperated lines at the very end? That is rather bizarre for a poem. The only advice I have is to split it up into distinct lines to at least build rhythm and meter, which is something all poems need. As a solid paragraph up front, it doesn't carry that.

Otherwise, excellent use of alliteration.

[jewpinthethird]

Originally Posted by Laharl

Is it supposed to be a giant splotch of text and then a few seperated lines at the very end? That is rather bizarre for a poem. The only advice I have is to split it up into distinct lines to at least build rhythm and meter, which is something all poems need. As a solid paragraph up front, it doesn't carry that.

Otherwise, excellent use of alliteration.

I understand that the structure isn't typical for a poem, but it was intentional.

[jadez03]

Very nice. It reads almost like lyrics of the butthole surfer's era.

On the second to last line, did you mean you'd never have it or in the other way.

And about it's meaning, I don't know if you want to go to the cellular level in a poem describing essence. You should go for something more like soul or spirit, you know? But if that's your creative minded thing or whatever, then it makes more sense for you the other way, i'm not trying to tell you how to write , just my input :P

I also like the detail at which you tried to hide the disambiguity of the ramble. :P

[jewpinthethird]

Originally Posted by jadez03

Very nice. It reads almost like lyrics of the butthole surfer's era.

On the second to last line, did you mean you'd never have it or in the other way.

And about it's meaning, I don't know if you want to go to the cellular level in a poem describing essence. You should go for something more like soul or spirit, you know? But if that's your creative minded thing or whatever, then it makes more sense for you the other way, i'm not trying to tell you how to write , just my input :P

I also like the detail at which you tried to hide the disambiguity of the ramble. :P

Spirit and soul are nice words, but they are abstractions and we aren't allowed to use abstractions.

And thanks for pointing out my typo. I meant "it."

[Chrissi]

Too ambiguous.

The last lines suck. They sound like poems that I wrote when I was 12, and I'm not kidding. I wrote something pretty similar to that.

The shining point is the end of the long line,

"coiled up, directly in front of us, veiled in dew saturated grass, waiting to sink its teeth and inject its poison into the purest of flesh until it rots off and falls from the bone in a putrid mucus-like concoction that splatters as it hits the floor, like a diseased flower in full bloom ready to unleash its tainted pollen on the world."

Make the rest more like that.

[jadez03]

1) No prob
2) I see.
3) Chrissi is right the line "coiled up, directly in front of us, veiled in dew saturated grass, waiting to sink its teeth and inject its poison into the purest of flesh until it rots off and falls from the bone in a putrid mucus-like concoction that splatters as it hits the floor, like a diseased flower in full bloom ready to unleash its tainted pollen on the world.", because it has very good meter and rythym, you sort of bob your head reading it. I don't think the rest needs changing, but I do like that line Although I might go for a different term than mucus-like. It drags you down...using [noun]-like as an adjective.

[jewpinthethird]

Originally Posted by Chrissi

Too ambiguous.

The last lines suck. They sound like poems that I wrote when I was 12, and I'm not kidding. I wrote something pretty similar to that.

The shining point is the end of the long line,

"coiled up, directly in front of us, veiled in dew saturated grass, waiting to sink its teeth and inject its poison into the purest of flesh until it rots off and falls from the bone in a putrid mucus-like concoction that splatters as it hits the floor, like a diseased flower in full bloom ready to unleash its tainted pollen on the world."

Make the rest more like that.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I'll see what I can do, but it might be too late to do a major revision of the last few lines before I turn it in.

Thanks to everyone for their input. I must say, Tokzic was spot on, resolving the conflict I had over changing it to be less ...and by that, I mean I am not going to.

Update 2006: I couldn't get what Chrissi said out of my head so I revised my poem a tad bit.

The following is what I will be turning in.

J a c k n u g g e t e d

Specks of rust congregating on the blades of an aged pair of scissors quiver with excitement, ready to clamp down and crop out the source of so much grief as a torrent of acid floods the highways and byways that branch out every which way to greet the very essence of my being on the cellular level in a reflexive rhythmic pitter-patter that flutters as my eyes dart amongst the various hues of pigment that form the all too familiar, slightly out of focus, smiling faces of that which we used to be, stepping gaily and without hesitation, tittering on a threshold of pain, oblivious to that which lie patiently, coiled up, directly in front of us, veiled in dew saturated grass, waiting to sink its teeth and inject its poison into the purest of flesh until it rots off and falls from the bone in a putrid mucus-like concoction that splatters as it hits the floor, like a diseased flower in full bloom ready to unleash its tainted pollen on the world.

[Snapps]

take you criticism

[Adude6464]

ooh, i liked it. it sounded like it was describing a snake or something that seams deadly and can kill in an instant. . .